AIBU that i want to leave my dh as he doesnt want anymore kids

[bliss88]

i have been with my dh for 4 years now and we are very happy, we had a baby 2 years ago and he is beautiful, Dh is fantastic dad! one evening i started to talk about having more kids and he just snapped at me saying i dont want any more! i was shocked as i thought being brought up in a big family enviroment it would make him want to have a bigger family with me! i said to him that i dont think i can be with someone who doesnt want anymore kids, he then turned it round saying i was using him etc!

i feel so upset that the man i love and who i thought loved me doesnt want anymore children with me!

i really really want more children i dont want my ds brought up an only child! i was brought up in a big family too and i had such amazing times with my brothers and sisters.

i am currently on the coil but i dont want to have it all my life as i want more kids!

What do i do??

So because she had an unplanned pregnancy with this man she owes him the rest of her life and fertility?

Presumably by that logic before you have sex with any bloke you need to sit him down and find out how many children he wants?

She is 23, they had a baby while they were still at college.

Most college student couples don't sit down and discuss numbers of children. It doesn't mean that if the woman gets pregnant that she has to give up on ever having any more children because she hadn't made sure in advance that her boyfriend had the same plans as she does.

YANBU. you have a right to want more children. he has a right not to want any more. If it's a dealbreaker, it's a dealbreaker.

Yanbu.

Er, no. What are you reading? She married him, so she promised to spend her life with him. Maybe they should have made sure they were on the same page before they did that.
Can't believe thats such a shocking idea to some people. Have I wandered into another of those MN paralell universes?

YANBU. I only read the first page but some people are being a bit harsh!
I'm sure in time though, you can discuss the matter further and both work out what you really want. You are both still really young.

Maybe he's worried about the money aspect of things? Either way, wait a while and then have a calm discussion about it, good luck!

no i disagree.why plan how many children you want? its all pie in the sky until you actually have a child. when pregant with your first you might think you want 6, two years later you might have had your tubes tied.

sense and maturity are how you deal with situations that arise, there is not a one fits all of maturity in life planning at all.

also, the circles i mix in? ive never mixed in a circle in my life and dont intend to start. i have friends of all ages, race and religions (non too), i dont know of any that planned their children.

Oh right, so if you marry someone, THAT's when it becomes their decision how many children you have. Right.

You don't know anyone who planned their children? I find that impossible to believe. Everyone you know just goes "woops pregnant again!"?

When you marry someone, you make promises to compromise and work together. Most couples decide TOGETHER whether to have a child. On my planet anyway.

If you're the type of person who thinks you should have a child the other parent doesn't want though, I guess there is no place for reason and compromise in your life. Whatever works for you, I guess.

So to get it straight, the YANBU voters would feel happy with a hypothetical SAHD taking an existing child away from it's mother to shack up with a woman who did want more kids with him?

Presumably the existing mother can't be that into kids I'd she only wanted one, so it is not too bad for her if she now gets reduced access to her one DC? And at least she will get to pay maintenance so she can contribute as she watches her child get raised by her ex and another woman together with its new siblings, while she sits at home living with the consequences of so selfishly not wanting another child.

You see, to me that seems like a pretty awful conclusion, especially as her now ex husband once made vows to stay with her and support her. I guess I'm just a bit of a softie feeling bad for her and thinking perhaps her husband should have stayed put!

Where is the OP???

She said in her first few posts that she wanted to stand by her vowels vows which is nice. But she's now disappeared so can't join in the arguing discussions which have now started following her OP.

Well, firstly, I am sorry for the loss of your sister.

Right, I do think you are both very young and it could well be that he just isnt ready for another child yet. However, you are in a difficult situation because how long do you wait and see?

For me the baby thing would definitely be a dealbreaker, absolutely. I love DH desperately but if he had said no more after the 1st, we would have divorced as I so desperately wanted more children. Would everyone be saying the same if the OP had no children and her DH was saying no to any? For me, I actually longed for my 2nd far more than my first. It was like a physical need. If DH had said no, I wouldn't have tricked him but it would have caused massive resentment which would have led to divorce. But then, we discussed it all before getting married so I would also feel he had gone back on what we agreed.

It really is an impossible situation. You cannot force someone to have a baby they do not want but nor can you force a woman to give up her natural instinct to have babies (if that's what she wants). The snapping thing is strange though. Regardless of how he feels that's a strange reaction.

Of course marriage is about compromise but there is no compromise in this situation. It is either one decision or the other.

bliss - one thing I'd warn you against is 'accidently' getting pregnant whilst you DH is totally against you having anymore children.

OP - I am a little confused about your situation and wonder if this might actually be a bit of a red herring in a relationship with bigger problems?

An earlier comment about your previous threads rang a bell and I looked back at them. Late last year you were pretty much set on leaving your DH due to his drug addiction. In January you talk about your DP (same person or is this a different relationship?) having suddenly left you.

In your OP you suggest everything other than the children issue is wonderful. Is this really the case? Have the drugs been stopped? When did he come back to you after he left?

I am a bit concerned that you may be focussing on this children issue and not looking at other areas of concern in your relationship. Is everything else really fine?

If she was 34 then maybe she'd be wanting to think about how important another child was versus her marriage.

If she was 34 then maybe it would be a worthwhile exercise to consider leaving her husband to (potentially) meet someone else to have a child with versus her existing ds living apart from his father.

If she was 23 and had a bad relationship and this was just one symptom of this bad relationship, then considering cutting her losses would make sense.

But at 23 and in an otherwise good relationship? She's got (potentially, crystal ball being absent at the mo) 15+ years to have more children. This isn't a decision that needs to be made this year. She's not "sacrificing her fertility" to anyone.

OP, how about saying to your dh that you really want another child and that feeling will not go away. That you know that he feels differently about this but out of love for you and respect for your relationship you would like him to promise to revisit the idea in, say, 3 years time. Just an idea.

"Most couples decide TOGETHER whether to have a child."

Exactly. But that's not happening here, is it?

She's being told what's happening by her husband and when she asks on MN whether that's OK she's told she's a selfish bitch for not just going along with his wishes.

"So to get it straight, the YANBU voters would feel happy with a hypothetical SAHD taking an existing child away from it's mother to shack up with a woman who did want more kids with him? "

Why does it matter that it's a SAHD? Are you saying that parents who work are less parents than those that don't?

Getting divorced isn't "taking a child away from its parent", or do you think that nobody should ever get divorced at all for any reason whatsoever?

Sometimes relationships break down. One reason for a breakdown is that one person makes a decision and imposes it on the other person without even discussing it. That's a perfectly valid reason to end a relationship. I would not stay with a man who thought it was up to him to tell me I wasn't having any more children. How many children you have is a joint decision. If you can't come to an agreement about it, then your relationship must be pretty shit.

How the child rearing is sorted out post-divorce is irrelevant.

Although you do sound like a bit of a reactionary if you think only non-working parents should be able to have their children continue to live with them.

op sorry about the loss of you sister.

I never wanted children, but my partner did, so i agreed after almost a year of my DH asked......but my condition is that he/she wouldn't be an only child.

then 2 years later, i decided that it was the perfect time for another one, and dh said he didn't want anymore. I was prepared to leave him over this as i was hurt that he didn't want another baby especially after i agreed while he wanted a child.

looking back it was a silly reaction, because i wanted a baby due to DS starting nursery and i felt alittle redundent as he didn't need me, like he needed me as a baby.

my DD is about to start nursey soon, and i am getting those feelings again.

I think you 1st need to grieve for your sister, then have a calm talk to your husband on his feeling of not wanting another baby

Yy shecutoff. I agree with every word.

People have said that a child can be happy without siblings, or that siblings can often not get on or enrich each others' lives.

But many children also end up living happily either without a father in their lives or with divorced parents. There is no guarantee that if you subsume your desires for the sake of your husband that the marriage won't break down at some point (a v high proportion do!) or that he won't leave you at some point and maybe even start a new family with someone else. Possibly when you are too old to do the same. (And I have seen this happen twice)

It is cerrtainly not worth making enormous personal sacrifices (and IMO not having a second child you desperately want is a pretty huge one) in the belief that a marriage has to be sacrosanct.

Who's say a sibling wouldn't bring a child more happiness than a father in some cases? That was my experience.

Well, I think that what you're saying maryellen is nothing is certain in this world.

Absolutely. OP could leave her husband and never find another partner, or leave and discover that she has secondary infertility, or leave and find herself in another unsatisfying relationship, or leave and form a relationship with someone who is infertile. Or leave and have another child who, like my dh's brother, causes a huge family rift and everyone's unhappy.

Or she could stay in her relationship and find that in time the broodiness declines, or finds that her dh does infact want more children in a few years time, or finds that her dh doesn't change his mind but she makes peace with that, or finds that after he changes his mind that they have secondary infertility.

Who knows?

All we know is that she's 23 so isn't in the same position as someone who is reaching the end of their fertile life and has to make a decision one way or the other soon. So for that sole reason I'd say "wait and see" looks like a pretty good option for now.

Well one thing is certain - he isn't really very nice to her.

Why stay with a horrible man on the off chance he'll let you have another child at some point in the future?

Most couples decide TOGETHER whether to have a child
Exactly. But that's not happening here, is it?

She's being told what's happening by her husband and when she asks on MN whether that's OK she's told she's a selfish bitch for not just going along with his wishes

They are a very young couple who had one DC by accident and not surprisingly, at only 23yrs, he isn't ready to have another.
I don't know many 23yrs who would be and I am very thankful that mine don't have DCs yet -I don't even want them to think of settling down until late 20's.
They have years ahead-Idoubt he will think the same in 10yrs. I expect money is a worry-how many 23yr olds can support a wife and 2 DC these days? Not any that I know.

I don't think that those calling him 'a horrible man' are the mother's of 23yr olds. When you are, you will realise how young it is!

sorry-always get raging apostrophes!

don't do anything at the minute. it may have been a day when your ds was being particularly a two year old and he was just tired and fed up. two year olds are hard work. plus two years isn't that much of a gap between esp when your 23 its not like you have time going against you. if you have a proper discussion about it or maybe give it a bit more time and DH still doesn't want any more deal with it then. don't take a snap at face value.

have to say thought that it is devastating not having a baby when you want one. im 24 with a 2 yo and wanted to try for another but can't because of my stupid gallbladder. i need surgery and can't put it off as its really affecting me and if pregnant would be even worse as i couldn't take my painkillers or anti sickness tablets. i know i will have more children in the future but it was a big blow when i knew i had to make the decision not to. im devastated at having to wait a while longer, i do not have any idea how women who can't ever cope.