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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to expect to sit with my husband at the top table at my stepsons wedding ??

412 replies

madmn52 · 09/07/2011 21:58

Message from MNHQ: AWOOOOGA!! This thread has recently been reactivated but please be aware that it was started YEARS AND YEARS ago.

I dont know where I will be sat but certain things have been said that imply that I may not be and his ex-wife - the grooms mum will be. I have asked and asked my DH to ask about my seating arrangement and as usual he is avoiding it - as I think he knows I will kick off if I am sat at one of the lower troughs at the back of the room. My point is that while I accept fully that the grooms mum should be at the top table - I think as my DH will be sat there then so should I and exWs partner for that matter - I am not sure on the etiquette here but I wouldnt have thought a DH and his wife should be separated. The wedding is at end of September and I just wish my DH would ask then I will know if I have anything to be worried about. I just think leaving it to chance is asking for problems /atmosphere on the day. Not that I would spoil their big day - definitely not but I wouldnt be happy put it that way. My DH doesnt want me to ask - he wants me to leave it to him in case any of you were going to suggest I just ask myself.

OP posts:
LittleMissFlustered · 09/07/2011 22:05

Kamer has it sorted.

2gorgeousboys · 09/07/2011 22:06

I don't understand why you think you should be sat on the top table? As far as I am aware the top table is for parents of the bride and groom and bridesmaids, best man.

Imagine if both sets of parents had remarried - you would need a huge top table with 8 places for parents plus bride, groom etc.

If you were a bridesmaid or best man you would not be sat with your DH/DW/DP so is it really any different?

feckwit · 09/07/2011 22:06

Yes you are being unreasonable. Both my stepdaughters have married and my dh sat at the top table with his ex wife, new partners ( ie me) sat on different tables. You're not the parent. It was fine, and actually lovely for my dh as he hates speeches but had me in front of him to support him.

oohjarWhatsit · 09/07/2011 22:06

its up to your stepson, not you, but i would assume that the four parents are at the top table and new partners sat elsewhere

TimeWasting · 09/07/2011 22:07

I think the traditional arrangement is to have the grooms mother seated with the brides father and vice versa.
We had step-MIL sitting at a near table with DH Grandma and her own parents.

squeakytoy · 09/07/2011 22:07

Yes, you are being unreasonable. Speaking as a stepmother whose SD got married 6 months ago, you really need to keep out of it.

I actually didnt go to the wedding. I hate his ex-wife, (they were divorced and she was already remarried before I met him, so nothing to do with me stealing him off her!)... but there is no love lost between us at all, however this was my husbands daughters day, and I had the handy excuse of needing to be at home to mind the dogs (mine and MIL's)... as the wedding was a fair distance away.

yousankmybattleship · 09/07/2011 22:07

YABU. It must be complicated to arrange wherer everyone sits. Just go with it and stop being so spoilt. It is not your day - it is about your step son and ihs wife.

BigHairyGruffalo · 09/07/2011 22:07

I think it would have been lovely of step-son to have invited you to the top table, but as he has not, I think you should respect his wishes. I think this is one of those situations where there is no defined 'right'. I'm sure you will get to spend time with your DH throughout the rest of the day.

dyzzidi · 09/07/2011 22:07

I have been to many weddings where this is the case. I honestly think it up to the groom and you shoud just accept it and be informed when they are ready to inform you. It seem to be more and more prevalent as a lot of family have divorced/remarried parent and if the sat everyone at the top table there could be potentially 8 parents, chief bridesmaid and best man and bride and groom and a lot of venues can not accommodate this.

However the usual thing to do with divorced parent is that the Grooms dad would sit next to the brides mother and the grooms mother would sit next to the brides father. If your dh was the best man you would be sat seperate from him as he would be on the top table so it is reasonable that you would be seperated from your partner.

It is only for a couple of hours and as soon as the meal is over you will be free to sit wherever and with whoever you like.

So sorry i do think YABU

DoNotTakeMeSiriusly · 09/07/2011 22:08

You just don't want to be seated with the "mutants at table 9" do you?? Grin

GwendolineMaryLacey · 09/07/2011 22:08

YABU. Top table is for parents of the couple. In this case you are not a parent, unless the couple split when your ss was a small child and you raised him since then. You might have a case there. Otherwise you'll have to try to survive a couple of hours on your own without your DH. You'll be able to wave to him though...

VelvetSnow · 09/07/2011 22:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

2gorgeousboys · 09/07/2011 22:10

x posts with lots of others!

fgaaagh · 09/07/2011 22:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

VelvetSnow · 09/07/2011 22:10

But you could exact revenge on them and turn up wearing a lovely big white dress with a veil Grin

sorry i forgot, you're not the bride here

Original poster
madmn52 · 09/07/2011 22:10

Thank you - but is that because its etiquettly ( sorry pedants ) ok to seperate a husband and wife. Its just its a big day for him (my DH) and he says he will be very annoyed if I am not with him as he wants us to be sat /enjoy the day together. That is one reason I want him to ask now then decide what his stance will be on that to avoid problems closer to wedding then we can decide whether to suck it up and just deal with it or let our/his feelings be known. I think it is reasonable for him to at least find out where his wife will be sat - sooner rather than later. I am very close to and extremely fond of my ss btw and am considered as a Nana to his young children.

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 09/07/2011 22:11

if your husband is annoyed why on earth won't he ask his son?

fgaaagh · 09/07/2011 22:12

"Planning a seating plan is bad enough with having to worry about upsetting dads wife."

Exactly!

Everyone has their needs and wishes to cater to (be it justified e.g. lack of mobility or being very close to XYZ, or needing to be near the bathroom, or to seperate a divorced couple likely to fight, you name it - there's so much juggling to be done!)... it's impossible to please everyone.

DuelingFanjo · 09/07/2011 22:12

oh, hang on. You say he is going to ask. Sooner he does the better.

thisisyesterday · 09/07/2011 22:12

oh fgs you WILL enjoy the day with him

really, are the pair of you so upset about being separated in a room-full of people you know for the duration of a meal???

are you generally joined at the hip?

NorfolkNChamberOfSecrets · 09/07/2011 22:13

YABU

I will be separate from my DH and DD at my sister's wedding because I am Chief Fairy Bridesmaid and my DH is not part of the wedding party. To be honest it hadn't even occured to me to think this was odd in any way.

DoNotTakeMeSiriusly · 09/07/2011 22:13

Seriously... it's not the entire day! you're going to be sat apart for the duration of the speeches and the meal itself, two hours at the most! You're not going to be seperated for the entire day. All weddings I've been to ( and I'm a classy gal me) most people have swapped and changed after the desserts!

porcupine11 · 09/07/2011 22:14

You are being unreasonable, very unreasonable - why not let them have their day as they want it? It sounds like a point-scoring exercise to me. I'm sat apart from my husband at three weddings while he's been on top table, and he will sit apart from me when I'm on top table at my sister's wedding. Neither of us have thrown hissy fits about this.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 09/07/2011 22:14

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nevergoogle · 09/07/2011 22:14

YABU. it's just for the meal, it's not like you're being kept away from your DH for the whole day and night.

for our wedding each feuding unreasonable parents was allowed their own table to host. we hosted our own table with the best man and partner, and good friends.

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