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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not invite this boy to DS's birthday party?

144 replies

DarlingDuck · 18/07/2011 08:19

DS is 5. There is a boy in his class who is often very unkind to DS and the other children, we have had to go into the school about 4 times because of it and it made DS's first year at school really awful. The boy is in DS's group of friends although says mean things and hits/pokes them all regularly.

DS's 6th birthday is coming up and he is adamant he doesn't want this boy to be invited although all the other boys in the class are going to be. The boy had his bday a few weeks back and DS was invited. I have reasoned with DS but he just really doesn't want him to come, AIBU not to invite him?

OP posts:

HairyFrotter · 18/07/2011 19:51

Well I certainly wouldn't expect dd to be invited to the party of someone she bullied - although thankfully we haven't had this issue. I think it's stupid that you seem to have to invite everyone to parties these days anyway. I mean I wouldn't leave a few out if dd was just indifferent to them but when you are expected to invite people who actually bully your child that just takes the biscuit. OP you would be better off having no party or one with just a few friends than inviting this boy imo.

Goblinchild · 18/07/2011 19:52

This child is a 6. Can you not monitor or control his behaviour for a couple of hours? What about a parent?
if your son hates and fears him, as do his classmates, how hypocritical to have gone to his party.
How confusing for the child. I hate you, I'm scared but I'll come for the entertainment.
Are they in the same class next year OP?

Pleb1969 · 18/07/2011 19:53

just to throw something else in the pot to consider - maybe this lad coming to your DS party will change how he behaves towards him in the future? My eldest DS was bullied/picked on by a boy at school, so we had him round one day after school for tea. This boy couldn't have been more polite to me, they played together really well and remained firm friends until he emigrated last year (3 years down the line). May be worth a try...

ll31 · 18/07/2011 19:57

dont knowwhy your ds went to his party if thats the situation.. if you're having small party then fine don't invite him. If your inviting whole class and your ds went to his party few weeks ago then to be honest think your being unreasonable.. why not just have smaller party - I dont think your under any rule that you have ot invite all boys but i do think it would be nasty to just leave out one - evenif ur ds doesn't like him, bullying issue etc.

PaperBank · 18/07/2011 20:03

I don't think you could leave out just one child. Better to have a smaller party as others have said.

Original poster

DarlingDuck · 18/07/2011 20:10

Hi I'm back. DS was invited, he wasn't sure if he wanted to go or not, he loves parties but has had issues with this boy so he wasn't sure what to do. The boys mum asked me whether DS was coming as she hadn't heard back from a lot of the parents and said her Ds was very fond of my DS and was really exited about his friends coming... There hadn't been any major incidents in the weeks preceeding the party so I told DS he would have fun and should go. I made sure I stayed and the boy did start playing up alhough not towards DS. After it finished DS said he hoped the boy didn't have to come to his party as he had seen his behaviour towards teh other children that day.

OP posts:

ragged · 18/07/2011 20:21

Heaven forbid you should not invite the child and so give him and his parents the message that the precious little darling is unwelcome until he stops his unpleasant behaviour.

I can think of at least 10 reasons why that "message" might not get thru to any of the players.

It's up to you, OP, what your conscience can live with. I'd invite the unpleasant boy, & tell my DS to suck it up and be the bigger person.

ohnoudidnt · 18/07/2011 20:27

Is he the only boy not going? If so you are bang out.

HairyFrotter · 18/07/2011 20:50

Why should he 'suck it up' on his birthday? It's supposed to be a party for him to enjoy. It's bad enough he has to 'suck it up' at school.

ThePosieParker · 18/07/2011 21:03

I think I would call the parents and give them heads up that he's not invited given the 'freak' incident and your son crying. Be very nice and say you understand that this can be upsetting but their son has been truly awful to yours.

I think I would rather do this than force my child to have him.

pigletmania · 18/07/2011 21:19

I personally would have discouraged my dc to go to this boys party considering his past behaviour towards your dc, and that he has caused trouble for your ds at school, and would have told his mum that your ds was not going. You were sending out mixed messages. I would just have a small party, not all the boys and not invite him, if your ds really does not want him there. You did not do the right thing by allowing your ds to go to this boys party.

eurycantha · 18/07/2011 21:25

I had a party when I was 8 my parents invited the class bully,verbally she had teased me with her little gang since I started ,not that I had told my parents she was a bi....I told them I didnt want them to invite her but her mother knew my mother so she came ,I still remember her being there and even that she won a game which made me feel even worse.I was older than this child who is giving you DS grief,although as she was nasty at six also I wouldnt have wanted her at my party then either ,I`m with your son ,you want to invite someone to your party who is making your sons life a misery ?,I understand the point of view that you invite all of the class or you invite just a few 6--8,but some children are just plain nasty.
I had the school reunion years later and I was there as was this girl and there were several people there who would not talk to her as she had given them problems at school also.
We had a party a few years ago for the child I was looking after and the boy who was picking on her was not invited ,he had been threatening to shoot her and spitting on her work and calling her stupid.Why should these children be invited to the house on what should be your one of your childs happiest days of the year.I have no time for bullies.

Sn0wflake · 18/07/2011 21:34

I don't like the idea of excluding 1 child but after your last post I think that I am inclined to think you are being unfair to your child to invite the other boy. Your boy didn't really want to go to his party and you talked him into it and now he has to have his bully at his party.

But I think if you don't invite the kid you have to be straight with his parents because I don't think they or the other boy really know what is going on. They need to deal with their kids behaviour.

MoonGirl1981 · 18/07/2011 21:58

If your son doesn't want him there and the thought of him being there makes him CRY then you can't invite him.

He may have special needs or a bad home life but that isn't the issue.

You CANNOT invite someone who intimidates your child into their home. Your childs home is where they are supposed to feel safe.

It's your son's birthday. His 'day'. He should choose who comes, not you.

Leave the brat out. Might teach him a lesson!

Squiglettsmummy2bx · 18/07/2011 22:16

Your DS party, your house, invite who you want. It is my DS party in a couple of weeks & he is inviting his friends. My friends DS is always upsetting my DS & was shocked not to receive an invite but I just stated that it is my DS birthday party & he is meant to enjoy not be terrorised so he can pick who he wants to attend. If children want to come to a party be nice. Would you celebrate your birthday with someone who upset you???

StayingNearlyHeadlessNicksGirl · 18/07/2011 23:27

If this child is so nasty that your ds doesn't want him at his party, why did he go to the bully's party?

I don't think your ds can have it both ways - if he's prepared to tolerate the other boy's behaviour in order to go to a party, then he should be prepared to tolerate it at his party. Anything else is hypocritical, in my opinion.

hester · 18/07/2011 23:36

I don't think you should ruin your DS' birthday by inviting this child to his party.

Equally, I don't think you can leave one child out. Is it too late to rethink the party, and have something smaller?

BadBagel · 18/07/2011 23:46

OP it seems you have dug your own hole here. You persuaded ds to go to this boys party and he told you afterwards he hoped this boy didn't have to come to his party, so why did you invite him then?

It is still is not clear to me if this is a whole class party or just the boys.

pigletmania · 19/07/2011 08:31

I agree Staying totally. I was bullied badly at school and I tell you unwound hated to have gone to my bullies party, and there is no way I would have been invited anyway.

How badly is he being bullied at school by this boy. Can't be that bad if he went to his party.

pigletmania · 19/07/2011 08:35

I have kind of changed my view in light of new further information. Your ds should invite him, he was prepared to suck it up and go to his party so he should have this boy at his. Maybe his parents could come and supervise. Maybe it's a lesson to be learnt by your ds

gastonscave · 19/07/2011 08:53

The OP's son is six for gods sake. 'Suck it up', 'he'll learn to be the bigger person' really!!

And to the poster who said the ops son was two faced for going to the kids party it's beyond words. Of course he went I would have when I was SIX

And for what it's worth the majority of the bullies at my DS's school came from lovely MC families who all socialised together and bitched together, and that was the parents, wonder where the kids learnt the behaviour! it has got so bad we moved school as the headteacher didn't have the backbone to confront the kids or parents we were the first of many.

pigletmania · 19/07/2011 09:01

Gaston I was bullied at primary school, yes when I was op son age and yes I loved parties as much as the next kid, but would have hated to go to my tormentors party. No he cannot have it both ways and yes it's a lesson to learn. Maybe op should be the bigger person and just invite some boys/girls instead of all boys

ThePosieParker · 19/07/2011 09:12

Is the lesson learned here that the OP's DS should put up with bullying?

halcyondays · 19/07/2011 09:14

I wouldn't invite him, why would you want to invite someone to a birthday part when your child is begging you not to? Is there any reason why you need to invite all the boys in the class? Are there no girls invited, at this age parties tend to have a mix of boys and girls?

ituneless · 19/07/2011 09:15

This is all a bit pointless, unless of course the OP removed the invitation before sending it to school with her DS yesterday - but she hasn't answered that.

If she has invited him it's against most of the advice she has asked for and been given on this thread, foolish and selfish IMO.

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