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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU that i want to leave my dh as he doesnt want anymore kids

218 replies

bliss88 · 16/07/2011 10:30

i have been with my dh for 4 years now and we are very happy, we had a baby 2 years ago and he is beautiful, Dh is fantastic dad! one evening i started to talk about having more kids and he just snapped at me saying i dont want any more! i was shocked as i thought being brought up in a big family enviroment it would make him want to have a bigger family with me! i said to him that i dont think i can be with someone who doesnt want anymore kids, he then turned it round saying i was using him etc!

i feel so upset that the man i love and who i thought loved me doesnt want anymore children with me!

i really really want more children i dont want my ds brought up an only child! i was brought up in a big family too and i had such amazing times with my brothers and sisters.

i am currently on the coil but i dont want to have it all my life as i want more kids!

What do i do??

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 16/07/2011 10:57

Please do not trap your husband into having more children, that is an immature, deceitful and manipulative thing to do - that action has nothing to do with love and is only about your own selfishness.

You both have plenty of room to grow and you have a loooooong time to have another child. Yes, you should have had this discussion before the first one but you didn't and now you have to concentrate on your family as it is now and not just focusing on the future.

Just keep talking (not defensively) and don't take entrenched positions - people change a lot between 23 and 30.

worraliberty · 16/07/2011 10:58

I think you might need to grow a thicker skin if you feel you've been 'attacked' here? Hmm

No most couples don't discuss how many kids they want 'the minute they've left the church'....it's usually before they enter it.

4madboys · 16/07/2011 10:58

and what did he say when you had that discussion, is he going back on what he said?

and i think people are being harsh, if both parties only want one child fine, but when one wants more then it is a lot to give up, i think give it time and try and talk about it again, finish your training, enjoy the ds you have and talk again, you may find once you arent studying and your ds is older that he has time to reflect and change his mind?

if he has changed the goal posts then that is unfair of him!

AgentZigzag · 16/07/2011 10:58

I dare to say I think you're selfish bliss because that's my opinion, it's up to you if you want to take it as a personal attack.

If splitting up your family is the last thing you want to do, why did you put it in the title of your thread?

I'm was only going on what you'd decided to write in the OP, and me being a woman with children has nothing to do with it.

I think it's horrible to even suggest you'd take out your coil without talking about it with him. What if you were the one who didn't want any more children and your DH decided to go against your wishes when you thought he was using a contraception and he wasn't? That would be totally wrong.

Loving someone doesn't mean doing what they say all the time, especially with such an important decision.

If your DH changed his mind because you'd threatened to leave him if he didn't, would you really want to come to a decision in that way?

CheerfulYank · 16/07/2011 10:59

Just saw your last post- you said you did have the discussion before? What did he say then?

And for what it's worth, for everybody saying that she shouldn't be giving him ultimatums, isn't he kind of giving her one?

Georgimama · 16/07/2011 10:59

I discussed whether we were going to have children or not before I went to the church, tbh. I would have thought most people did. And I was younger than you when I got married.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 16/07/2011 11:00

Sorry bliss that people are being nasty. I see this more and more on MN :( It's a shame because it should be a place for support but instead people just rip OPs to pieces.

I am sure that you wouldn't leave your marriage at the drop of a hat (as people are assuming) and it would be a very difficult decision.

You'll probably find that your DH was just a bit shocked that you want another one so soon. You need to talk loads and probably compromise. Of course if he really NEVER wants another child and you do, thats a horrible situation.

VanillaRooibos · 16/07/2011 11:01

Sorry that you are in such a hard situation. What a dilemma? I can't offer any advice but can only empathise. I would have found it very hard if DH didn't want more than 1 as I was an only child and utterly determined that if I could my DS would not be an only.
His reaction seems to be quite surprising though, do you know what this is all about? Why is he so against

thefirstMrsDeVere · 16/07/2011 11:01

bliss stop getting carried away with the drama of having people being mean to you. This isnt netmums. Look at what people are saying to you, lots in a very nice way.

I think most of us understand how desperate you feel for another baby. We are just trying to give you our opinions and the benefit of our experience.

My OH didnt want more kids after the first two. 10 years later we adopted and then 5 & 7 years later we had two more children.

You are 23 - you started 4 years earlier than me. You have loads of time to have more children.

Of course it is totally unreasonable to leave your husband because he is saying he doesnt want children only two years after you both had a baby at 21!

diddl · 16/07/2011 11:03

So what did he say?

He might not have enjoyed being from a big family & might like the idea of lavishing everything on just one.

Or, might not like the idea of going through the newborn stage.

Also, was pregnancy & birth a difficult time?

BibiBelle · 16/07/2011 11:04

I don't see anyone ripping the OP to shreds WhoseGotMyEyebrows

She's asking us to condone splitting up a family with a young child because her husband doesn't share the same views as her on a very serious issue without any discussion/compromise.

She is young, her child is young and she admits her DH is an excellent father.

What would you prefer? We all say 'yes, divorce the utter bastard immediately! How Dare he not won't more kids and NO, don't hang about to have a mature, considered conversation.'

Hmm
Georgimama · 16/07/2011 11:06

People aren't being nasty. She asked the question "am I being unreasonable that I want to leave my husband as he doesn't want any more kids?" and funnily enough quite a few people think that when you already have a child to consider, yes that is unreasonable.

Clearly we should all have said "that's OK hun, of course if big mean nasty man person isn't giving you exactly what you want you and your two year old should run away. It'll be fine! You go girl!"

VanillaRooibos · 16/07/2011 11:06

Ditto to what other posters have said you are only 23! Started 10 years before me! You have LOADS of time and also he may change his mind in time. If you were 37 it might be a different story. But actually you might be able to work together and get to the bottom of why he doesn't want more

hairylights · 16/07/2011 11:08

Yabu. You both need to grow up. You sound like a little girl. If you have to pose this question on a forum yet have never discussed this before getting married then you probably have bigger problems than you realise.

spookshowangel · 16/07/2011 11:08

i think you are all being very sharp and judgy here i assume that if your partners had turned around after one kid and said thats it baby bank closed you would have all been fine with this. because thats what this man has done, not sat done and had a reasoned discussion about it or said look i am really uncomfortable with the idea now can we look at it again in a few years. he has out right said no we will not have any more kids together. you have one isnt that enough. Hmm frankly she is saying no that isnt enough for her she wants more. whether you are all saying she should be happy with what she has or not a lot of women will know how strong the urge to have children is and being denied that by you husband could cause enough discord in the relationship to cause it to break down. as she has said the thought of his complete and utter lack of consideration of her and her feelings in this has caused tension and it will probably only get worse. you need to have a proper talk about this op, dont think you need to worry massively about it right now but in the long term if you do want more children and your husband isnt willing to have them with you then you would be with in your rights to find fulfilment else were.

LoveBeingAbleToNamechange · 16/07/2011 11:09

How much he loves you has nothing to do with how many children he wants, I think that quite immature. As is having the first thing you thing of when he doesn't say what you want, that you would leave.

What if you didn't want more and he reacted like that?

You are 23, just agree to discuss it again in x years.

BibiBelle · 16/07/2011 11:10

spookshowangel can you please use some paragraphs - it's very difficult to read one big blurb all bundled in together Smile

Nobody is being sharp and judgy - she needs to discuss this with her DH before coming onto a forum and asking a bunch of strangers. It's AIBU by stealth here as we don't know her DH's reasons for not wanting more DC.

fastweb · 16/07/2011 11:13

So you would consider making your child the product of a broken home in order to ?protect? him from being an only child ?

That sounds like very odd set of priorities to me.

thefirstMrsDeVere · 16/07/2011 11:13

My OH came from a very large family.
It is why he didnt want children.

He ended up with five Smile

fedupofnamechanging · 16/07/2011 11:13

This is really difficult as it's one of those things where there is just no compromise. If you are sure you want another baby and he is sure he doesn't, then one of you will have to give in. I think it will have to be you, because a baby deserves to be wanted and welcomed by both of its parents. What you will have to weigh up is whether having another child is more important to you than what you already have. Your priority has to be doing the right thing by the child you already have and taking him away from a loving father and splitting up the home is not in your child's best interests.

You are both young and have adjusted to life with a baby you didn't really plan on having and establishing your careers. That's a lot to take on and maybe he feels overwhelmed and doesn't want to take on more than he thinks he can cope with. That's sensible. But, just because he feels that way now it doesn't mean he will always feel that way. You two need to talk and in your position I'd shelve the idea of having a baby soon but tell him that you want to revisit it in, say, 3 years. Make him fully aware that this is something you want to consider seriously for the future and that you expect him to seriously consider it too, once you are both more settled.

If, a little while down the line, you cannot agree, then it might be best to consider your options if you truly cannot live happily without having another child, but in the meantime, don't throw the baby out with the bathwater, as it sounds like you are both making it work at the moment.

Original poster
bliss88 · 16/07/2011 11:14

i love my toddler very very much and i am not bored of him but all my friends and family are having more babies and yes im broody. some women cant have kids no. my mum and dad couldnt well it was my dad so i am infact a testtube baby! and my mum went through great strength to have us! so i no that when i say im not sure i can be with my dh as he doesnt want kids is perhaps not everyone tastes but i have the chance to have more and enjoy more so why shouldnt i be upset about it!

i have had a fantastic fours years with my dh we have travelled the world and yes ds was a happy accident so thats why we hadnt discussed children. whose got my eyebrows you have hit the nail on the head you really understand me. thankoyu for being so lovely!

im sorry if i have offended people on here but i am a young mum looking for advice! yes i may not be getting abused or my partener is having an affair! but we all have our own problems and this is mine as small as it is!

being a nurse i see all sorts of different things and upsetting and happy things and just because of these i should hold back my thoughts and feel guilty in wanted more children.

OP posts:
Georgimama · 16/07/2011 11:16

Would I be fine if DH had said "baby bank closed" (what a nice way to think of one's husband by the way, as some sort of sperm donor - I don't for the record) after one child? If after exploring the reasons in a reasoned discussion I could not shift him, than having given due consideration to the facts

  1. I grew up with divorced parents - would be a cold day in hell before I willingly put my child through that
  2. I love my husband deeply, as does my son
  3. he would have just as much right to determine how many children we had together as I do

then I would indeed, "be fine with this". I would make myself be fine with it, and count myself lucky.

spookshowangel · 16/07/2011 11:18

bibe feel free to ignore my posts if you have problems deciphering them Grin

BibiBelle · 16/07/2011 11:20

Nobody is saying you are bored with your DS.
Nobody is saying this is an isignificant problem and you're not allowed to be upset.

However, could you PLEASE have a calm and reasoned discussion with this man who you claim to love very much and who is, by your admission, a great father before you flounce off out of the marriage.

You asked what to do and the majority of posters are suggesting you discuss this reasonably before giving up on your marriage and leaving your DH. He might change his mind when he realises how strongly you feel about it. Equally YOU might change your mind when you realise how strongly HE feels about it. He has a right to his opinions/desires too and maybe he feels that one son is enough for him.

cilantro · 16/07/2011 11:20

Your DH is still so young. Some men don't even become fathers until their late thirties or become dads again into their 40s and 50s. I would think leaving him for this reason is a bad idea. Having your daughter in a step family situation is really stressful. I hope your husband comes round in the future, I'm sure he will. Maybe you can suggest saving up for a few years for another child. A big age gap could be really nice too because the oldest can help a lot more and look out for the youngest.