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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to expect to sit with my husband at the top table at my stepsons wedding ??

412 replies

madmn52 · 09/07/2011 21:58

Message from MNHQ: AWOOOOGA!! This thread has recently been reactivated but please be aware that it was started YEARS AND YEARS ago.

I dont know where I will be sat but certain things have been said that imply that I may not be and his ex-wife - the grooms mum will be. I have asked and asked my DH to ask about my seating arrangement and as usual he is avoiding it - as I think he knows I will kick off if I am sat at one of the lower troughs at the back of the room. My point is that while I accept fully that the grooms mum should be at the top table - I think as my DH will be sat there then so should I and exWs partner for that matter - I am not sure on the etiquette here but I wouldnt have thought a DH and his wife should be separated. The wedding is at end of September and I just wish my DH would ask then I will know if I have anything to be worried about. I just think leaving it to chance is asking for problems /atmosphere on the day. Not that I would spoil their big day - definitely not but I wouldnt be happy put it that way. My DH doesnt want me to ask - he wants me to leave it to him in case any of you were going to suggest I just ask myself.

OP posts:
ToothbrushThief · 09/07/2011 22:29

YABVU
It's your stepson's big day. NOT yours. Back out and make it easy on everyone. Your status in his life from now on will possibly depend on... not where you sit but how much fuss you make about it.

ginmakesitallok · 09/07/2011 22:29

FWIW - at my cousins wedding she had both her parents and their new partners at the top table - it was all very civilised and everyone had a good time. If DSS has any sense he'ss make sure you're all at the top table to avoid scenes. But it the end it's up to the bride and groom and you should be dignified about it and accept whatever they want

alistron1 · 09/07/2011 22:29

If i were to get married both my mothers husband and my fathers partner would be on the 'top table'

I'm sorry, but I find this whole hierarchical seating arrangement thing at weddings ridiculous. When my mum remarried she had a buffet, my dad waas there and it was informal and we all had a high old time (well I was 8 months pregnant and spent my time eating)

Top tables...

Signet2012 · 09/07/2011 22:30

This is exactly why Im not having a top table!

Im pretty close to my step mum, in a lot of respects much closer to her than my mum.

However, I know if I have her at my top table mum will expect her partner to be at the top table too, its not i dont like him, I just am not as close to him, as Im very close to my dad.

Anyway My Step mum has said she will sit outside on the floor if needed and isnt bothered in the slightest where she sits as long as she is there and Im happy (she knows my mum would make a fuss and doesnt want me having the hassle)

So - Im not having a top table or any seating plan at all, and praying everyone is adult enough to find themselves a seat, put their arse on it, and behave.

(im not sure whether i think YABU or not, it depends alot of the family dynamics)

Gissabreak · 09/07/2011 22:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Gooseberrybushes · 09/07/2011 22:32

my parents were separated on my wedding day, my mum sat next to his dad and my dad next to his mum

so that part is normal anyway

Gooseberrybushes · 09/07/2011 22:33

I mean not separated separated, I mean physically separated

Gissabreak · 09/07/2011 22:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

squeakytoy · 09/07/2011 22:35

If DSS has any sense he'ss make sure you're all at the top table to avoid scenes

And supposing his new wife has divorced and remarried parents... then the best man, and the bridesmaids... how fecking big is this table supposed to be!!!

ByThePowerOfGreyskull · 09/07/2011 22:36

agree with gooseberrybushes, I think that top table ettiquette separates the parents of the bride and groom anyway so even if you and your DH were the parents of your ss you would not sit together.

VelvetSnow · 09/07/2011 22:38

Oh, just had a thought...

OP are you paying for this wedding?

If so, then YANBU to demand the best seat in the house Grin

still think you should turn up wearing your very own wedding dress

VelvetSnow · 09/07/2011 22:38

Put a big blanket on the ground, then everyone's at the same fucking table

TheFeministsWife · 09/07/2011 22:39

Well I think YANBU. But then when my DSD marries I fully expect to be sat at the top table with DH and for her mother to be relegated to one of the "lower tables". That's if her mother will be invited at all, but DSD's nan will probably insist she is. But then our situation is a little different than most step family situations.

DaisySteiner · 09/07/2011 22:39

YABU. DH's stepmother wasn't even invited to our wedding.

ByThePowerOfGreyskull · 09/07/2011 22:39

here

HappyAsASandboy · 09/07/2011 22:40

I haven't been able to read all the responses, but it's a YABU from me.

I didn't even invite my stepmum to my wedding as I didn't want the atmosphere between my mum and stepmum. In case it is relevant, my dad sat at a normal table with his brother and his brothers family. My mums husband sat where the father of the bride would normally sit (having walked me down the aisle earlier in the day).

OhBuggerandArse · 09/07/2011 22:40

Oh please. Be graceful, keep a low profile, and don't make their day difficult by loading this additional pressure on to them. Sit wherever you're put and realise that they'll have been losing sleep over what to do even without you making a fuss.

LadyFlumpalot · 09/07/2011 22:41

And it is for this very reason that I shall not be having a top table when I get married. I cannot deal with the stepmum/mum stepdad/dad dramas. They can just sit where they all bloody well like.

BornInAfrica · 09/07/2011 22:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

squeakytoy · 09/07/2011 22:42

When I got married, I could not cope with the stress of doing seating arrangements, and hated the thought of a faffy sit down meal and speeches..

So we just had a posh buffet.. and everyone sat where they liked.. with who they liked.

Everyone complimented us on what a relaxed and informal wedding it was and how much fun they had.

Mare11bp · 09/07/2011 22:44

YABVU
All the weddings I have been to with divorced parents the step-parents were not on the top table and sat nearby.
It's unlikey your DH will be sat next to his ex.
They are usually intermingled with the brides family in your case.

LadyFlumpalot · 09/07/2011 22:44

Sorry Signet2012 Didn't see you had already said what I did (and much more eloquently as well!)

Mare11bp · 09/07/2011 22:44

Unlikely

BernadetteRostenkowski · 09/07/2011 22:44

If we'd have had parents and parents new partners at our top table we would have had SEVEN parents to fit on the top table, plus best man and maid of honour and husband and I.

Thats eleven people - thats a jolly big top table.

The bride and groom should choose who gets to be on the top table and your job, as the stepmum, is to rise above it and keep quiet.

BoysAreLikeDogs · 09/07/2011 22:45

It's ok to not like it, but don't be a dick, yes?