AIBU that i want to leave my dh as he doesnt want anymore kids

[bliss88]

i have been with my dh for 4 years now and we are very happy, we had a baby 2 years ago and he is beautiful, Dh is fantastic dad! one evening i started to talk about having more kids and he just snapped at me saying i dont want any more! i was shocked as i thought being brought up in a big family enviroment it would make him want to have a bigger family with me! i said to him that i dont think i can be with someone who doesnt want anymore kids, he then turned it round saying i was using him etc!

i feel so upset that the man i love and who i thought loved me doesnt want anymore children with me!

i really really want more children i dont want my ds brought up an only child! i was brought up in a big family too and i had such amazing times with my brothers and sisters.

i am currently on the coil but i dont want to have it all my life as i want more kids!

What do i do??

[HappyMummyOfOne]

Skeptical - "there is no compromise and one of you has to back down. But for me, by him pushing me to back down on this will lead to a simmering resentment that I think will ultimaltely destroy us." But if he gave in and gave you another child he didnt actually want just to make you happy it would be ok? Its entirely unfair to force somebody to have a child they dont want just - not just on them but also on the child. As for it affecting an only child, there is absolutely no guarantee in life that siblings will be close as children or adults - there are millions of only children in the world who are very happy - you dont need a sibling to be happy.

OP, the conversation re having babies is something that should be done way before getting married not after. You have already had one unplanned child which alone is enough to put stress on a young relationship without stamping your feet as you are not getting your own way. Had you have asked before getting married and getting pregnant then you could have broken things off then if it meant so much to you.

[Takeresponsibility]

I think you are being very wise in finishing your training before thinking about the next step. You have plenty of time in front of you to consider more children.

Nobody has a "right" to children, however all children have a right to parents. Just as you are entitled to an opinion on how many chidren you would like, so is your husband. He has said that he will discuss it further but that he is not promising to have changed his mind. That seems reasonable as long as you both do put this out of your minds for a couple of years, you don't niggle at the subject every time you see a cute baby advert, or an aquaintance announces a pregnancy.

In the long run this is not a subject on which you can agree to differ, one of you has to concede to the other if you wish to stay together. Neither of you has the moral upper hand so it is not for us to say which of you has the stronger case. But have a think about how you would feel if DH says I want one child, and you want more. Neither of us is prepared to change our view so the only option is to separate BUT our son stays with me.

[exoticfruits]

You are both terribly young and there is lots of time. Having a DC is a shock and you suddenly have to grow up-I expect DH now realises quite what a responsibility he has taken on.
I'm surprised that you didn't discuss it fully before you got together.
I wouldn't go issuing ultimatums and breaking up a family that you were perfectly happy with before he made his statement. The grass isn't greener elsewhere-I don't think that many people under 25 are looking to settle down with DCs.
I would give it time-people's views change.

[fastweb]

when DS is an adult and has no siblings

But that can happen anyway, life does not have guarantees. Siblings die and\or become estranged, grow apart, or fall out over who is doing the most heavy lifting when it comes to ill parents\wills etc..

God knows DH having a brother determined to complicate matters when it comes to MILs care has been a massive downside rather than a help. My brother made my mother homeless by stealing her home and leaving my sister and I to pick up the pieces of that and his abandonment of his wife and two kids.

I wouldn't be without my sister (can't say the same of my brother), my husband would have been a thousand times better off had he been an only. It's like playing roulette this sibling thing.

So I don't really see the potential downside of being an only (and ignoring the potential upside) as any more valid or "less pathetic" than concerns about bickering and in fighting. It is all to do with perception rather than one being right and the other making excuses.

[AlpinePony]

If you remove your coil without telling him, he will assume you deliberately became pregnant with the first too. He will leave.

[Skeptical]

Just wrote a long reply that got lost Arrghh!

Anyway, basically the gist of it was. When DH was asked by my Grandad whether he would have been happy to be an only, he said no he would have been unhappy. So it is OK for our DS to be an only, but DH would have been unhappy to be one himself? This is why I think he is being selfish, and his reasons for not having more (the bickering) really aren't enough to (potentially) make our DS unhappy.

If DH turned around and said "but I really think DS will be happy without siblings" then I would think he was being reasonable. But he will never say that because I know deep down he doesn't think that. So yes I think he is being less than the man I thought I married.

[PeachesandStrawberry]

YANBU.

I have sympathy for you. I would be very upset if DP said no more after DS.

I would talk to him about it and tell him how you are feeling. He should really discuss it with you first and not snap at you about it.

Find out exactly what he means when he doesn't want any more, whether it's not now or ever.

Tell him as it is he who doesn't want any more children, he will have to take responsibility for contraception. Don't remove your coil until after you have told him that though.

Ignore anyone who has been mean to you on here.

I hope this helps and good luck.

[Xales]

You need to stop and take a long hard look at things. You sound quite young and childish. You want so you are having and stamping your foot.

You have found it hard as a young mum.

Your DH has at the young age of 23 supported you for the last 2 years while you stay at home with your child while he is a baby and studied/trained to be a nurse in the future. I don't know the ins and outs of your marriage but that sounds like a decent bloke at that age!

You have aired the thought of taking the coil out and presenting him with a done deal.

You have thought about separating from him just to find another man who you can have another child with. Are you going to hang around until you find another man who will be a great dad to your current child or leave him and be a single parent until then? Or don't you care how good a new parent will be with your existing child?

Your child and their relationship with their father is not as important as what you want. Will you tell him when he is older that you didn't consider him having his father properly in his life was more important than you having more children because that is what you wanted.

He may well change his mind or he may never change his mind. At 23 you have plenty of time to talk and discuss this conversation with your H with out making rash decisions or threats.

[spookshowangel]

is this the new thing? daring people to report posts. well if you dont like it report it huh huh huh!!!!! people can disagree with other posters opinions and find them to be unpleasant or overly harsh where as other people will think its just forth right and to the point why would you report something like that?

[AgentZigzag]

It's not daring people to report posts spooks, but you're as entitled to say you find them overly harsh as the poster is to say what their opinion is.

Nobody's attacked the OP, and that to me is one benchmark of overstepping a line on MN, otherwise posters can say what they please.

[HeyYouJimmy]

No one is saying you should feel guilty for wanting more kids OP. No one is attacking you either, they're merely trying to help you see different consequences to what you may be proposing.

What would you do if he told you he'd decided to go for a vasectomy to be sure he didn't father any more kids? That would tell me that he's serious about not having any more. Could you live with that or would it be a deal breaker?

BTW, I agree with the fact that your DH has no right to stop you having kids, BUT at the same time, you have no right to force him to have any more.

Hope you both discuss this and work it out some way or other.

[Pagwatch]

Spooks.

The daring and the huh huh huh all exist very firmly in your imagination. I am not quite sure why you turned what I posted into something goading and school age. Very odd.

If you think a post is offensive then you should report. Both as a method of supporting the 'target' of the post and to stop the thread becoming a tedious 'you are all mean'
'no we are not
'yes you are'

[maryellenwalton]

I would have been devastated if my DH had said no to a second child.

And as someone else said, it would change my idea of him forevermore. And I think beyond a doubt it would sour our marriage.

I wouldn't ever have got pregnant 'by accident' or given him an ultimatum, as there could be nothing worse imo than bringing a child into the world that isn't wanted and cherished by both parents.

But he wouldn't be the person I'd fallen in love with if he unilaterally issued a diktat that there would be no more children

[TandB]

OP, I wonder if your approach to this issue with your DH is at all similar to they way you have responded on this thread? You do seem inclined to go off the deep end a bit.

You are very young and quite possibly have years and years of marriage ahead of you. Why not leave it alone for a while and re-visit it in a couple of years? It isn't very reasoned and mature to jump straight from "everything is great" to "I am leaving you because you don't want more kids".

He doesn't want more kids now. If he still doesn't want them in a couple of years then you might need to start thinking a bit harder about things - or possibly talking a bit more openly about this issue.

But there is no point asking for advice and then having a massive flounce when people give you the benefit of their experiences, just because it isn't what you want to hear right now. No-one on MN can make this problem go away. Even if everyone agreed that your DH is unreasonable, he is a little unlikely to say "Good point, Mumsnet. Let's make babies right now". People are advising you on the way forward, not just stroking your head and saying "there there". Surely that is better?

[wtfdoido]

I do agree with whoever said that you should make him take responsibility for the contraception. If he is the one saying no then he should be the one making sure that it doesnt happen. Also, by making him sort out the contraception (it would have to be condoms, he wouldnt get referred for a vasectomy at his age), you are making him consider it rather than just saying "no" and not giving it another thought.

It really isnt fair that you should be the one to make sure you dont get pg when it is his decision. If you did have a genuine accident and the coil failed or came out, it has been known to happen, then he could blame you for doing it on purpose. He shouldnt be putting you under that pressure, so I would be refusing to have anything to do with contraception from now on.

And I can see why you are considering whether your marriage is sustainable long term. To some women the urge for a child is overwhelming and they know that the refusal on the part of their DH to have that child would destroy the marriage anyway, so they move on to find a man who sees things the same way they do. I dont think it unreasonable to consider ending a marriage when the couple are so opposed to each other on such an important and basic issue. If they cant agree then perhaps it would be better for him to be with someone who doesnt want children, and for her to be with someone who does? Why have one unhappy marriage if you can have 2 happy ones?

I would wait until you have finished your training and then broach it again, and perhaps suggest Relate type counselling if you cant come to agreement, and then and only then, would it be time to split up.

[clit]

i dont want my ds brought up an only child!

I am also adamant about not wanting an only child.

I was an only child and utterly determined that if I could my DS would not be an only

I can't bear the thought of having on only child

Leetle bit of tact please for those with one child

[worraliberty]

To be fair clit that post has only mentioned themselves and their own experience/opinion.

If they'd slated only children or their parents, I'd agree with you.

[VanillaRooibos]

clit - As worra has said didn't question anyone else's decisions or choices forced or otherwise not to have more than 1. I'm only speaking as my own experience as an only child, and I didn't enjoy it and therefore wanted my DS to have a sibling and the context I was empathising with the OP not wanting her DS to be an only child

[exoticfruits]

Speaking as someone who has DCs of 23 yrs I should think that it is a daunting responsibility to have one DC at that age, by accident, and I can quite see why he isn't ready. You have lots of time-I would just relax and wait. He is quite probably going to change his mind. My DS couldn't afford to support a family-I expect that is one of his worries. I bet he has friends who are just managing to support themselves, without being able to save, or who are having a year off travelling.

[MerylStrop]

Er, you should probably have had this conversation a few years ago

If you love your child and you love your DH, you would be foolish to risk their happiness - and indeed your own - for the IDEA of more children.

You should sit down and talk about it. He may change his mind in time. You need to quit the ultimatums though or you will do a lot of damage.

BTW I am an only child and had an exceptionally happy childhood.

[MerylStrop]

Just seen how old you are.
I think your DH is probably not saying he never wants more children, just maybe not yet.
I think you should think about all the great positives about your relationship, enjoy the child you have give it time

[Claw3]

I think it would be quite difficult to decide how many children you want prior to getting married. Things change along the way.

[Ephiny]

I am also amazed that you didn't talk about this before getting married. Obviously people can change their minds, nothing is set in stone, but surely it's a good idea to talk about how you both feel about such things in general, rather than just assuming that because he grew up in a big family he must automatically want several children (I find that a very odd assumption actually, it's not as though he chose to have lots of siblings so it doesn't tell you anything about his preferences).

It's your decision whether this is worth ending a marriage and splitting up your existing family over. Personally I think you should be grateful for what you've got and accept that you can't always have your own way in everything.

Anyway, if you're both still in your early 20s, he may well feel differently in the future. Many men of that age are not ready to contemplate having even one child (or indeed getting married) for another 10 years, never mind agreeing to settling down and producing a whole brood. Maybe he wants to live a bit and enjoy being young!

[downpipe]

I've just read all the comments on here..can't believe how unkind some of you have been eg"it's not as if you don't have children at all FFS!"What were you all doing when you were 23?I certainly wasn't mature enough to have been married with a 2 year old.Bliss, totally understand your need to have more than 1 and your disappointment with DH that he doesn't.And at 23,having obviously conceived easily, why shouldn't you expect to have more than 1?Sounds like your DH loves being a dad, and sounds like you do have a happy marriage,but him not wanting more kids doesn't mean he doesn't love you.. men can be funny about children and sometimes put off even having one until they are financially secure, can provide etc. even when they are with the right partner.If you are young and things have been tight financially he may just want to wait until he has more children,and you do have time on your side.23 is early these days to have a child and I'm assuming DH is in his 20's too.Men also have made sacrifices to become husbands and fathers and even though it is the most amazing thing in the world he has missed out on the few years most men have before they take the plunge.When your DS is a bit older and starts asking for a brother or siste DH might be in a better place to reconsider more kids.I do feel for you, especially if you are desperate for another baby, but I think talking it through with your DH is a good idea and you might feel a bit better about the whole thing.

[bliss88]

thankyou for all the advice! i didnt mean that only children had unhappy childhoods i really hope that you didnt. i have been away and thought about it! i am going to carry on with my nursing and wait untill after i am a qualified midwife.
you are right i have alot of time to have more children! my dh is very understanding i hope one day he will see the way i see if he still doesnt in say 5/6 years time then yes i wil have to really think about what is best for all of us! i have never used mums net untilthe last few days and i didnt really realise that AIBU was the wrong subject for this matter.

i dont want to leave my husband i was just asking and i probably put in the wrong way that is is wrong of me to feel different about him now i dont love him more or less there is just something there maybe resentment.....

my pregnancy was fab i had a four hour labour and no pain killers. yes we we were only 21 and finacially not good back then but now we have progressed so maybe hes just frightened as the 1st pregnancy finacially and a massive shock was to him.


thankyou ladies it has led me down the right path i am grateful for what i have. last week i lost my sister and i feel maybe thats why i want more kids. i guess i maybe am just greiveing!

thankyou x