AIBU that i want to leave my dh as he doesnt want anymore kids

[bliss88]

i have been with my dh for 4 years now and we are very happy, we had a baby 2 years ago and he is beautiful, Dh is fantastic dad! one evening i started to talk about having more kids and he just snapped at me saying i dont want any more! i was shocked as i thought being brought up in a big family enviroment it would make him want to have a bigger family with me! i said to him that i dont think i can be with someone who doesnt want anymore kids, he then turned it round saying i was using him etc!

i feel so upset that the man i love and who i thought loved me doesnt want anymore children with me!

i really really want more children i dont want my ds brought up an only child! i was brought up in a big family too and i had such amazing times with my brothers and sisters.

i am currently on the coil but i dont want to have it all my life as i want more kids!

What do i do??

[HalfTermHero]

YANBU. I think it is one of those issues that can break a marriage or relationship up. You can't help how you feel and if you will forever resent your dh and feel differently about him then there is not much point in you both being miserable forever.

[SheCutOffTheirTails]

"They are a very young couple who had one DC by accident and not surprisingly, at only 23yrs, he isn't ready to have another."

No, it isn't remotely surprising.

But it still doesn't excuse being so horrible to his wife because she assumed (entirely reasonably) that they would have more children one day.

And neither is it surprising that a young woman who has ended up married to a college boyfriend after they had an accidental pregnancy hadn't thought through how many children she might eventually want, or how their lives together would pan out.

And yet his woman has been pilloried on here by far older women, who are basically telling her that it's tough shit if she has made a mistake by marrying this man because they want different things, that now that she's married with a child she has to sacrifice the rest of her life to his whims and desires.

If he never wants any more children, and she does, then it is entirely reasonable of her to consider whether their marriage will go the distance.

Whether or not she needs to make this decision at such a young age is another matter. I tend to agree with you that 23 is too young to be tied down like that, it's not what I want for my children.

OTOH if they should find themselves married with a child at 21, I might advise them to have all their children young to give them more flexibility when they're older. The worst childrearing scenario I can personally imagine is having very spaced out children throughout your entire 20s and 30s.

So it's not necessarily the case that the best thing to do is just wait around hoping he'll change his mind. We advise women on here not to do that all the time, because when someone speaks to you, you should listen.

I think she should raise this again, calmly, and see if she can find out what his real feelings are. Then she should think about what kind of life she wants, and then talk to him again about whether their goals are as compatible as they thought when they decided to marry.

The absolutely last thing she should is decide to sacrifice herself to him and this relationship, or presume that eventually he'll change is mind. Either of those things will mean a corrosive, unpleasant relationship that will probably founder anyway.

[exoticfruits]

Is she sacrificing herself?I thought she was happy? Has no one thought he is scared? My DS is 22yrs-he couldn't support any one other than himself at the moment.

[SheCutOffTheirTails]

She would be sacrificing herself if she gave up on what she wanted for her life to make him happy.

Are you really advising a young woman to ignore problems in her relationship because she's happy enough at the moment?

What has his being scared got to do with anything? Maybe she's scared. Or does only male fear count?

[MsPlaced]

Nobody said anything like that, Tails, you're actually making stuff up. I imagine you are projecting mightily.

Anyway, a cursory look at OP's other posts show that he is a drug using loser who has already left her once, so the "we're so happy and he's wonderful and I want a big family" malarkey is, to put it mildly, questionable.

[Mouseface]

"Anyway, a cursory look at OP's other posts show that he is a drug using loser who has already left her once, so the "we're so happy and he's wonderful and I want a big family" malarkey is, to put it mildly, questionable."

Exactly MsPlaced

And where is bliss? Hope she's ok.

[SheCutOffTheirTails]

When you say "projecting", what do you mean, exactly?

Are you a proper psychologist? Or one of the armchair kind?

If he's a drug using loser and he's left her before then we're presumably all agreed she should leave him forthwith.

But hang on a minute - how can you take a child away from a parent just because they aren't mature? No, she should stay and sacrifice herself on the altar of the promises she made at 21.

[MsPlaced]

I have an actual qualification in psychology, yes.

Projecting seems quite clear. You keep adding in things no-one has said and then dramatically blowing them out of proportion to comments, perhaps you should ask yourself why.

[SheCutOffTheirTails]

My Mum has an "actual qualification in psychology", but she's not a psychologist.

Is being a psychologist your job, or just something you like to do online for kicks?

"perhaps you should ask yourself why."

PMSL :o

Did you learn how to be a messageboard psychologist by watching TV?

[MsPlaced]

Um, no, I don't really watch much TV. But I am involved in cyber-psychology research.


Not sure what that actually has to do with anything though. If you look around you'll see a lot of opinions here. The people commenting on recipes don't all have degrees in culinary arts, and those talking about computers aren't all software developers. So in essence, whats your fecking point?

[exoticfruits]

I had no idea he was a drug user and had left once before! That puts a different slant on it-except that I was right in that he isn't mature enough to have another DC-he needs to grow up himself first.
I would sort out other issues first.

[SheCutOffTheirTails]

"If you look around you'll see a lot of opinions here."

Yep, I see that.

But apparently my opinions need your special psychologist expertise, which is presumably why you started trying talking about projecting and giving me advice about the questions I might like to ask myself.

So, in essence, what is your fecking point?

"The people commenting on recipes don't all have degrees in culinary arts, and those talking about computers aren't all software developers."

Quite.

But of course, this isn't a thread about psychology. It's just one where you started using psychology jargon.

If I'm on a thread about knitting and somebody comes on and starts using botany jargon I might laugh about that too.

[MsPlaced]

No, I made a comment, and you blew it out of all proportion. Which is actually what you've done throughout the thread. Bit of a pattern there?

Projection isn't psychology jargon, by the way, its just a word that is widely used. I'm surprised anyone would think it was.

[SheCutOffTheirTails]

It's a word that is widely used by people who like using psychology jargon.

You know, the kind of person who asks little passive-aggressive questions?

[MsPlaced]

Well forgive me for over-estimating your intelligence. My humblest apologies.

[Al0uiseG]

Wooo! Its like one of those two handed EastEnders episodes

[Oblomov]

When Op was asked, directly, by 3 or 4 posters, why she hadn't discussed this issue, prior to marriage...... she left.
Not very mature. I think that maybe symptomatic of the rest ofher life ?

[Mouseface]

Yes she did Oblo (hello btw ), she's gone. Maybe she's at her sister's funeral?

[SheCutOffTheirTails]

It's not my intelligence you're overestimating.

[Oblomov]

Hello Mouseface. how are you ?

[MsPlaced]

its your comprehension too?

[SheCutOffTheirTails]

No, its my punctuation.

[TubbyFunster]

I haven't read the whole thread as it all got a bit nasty, but, he was probably just a bit tired.

[Mouseface]

Good thanks sweets, you? Looking forward to summer!

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

I'm nodding like the Churchill dog at exoticfruit's posts. 23 is awfully young and for some people, another child would be a nightmare, especially if things have just started to settle down now that the first DC is a little older.

A few years will not make a difference in terms of age gaps between the children but it could make a heck of a difference to the relationship between OP and her husband.

Marriage vows are serious and I hope that OP and her husband can talk through this. Making the husband take responsibility for the contraception sounds really petulant and the only way that can go is badly. In OP's position, I would concentrate on their lives together now, enjoying DS and getting agreement that they will review in a year or so. If OP makes it clear that she will not have another child without DH's agreeemnt then perhaps he will relax on the issue and trust OP not to have an 'accident'.

I really don't see this as a 'feminist' thing, not everything is about that - sometimes it's about other issues and more importantly, a young couple's marriage.