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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to expect to sit with my husband at the top table at my stepsons wedding ??

412 replies

madmn52 · 09/07/2011 21:58

Message from MNHQ: AWOOOOGA!! This thread has recently been reactivated but please be aware that it was started YEARS AND YEARS ago.

I dont know where I will be sat but certain things have been said that imply that I may not be and his ex-wife - the grooms mum will be. I have asked and asked my DH to ask about my seating arrangement and as usual he is avoiding it - as I think he knows I will kick off if I am sat at one of the lower troughs at the back of the room. My point is that while I accept fully that the grooms mum should be at the top table - I think as my DH will be sat there then so should I and exWs partner for that matter - I am not sure on the etiquette here but I wouldnt have thought a DH and his wife should be separated. The wedding is at end of September and I just wish my DH would ask then I will know if I have anything to be worried about. I just think leaving it to chance is asking for problems /atmosphere on the day. Not that I would spoil their big day - definitely not but I wouldnt be happy put it that way. My DH doesnt want me to ask - he wants me to leave it to him in case any of you were going to suggest I just ask myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
madmn52 · 09/07/2011 23:19

Yes I do realize I wouldnt be sat next to my DH - I just wanted to know whether I will be sat at the same table as I am very worried about the trouble it will cause ( not by me - when I said kick off btw - I did not mean at the wedding - no way would I do that ) mainly between my DH and his ex/w and son.

OP posts:
BimboNo5 · 09/07/2011 23:21

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Original poster
madmn52 · 09/07/2011 23:23

By the way have never been to an (English) formal wedding - so had no idea that my DH would be on one side and his exw on the other. I thought the grooms and brides mum and dad sat together on their family side. That would probably not be too bad for DH.

OP posts:
GertieWooster · 09/07/2011 23:23

Blimey OP, mountains and molehills springs to mind, and the language you use "I will kick off" honestly are you 12?

As sense of entitlement goes you don't want to be compared unfavourably to the ex do you? suck it up, be the bigger person and take everything with good grace.

Maryz as usual is right, make it a non-issue. Don't make it so awkward that the bride would rather not invite you at all for fear of an "atmosphere" or "kicking off".

It's their day, not yours

iscream · 09/07/2011 23:24

I stand corrected. But for what it is worth, if you are not included, don't make waves.
www.whiteweddingpages.co.uk/articles/receiving-line-and-top-table-seating
If either set of parents is divorced and has a new partner you?ll have to extend the line.

Groom?s Step-Mother
Bride?s Step-Father
Chief Bridesmaid
Groom?s Father
Bride?s Mother
Groom
Bride
Bride?s Father
Groom?s Mother
Best Man
Bride?s Step-Mother
Groom?s Step-Father

Of course, step-parents who prefer not to sit at the top table should be accommodated elsewhere. If the bride?s step-father (or other relative) rather than her father is giving her away and hosting the wedding, then he, not her natural father, should sit by her side.

MilkMonitor · 09/07/2011 23:25

It's a great opportunity to meet new and possibly interesting people if you are not sitting with your dh at the top table. You're not the groom's mother and so tradition dictates that you don't sit there. If your ss thinks you should be there, then great but it's his wedding and it's up to him.

Don't kick off about it. You'll look like a silly brat having a bitch fit about not much. Are you that insecure and attention seeking?

PrincessScrumpy · 09/07/2011 23:25

Your not his mum so I wouldn't accept to be at top table if I were you. Your ss will probably be having a nightmare over this and be desperate not to upset his mum. Make life easy for him and he'll be truly grateful. It's nice you're being invited at all - it's their day, not yours.

AgainWhen · 09/07/2011 23:27

What Maryz said. You will only benefit from looking reasonable in this situation, but it sounds like it's about a lot more than the seating plan.

sausagesandmarmelade · 09/07/2011 23:28

For all you know, the couple may have made a very sensible and mature choice which you would be more than happy with.

You may be worrying over nothing....

You need to know....so ask!

Maryz · 09/07/2011 23:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
madmn52 · 09/07/2011 23:43

I only said I would kick off if sat at a lower trough ( to make light of it! ) at the back of the room. I didnt mean I would kick off if I wasnt sat with my husband at the top table. Only if I was seated on the spare chairs at the back near the loo for example - thats what I meant by lower trough etc. My main point is jsut wanting to know. If I am sat somewhere with other family members that would be fine with me - but not with my husband who thinks that because I have paid for this wedding and his exw hasnt helped or contributed although quite well off then I should be sat at the top table. Thats just him really.

OP posts:
Gooseberrybushes · 09/07/2011 23:45

Oh yes the lady should cough up I reckon.

Original poster
madmn52 · 09/07/2011 23:50

Its nice I'm being invited - yes - there wouldnt have been a wedding - or this year at least - if it werent for my part loan part gift to fund it ?

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Maryz · 09/07/2011 23:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GertieWooster · 09/07/2011 23:52

you have a real opportunity to be the gracious, reasonable one here. Play this right (not that I condone game-playing but) and all the family and guests will see you as a lovely, positive and reasonable person. Comments like "no wonder xx (your DH) wanted to marry her (you), she's so lovely and reasonable, not like the first wife who would have made such a fuss blah blah her sense of entitlement is so blah blah blah" etc etc

and fgs don't bring up how much you've contributed

choux · 09/07/2011 23:52

But you haven't paid for the wedding. You have provided a loan which you have done because you are close to your SS. And he is going to pay you back.

Your DHs ExW may be the world's biggest bitch but ATEOTD she is the groom's mother and will be seated on the same table but not next to your DH. Even if you were on the top table you would most likely not be next to your DH. It sounds like he is going to find it difficult to be around the Ex for the day so isn't it better if you are seated somewhere close to him on another table so you can make eye contact / be supportive rather than 5 people along on the top table?

differentnameforthis · 09/07/2011 23:55

The etiquette used to be brides parents, grooms parents & top attendants (so best man, MOH).

I say used, because I know that since I was married (1994) things have changed & people tend not to go for the norm any more.

The top table would be very long if they had to accommodate (at least three) sets of parents (you, your dh, grooms mother, stepfather, brides parents & attendants)

ZacharyQuack · 09/07/2011 23:56

Your DH needs to accept that regardless of his feeling for and past history with his ex-wife, and whatever the arguement with his son was regarding the bride, that this wedding is not about him and his issues.

He has a choice to either behave with dignity and not make a fuss about past history or who sits where, or he can have a self-indulgent strop on his son's wedding day.

His son is getting married, he's an adult, his parents just need to suck it up and go along with whatever they're asked to do for one day out of their lives.

MrsPresley · 09/07/2011 23:59

When my daughter got married the parents (I'm divorced and so are my SIL's parents) sat at the top table.

The step parents were seated together with the grandparents, but I realise that was my daughter and SIL's choice.

Personally I have never known step parents to be at the top table unless the step parent has been around a very long time and the real mum/dad is dead (hope that came across as it was meant).

I also sat with my ex husband in the church and mt partner and my ex's wife sat together.

Just for the record we dont usually get on but we all, quite rightly made an effort and put our diffrences aside for my daughter.

Original poster
madmn52 · 09/07/2011 23:59

Thank you I will enjoy myself wouldnt dream of mentioning that I have contributed. I am just defending myself against people saying I should be thankful I've been invited. Not that I think that gives me any more rights etc etc. That is definitely not why I did it

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TwoIfBySea · 10/07/2011 00:06

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TwoIfBySea · 10/07/2011 00:07

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worraliberty · 10/07/2011 00:17

My main point is jsut wanting to know. If I am sat somewhere with other family members that would be fine with me - but not with my husband who thinks that because I have paid for this wedding and his exw hasnt helped or contributed although quite well off then I should be sat at the top table. Thats just him really

Sorry I think that's bull shite.

If your Husband was worried, you wouldn't have to nag him to ask the question on your behalf.

Then again, if you're as close to your step son as you make out...YOU would ask anyway.

It sounds to me as though your DH is perfectly happy for the Bride and Groom to do what the hell they want at their own wedding.

You, however seem to view the top table as a sign of importance.

Just suck up whatever seat you're given and concentrate on the really important people...they're the Bride and Groom by the way.

Cutiecat · 10/07/2011 00:23

When DH and i got married we had both his steps sitting with us. They had both been a part of his life for over 20 years and DH mentioned then fondly in his speech. I think it depends on your relationship with your SS and how long you have been around. Both my DH's step parents have brought him up with his parents. But don't make a fuss, sit where you are told. It is their day.

Original poster
madmn52 · 10/07/2011 00:29

I agree with you Twoif - nothing worse. Thats definitely not my style. Also hate attention seekers and absolutely hate the limelight - no problem here with it being on other people. No problem with ex wife sat with DH either. My DH calls me his 'upgrade' if thats clue enough for you. As for my 'lower trough' comment then that is so obviously a deliberate exaggeration for humourous effect then if you choose to take that as a serious comment I suggest its not me likely to be the one wearing a cats bum face at such an occasion.

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