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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to expect to sit with my husband at the top table at my stepsons wedding ??

412 replies

madmn52 · 09/07/2011 21:58

Message from MNHQ: AWOOOOGA!! This thread has recently been reactivated but please be aware that it was started YEARS AND YEARS ago.

I dont know where I will be sat but certain things have been said that imply that I may not be and his ex-wife - the grooms mum will be. I have asked and asked my DH to ask about my seating arrangement and as usual he is avoiding it - as I think he knows I will kick off if I am sat at one of the lower troughs at the back of the room. My point is that while I accept fully that the grooms mum should be at the top table - I think as my DH will be sat there then so should I and exWs partner for that matter - I am not sure on the etiquette here but I wouldnt have thought a DH and his wife should be separated. The wedding is at end of September and I just wish my DH would ask then I will know if I have anything to be worried about. I just think leaving it to chance is asking for problems /atmosphere on the day. Not that I would spoil their big day - definitely not but I wouldnt be happy put it that way. My DH doesnt want me to ask - he wants me to leave it to him in case any of you were going to suggest I just ask myself.

OP posts:
Annunziata · 09/07/2011 21:59

YABU unless you are very close to your SS.

worraliberty · 09/07/2011 22:00

Why don't you ask your stepson? Confused

ENormaSnob · 09/07/2011 22:00

Yabvu

HelloKlitty · 09/07/2011 22:01

It's not YOUR wedding. It's not YOUR place to dictate the seating arrangements.

DuelingFanjo · 09/07/2011 22:01

does your stepson like you?

diggingintheribs · 09/07/2011 22:01

It's up to SS

At our wedding DH did not want his parents partners at the top table. his mum sat with my dad and his dad with my mum

his day and it isn't a huge part of the meal. Also, can end up making the top table a bit unwieldy

BoysAreLikeDogs · 09/07/2011 22:01

gosh I would stay out of it if I were you

the ex wife is the grooms mother, so surely she should sit on the Top Table

if you want to know why not ask the bride

wahwahwah · 09/07/2011 22:01

I think it is generally the mum and dad (unless one is not attending then the step-parent) at the top table. Please don't give the bride and groom a hard time!

EightiesChick · 09/07/2011 22:02

No, in my experience only actual parents sit on the top table. Sorry but YABU. You shouldn't get stuck at the very back though. Don't push it, be gracious and accept it.

pudding25 · 09/07/2011 22:02

I think you should definitely be sat at the top table with your DH-as should the partner of your DH's ex. That is the situation at weddings I have been too where the bride/groom has a similar situation.

thisisyesterday · 09/07/2011 22:02

yabu!

he will want his parents there. you are not his parent.

it is his wedding and he can have whoever he wants sat at the top table. they may be limited to space, he may not want extra people there, he may just simply want only his mum and dad.

please don't spoil his day by making a fuss over where you're sitting. does it really matter? i am sure you will have plenty of peiople to talk to and can still have a nice time even if you aren't sitting right next to your husband for the duration of a meal

Flyonthewindscreen · 09/07/2011 22:02

YANBU to want to know where you will be sitting so you are prepared to take your place in a dignified and cheerful fashion where ever that might be, YABU to stipulate what the seating plan at someone else's wedding should be.

EndaHoran · 09/07/2011 22:02

yabu

exoticfruits · 09/07/2011 22:02

I wouldn't have thought it was anything about parters just the fact that the groom wants his parents. It is always going to be tricky, best to just 'go with the flow'-does it really matter?

hermionestranger · 09/07/2011 22:02

At my wedding we had my DH's Mum and Dad at the top table and their new partners at different tables. The top table is for the parents of the bride and groom, the bride and groom, best man and maid of honour only.

Tryharder · 09/07/2011 22:03

I don't think you are being unreasonable. How long have you been married? Perhaps if you were a girlfriend, I wouldn't expect you to be seated with your DH but as a married couple, I would expect you to be seated with your DH. I have never heard of a wedding or indeed any occasion where couples would be seated separately.

Loupee · 09/07/2011 22:03

Think about the logistics, if each of the couples parents have split and remarried that would be 10 at the top table before anyone else ie bridesmaids.
YABU its up to them to decide who sits at the top table.

MrsDaffodill · 09/07/2011 22:03

YABU, sorry. I say this as a step-daughter. It is VERY hard planning a wedding with various step partners around. We got round it by having no parents at the top table, but it was very tricky. Please try not to make an issue of it and be gracious whatever happens.

MadEyeMoodTEE2072 · 09/07/2011 22:04

This is why I didn't have a top table, even though one of my step-parents didn't even come to my wedding.

We had a sweetheart table of just myself and my husband because my mother kicked off about the top table.

It's not up to you. It's not your wedding.

MissBeehiving · 09/07/2011 22:04

YABU.

It's not YOUR day. Stop being so me, me ME.

DoNotTakeMeSiriusly · 09/07/2011 22:04

I'm thinking if you dont have a close enough relationship to ask your stepson yourself then you don't have a close enough relationship to warrant a seat at top table.

If this is the case and it's just you wanting to sit with your DH (understandable) I think you need to suck it up, he will want his parents with him, celebrating his day.

If you have helped bring him up from a young boy and had a close relationship then it would not be unreasonable to expect a seat at his top table.

RandomMess · 09/07/2011 22:04

Yes you should be sat together but not nec at the top table, if you don't know anyone else then ask your stepson if you and dh can sit together but that you understand that it may not be at the top table.

Much more fun down at the troughs anyway.

mumblebum · 09/07/2011 22:04

YABU traditionally the grooms mother sits with the brides father and the brides mother with the grooms father. I doubt most venues would have room to accomodate up to 4 step parents on the top table too! At our wedding I made sure that my Dad's wife was sat with members of Dad's family that she knew well and got on with. There just wasn't any obvious place for her to sit at the top table.

whattodoo · 09/07/2011 22:04

I understood that the etiquette is that the parents of the groom (and bride for that matter) sit at top table, along with best man and bridesmaids.

Partners of best man and bridesmaids wouldn't ordinarily be a top table, a considerate bride and groom will ensure that everyone is sitting with people they either already know or that they feel will get on well with.

I don't think its anything to get worked up about. there should be no need to feel that there is 'anything to worry about'. Nor should there be any problems/atmosphere on the day. Be glad to be at the wedding and enjoying the bride and groom's special day.

Tillyscoutsmum · 09/07/2011 22:04

OK. The "official" wedding etiquette here is that the top table includes the Bride, Groom, Brides'father & mother, Groom's father and mother, Chief bridesmaid (or Matron on Honour if there is one) and Best Man. So, on that basis, you wouldn't be seated at the top table.

The tables nearest the top table should be for close family and you should be seated at those.

YABU to "expect" anything. It is their wedding and if you were sitting at a different table - it would only be for a couple of hours of the wedding day. Would it really be worth kicking off over ??

Having said that, when DH and I married, we both had divorced and remarried parents and felt that a top table would be ridiculous for us because we wouldn't want married couples to sit separately and having everyone on there would be silly.