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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel upset about sil not breastfeeding?

1003 replies

wheelygirl · 17/07/2011 12:39

hi, new here so pls be gentle!

My dh's brother and his wife had a baby boy four days ago. She said she had a lovely birth and was out of hospital the next day.

We visited them yesterday at home and sil was bottle feeding. Now, I don't give a shit how people feed their children, I don't have any kids (am pg)But I got quite upset because her ds kept trying to breastfeed from her. He was refusing the bottle and kept nuzzling into her chest. Her breasts were leaking as well and she told me she was hand expressing and chucking it away. I asked her why she didnt give it to her ds and she told me that she doesn't want him to get used to breast milk. He had the formula milk then vomited it back up five minutes later. He was really crying and it made me feel awful when he was turning his head to her breast and opening his mouth.

She then went on to tell me that he hasn't even had colostrum because it was too much of a faff to get him to latch on. Colostrum is the important stuff right?

Why do I feel so upset about this? I felt her ds was doing something so instinctive and she should at least have tried to breastfeed. I understand that some women have great difficulty breastfeeding and formula is a more than adequate alternative but at least try and do it.

Aibu?

OP posts:
usualsuspect · 17/07/2011 12:55

YABU

faverolles · 17/07/2011 12:55

If she only had her baby 4 days ago, and she has 10 visitors in one go, possibly clamouring to feed and cuddle the new baby, I seriously doubt you are seeing a true representation on how she is.
Poor thing is probably completely overwhelmed, worried about doing the right thing, and knackered to boot.

HairyFrotter · 17/07/2011 12:55

But the OP doesn't care how people feed their kids remember Hmm.
It's the fact that the mum isn't getting everything right (in the OP's opinion) after 4 days.

helenthemadex · 17/07/2011 12:55

I would have felt a bit sad to see what you describe, but her baby her choice

do you know why she has chosen not to bf

27tilly · 17/07/2011 12:57

YABU None of your business at all

GwendolineMaryLacey · 17/07/2011 12:58

YABU. DD used to do that to me, the nuzzling etc. But if I actually tried to breastfeed her she kept moving her head away, screamed blue murder and made herself sick. Would you like to imagine how upsetting that was for me?

Original poster
wheelygirl · 17/07/2011 12:58

For those of you who didn't breastfeed, did you give your babies colostrum? Because it's drummed into us all the time how important colostrum is.

OP posts:
saladsandwich · 17/07/2011 12:59

YABU - new mums need support not judging whether they are comforting their child, i think i would have found a room of people when ds was 4 days old overwhelming tbh.

a new born being sick [shocked]

worraliberty · 17/07/2011 12:59

You know what I find even sadder than your OP?

The fact you made so many snap judgements in one single visit Hmm

Re the 'comforting'...well she had a house full of 10 people so it's hardly a natural environment is it?

Certainly nothing to judge her for.

iMemoo · 17/07/2011 12:59

You're not really listening are you OP?

27tilly · 17/07/2011 13:00

No I didn't. Both my children were in NNU and were fed EBM after 2 weeks.

Then, Shock horror, Both were FF after 6 weeks!

GwendolineMaryLacey · 17/07/2011 13:00

No, I didn't. Because the mws did not show me how to bf or express, shouted at me and bullied me give dd formula instead.

DD is in front of me dancing to the cbeebies song. I'll try to live with the guilt...

Shakirasma · 17/07/2011 13:01

Boy oh boy are you in for a reality check when yours arrives OP

She is a new mother, her son is 4 days old. She doesn't even know him yet but she has a houseful of visitors judging her and believing they could do better. The poor woman!!!

Leave her to get to know her son in peace and develop a bond and routine before you spout on the Internet about how she's doing it wrong.

As for feeding, it is her business and nobody else's. Her son will come to no harm by having formula. Not physically or emotionally. If she's decided not to BF the bests advice she could be given would be to strap her boobs up tight and stop expressing. THats what a caring family member would be saying rather than looking down their nose at her.

worraliberty · 17/07/2011 13:01

For those of you who didn't breastfeed, did you give your babies colostrum? Because it's drummed into us all the time how important colostrum is.

In a word NO.

3 very healthy boys here (eldest 19.6yrs) and not a single allergy or illness between them.

Yes it's drummed in 'nowdays' but it wasn't always like that.

I have a feeling you'll cringe at the memory of this thread when you have your own kids.

feedthegoat · 17/07/2011 13:02

I really hope that breastfeeding comes easily to you OP and you don't make the heart rending guilt ridden decision to stop when your nipples are just one big huge blister and your baby is vomiting back your blood. All this on top of every midwife you encounter giving up on trying to get your baby to latch because of your flat nipples. should you find yourself in this unfortunate position, I hope you have family around you who will support you emotionally instead of judging you.

When I was pregnant I thought breastfeeding would be the easiest, most natural instinctive thing ever. Then when my first response to my newborns cries of hunger was having to resist the urgew to lock myself in another room, I realised in wasn't.

DogsBestFriend · 17/07/2011 13:02

wheelygirl....

"I formula fed both my (now teenaged, remarkably healthy) children. I had no intention of breastfeeding whatsoever and am totally satisfied with my choice."

In short, the answer to your question (though obvious to me) is no. No breastfeeding whatsoever.

MumblingRagDoll · 17/07/2011 13:02

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

cloudydays · 17/07/2011 13:03

Congratulations on your pregnancy and all the best of luck for a healthy, happy birth. :)

And congratulations on your new nephew. I'm sure that your angst over your SIL's choice not to breastfeed is because you love him immensely already and you want the very best for him. I can understand that, and you're not wrong to feel that way, of course.

But you will soon find out, as all mothers do, what it feels like to be judged by people who think they could parent your child better than you can. And you will discover all of the other contextual things that inform each decision, and how easily your own decisions could be judged by those who are ignorant of the full context.

Your nephew is being fed, comforted and looked after by the best person for the job: his mother. She's not doing it in the way that you would, and that's neither her problem, nor your business.

Sorry but YABU.

VinegarTits · 17/07/2011 13:03

i was bottlefed

i turned out perfectly normal

GwendolineMaryLacey · 17/07/2011 13:03

She didn't...

:o

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 17/07/2011 13:05

"That's my point. If she was breastfeeding that would be a comfort in itself, but she doesn't cuddle or comfort him. "

She had her baby 4 days ago. Give her a break. All I wanted to do after having my DS was cuddle him all day and night long. Didn't feel like that after my DD's birth. Felt like I'd been hit by a freight train, totally overwhelmed by the whole thing, the labour, the birth, the visitors... oh, and the judgements from people who don't really have a clue what they're talking about Hmm Also just because someone says they're "fine" doesn't mean they are.

RobynLou · 17/07/2011 13:05

I don't think you can judge her parenting on how she is 4days postpartum with a house full of people. it's not a natural situation, the woman probably just needs a bit of space, and may well have cuddled up in bed with the baby once you'd all gone.

I've been bfing for 4 years now but when DD1 was tiny and people turned up and wanted to hold her I didn't feel confident enough to say no/ask for her back when I knew she was hungry, so watched and felt v detached while they bounced her around trying to stop her crying. when they left I curled up with her. at least this baby wasn't hungry while everyone else had their 'turn'

worral - I'm a bit confused by your first post though, don't you think a 4day old can turn and look for a nipple? DD2 was turning her head and rooting for milk in the delivery suite!

iMemoo · 17/07/2011 13:05

And I was breast fed and I a total nut job!

Kladdkaka · 17/07/2011 13:06

I never tried breastfeeding either. The thought of it alone repulsed me.

worraliberty · 17/07/2011 13:06

Oh and something else I think you'll eventually learn when your baby arrives....

Competitive parenting is never a good thing. It tends to add stress, boredom and lots of eye rolling to the rest of your family members.

I think this has to be the earliest ever example of it Lol

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