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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have expected a thankyou card after attending a friends' wedding in March??

129 replies

NorthernGirlie · 08/07/2011 09:32

I think it's rude not to thank people who've spent money attending a hen night, bought new outfit, took the day off, spent money at the reception, bought a gift... so I asked the bride if she's forgotten to send cards - she said whe's thanked everyone personally on the day and thought that was enough!!??

OP posts:
Playdohinthewashingmachine · 08/07/2011 09:33

Why do you need thanking twice? Of course once is enough.

Did you send her a written thankyou for providing you with a meal at the wedding?

If she sent you a written thankyou, would you send her one back, thanking her for the thankyou card?

worraliberty · 08/07/2011 09:34

Some send them and some don't.

You did get a thank you though, why does she need to say it again and post it?

cjbartlett · 08/07/2011 09:34

No she should have sent thank you cards for the prsents

supadupapupascupa · 08/07/2011 09:36

She should have sent thank you cards for the gifts received. YANBU.

IroningBoardForSurfBoard · 08/07/2011 09:36

a thank you card for presents is nice i suppose, but YABU to still be smarting about it 4 months on

PuzzleRocks · 08/07/2011 09:36

She should have sent cards for the presents.

CristinaTheAstonishing · 08/07/2011 09:37

I think we've always received thank you cards for wedding presents, whether bought in advance from a list or given on the day. We sent some friends in the US vouchers and haven't got a thank you note yet (not even an email), which makes me wonder if they've received them or not, if nothing else. It was only 4 weeks ago, though.

Gilberte · 08/07/2011 09:39

No YANBU I was brought up to write thank you letters and will encourage DC to do the same. Obviously if someone gives me a gift in person on my birthday I can thank them in person but a large formal occasion such as a wedding when you don't often open the gifts until afterwards requires a more formal thank you in my opinion. If you don't want to do thankyous don't put a wedding list in the invite and expect people to buy you a gift or fund your honeymoon.

centrecourt · 08/07/2011 09:41

YABU for expecting a thankyou for attending. You expect a thankyou for buying a new outfit and buying yourself a drink? Confused Did you write a thankyou for the meal you ate or the chance to catch up with new friends? This is very odd.

On the other hand she should have said thank you for the gift if you bought one and not unusual to mention she was glad you were there.

I have a Spanish friend and she never thanked me for the wedding gift we bought - but when she came to our wedding she wrote and thanked me for the invitation; I guess different cultures have different protocols.

Original poster
NorthernGirlie · 08/07/2011 09:43

Interesting replies - IroningBoardForSurfBoard I'm not still smarting, I'm just big on manners! I've received thankyou notes which have referred directly to the gift I've bought 'thanks so much for the champagne, it provided a very glam start to our married life' etc which I've really appreciated - don't think it takes much to write a generic 'thanks for coming, thanks for your gift' sard either. :)

OP posts:
lauzb · 08/07/2011 09:43

Shit....maybe I should be writing thank you cards for my wedding in april instead of sitting on MN... Hmm

ShatnersBassoon · 08/07/2011 09:45

YABU, she thanked you. A thanks doesn't need to be in triplicate to make it heartfelt.

Olivetti · 08/07/2011 09:45

Yes, lauzb, you should. OP, YANBU at all.

begonyabampot · 08/07/2011 09:46

I wouldn't be annoyed about this if I was there and she got the chance to thank me personally for coming etc.

meditrina · 08/07/2011 09:51

No bride is so admin minded on the day of her wedding that she ensures she has a conversation with every single guest along the lines of "thank you for the XXX, it's such a kind thought because YYY, and I'm really looking forward to ZZZ with it". And how did she keep a check list to make sure she didn't miss anyone?

Of course she should have written thank you letters for each present.

And I hope you remembered to send the requisite bread and butter letter to the bride's parents (or other official hosts).

You tank you letter is, if you really must, a place to ask if they know if the bride had received your present: it's still a bit rude to ask, but you can get away with it as you're not asking directly of the person who has apparently omitted the standard form of thanks. And also you can say you just wanted to check it had arrived safely - which us probably the real worry when you hear nothing.

WowOoo · 08/07/2011 09:51

I really apreciate thank you cards.
Weddings take a lot of organisation and costs for guests too - babysitting, hotels, time off work etc.

We had a lovely, personal thank you for one wedding we went to. The other hasn't bothered. I do think it's good manners to send cards.

LittleJennyRobyn · 08/07/2011 09:59

Maybe it's just where we live but in all the weddings, birthdays christenings..etc, we have attended over the years we have never recieved a thankyou card/letter.

Neither have we sent any, we get/give verbal thanks at the time or pass on thanks with a phonecall. I dont know anyone that has sent them.
The DC's have been to loads of parties between them over the years and only ever recieved 2 thankyou cards in all that time even though it was never expected.

In fact thankyou cards and letters were practically unheard of until i joined MN!!!

begonyabampot · 08/07/2011 10:11

but some folk don't get that some people whether it's upbringing or the area they live don't really do them - seem to expect that thank you cards are essential and anyone who doesn't do them is rude. I was brought up to never do thank you cards - it really wasn't on our radar and didn't expect or really get them either. Seems it only those who do thank you cards who are very rigid about what is acceptable or not. I've appreciated getting one on occasion but don't judge on it and happy to accept any thankyou in any form.

sweetness86 · 08/07/2011 10:13

YABU I did do thankyou notes but I dont think it is compulsary . It was four months ago maybe you should move on?

begonyabampot · 08/07/2011 10:14

hi sweetness - you're still here then, thought the harridans might have scared you off!

plupervert · 08/07/2011 10:17

I made DH write his own thank you letters after our wedding, and felt a bit sorry for "my" guests, for not getting anything as rare and valuable as the sample of DH's handwriting which "his" guests got!

Notquitegrownup · 08/07/2011 10:17

I would always expect a thank you card for a gift, but not for being there - and I am big on thank you cards.

I would always always expect to send one to thank the bride/groom/their parents for inviting us to the wedding. I still treasure the lovely thank you letters and cards we were sent after the day - more than the Congratulations on getting married cards. We put a lot of effort into making sure that it was a fun/comfortable day for everyone, and it is lovely to know that it was appreciated.

Cocoflower · 08/07/2011 10:17

I certainly sent thank you cards after our wedding. How rude not to! I do think its very rude when people make so much effort for you.

I would also expect children to send thank you cards after a birthday. Its manners.

sweetness86 · 08/07/2011 10:21

begonyabampot- Im still here enjoying the banter plus Im sat at my desk at work with nothing to do Grin

Lunabelly · 08/07/2011 10:39

I'm big on manners, but for me, a verbal thank you or just a smile is enough. I'm afraid I'm at the stage in life where I view most cards outside of birthdays / new babies / in sympathy as a waste of a good tree. :o
Rumours that I internally shriek "TREE RAPIST!" every time I get a thank you card may or may not be true. (My bro sent a TY card for our gift when their DC was born. Why? They'd already thanked me when they unwrapped it Confused )

And I make cards!

I don't even do Christmas cards anymore - we donate to charity instead (The DCs give out sweets instead of cards or write their own).
I'd rather people were "Ho ho ho merrrry Christmas" and nice to each other than have a sea of often meaningless cardboard floating in my living room.

Soooo...if it means that much to you, YANBU.
But for me, YABU - I'd rather a smile/hug/thank you than another bit of card to fill up my hoardiness house with. But I'm cranky :o