AIBU that i want to leave my dh as he doesnt want anymore kids

[bliss88]

i have been with my dh for 4 years now and we are very happy, we had a baby 2 years ago and he is beautiful, Dh is fantastic dad! one evening i started to talk about having more kids and he just snapped at me saying i dont want any more! i was shocked as i thought being brought up in a big family enviroment it would make him want to have a bigger family with me! i said to him that i dont think i can be with someone who doesnt want anymore kids, he then turned it round saying i was using him etc!

i feel so upset that the man i love and who i thought loved me doesnt want anymore children with me!

i really really want more children i dont want my ds brought up an only child! i was brought up in a big family too and i had such amazing times with my brothers and sisters.

i am currently on the coil but i dont want to have it all my life as i want more kids!

What do i do??

[Groovee]

I was 22 when I had dd, who wasn't planned. I had also told dh that I wanted my children together. I come from a family where my siblings were 14,13 and 11 when I arrived. The 3 of them are close and I've always felt different and distant from them. If I'd not had dd, then I wouldn't have had ds and completed my family by 24.

I went through a broody part when ds was 2. Dh asked me for time to consider a 3rd and when he said yes, I went off the idea. For 5 years we rarely used contraception and it never happened. Dh then had the snip.

At 23 you are both still quite young but never say never as you could have at least another 20 years where you could still have a child. Enjoy your son and family life and maybe one day your dh will have a change of heart. But I would sit down and have a frank discussion with dh to find out what you both feel and how you both can come to a compromise.

[BibiBelle]

I can do in future, was just mentioning that breaking up a big chunk of typing makes it easier to read

[HerBeX]

Get your coil removed, tell him that you're doing that and that from now on, he ahs to take responsibility for contraception seeing as how he's the one who doesn't want children. Is he intending to have a vasectomy? If he's really serious about not wanting more kids, that's what he'd do, so if he's not willing to do that, then there is still a chance that this decision is not final on his part.

[FannyAnnPam]

Hi Bliss

I had my first child at 19 (he is nearly 15 now) and vowed never to have any more. I married my husband vowing never to have any more... now here we are years down the line wanting to start again.

I would have a chat with your DH at a relaxed time (not just before bed though), maybe ask him where he sees the family in 10 or 15 years time. Talk about the future in a wider context and see what comes up.

You have years and years ahead of you, don't jump to any decision just yet but do have a chat with DH...

Good luck x

[Georgimama]

I don't think anyone is offended by your posts. I just think people are stunned that you are so set on getting your own way that you are prepared to break up your marriage.

Have you considered the fact that if you try to bully your husband into agreeing to have another child now (you say you are broody and your friends are having babies so you clearly want to get pregnant very soon rather than this being a hypothetical discussion about the future) and he reluctantly agrees, the pressures it may put on your marriage may cause it to break down anyway? A baby you want is so hard on a relationship, let alone one that one person was bullied into on the threat that their wife would leave and they would find themselves a weekend dad to the child they already had.

[rainbowtoenails]

Are you sure he is saying, no never as opposed to, not now? Big big differerence.

[bliss88]

i ffel i have caused alot of aggrivation in this message maybe i should nt have put in aibu i dont really go on here much my mil uses it alot and gets very kind feedback!

my parents are split up to when i was very young and i wasnt afffeected i see my mdad and love my step just as much!

noone wants to see a child have to see his mummy and daddy splilt i would never ever want this! but we are a family and my feelings are included in this and i should have my own oppinion! when he said he didnt want anymore ikids i didnt say right im leavign you blah blah blah! i left it a whild and mentioned gently that are we meant to be together, he then actualyl agreed that maybe this isnt the right marriage.

i then said well lets see what happens when i finish my nursing maybe you will change in a few years time and he said im not sure i will. so i came on here for advice to see if i should leave him and if anyone had been in my postion. not to be jugded and called selfish and tell me im bored with my own child thats not fair!

im leaving this convo now but thanks for all advice nasty and nice x

[diddl]

Also, what if you leave him & can´t find anyone else-or you can´t have any more?

You find out why he said it & depending on his reasons, you might be able to reassure him,

[fastweb]

"and feel guilty in wanted more children."

Nobody is saying you should guilty about wanting more.

I think you are drawing heat because you don't seem to be able to grasp the ramifications for you son when you bandy splitting up as a retort to your husband's current unwillingness to increase the number of children who will dependant on you being able to put their needs before your wants.

[Pandemoniaa]

You are 23, OP. Not 16. So while you are young, you ought to be old enough to do a spot of adult thinking and not go into Tragedy Queen mode at the drop of the hat. Or, for that matter, keep falling back on the "I'm just a young mum, all of you have to be nice to meeeeeeeee!" defence that is getting rather tiring.

But to be positive, why not consider the very real possibility that your DH might change his mind once your ds is a little older and you have both finished your training? You have plenty of years ahead of you to discuss having more children and certainly, you don't need to get broody right now. Just because friends are having more babies is not an adequate reason to foist an unwanted pregnancy on your husband and to suggest you up and leave him on the basis of the discussions you've had up to now is ridiculous.

[sayithowitis]

Firstly, Op is quite right to say the time to discuss how many children she wanted, was not when leaving the church after her marriage service. The correct time to discuss it would have been before even setting the date!

I do think YABU to be suggesting splitting up your family over this right now. You are both very young and there is so much pressure on families these days. It could be that your DH has genuine worries about the financial stability at the moment. Maybe he feels that to have another child now, would put even more pressure on him. Sadly, with the employment situation the whole country is in and the way costs are rising, he might feel he cannot take on any more financial commitments at the moment. And whatever way you look at it, a child is an enormous financial commitment.

If you had any problems at all during your first pregnancy/birth, he may have concerns about it happening again. If you suffered any form of PND, he could be concerned about that.

Whatever his reason, it is clear that right now he is not ready to think about more children. Personally, I would let it go for the moment, then later ( talking months here, not minutes), I would try to ave a reasonable discussion about it. Acknowledge his right to not want anymore children. Do not ask him to jusify it, rather to explain his reasons. But then accept his reasons. He is entitled to them, as you are entitled to yours.

Only once this has been discussed sensibly can you decide what is right for your family.

[Fuzzywuzzywozabear]

FWIW my opinion is you are both very young - my DSD and her fiance "accidentally" got pregnant (that's what she told her dad!) when she was 24 and had her second at 26 - we thought they were both too young (although we kept our thoughts to ourselves) and they are now struggling financially and she can't work as much as she'd like because of childcare issues

One of my cousins had a child very young and they didn't have their second and third until about 10 years later when they felt more mature and financially secure

I think my point is that you are only 23 and there is plenty of time for you both to enjoy your child as he is now and things may change for your husband as he grows older.

[Empusa]

"baby bank closed"

Christ.. does anyone really think of their DP's this way? What an awful basis for a relationship.

[Georgimama]

my parents are split up to when i was very young and i wasnt afffeected i see my mdad and love my step just as much!

Good for you. On the other hand it ruins some children's lives for years afterwards. It did mine. Want to take the chance with your son's?

[Skeptical]

Bliss I have complete and utter sympathy for you and I am in a very similar position myself. It is heart wrenching and something that I think is hard for people who aren't in this situation to understand.

I think there is a very big difference between a DH saying "no more" when you only have 1 than when you already have 2. I can't bear the thought of having on only child and yet, because of my DH that is what I am likely to have.

I don't understand his decision as he is very close to his siblings (as am I) and I think it is just selfishness on his part. He has seen his niece and nephew bickering, as most siblings do, and he says he couldn't put up with it. That his entire reason for not having more. No consideration for my feelings or the long-term impact on our DS.

And that is the heart of the matter and why it CAN lead to a break-down in a loving marriage. As someone said earlier, there is no compromise and one of you has to back down. But for me, by him pushing me to back down on this will lead to a simmering resentment that I think will ultimaltely destroy us.

Sorry for hijacking a bit I just wanted to show you that you aren't alone and I understand how you feel, and it feels like shit :(

[fastweb]

or the long-term impact on our DS.

And what long term impact would that be ? In what way is it comparable to the long term impact for the children of divorced parents ?

I can totoally understand your pain at being denied the chance of more children, but I don't think you can rationalise your husband's choice as condeming your child to the impact of being an only...

Studies - outcomes for only children

[ihatecbeebies]

Wow I can't believe how nasty some posters have been to you, you've only came here for advice. YANBU for the way you feel. I'm 23 and my DP is 27, we've been together 2 and a half years and I have a 4yr old DS, when we first got together he was adamant he didn't want any more children whatsoever.

We used to argue about it then I came to the conclusion that he was still young and would probably change his mind and I didn't want more children at that particular point anyway so it seemed a shame to end a great relationship over something that might or might not change but didn't really matter at the time IYSWIM.

Now he's changed his mind and is no longer so strongly against the idea of more children, says he'd love a little girl one day and a few days ago when DS was being cute and lovely he said "aw why can't we have another one?", and talks about 'when/if we have more children'. Your DH is still very young and may change his mind but I think you should have a proper chat about it and talk about what you both want in the future (but obv stress that you don't mean having children in the immediate future incase this is how it is interpreted)

[AgentZigzag]

Where have posters been nasty to the OP ihatecbeebies?

[Georgimama]

People often bang on that MNers wouldn't say the things they say on here in real life. And a lot of the time, that is entirely true. If a 23 year old mother of a two year old of my acquaintance came to me with this tale I would urge her to talk to her husband, and make sympathetic noises. But I would think exactly what I have said to the OP and wish I could say it. And that's what you get on MN - the advice people would give you in real life if they weren't constrained by social convention, a desire to keep on the right side of you or their feelings for you. You get what people really think.

[Skeptical]

fastweb, by long-term impact I guess I mean the future when DS is an adult and has no siblings (and potentially no nieces or nephews.) I think that way because both me and DH are very close to all of our siblings and our social lives pretty much revolve around them. I know that our DS may make friends that he comes to see as brothers and sisters, but IMO it is not the same bond as growing up under the same roof as someone.

I would never divorce my husband over this, as in I wouldn't flounce out and say "right no more babies so I'm off" kind of way. But if I am honest the way my DH is being so stubborn and disregarding my feelings is making me see him in a different light, which I think will lead to long-term resentment. I know he has as much say in this as I do, but I don't think he has really thought this through as when I question him about it, it always comes back to the bickering which I think is a pathetic excuse quite frankly.

[CalamityKate]

YANBU to want more kids.

YABU to assume that your wish for more kids is more important than his wish not to.

YWBBU (you were both being unreasonable) not to have sorted this out sooner.

YABU to use so many exclamation marks.

[ihatecbeebies]

The post at 10:51:08 was definitely too far IMO!

[CalamityKate]

Oh and you are being VVVVVU to take the "Give me more kids or I'll leave" attitude.

You'd seriously break up your family just because you want more kids?

What would you do if, God forbid, something happened that meant your DH couldn't have any more kids?

What if the roles were reversed, and he wanted more, and you didn't, and he told you that he was leaving?

[Pagwatch]

Well then report it ihatecbeebies.

If you think a post is too much, report it.

[BibiBelle]

I agree with PagWatch - if you feel it is out of order then report it. I personally don't think it is and the OP can't expect to come onto AIBU regards this issue and expect us all to fawn over her individual needs and not those of her (absent) DH who isn't here to convey his opinion.

Maybe she had a problematic pregnancy/traumatic birth. Maybe she was the worst pregnant woman in the world OR suffered from PND that has affected him too? Their house/garden/car might be too small for them already. Could the financial crisis that is affecting us all be preying on his mind or has he a notion to go travelling again?! There could be a vast array of reasons he doesn't want more children right now.

She's been given sensible advice and hasn't answered the majority of questions so short of interviewing her DH ourselves we're rather tied regards 'kind' advice.