Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU that i want to leave my dh as he doesnt want anymore kids

218 replies

bliss88 · 16/07/2011 10:30

i have been with my dh for 4 years now and we are very happy, we had a baby 2 years ago and he is beautiful, Dh is fantastic dad! one evening i started to talk about having more kids and he just snapped at me saying i dont want any more! i was shocked as i thought being brought up in a big family enviroment it would make him want to have a bigger family with me! i said to him that i dont think i can be with someone who doesnt want anymore kids, he then turned it round saying i was using him etc!

i feel so upset that the man i love and who i thought loved me doesnt want anymore children with me!

i really really want more children i dont want my ds brought up an only child! i was brought up in a big family too and i had such amazing times with my brothers and sisters.

i am currently on the coil but i dont want to have it all my life as i want more kids!

What do i do??

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 16/07/2011 14:46

Am very sorry for your loss, bliss. In the light of this, I think now is not the best time for you to be making major life decisions.

AgentZigzag · 16/07/2011 14:50

I'm so sorry to hear about your sister bliss, it must be a very raw time for you at the minute.

Your plan for the future sounds really sensible to me, good luck with your training.

Georgimama · 16/07/2011 15:14

So sorry to hear about your sister bliss, of course you are grieving. Your plan sounds like the best one, especially in view of your recent bereavement - a really hard time to be making massive life changes. Good luck with the rest of your training.

floosiemcwoosie · 16/07/2011 15:38

Enjoy your time with your wee family and come back to this issue later. You are very young and have plenty of time

MeconiumHappens · 16/07/2011 16:16

Did noone pick up on the OP's comment that her husband said that this maybe wasnt the right marriage for them??? Think this runs a bit deeper than babies, perhaps its more about not wanting to add more of a future to the 'wrong' marriage?

pandy1 · 16/07/2011 16:30

sorry, but i have to agree with MeconiumHappens. i have a friend and after they had 1st child (couple of years after their wedding and 10+ years together) when dd was about 2 she wanted second child, but he said no (in the same way) & 2 mths later he left her for another woman... he was loving dad too, and still takes care of dd.

exoticfruits · 16/07/2011 17:00

I'm sorry about your sister-bereavement is no time to make major changes or even talk about them. Your plan sounds fine-also much better to be qualified for the future.
Don't feel attacked-AIBU is always a difficult place to post-you need to be very strong!
I would say that the baby catapulted you into settled family life very early on, while you have taken to it it may well have taken him more adjustment. Loving you and the DC still means that he may be frightened of taking on even more responsibility. As time goes on, and friends settle down with DCs,he will feel the time is right to have more. He might not ofcourse, but I don't know many people of 33yrs who think the same as they did at 23yrs. I have an 8yr gap-it has lots of advantages and they are still good friends.

Poweredbypepsi · 16/07/2011 18:05

I am 27 now and pregnant with dc5, dh is 28. Dc1 was born when I was 20, dc 2 when I was 23. Dh and I didn't really talk about children much before dd1, I was at uni when she was born although dh was working by that point. I think dh found the first year or so harder than I did simply because at 20/21 it was hard to physically make enough money to support the family ( we both believe that me being a sahm is best for us). If you had asked either of us when our daughter was say 18 months if we were having more we would both have said no! And yet less than a year later things had changed so much that we felt in a position to ttc for dc2 and then dc 3 and dc4 later one...ok dc 5 was sort of sprung on us but the others were carefully planned!

My point is at 23 it is very possible that once your older dc starts being more independent and starts nursery/ school full time as well he may change his mind. I think that I have changed alot and grown up alot in the last 6 years and tbh my dh has changed even more - he has gone from being a 20 year old who plays computer games and goes to a job he hates at a call centre to running his own company and dealing with clients etc which I would never have foreseen this time even 5 years ago.

MsPlaced · 16/07/2011 18:46

leave some ! for everyone else.

HerBeX · 16/07/2011 19:00

I don't know why people are so outraged that the OP would consider breaking up her marriage about this. Having (more) kids/ not having (more) kids is a dealbreaker, it's not so outrageous to consider divorcing. Especially given that about 40% of marriages end in divorce now anyway, imagine if the OP got divorced at 40 and had only had one kid to keep her marriage, when she would have had 3 or 4 if she'd had the chance and now won't get that chance again and has no marriage anyway. Why shouldn't she split up her marriage if her and her DH can't come to a happy outcome on this?

I'm not saying she should; her DH mgith change his mind, she might decide she can live with this; but FGS marriage isn't the be all and end all and if the OP is going to live with a lifelong low level unhappiness (I'm not saying she will, just that it's a possibility), then splitting up the marriage so that she can find someone else is perfectly reasonable IMO. Don't give me that crap about it being bad for her current child; outcomes for the children of lone parents are exactly the same as those for all children if you take income out of the equation, as long as the OP can provide financially for her child and doesn't have an acrimonious relationship with her DP, there's absolutely no reason for her child to suffer.

It's a drastic solution and I wouldn't advise it at this stage; but the tone of some of you on here would suggest that divorce is akin to murder.

exoticfruits · 16/07/2011 19:03

PoweredbyPepsi has actually lived what I was trying to explain! The difference between a 23 yr old and a 29yr old is huge.

exoticfruits · 16/07/2011 19:07

I wouldn't even want my 22yr old to get married, never mind have a DC. Give him time! Posters on here wouldn't let their 16 yr old go to Newquay on holiday or babysit and yet less than 6 yrs later they are supposed to deal with a career, a marriage and a family! (and be divorced if they are honest and not ready!)

4madboys · 16/07/2011 20:32

well i had my first at 20 (preg at 19) then another by 21 and am now 32 and have 5, we initially wanted four, then ds1 was such a nightmare baby that for a while we only wanted the one, then once he hit one and turned into a little angel we changed our minds, and went on to have four and then decided that actually one more would be ok! totally done now tho.

op i am very sorry for the loss of your sister :( you must be feeling very fragile and emotional right now.

good luck with your studying and i hope in a few years your dh and yourself can have a good, reasonable discussion with a positive outcome for you both xxx

wish you all the best for the future and well done for coming back and posting so honestly and calmly :) xx

CheerfulYank · 17/07/2011 15:28

Clit I apologize. (I was the one who said that I was adamant about not wanting an only.)

I don't think there's anything wrong with having an only child! It's just not what I would choose. It works marvelously for some people, though. I just personally want more children. There is something very special about it just being the three of us, I have to admit and if I couldn't have more for some reason I would come to terms with that. (And count myself lucky actually, DS is a lovely little boy. :) ) But I'd like to try to have more.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 17/07/2011 15:30

he then actualyl agreed that maybe this isnt the right marriage.

i then said well lets see what happens when i finish my nursing maybe you will change in a few years time and he said im not sure i will

Ah that's really sad bliss!

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 17/07/2011 15:32

Just saw that you lost your sister last week Sad. That's so sad! What happened?

frazzle26 · 17/07/2011 15:54

If your husband is an otherwise decent man and a good father then don't split up with him over this. This may be the sacrifice you have to make to be with him. However, over time he may even change his mind which would be a bonus. Don't end up on your own over this if you love each other and this is the only problem.

FabbyChic · 17/07/2011 15:58

Ive a 23 year old, he has already said he won't have any children until he is at least 30, it's what I always wanted for him, to have a life first.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 17/07/2011 18:17

FabbyChic Some people do consider having children "a life" though.

What about the DH making a sacrifice frazzle? Not sure why so many people on this thread this the sacrifice should only come from bliss.

HerBeX · 17/07/2011 20:30

I don't understand why people are so desperate to be married, that they think they have to make sacrifices to be with someone.

Is being single really that terrifying?

Mouseface · 17/07/2011 21:02

Sad sorry to hear you lost your sister, bliss

Was she poorly? Such a hard time for you right now.

Empusa · 17/07/2011 23:32

"I don't understand why people are so desperate to be married, that they think they have to make sacrifices to be with someone."

I think that in most relationships (marriages or not) there have to be sacrifices. It's just weighing up how important the other person to you is compared to the sacrifices.

It's not necessarily about avoiding being single.

HerBeX · 17/07/2011 23:37

I think sacrificing your reproductive potential when you have a significant chance of divorce anyway, is a pretty big sacrifice though Empusa.

The assumption seems to be that massive sacrifices are necessary to live with someone else.

Why? I thought living with someone else was supposed to be because they enhanced your life and made it better than it would be without them. Why should such an enormous sacrifice be necessary?

Empusa · 17/07/2011 23:40

"I think sacrificing your reproductive potential when you have a significant chance of divorce anyway, is a pretty big sacrifice though Empusa."

I guess it's just different for everyone.

For some people the relationship they already have means more.

HerBeX · 17/07/2011 23:50

Oh yes, it's all down to individual priorities, of course.

But I think women are encouraged to think that the relationship they are currently in, is the most important thing they will ever have and they are encouraged to sacrifice career, hobbies, friends, other family members and potential children for that relationship, in a way men are not. I just think it's important to redress the balance of messages that women get about the overwhelming, all-encompassing importance of the "relayshunship" - a relationship that may last less than a decade in an 80 year lifespan.

Swipe left for the next trending thread