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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU that i want to leave my dh as he doesnt want anymore kids

218 replies

bliss88 · 16/07/2011 10:30

i have been with my dh for 4 years now and we are very happy, we had a baby 2 years ago and he is beautiful, Dh is fantastic dad! one evening i started to talk about having more kids and he just snapped at me saying i dont want any more! i was shocked as i thought being brought up in a big family enviroment it would make him want to have a bigger family with me! i said to him that i dont think i can be with someone who doesnt want anymore kids, he then turned it round saying i was using him etc!

i feel so upset that the man i love and who i thought loved me doesnt want anymore children with me!

i really really want more children i dont want my ds brought up an only child! i was brought up in a big family too and i had such amazing times with my brothers and sisters.

i am currently on the coil but i dont want to have it all my life as i want more kids!

What do i do??

OP posts:
pchip · 18/07/2011 01:12

Is there something wrong with my phone app !?

When I do a search for OPs posts, I'm seeing posts about her DH taking drugs and in January, her posting that DH left her with no warning explanation.

Goodynuff · 18/07/2011 06:34

I saw the same stuff pchip, and more Sad

Al0uiseG · 18/07/2011 06:58

I think she needs to go back to school.

EssentialFattyAcid · 18/07/2011 07:21

Yanbu to be upset over this but I think that if you decide to leave your dh over this you will be prioritising your own needs over the needs of your child.

exoticfruits · 18/07/2011 07:44

I think that it is a question of age-not 'sacrificing'. To leave a marriage for no other reason than a man in his early 20's doesn't want another baby seems hasty-I expect he will change his mind as he get older. I am like someone posting earlier-I would really prefer my DSs not to have DCs before they are 30yrs-definitely not before 27yrs. I would not say so, of course, but I do think they out to live a bit first (I would think the same with DDs except maybe come down to 27yrs in the first place as women mature quicker than men).
Even if they wait 10yrs they are both plenty young enough to have more and a big age gap worked better than a small one in my case.

4madboys · 18/07/2011 08:12

alouis if you had READ the thread you would see that she is already training to be a nurse!!!

exoticfruits · 18/07/2011 08:12

sorry 'ought' not out.

Al0uiseG · 18/07/2011 08:17

If you do a search for her name, she's a bit of a drama queen. My back to school comment was implying that it was the summer holidays and she'd broken up from school. If she ever gets to train as a midwife with that appalling level of spelling and grammar i'll be amazed.

4madboys · 18/07/2011 08:24

its an internet forum i doubt most people type/write on here as they would do for coursework that they were doing and judging by the notes i had in each of my pregnancies not all midwives have what you would call perfect spelling and grammar anyway! the medical proffession isnt renound for its grammar levels, look at most drs notes!

musicposy · 18/07/2011 08:28

Bliss, you are very young and you have loads of time. It probably doesn't feel like you are young for you now, but I have friends in their early 40s still having children.

Interestingly, loads of my friends said they would never have children when they were your age. That includes almost every single one of the blokes. Amusingly, they all have children now, and all but of them has more than one.

Lots of men take a while to come round to children and after having one so young, I understand why he doesn't want to have another just yet, but that's not to say he won't change his mind one day.

Plus, children grow up so fast, I'd stretch it out a bit anyway - enjoy it.

I'd put this all on the back burner for now and enjoy your life and your family. Decide that when you are, say 28 (5 years), you will have this conversation again. I didn't even start thinking of children until then and loads of my friends were 35, so it won't be leaving it too late. Then, if the answer is the same, you can start to think about how important it is to you. But I wouldn't jeopardise a good relationship over this now.

Mouseface · 18/07/2011 09:39

How are you feeling this morning bliss?

knittedbreast · 18/07/2011 10:46

if my boyfriend turned round and said he didnt want anymore children id leave.

im 25, had my two while at uni. id be pretty upset if your dp said that to me. ou should have talked about it before, although my dp and i never have and still wont. If your relationship is like mine im guessing you never considered he wouldnt want more. im sure hel change his mind but if he adamant it might be better you leave rather than hating him later on if you only have the one

Gooseberrybushes · 18/07/2011 10:48

TOTALLY UNREASONABLE

actually I just read your title so just going by that, totally totally unreasonable

MsPlaced · 18/07/2011 10:51

don't people have this conversation before they have any children? You would if you had any sense about you.

Gooseberrybushes · 18/07/2011 10:56

but that would require some maturity and planning, and it's just kids and their futures, why bother with that

SheCutOffTheirTails · 18/07/2011 10:59

Don't be sad, OP

MN is full of bitter women who had fewer children than they wanted because they accepted that women are less important than men and must sacrifice what they want to keep their men happy.

There is no reason why you have to stay in a relationship with a man who won't even discuss major decisions such as how many children to have.

It's not in your son's interests to have an unhappy mother, a bullying father and no siblings.

You are 23. It's easy to end up with the wrong guy if you settle too young.

knittedbreast · 18/07/2011 11:02

not all children are planned, in fact most people i know say their children were not. many people shock! dont have that conversation, they takes things as they come. and adapt and change their lives as children arrive, jobs etc...

that dousnt mean they dont have any sense or maturity

springydaffs · 18/07/2011 11:25

Al0uiseG Mon 18-Jul-11 08:17:07
What a foul post.

Bliss! You';ve had some revolting replies, people have been really horrible and a lot of what has been said has been posturing: using your situation to make a point. People can trot out stuff and not think, or care to think, that a real life human being is behind the OP.

imo the kids thing is a dealbreaker. It sounds like you got pg unexpectedly and went on to get married but never got the chance to have the conversation about how many kids you want!

For the record, I don't think you are selfish or a marriage wrecker to want more children. I don't think you will damage your ds by leaving your husband because he doesn't want more children. I think posters have used your situation to spout theory.

I'm sorry someone has done a search on you (and used it to sneer at you) and I'm just plain sorry that it sounds like things have been tough for you. I would get another username - if you want to post on MN again, which I doubt.

MN (paras ok for everyone?) can be a marvellous place, very loving and kind. I'm sorry you have been in line for some viper action Bliss. AIBU is not the best place to post about a delicate situation.

I'm so sorry to hear about your sister xxx

I wish you all the best Bliss! Use ! as much as you like! People who complain about spelling, punctuation etc are up their arses!

4madboys · 18/07/2011 11:30

i thought bliss had said that they HAD discussed it and her dh has now gone back on what they agreed!

SheCutOffTheirTails · 18/07/2011 11:32

"I think women are encouraged to think that the relationship they are currently in, is the most important thing they will ever have and they are encouraged to sacrifice career, hobbies, friends, other family members and potential children for that relationship, in a way men are not. I just think it's important to redress the balance of messages that women get about the overwhelming, all-encompassing importance of the "relayshunship" - a relationship that may last less than a decade in an 80 year lifespan."

Bang on HerBe, totally agree.

It seems on here that once you have a child by a man that your happiness becomes of no moment and you have to do what is best for "the family" as defined by him.

Bluegrass · 18/07/2011 11:42

To be fair, if a SAHD wanted another child and his DW said no, do you think he'd get much support if he came on here asking if he and his child should leave the marriage and desert DW because he would prefer to keep building a family with another woman who does want kids?

I am just imagining the responses and suspect there would be a lot of "Deleted by Mumsnet" amongst the avalanche of vitriol that idea would provoke!

MsPlaced · 18/07/2011 12:05

I think it means exactly that, knitted, and perhaps its the circles you mix in, it certainly isn't mine. Contraception, planning, having the number of children you intend to, sort of the hallmarks of a grown up sensible relationship I would have thought.

Mouseface · 18/07/2011 12:09

"To be fair, if a SAHD wanted another child and his DW said no, do you think he'd get much support if he came on here asking if he and his child should leave the marriage and desert DW because he would prefer to keep building a family with another woman who does want kids?

I am just imagining the responses and suspect there would be a lot of "Deleted by Mumsnet" amongst the avalanche of vitriol that idea would provoke!"

Exactly Bluegrass - there would be a rush of 'you selfish bastard' posts wouldn't there!

One rule for one, one rule for another.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 18/07/2011 12:11

"having the number of children you intend to"

How can that be the hallmark of a grown up and sensible relationship?

Sensible grown ups know that what you intend, or imagine you might like, with reference to how many children you want doesn't necessarily come to pass.

People change their minds, circumstances intervene, biology has other ideas.

People who have rigid ideas about exactly how their family life is going to and refuse to reconsider their options, discuss changes with their partner, insist on sticking with plans, are not grown up and sensible. They are about as mature as my 3 year old - she too likes rules and nothing to ever change. But she'll grow out of it.

MsPlaced · 18/07/2011 12:16

Changing their minds, together is covered in sensible grown up planning. So does dealing with circumstances and biology.
Quite clearly the point was about at least discussing it in the first place and not just accidentally having children and leaving your husband because you didn't bother to ask how many children he wanted.

But your rant seems unconnected to the actual point, Tails. Not entirely sure why you reverse-engineered an odd objection to a sensible point about acting like a grown up when planning your family. Hmm