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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect to sit with my husband at the top table at my stepsons wedding ??

412 replies

madmn52 · 09/07/2011 21:58

Message from MNHQ: AWOOOOGA!! This thread has recently been reactivated but please be aware that it was started YEARS AND YEARS ago.

I dont know where I will be sat but certain things have been said that imply that I may not be and his ex-wife - the grooms mum will be. I have asked and asked my DH to ask about my seating arrangement and as usual he is avoiding it - as I think he knows I will kick off if I am sat at one of the lower troughs at the back of the room. My point is that while I accept fully that the grooms mum should be at the top table - I think as my DH will be sat there then so should I and exWs partner for that matter - I am not sure on the etiquette here but I wouldnt have thought a DH and his wife should be separated. The wedding is at end of September and I just wish my DH would ask then I will know if I have anything to be worried about. I just think leaving it to chance is asking for problems /atmosphere on the day. Not that I would spoil their big day - definitely not but I wouldnt be happy put it that way. My DH doesnt want me to ask - he wants me to leave it to him in case any of you were going to suggest I just ask myself.

OP posts:

realhousewifeofdevoncounty · 09/07/2011 22:14

YABU. There will already be 2 sets of parents at the top table, the bride's and the groom's - plus the best man, bridesmaids etc, so there wouldn't be room for step-parents. I can't see why you are being so precious about it. Sit where you are seated. Don't "kick off", that is very immature IMO.

VelvetSnow · 09/07/2011 22:14

etiquettely ok to separate a husband and wife...

of course it bloody well is, do bridesmaids have their partners sitting next to them at top tables - will the best man have his wife sat beside him?

And maybe if you're considered nana, as a gesture, maybe you could offer to help with the children during the meal so that, bride and groom and your DH and his exW can concentrate on the day?

whattodoo · 09/07/2011 22:15

Why can't you decide now to 'suck it up'? Surely that's the mature way to behave. Rather than creating a situation out of nothing, which you surely don't want your ss and his bride to have to deal with, do you?
I honestly can't see the big deal here.

Your DH will not be seated next to his ex, if that's the concern.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 09/07/2011 22:15

:o I am so looking forward to the response to that suggestion VelvetSnow :o

Al0uiseG · 09/07/2011 22:16

Step parents are as useful at a wedding as a condom in the Vatican. Just stay out of it. I quite like my step parents but they had as much importance at my wedding as a friend if the family.

Annunziata · 09/07/2011 22:16

Presumably the children won't be at the top table either, so you would be sitting with them?

If you must ask, ask as soon as possible.

ENormaSnob · 09/07/2011 22:16

Ya both bu then.

Tillyscoutsmum · 09/07/2011 22:16

Please Please don't let his be such an issue. It is an important day. To your DH. To your SS and his wife (who you claim to be close to) and presumably to you. Its a small part of the day. You and your DH will be together throughout the ceremony, the photos, the evening reception and at the end of the night. Its a couple of hours and the chances are you will be seating at a table very close to him where you can see each other. Its really NOT a big deal. For everyone's sake - please don't make it one

activate · 09/07/2011 22:17

YABU - it's not your place in wedding etiquette to be top table

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 09/07/2011 22:17

YABVU to make this an issue. If you're seated separately, it'll just be for the meal. Not a big deal for adults, surely?

crazykat · 09/07/2011 22:17

We had this problem at our wedding. DH's parents are divorced both with new long-term partners (mum married dad not, not that it really matters).

DH's stepdad is great with our kids and SIL's kids, his dad ignores our kids but spoils SIL's kids, never really been a great dad. I've only met his dad and his partner a few times in the five years we've been together. Anyway we were going to just have DH's parents on the top table but we wanted his stepdad there as well as he is more of a dad to DH than his real dad. So to save arguments we ended up with us, best man, maid of honor, my parents, DH's parents and their partners (though we would've preferred not to hve his dad and partner there at all for so many reasons).

Basically what I'm trying to say is that it is do-able to have stepparents at the top table but it's really up to the bride and groom as to what they decide to do as it's their day and is up to them what they do.

We did have to split SIL and BIL though as BIL was best man so at top table, but SIL was happy with this as Dnieces were bridesmaids and she sat with them as one was young and needed help with the meal. Would have been a nightmare to have them all at the top table!

Hatesponge · 09/07/2011 22:19

YABU. It's their day, not your DH's or yours. You go along, you sit where you're placed and (if it's not where you would want to be sat) you suck it up.

I'm not sure I get why it's such a big deal, the meal goes on for what 2 hours tops? Soon as it's finished imo everyone gets up and moves around anyway.

BoysAreLikeDogs · 09/07/2011 22:19

sorry but a cruel larf at OP being considered a nana

VelvetSnow · 09/07/2011 22:20

Gwendoline

OP - may I ask if you have a good relationship with the exW? It has nothing to do with this post, but my instincts are telling me that there may be trust issues with you and DH?

fgaaagh · 09/07/2011 22:21

"It's their day, not your DH's or yours. You go along, you sit where you're placed and (if it's not where you would want to be sat) you suck it up."

A nice concise summary, really!

There's no such thing about wanting to know if you need to make a big deal of it now, or later when you're told. You shouldn't be making a big deal about it either way!

exoticfruits · 09/07/2011 22:22

Just make things easy for the couple. You would have to be very insecure if you let it bother you.

crazykat · 09/07/2011 22:23

Even if you were the mother of the groom and not his stepmother you wouldn't be say next to your DH at the top table anyway as traditionally the mother of the groom sits between the father of the bride and maid of honor on the bride's 'side' of the table, and the father of the groom between the mother of the bride and best man on the groom's 'side' of the table.

feckwit · 09/07/2011 22:23

If you were both the parents you wouldn't be together, he'd be by the bride's mum and you by the bride's dad...

squeakytoy · 09/07/2011 22:24

but is that because its etiquettly ( sorry pedants ) ok to seperate a husband and wife

Which bit of "parents of the bride or groom" are you missing... .. you are not a parent.

Etiquette says that the bride or grooms parents sit at the top table.. etiquette does not take into account modern relationships where parents have divorced and remarried, well it does actually, and there is no place for you at that table.

You can sit and talk to the ex wifes husband during the meal. :)

MorallyBankrupt · 09/07/2011 22:25

Sigh I've lost the will for nonsense.

If he wanted you on the top table he would have asked you. He doesn't. It's his day. Get the bloody hint.

worraliberty · 09/07/2011 22:26

I am very close to and extremely fond of my ss btw and am considered as a Nana to his young children

But not close enough to ask him a simple question?

HerHissyness · 09/07/2011 22:27

TBH, as a step parent, it's an honour to be invited at all. You don't need to be there, you are a guest.

YABU

troisgarcons · 09/07/2011 22:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

maypole1 · 09/07/2011 22:28

As a parent married to a man who is my sons step dad I would be very hurt if my oh was not at the top table seeing as his birth father sees him once a year if he's lucky
And has never paid a dime my oh dose everything a dad should do including get PR for him he has done everything legally shy of adoption for my son and to have my ex at the top table well it would be awful

I think it really depends if your one of these nm who dosent really get on with the ss and has deep down resented them or you got involved on the back of an affair then he'll no you should be sat by the loo but if you have brought him up then I could see how it would hurt

fgaaagh · 09/07/2011 22:28

"But not close enough to ask him a simple question?"

worraliberty, I suspect the OP's partner knows exactly how she'll deal with this - not well! "kicking off", "making a deal of it", and so on.

Speaks volumes!

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