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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not invite this boy to DS's birthday party?

144 replies

DarlingDuck · 18/07/2011 08:19

DS is 5. There is a boy in his class who is often very unkind to DS and the other children, we have had to go into the school about 4 times because of it and it made DS's first year at school really awful. The boy is in DS's group of friends although says mean things and hits/pokes them all regularly.

DS's 6th birthday is coming up and he is adamant he doesn't want this boy to be invited although all the other boys in the class are going to be. The boy had his bday a few weeks back and DS was invited. I have reasoned with DS but he just really doesn't want him to come, AIBU not to invite him?

OP posts:

begonyabampot · 18/07/2011 11:29

don't see how you can exclude this one child when as others have said your son went to his a few weeks ago (did he go?).

I would find it hard to leave one child out unless it was really bad behaviour towards your child, and even then I would probably scale the numbers back so that this wouldn't happen.

Difficult situation for you OP - hopefully it will blow over and not be an issue and your son will understand (kids are so fickle at this age).

charleneanne · 18/07/2011 15:46

i think this is unfair on the child having the party tell him if you dont invite nasty boy then you have to have a smaller party just dont invite the horrid child it might make him realise he cant go round being mean to everyone i think you are being to hard on this child it obviously distresses him i cant beleive most of you are saying oh you must invite him you cant just not invite the one boy of course he can would you invite someone you didnt like to your party because someone says you have to

alewVera · 18/07/2011 16:01

No YANBU, your DS does not like this boy because he is mean to him, why make your DS suffer on his birthday. Don't invite the boy. Simple.

ArmchairFeminist · 18/07/2011 16:07

Leaving one child out is absolutely unaccaptble, in my eyes.

If you really must exclude him, you need to have a party for a just a few children.

pigletmania · 18/07/2011 16:12

You don't have to invite him it might make him realise his bad behaviour. If you don't invite him have a small party. Yes agree with others, if he has made things so bad at school for your ds and is mean and nasty to him, why go to his party! That!s a bit odd really

Pandemoniaa · 18/07/2011 16:18

I never held "all class" parties. Like never. Not as a means of excluding any child with SN, I hasten to add, but because you cannot leave anyone out and I could not see the benefit of inviting children who didn't have any sort of positive relationship with my dcs. Neither did I expect my dcs to go to their parties since it all seemed so hypocritical.

It's the same principle I apply to hosting adult gatherings too since I prefer not to sit around the dinner table with people I detest so it surprises me that people are so willing to opt for all class birthday parties.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 18/07/2011 16:23

Your DS wasn't so bothered by the other boy as to refuse to go to his party!

I'm guessing that your DS went to the party because he didn't want to be the one left out if so he has to accept that he can't now leave the other boy out.

pigletmania · 18/07/2011 16:33

I read in the op that the boy invited op ds, but did he go? Does not say

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 18/07/2011 16:35

piglet see the OP's second post, she confirms he did go.

pigletmania · 18/07/2011 17:54

Oh I an on my phone so difficult to scroll down. Op if thus boy was so bad why on earth did your ds go to his party. I would not like to go to my bullies party.

ohnoudidnt · 18/07/2011 19:18

Regardless of weather your ds went to this boys party is irrelevant.He was invited.I would never dream of leaving 1 child out,and can not believe what im hearing.HATE parents that do this to children.OF COURSE YOU SHOULD INVITE HIM.

uninspired · 18/07/2011 19:25

Ok I'll go against the grain here.

As the parent of a child with behavioural issues (ASD and ADD) who can be a handful unsupervised, no YANBU to not invite him if you cannot trust him to behave appropriately.

I do appreciate people who invited DS to parties, I would always explain about his behaviour and stay to help out and remove him if necessary - and I have removed him from several parties when he has behaved inappropriately (with fair warning).

However if you feel you want to invite him, then maybe ask the parent to stay.

WhoAteMySnickers · 18/07/2011 19:28

I was all for saying it's fine to not invite the boy to your DS's party.

Until I read that your DS went to this boys party a few weeks ago.

Not such a horrible bully that distresses your DS that much then! Happy to go to the boys party but doesn't want him at his. Happy for this boy to be the only boy in class that's excluded. That's just nasty, in my opinion.

shortround · 18/07/2011 19:29

I couldnt leave one child out. Maybe insist a parent come too. Explain to your son that it is cruel to leave one child out, when inviting all the other boys.

shortround · 18/07/2011 19:31

if your child went to his party, then he cant be that traumatised by him?

pigletmania · 18/07/2011 19:32

Where in the op does it say that this boy was the only one not invited! If this boy was bulling your ds there is noway that he should be made to invite him. I am amazed at how many people on here think that a bully should be invited to a victims party . However then you should not have a class party as I said previously, just narrow it down to your ds special friends.

However can't be that much of a bully and that nasty for your ds to go to his party

HairyFrotter · 18/07/2011 19:34

YANBU. Bullying is the only reason I would leave one child out. Your ds has come to you with what has happened so you need to protect him not invite his tormentor to his birthday party. It's bad enough he has to deal with him at school without potentially having his birthday celebration spoiled as well.

WhoAteMySnickers · 18/07/2011 19:34

"DS's 6th birthday is coming up and he is adamant he doesn't want this boy to be invited although all the other boys in the class are going to be."

shortround · 18/07/2011 19:35

pigletmania - Where in the op does it say that this boy was the only one not invited!

this bit ............

DS's 6th birthday is coming up and he is adamant he doesn't want this boy to be invited although all the other boys in the class are going to be.

My child wouldnt go to his bully's birthday party! (if he had a bully!)

HairyFrotter · 18/07/2011 19:35

And as for people saying just invite him and make sure he's watched - if someone who picked on me had been invited to one of my parties it would have spoiled it for me. It would be the fear of what might happen and having to keep out of their way.

pigletmania · 18/07/2011 19:37

Well its not the whole class then is it, only the boys. I would have no qualms about not inviting someone who bullies and makes my dd life miserable at school, however dd would not be going to their party if they were invited.

Goblinchild · 18/07/2011 19:37

I don't think there's any point in saying anything until the OP comes back and explains why her son went to the other child's party.

pigletmania · 18/07/2011 19:39

but then again I don't do whole class parties, i only limit it to about 10/12 kids

foolserrand · 18/07/2011 19:40

YANBU to not want him there at all. The child sounds unpleasant.

Personally, I would probably invite him. Were he the only child not invited, his behaviour would probably deteriorate. After all, he gets attention when he pokes and hits. I think the idea of quietly talking to the mother and mentioning the two don't seem to get on so would she please stay and help moderate.

Good luck though, parties are minefields.

gastonscave · 18/07/2011 19:46

Yanbu I wouldn't invite a bully to my DS's party and upset him. If the boy wants to act like a nasty bully to other children he needs to learn it is going to affect how people see him and react to him.

By inviting him you are validating his behaviour and the parents lack of parenting skills. All this wooly nonsense 'think of the poor bully' doesn't do anyone any good Absolute madness.

I really don't give a stuff if op DS went to his party, he was invited why should this be reciprocated. Does your son reciprocate the bullying behaviour?

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