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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to expect to sit with my husband at the top table at my stepsons wedding ??

412 replies

madmn52 · 09/07/2011 21:58

Message from MNHQ: AWOOOOGA!! This thread has recently been reactivated but please be aware that it was started YEARS AND YEARS ago.

I dont know where I will be sat but certain things have been said that imply that I may not be and his ex-wife - the grooms mum will be. I have asked and asked my DH to ask about my seating arrangement and as usual he is avoiding it - as I think he knows I will kick off if I am sat at one of the lower troughs at the back of the room. My point is that while I accept fully that the grooms mum should be at the top table - I think as my DH will be sat there then so should I and exWs partner for that matter - I am not sure on the etiquette here but I wouldnt have thought a DH and his wife should be separated. The wedding is at end of September and I just wish my DH would ask then I will know if I have anything to be worried about. I just think leaving it to chance is asking for problems /atmosphere on the day. Not that I would spoil their big day - definitely not but I wouldnt be happy put it that way. My DH doesnt want me to ask - he wants me to leave it to him in case any of you were going to suggest I just ask myself.

OP posts:
Userwhocouldntthinkofagoodname · 26/09/2017 14:12

.

to expect to sit with my husband at the top table at my stepsons wedding ??
beepbeeprichie · 26/09/2017 14:15

I did enjoy that User GrinGrinGrin

rosybell · 26/09/2017 14:22

Yabu! It is really not up to you. There may be limited top table seating. Your groom may not want an awkward atmosphere at the top table. It's just a meal. Sit where they want you and don't make a fuss is my advice. Weddings are very difficult for people with divorced parents , please don't make it harder.

InsomniacAnonymous · 26/09/2017 14:25

Oh FFS!

BorisTrumpsHair · 26/09/2017 14:29

I kind of want the OP to come back and tell us if the B&G are still married or not.

But really MN, it would be great if ZOMBIE threads did not pop up in "Active"

JoffreyBaratheon · 26/09/2017 15:25

I regret not making my stepmother sit in the toilet during my wedding TBH.

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 26/09/2017 15:31

My DH and I were separated at DSD Wedding, they put me on the table with their best mates, I had a blast! You need to go with their flow, it's their day do not make issues, I'm sure they have enough to worry about and it won't do you any favours in the popularity stakes if you add to their stress.

Enjoy the Champagne!

Userwhocouldntthinkofagoodname · 26/09/2017 15:33

.

to expect to sit with my husband at the top table at my stepsons wedding ??
BishopBrennansArse · 26/09/2017 15:55

http://gph.is/13Bavbf

TammySwansonTwo · 26/09/2017 15:56

"Troughs"?!

Say all four parents are remarried - so that's 8 + bride and groom + best man and maid of honour and their partners too maybe? That's 14 people. It's ridiculous.

BishopBrennansArse · 26/09/2017 18:13

.

ChickenVindaloo2 · 26/09/2017 18:36

I don't understand all this. Should each bridesmaid/best man/whatever get their spouse sitting next to them too?

Are people incapable of operating without their spouse for a short period of time for a specific reason? You've got the ceremony and the dancing afterwards to show your status mark your territory drape yourself over accompany your DH.

This shit comes with marrying someone with DCs. Suck it up.

ChickenVindaloo2 · 26/09/2017 18:38

Oh well. Just realised I've been had by a zombie. Unlikely to get in an online slagging match tonight with the OP. Better go to the gym instead or I'll never have a wedding of my own. Grin

NoKidsTwoCats · 26/09/2017 18:40

You are. Unless they have a really, really big top table, they won't have room for 'extended' family (imagine if it was the bride, groom, bride's parents, groom's parents, bride's step parents, groom's step parents, maid of honour, best man - 12 in total!). Not to mention the awkwardness of all the parents and step parents being plonked together like one big happy family.

You may be separated but if the bride and groom are thoughtful they'll put you with someone you know. It's only for an hour and a half anyway, don't sweat it!

00100001 · 26/09/2017 18:43

WUB

achangeisgonnacome · 26/09/2017 18:56

Haven’t read the full thread but when DSD got married , on the top table was myself and DH (so DSd’s DDad) the bride and groom, then Groom’s DDad and then DSDs mum (ex wife of DH)

I wasn’t expecting that at all and was completely surprised as I’d expected to be on a separate table. I hadn’t wanted to ask as then it would have been about me and that would have been wrong.

Who knows whether it was because we all get in relatively well or to ‘even out’ the table - but it was DSds day and if she’d stuck me on the table in the corner I would have had to suck it up.

Please don’t kick off if the table plan is not how you want it to be. It’ll cast a shadow over your DSSs day if you do

achangeisgonnacome · 26/09/2017 19:00

Aaaghhhh zombie thread !!

notanotherNC · 26/09/2017 19:03

This is why people hate step mums. Not your kid. You didn't give birth to the groom or wife. You just married their parent. You get a seat at the random table and you should be grateful. Step parents are so entiltied.

TheVoiceOfTreason · 26/09/2017 19:03

My husband's parents are divorced. We considered two options - either they both sit on the top table with their respective new spouses, or neither did. Ultimately, we wanted them to be able to actually enjoy the meal and relax and not feel uncomfortable, so we went with the second option. We therefore de-mystified the top table as much as possible - had a round one rather than a long one, same flowers as all the other tables, etc, and put their respective tables either side of ours with a mix of their closest other relatives and some of my closest other relatives that weren't on the top table (e.g. My nan), so it kind of looked like there were three top tables, nobody had to sit with anyone they would have felt uncomfortable with, but equally because it wasn't a conventional top table, them not being on it didn't feel like as big a deal to them. Seemed to work quite well and kept the peace!

Ultimately I think you have to put personal feelings aside and focus on doing whatever makes the bride and groom happy. The meal is only a small part of the day. It won't be an easy decision for them either way - it's a real conundrum dealing with this kind of thing!

Just enjoy the occasion for what it is, would be my tip.

notanotherNC · 26/09/2017 19:03

Shit Zombie thread :(

catbas · 26/09/2017 19:05

Please be joking. Evil stepmother territory here. You're not his mum get over it

TheLuminaries · 26/09/2017 19:14

If you choose to marry someone who has already been married and has children by that marriage, you have to accept that for the first family you may not always be included as you are an 'extra' to their lives, not an integral relation. Some blended families do better at it than others - usually where the second husband and wife/self important and needy and demanding.

TheLuminaries · 26/09/2017 19:15

OMG -zombie thread - why do people do that ?!

PollytheDoily · 26/09/2017 19:21

At our wedding DH did not want his parents partners at the top table. his mum sat with my dad and his dad with my mum*

Same at my DSD wedding. I sat at a table near the top table with her step dad. Was a good day.

sweetbitter · 26/09/2017 19:58

YANBU to wonder about where you will be sat and to hope it will be with your husband. I am a stepmum too and I would be anxious about the same thing in your position. Though IME at English weddings the sit-down part is often shorter than in other countries, so if you're not together at least it will just be for 1-2 hours I'd have thought before everyone starts getting up and mingling/dancing etc.