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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite this boy to DS's birthday party?

144 replies

DarlingDuck · 18/07/2011 08:19

DS is 5. There is a boy in his class who is often very unkind to DS and the other children, we have had to go into the school about 4 times because of it and it made DS's first year at school really awful. The boy is in DS's group of friends although says mean things and hits/pokes them all regularly.

DS's 6th birthday is coming up and he is adamant he doesn't want this boy to be invited although all the other boys in the class are going to be. The boy had his bday a few weeks back and DS was invited. I have reasoned with DS but he just really doesn't want him to come, AIBU not to invite him?

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 18/07/2011 09:13

YABU. Just have a party with a few, real friends and then you can easily leave him out. Leaving one out is unkind-whatever he is like. He is a small boy who has problems.

yoshilunk · 18/07/2011 09:14

Oh Okay, did you take back out again before school then? Have you decided what to do?

bubblesincoffee · 18/07/2011 09:17

Yanbu at all, why the he'll should your ds invite a boy that bullies him and has made his life at school bad.

Because he didn't bully him so badly that OP's ds, or OP herself, wanted to decine his party invitation!

OP, you should have spoken to ds about this sooner, when your ds chose to go to his party. If you didn't do that, or you didn't explain to ds that he has to either choose to invite everyone or have a smaller party, then I'm afraid you have brought this on yourself. It would be very very unkind of you to make a child feel excluded from something because you failed to handle the situation properly.

I realise that your priority is your own ds, so it may well feel like you upset your own child or you upset a child who has behaved badly. But this time, your ds will get over it because he will have a great party, you can supervise, and he will learn something about being kind to people and two wrongs not making a right.

How would you feel a year from now if your ds and the other boy are getting along fine, but your ds is the only one in the whole class to not be invited to the other child's party?

BimboNo5 · 18/07/2011 09:18

I would feel awful to leave one child out and its not something i'd ever want to give my kids the impression its fair to do. Also dont get why your DS was ok with going to this boys party? Did he cry about having to go to this horrid nasty boys party? Or does he just want him excluded when it suits?

AnneWiddecomesArse · 18/07/2011 09:25

Some of Life's lessons are hard learnt.
If your DS went to his party, and it's a whole class invite, then it would be unbelievably cruel to exclude this single child.
Explain to your child just how cruel it would be, and ask him how we would feel if he was the odd one out. Then explain that throughout life we often encounter people/individuals that cause problems, and it's all part of growing up.
Alleviate his concerns by letting him know that you will be like a hawk and ensure his party is wonderful despite the other boy attending. That you know he is being made sad by this boy, but you will make sure that it doesn't happen on his special day and will protect him.
It's a difficult situation but you have to take control, be the adult and do the right thing unfortunately. They're so volatile and changeable at this age.

DogsBestFriend · 18/07/2011 09:31

Heaven forbid you should not invite the child and so give him and his parents the message that the precious little darling is unwelcome until he stops his unpleasant behaviour. Far better to make up a million "oh but he might have SN" type excuses for brattishness and poor parenting and to teach your own son that his feelings don't matter, that he has to tolerate shitty behaviour and that you will both have to spend the whole party watching out for the child.

Poor little PFB, you really must be PC and invite him. Sod how your own child feels about it, sod the fact that he's upset and it may well spoil his party. hmm]

I think not! YANBU.

SenoritaViva · 18/07/2011 09:33

I think you'd be putting fuel on the fire if DS didn't invite him, i.e. the kid might feel upset/offended/angry and make his behaviour worse towards your DS.

I would not want his mother staying if you think he is indulged. I'd rather watch him like a hawk, warn for bad behaviour to any child if he does anything that he will have to 'sit out the next game' and if he then behaves badly again I'd follow through. You can inform his mum on collection that his behaviour wasn't acceptable and might give you a reason not to invite next year.

I'm sorry but I just don't think you can exclude one boy from the class, ESPECIALLY as you went to his party recently.

bubblesincoffee · 18/07/2011 09:35

DBG, OP's sone should have been given a choice of inviting this boy and everyone else, or having a smaller party. There is a benefit in that there is an opportunity for her own ds to learn right from wrong here.

I am a strong believer in allowing children to choose their own friends and I wouldn't force my dc to have someone at their party that is mean to them. But nor would I allow them to exclude one child. I would provide my child with an option, otherwise I would be just as PFB as the other parents.

BimboNo5 · 18/07/2011 09:35

If he was such a 'bratty PFB' and such an awful child why was the OP's son so happy to go to his party? Maybe its not the child in question who's bratty?

DogsBestFriend · 18/07/2011 09:55

I don't have the answer to that, Bimbo, I'm not the OP, ask her! :)

All I do know is that her son was screamed at and called a freak, that this is not the first such incident and that her DS is crying and begging mum not to invite the child. That's sufficient for me to exclude the child from a whole class party - it's his problem and should not be made OP's son's, no reason to scale down the party and thus punish DS because of another child's bad behaviour.

Anyhow, the largely liberal MN and I will never agree on this one though I stand firmly by what I've said.

RMutt · 18/07/2011 09:55

'I think you'd be putting fuel on the fire if DS didn't invite him, i.e. the kid might feel upset/offended/angry and make his behaviour worse towards your DS.'

That's a crazy reason to invite a bully and just makes bullying behaviour look like it pays off.

DogsBestFriend · 18/07/2011 09:58

Agreed, RM. Can you imagine the reaction if that advice was given to a woman bullied in the wirkplace or by her husband!

DogsBestFriend · 18/07/2011 10:00
  • workplace.

(Mislayed glasses!).

Chandon · 18/07/2011 10:05

Thing that confuses me is that you DID let your DS go to this "terrible" boy's party.

So either he is a dangerous bully, or (more likely) just a kid you and DS don't like in which case you should not have gone to HIS party either, OR invite him.

RMutt · 18/07/2011 10:11

Maybe bully's party was ages ago at the beginning of the year and all this has happened subsequently. We're at the end of the school year now. His could've been last Sept.

SenoritaViva · 18/07/2011 10:24

No, the OP in says in her original post that the bully 'had his bday a few weeks back'.

I totally agree about the fuel on fire comment (my comment) but I was talking specifically about the fact that he invited the OP's son, he accepted and went a few weeks ago and now isn't willing to return the invite. Again, doesn't matter if it was a select few, don't believe in reciprocal invites 'just because' but the fact that the other boys part was only a few weeks back... I think a six year old would struggle with that concept 'well if I am so horrible why did he come to my party'.

I certainly don't advocate inviting a bully just for peace, but if there is this problem within the class I'd have a smaller select few party.

Geordieminx · 18/07/2011 10:25

OP says the other boy had his party "a few weeks ago" Hmm

BadBagel · 18/07/2011 10:32

I don't understand why your son wasn't involved with the invitations in the first place, it's his party after all.

If it is a whole class party you cannot exclude this boy.
If it isn't a whole class party it is up to your son who he wants to invite.

RMutt · 18/07/2011 10:34

Ah yes, apologies my mistake, so she did. Why go I wonder??Confused

Children's parties though. Minefield.

It doesn't get any easier when they're older either. Dd is 12 and ran into a problem recently over a party/problem with friend being mean to her. When does it stop?!

FuzzpigFourFiveSix · 18/07/2011 10:38

Why did your DS go to this boy's birthday party?

All these threads make me quite relieved we cannot possibly afford big parties. Small birthday gatherings all the way for us I feel.

pigletmania · 18/07/2011 10:56

Just because your son went to this boys party does not mean that you have to invite him. The party fir your ds is meant to be enjoyable not make your ds unhappy. Don't have a class or a big party just limit it to a few of his friends

pingu2209 · 18/07/2011 11:00

Did you attend his party? If you did then you are being unreasonable. If you didn't attend his party, then I would say it is okay not to invite him.

SenoritaViva · 18/07/2011 11:03

But her son DID attend the party a few weeks ago and she is inviting all the boys in the class EXCEPT this one (at this point anyway).

She can't undo going to his party and it sounds like she's sent the invites out anyway (they're in her DC's book bag).

As I said before, I'd watch the boy like a hawk and not tolerate any bullying behaviour and either leave him out of a game or if he was hideous call his mum to collect early.

2shoes · 18/07/2011 11:03

if your ds doesn't want him there don't invite him, it is you ds's party or as someone suggested ask his mum to come and watch him

SenoritaViva · 18/07/2011 11:07

I don't think a 6 year old would think 'ah, I'm not invited to the party because I have been mean to DS'. If the OP is going to take that strategy then I think she needs to explain to the mum why so that the child can understand and it can be a lesson learned. Otherwise it is simply an experience that will hurt the other child and possibly drive them further towards unpleasant behaviour.