To feel upset about sil not breastfeeding?

[wheelygirl]

hi, new here so pls be gentle!

My dh's brother and his wife had a baby boy four days ago. She said she had a lovely birth and was out of hospital the next day.

We visited them yesterday at home and sil was bottle feeding. Now, I don't give a shit how people feed their children, I don't have any kids (am pg)But I got quite upset because her ds kept trying to breastfeed from her. He was refusing the bottle and kept nuzzling into her chest. Her breasts were leaking as well and she told me she was hand expressing and chucking it away. I asked her why she didnt give it to her ds and she told me that she doesn't want him to get used to breast milk. He had the formula milk then vomited it back up five minutes later. He was really crying and it made me feel awful when he was turning his head to her breast and opening his mouth.

She then went on to tell me that he hasn't even had colostrum because it was too much of a faff to get him to latch on. Colostrum is the important stuff right?

Why do I feel so upset about this? I felt her ds was doing something so instinctive and she should at least have tried to breastfeed. I understand that some women have great difficulty breastfeeding and formula is a more than adequate alternative but at least try and do it.

Aibu?

[OpinionatedPlusSprogs]

Well newbie. Threads like this ususally turn into a 1000 post flaming. There is a namechange function...

[hairfullofsnakes]

Well I don't think you are being unreasonable at all to feel
Like that. I don't only feel upset at reading what you said (upset for baby) I actually feel utterly disgusted with her. That poor poor baby, he could have had so much goodness from her milk and she obviously had it to give and he instinctively wanted it too and she is not giving it him. I feel so sad for that baby and do angry at her stupid way of thinking

[worraliberty]

worral - I'm a bit confused by your first post though, don't you think a 4day old can turn and look for a nipple? DD2 was turning her head and rooting for milk in the delivery suite!

I don't know, I just find it unlikely if the SIL is sitting there fully clothed...but to be honest, I'm only going on personal experience with my 3 bottle fed DS's.

[DogsBestFriend]

Good point worral.

Wheely, if you start this attitude now, by the time your own babe arrives you and SIL will be in full-on competetive bitching mode for years to come.

So, she doesn't do it your way... the way you don't actually have because you don't yet have children. And?

[cory]

This thread makes me profoundly grateful that I was still in hospital by day 4 and there is no way they would have let 10 visitors onto the ward at the same time. Poor woman must be stressed out of her head.

[RobynLou]

trust me it's not unlikely at all, especially if there's some milk leaking - my babies can smell milk a mile off - they're like heat seeking missiles!

[RMutt]

Blimey. I don't blame her for not attempting to BF with an audience of 10.

I tried to BF under similar circumstances (in front of dh's uncle fgs) to a chorus of 'just give her a bottle'. It might be natural but for some of us it's blimmin difficult.

No wonder it all went wrong

[faverolles]

Hairfullofsnakes - I think you'll find an attitude like that will probably turn more people away from BFing than encourage it.

I'm all for BFing, but mothers have a choice. BFing against your will must be hell on earth.

Perhaps focus your energies on supporting those who want it.

[JazzieJeff]

How do you know she's not on meds/anti d's (I know you can get anti-d's that are compatible with bfing, but not everybody can take them) that prevent her from bfing and she's just too embarrassed to say, afraid that you'll judge her?

I understand where you're coming from, but you really cannot take other people's decisions over their children so personally. You really can't. There are a thousand reasons why she might not wish to bf, and a thousand reasons why she doesn't want to discuss it further with you.

Once your own baby comes along, you'll be too busy to care!

[joric]

AloiseG
I would feel exactly as you do op, I find it hugely upsetting that people see bottlefeeding as a perfectly acceptable way to feed a newborn
Ooh judge away....have you ever thought it may not be a possibility for the woman to BF?

OP - babies often turn their heads when being to latch on- my nephews did it to me when I held them! It's just an instinct not a sign that they are being Illtreated.

[thursday]

mine have both tried to latch on to any clothed breasts (or man chests) they were near. i think it's normal instinctive behaviour for babies. DS latched on to dhs nose and gave him a nasty suck once. didnt last with DD as she wasnt destined for bfing.

[OpinionatedPlusSprogs]

Also YABU. Some women have a terrible time trying to get their babies to latch on. Really distressing for both mother and baby. If a baby isn't latched on correctly it can be painful. Plus mothers don't always get the right help and advice. Very unfair to judge.

You may have more empathy once you have tried it.

[joric]

Being held

[TandB]

I breastfeed and then mix-fed due to massive difficulties. I will do my best to BF the next baby and I find it a bit of a shame when someone doesn't want to even try, in the absence of obvious medical/psychological issues. But I am not inside the head of every other mum and what might not seem like a valid reason to me might well be an overwhelmingly valid reason to someone else.

I think YABU and judgemental, particularly if you do not yet have a child of your own. Perhaps it would have been more helpful to avoid adding your presence to a houseful of about ten people all sitting around watching and judging a brand-new mum. I wouldn't have been at all happy with ten visitors at once, particularly if one was watching everything I did through narrowed eyes and obviously disapproving.

[michelleseashell]

I would've felt the same way... But if I was pregnant I would've been ten times more sensitive to this. You're right, it is sad but it's not the end of the world. The baby won't even know this has happened. Plus, I bet your sister in law was feeling quite overwhelmed and distracted by all the people in the room. She's probably hideously tired too and feeling detacted from reality. You'll know what I mean when your baby is born- it really is the twilight zone for a few weeks.

You will get some very abrupt answers posting this question on here though. Don't let yourself be interrogated. You've had a normal human reaction to something emotional and there's no need to feel sorry for that.

[joric]

Thursday - :o

[RobynLou]

DD1 once latched onto my chin....maybe not particularly accurate heat seeking missiles!

[wigglesrock]

If she's formula feeding, she shouldn't be hand expressing at all - don't touch your boobs if you're not breastfeeding, it'll make the leaking etc longer, maybe you could be helpful and tell her that. I have ffed from birth 3 dds, youngest 5 months, just in the interest of disclosure.

To be fair, if you feel strongly about it, I can see how you might be puzzled by her choice, but its her choice.

Ps I also find it a bit creepy when people get so worried about how other women feed their babies.

[joric]

Hairfullofsnakes .... Good god .......

[baldbyfifty]

YABU its none of your buisness, I feel sorry for your SIL with all those people watching her every move, re read this thread after you've had your baby and cringe!! lol

[DogsBestFriend]

And maybe it is possible for SIL to BF and she just doesn't want to!.

I'm troubled by all the possible reasons for not BF-ing which get made up on here. Some of us don't need or want those possible scenarios thrown in to detract from the fact that many women choose not to BF simply because we do not want to!

Please, lets have a little less of the "maybe she can't BF, maybe she's too shy, maybe she's a goblin wearing a pink hat who can only BF when Zeus gives her a piglet" crap and a little more acknowledgement that many of us can but don't BF and that this is an active choice because we have the right to choose to feed in whatever way we see fit without judgement.

[Tryharder]

I knew you would be flamed OP. And that those who ff would immediately get all defensive. And that ridiculous comment questioning a 4 day baby's ability to root for the breast....

Yes, I am being rude but I am sick of tiptoeing around the bf/ff issues where noone is allowed to say anything bad about ff but bfeeders are easy targets. Yes, it is your SIL's choice to ff but YANBU to feel sorry for her baby who when all said and done wants to bf because instinctively that's what babies want and need to do. How can a plastic bottle/teat offer anything near the same comfort to a baby than its mother's breast? Sorry if people don't want to hear that but it's true.

And I say that as someone who gave plenty of formula to DC1 and DC2.

Your SIL is unreasonable not to at least try and bf at least for a few weeks. My opinion [shrugs]