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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to expect to sit with my husband at the top table at my stepsons wedding ??

412 replies

madmn52 · 09/07/2011 21:58

Message from MNHQ: AWOOOOGA!! This thread has recently been reactivated but please be aware that it was started YEARS AND YEARS ago.

I dont know where I will be sat but certain things have been said that imply that I may not be and his ex-wife - the grooms mum will be. I have asked and asked my DH to ask about my seating arrangement and as usual he is avoiding it - as I think he knows I will kick off if I am sat at one of the lower troughs at the back of the room. My point is that while I accept fully that the grooms mum should be at the top table - I think as my DH will be sat there then so should I and exWs partner for that matter - I am not sure on the etiquette here but I wouldnt have thought a DH and his wife should be separated. The wedding is at end of September and I just wish my DH would ask then I will know if I have anything to be worried about. I just think leaving it to chance is asking for problems /atmosphere on the day. Not that I would spoil their big day - definitely not but I wouldnt be happy put it that way. My DH doesnt want me to ask - he wants me to leave it to him in case any of you were going to suggest I just ask myself.

OP posts:
celadon · 09/07/2011 22:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BimboNo5 · 09/07/2011 22:46

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 09/07/2011 22:50

Do you think she's got it yet? :o

twooter · 09/07/2011 22:50

Signet, it may be worth thinking about not having a seating plan. I've only been to one without, and it ended up being quite a pain. Loads of jossling for seats, then shuffling around so people could be with their partners, and I ended up completely away from anyone I knew, despite having driven for hours to be there, and it being potentially a greAt time to catch up with old friends. Far better IMO to at least check that everyone has at least a coupleof people they know to talk to.

Original poster
madmn52 · 09/07/2011 22:52

Yes whoever asked me - my ss does like me very much and tells everyone who'll listen that he thinks I'm great and doesnt know how I put up with his dad etc etc. I did make a point of saying I dont know the etiquette here. Now I do so thanks to whoever explained that. I honestly had no idea and just presumed a husband and wife sat together. Genuine misconception on my part.

I did make a point of saying that I fully accept the grooms mum should be sat there and because of my misconception even that her partner should be also if I am IYSWIM. So it is not a case of me thinking I should be sat there instead of the grooms mum - absolutely not what I was getting at. I think my main issue is not knowing where I will be sat and this could be resolved by one simple reasonable question. My DH is very wound up about it - he is going to find the day really difficult for reasons I wont go into on here.

My main problem with it is that my DH will be very very unhappy about it which obviously affects me. He has major issues with his ex/wifes lack of support for the family which he feels I take on a lot of. So he hates anything which as he sees it marginalises me in the family. She actually used to walk into our home unannounced till he tore her off a strip about it - and no there are no children of hers living here or any reason why she should be able to do that. He says she is just very arrogant and has a terrible sense of entitlement.

The last time he and his son had a disagreement they didnt speak for months - nothing to do with me - it was about his bride to be - and it was an awful time - every day broke my DHs heart. I dont want it all to start again. At least if its me that makes a fuss it wont turn into another bust up between father and son. I am very worried which is why I posted as one of reasons my DH is avoiding asking is he is totally convinced that we will be of course sat together. From what most of you have said that will probably not be the case.

OP posts:
EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 09/07/2011 22:53

The biggest top table I've seen was

Bride, groom, mother of bride and current DH, former step father of bride and his partner, father of bride and DW, 4 bridesmaids, best man, father of groom and wife, mother of groom and partner. And random granny Grin

It's much easier to stick to parents only from a seating plan point of view.

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 09/07/2011 22:56

He needs to get over it. It's great that he's being protective, but as long as his ex's partner is not at the top table you have been treated equally, and he needs to deal with it and not ruin the wedding over it.

Mare11bp · 09/07/2011 22:56

Ok OP has explained more and as it's a misunderstanding regarding etiquette perhaps YANBU.

Sounds like it will be a stressful day. I would hit the booze early.

BernadetteRostenkowski · 09/07/2011 22:58

EvenLess That''s about 18 people, that's a massive top table - where was this wedding? Wembley Arena?

GwendolineMaryLacey · 09/07/2011 22:58

I still don't understand why your DH has his knickers in a knot. He won't be sitting with his ex wife, he'll be sitting next to the bride's mother. He doesn't have to say a word to his ex, he'll be nowhere near her.

He's going to have to grow up a bit and get over whatever problems he has for the sake of his son. Otherwise it could really bite him on the arse.

whattodoo · 09/07/2011 23:01

It still sounds very strange for this to be such a major worry for you and your DH months ahead of the wedding.
but it doesn't sound as though the family has quite a history of sensitivities.
Rather than asking your SS about the seating and then deciding whether or not to make a fuss about it - instead offer him and his bride a solution.
Why not suggest to him that as his DF and yourself would really like to enjoy the day together, perhaps the pair of you could 'host' one of the table with other close family members (grandparents, aunties, siblings etc). that gives you a role of importance and status, at the same time as allowing you to sit with your DH.

Or is it more important that your status is recognised by means of a seat at the top table?

BimboNo5 · 09/07/2011 23:02

Its his sons big day- he needs to grow the fuck up and get on with it for the short amount of time it will last. We all have to do things we'd rather not for the sake of others we love.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 09/07/2011 23:05

Is the groom's mother a self-obsessed PITA as well? If so I feel sorry for the groom, the bride and the bride's side of the family.

divorcedrama37 · 09/07/2011 23:06

typical second wife view trying to dictate the order of things, its not your kid. let him pan the seating at the wedding and accept you arent the parent, you'll ber eating for an hour at most, is it so hard, you got to marry his father didnt you, what else do you want?

Original poster
madmn52 · 09/07/2011 23:06

There is a big difference in asking to know where you will be sat and demanding and dictating (as some of you have said) where you will be sat.

Also I do not get seperation anxiety when I cant see my DH. We go on seperate holidays go out seperately on a regular basis etc etc. It really isnt about this.

Whoever asked yes I am financing this wedding on a loan arrangement to my ss whom I trust implicitly to repay me - to avoid him having to repay ridiculous amounts of money on a bank loan - which he had difficulty getting anyway. I got some money left to me recently and treated my children stepchildren and grandchildren. I just treated him to some more on top of which part he will repay.

OP posts:
PotteringAlong · 09/07/2011 23:06

YABU and your DH is being unreasonable.

How will not sitting next to you for dinner spoil his day? It's a (max) 2 hours out of the whole shebang. Has he never enjoyed a meal apart from you before?! I think he needs to grow up a little bit here...

PotteringAlong · 09/07/2011 23:08

Ooh, cross post there.

If it's not about being separated from your DH or about your status in the family then what is it about?

Signet2012 · 09/07/2011 23:09

twooter - Your not the first to say this - might have to a rethink :)

LadyFlumpalot good to see Im not alone in my why cant people just be normal approach! Wink

divorcedrama37 · 09/07/2011 23:10

always gona be an issue when you marry a guy who has been married before, just a thought, find a guy of your own?

worraliberty · 09/07/2011 23:10

I think my main issue is not knowing where I will be sat and this could be resolved by one simple reasonable question

So bloody ask it then.

You're so close to your SS that you're considered his child's 'Nana'

So why nag your DH to ask, you've got a voice haven't you?

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 09/07/2011 23:11

Bernadette it had long banquet style benches laid out like this. I hurt my neck twisting roung for the speeches.

T
O
P
T
A
B
L
E

Maryz · 09/07/2011 23:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

iscream · 09/07/2011 23:13

It is traditional for the bio parents to be at the head table and their spouses in the case of re marriage, to be at tables near the head table. And even if it were not a parent situation, let's say your dh was a best man, spouses do not sit at the head table with them. So yes, spouses are seated elsewhere.
You can ask who you will be sitting with, and where, nothing wrong with knowing ahead of time.
Once the meal is over your dh will be free to be with you.
Now stop fussing over this, the main goal is their wedding, I am sure you and your dh can bear to sit with people you may not like for one evening.

PirateDinosaur · 09/07/2011 23:14

There is a big difference in asking to know where you will be sat and demanding and dictating where you will be sat, yes. But your OP said "he knows I will kick off if I am sat at one of the lower troughs at the back of the room" which sounds as though you are veering rather more towards the demanding/dictating end of the spectrum.

Even of the couples traditionally seated on the top table, it's only the bride and groom who get to sit together -- the other couples are split up.

cory · 09/07/2011 23:18

Your dh sounds a bit odd, OP, if he cannot sit through a dinner party without holding onto his wife. Separation of husband and wife (apart from the newlyweds at a wedding) is the etiquette for all formal dinner parties; it would be the same whatever kind of formal party he was invited to and has nothing to do with stepmother/stepfather or any kind of slight on anyone. If formal etiquette is followed he won't get to sit next to his ex either.