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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have expected a thankyou card after attending a friends' wedding in March??

129 replies

NorthernGirlie · 08/07/2011 09:32

I think it's rude not to thank people who've spent money attending a hen night, bought new outfit, took the day off, spent money at the reception, bought a gift... so I asked the bride if she's forgotten to send cards - she said whe's thanked everyone personally on the day and thought that was enough!!??

OP posts:
ScroobiousPip · 08/07/2011 10:42

Yes, I would send thank you card. Bad manners not to.

meditrina · 08/07/2011 10:43

begonyabampot: when there is a single standard, then life is so much easier! Seen from this side, absence of thanks is a deliberate insult.

You can be as rigid as you like about not doing them - you are right, it is your choice. And I wouldn't ever say anything in RL to someone who didn't send their thanks. But I would feel surprisingly hurt, and would assume my present had been found wanting and my good wishes in sending it insufficient.

MaryAnnSingleton · 08/07/2011 10:44

she definitely should have send a thank you- it's basic good manners. People are getting horribly lazy

PuppyMonkey · 08/07/2011 10:48

Thank you cards are ridiculous IMHO. What a completely outmoded and silly tradition. The bride said thank you, why on earth would you want it in writing? Did you not believe her? Waste of paper, stamps and time.

Mind you, I don't send Christmas cards either so....

ensure · 08/07/2011 10:53

A card is nice but it isn't the end of the world not to receive one, I think.

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 08/07/2011 10:57

I was wondering why people are assuming that it is solely the bride's responsibility to thank people for attending the wedding, and for their gifts - but then I remembered my wedding, or rather, the point 3 months later, when I realised that dh hadn't written any of the Thank-you cards that I'd asked him to write. I'd thought it was reasonable to ask him to write to his friends and family, whilst I was writing to mine and to the mutual friends, and we were both working fulltime, so neither of us had lots of spare time for this job.

But when I went to the address book to start writing the christmas cards, I found dh's list of names with not one single tick on it - he'd completely forgotten, and I had to put thankyou notes, and apologies, in with people's christmas cards, months late!

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 08/07/2011 10:58

I've been to tons of weddings and not been sent a thank-you card and it has never occurred to me that that was rude ... in fact I was surprised recently when I went to a wedding and DID receive one afterwards! It's not something I'm familiar with.

Maybe if I didn't/couldn't go to a wedding and sent a present instead, I might expect a thank-you card for the present, but not for attending the thing itself. After all, the bride and groom normally put a lot of money and effort into organising and catering etc ? it's not just guests who have to buy and organise stuff for weddings.

mumeeee · 08/07/2011 11:02

YABU. Yes it's nice to get a thanking card but sometimes it can be very difficult to remember who sent what as DD1 found out. She did thanking personally on the day though which is good. She should not have to thank you for coming to her Hen night.

TheSmallClanger · 08/07/2011 11:07

I look forward to the day when thankyou cards and the attendant one-upmanship and down-the-nose peering become a thing of the past.

Yes, you should say thankyou, face to face, or on the phone, or however is convenient and comfortable for you, but insisting on a card in this day and age is a bit U.

GeneralissimoVonBobbington · 08/07/2011 11:07

I was forced at gunpoint to write thank you letters/cards as a child and hated every second of it. My seven year old self couldn't think of anything interesting to say in the letters, which my DF seemed to insist be quite long.

Now, however, I am usually peeved if I don't get any acknowledgement at all. My rules, for what it's worth:

Thank you card/call/email (text at a push) if recipient was not with you on receipt of gift.

No extra thanks necessary if recipient was there to receive gift and thanked you at the time.

Thank yous for wedding presents/attendance. It's expensive and a big deal.
I think the extra level of expense and faff that goes into attending a wedding and buying a gift requires something extra than the usual. For what it's worth, we had a wedding list so I knew mostly what people had got us. I wrote all of ours before the wedding and then all I had to do was add a few words about the day and our honeymoon.

MaryAnnSingleton · 08/07/2011 11:22

I write thank yous for everything - it's just the way I am-and am always really happy when someone writes me one.I wouldn't cast anyone aside for not writing one, but I think it's a nice habit.

EssexGurl · 08/07/2011 11:40

Um, I usually send a thank you card after I have attended a wedding and also send any photos we've taken. I made DH write thank you letters to his side of the family. I am a stickler for thank yous. It is good manners. Verbal thanks in this situation is not enough.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 08/07/2011 11:42

That's the other way round though, Essex ? you're talking about sending a thank-you card as a wedding attendee; the OP is talking about the bride and groom sending a thank-you card.

PuppyMonkey · 08/07/2011 11:51

Verbal thank you is not enoughHmmConfusedGrinBiscuit

Lunabelly · 08/07/2011 11:52

I see what you are saying, but at the wedding, the guests have been fed and watered at the happy couple's expense, and the h'ouple have been well wished and maybe gifted. Mutually beneficial and lovely day, no thanks required.

A thank you at the speeches or on the recieving line is enough for me, but even if none if forthcoming, I'm not worried, because if someone knows and regards us well enough to invite us, then I also know that is thanks enough. I will not lose sleep or loved ones over another piece of cardboard (or not). Plus I know that the time around weddings is stressy enough!

If thank you cards is your bag, good for you, but I would never think less or more of anyone for being one way or the other. I actually dread cards to be honest, as I'm a complete fecking basket case a bit OCD and cannot throw them away. :(

begonyabampot · 08/07/2011 14:29

meditrina -'begonyabampot: when there is a single standard, then life is so much easier! Seen from this side, absence of thanks is a deliberate insult.'

see your point so lets make the single standard 'no thankyou cards' - less faffing, less cost, less misundertanding, less impact on the enviroment.

meditrina · 09/07/2011 11:09

Lunabelly: "Mutually beneficial and lovely day, no thanks required" - What?!??!? I hope this doesn't mean guests are no longer sending thank you letters to their hosts!

begony:Interesting thought. How would you advocate it, and do you really think it would catch on?

catgirl1976 · 09/07/2011 11:11

YANBU - she should have sent thank you cards for the gifts.

KurriKurri · 09/07/2011 11:16

I don't agree with the mutually beneficial idea. You are invited to a wedding fro the benefit of the couple getting married, - so they can have guests, it is often quite expensive and something of an effort to go to weddings (esp. if they are a long way away, you have to arrange child care etc etc.) so I would few the feeding and watering as 'thank you for for accepting our invitation'.

For a gift, IMO you should send a thankyou note after the wedding, and not generic crap, but mentioning the gift you chose. If people can't attend but send a gift they should get a thank you letter and a piece of cake.
It's just good manners.

last wedding I went to the bride sent a thankyou letter as soon as she got home from honeymoon, and included a photo of the two of them on the day.

ratspeaker · 09/07/2011 11:18

Another reason to advocate everyone elopes

Pancakeflipper · 09/07/2011 11:19

I love getting a thank you card. I just love getting happy post.

I am still battling with my cat bums mouth, not to ask 1 particular bride and groom if theydid appreciate the £40.00 voucher we gave for their wedding, I am wondering if the staff at the venue who swept all gifts away nicked it.

Never had any acknowledgement. Not a nod. Not a thank you. Not a card.

This wedding was last year. I have issues.

piprabbit · 09/07/2011 11:21

I think notes to say thank you for presents are much appreciated because gifts are usually opened after the wedding. Whatever the bride verbally thanked people for at the wedding, it cant have been the gifts if she hadn't even opened them yet.

I travelled a long way once for a friend's wedding. It was a large event so I didn't really get a chance for an intimate chat - not that I expected to as it was her wedding. But she didn't write to thank me for my present - so I never knew if she had received it.

I also dropped her a note to thank her for inviting me, saying what a lovely day I'd had and enclosing a couple of pictures of her wedding. She never replied to that either.

meditrina · 09/07/2011 11:26

Pancakeflipper: the possible loss/theft of a present, or simply the store sending the wrong item, is (IMHO) an important practical/objective reason for sending a proper thank you letter. Then at least you might have a chance of rectifying things.

I posted above about the option for using your guestly thank-you letter to the reception hosts as a means of spurring investigation into whether a present had at least been safely received. I wouldn't be sure what would be the best thing to do if you were still waiting after the time at which guests really should have written their letters.

ThePrincessRoyalFiggyrolls · 09/07/2011 11:27

For close friends I have written to them or the "inviter" to say thank you for a lovely day post wedding. It is only polite to do so especially if the generation above have been funding some of it too.

I also expect a thank you for gifts wedding or otherwise, it is a bugbear of mine not to recieve some form of thanks - again with close friends an email saying thanks is acceptable or a phone call, but a wedding/christening etc or some other big birthday I would expect a thank you through the post!

Piprabbit, your friend is quite rude! As is yours OP.

fluffles · 09/07/2011 11:28

we only did actual thankyou cards for oldie rellies who don't do email. everybody else got an email.
but then we didn't do favours, or bouquets or many of the other things that eat up the budget. we bought napkins and tea lights from ikea.. basically we spent all our budget on the food and drink which was outstanding, but we didn't have all the fancy trimmings..

however, our list was travel vouchers which we will use on our 1st anniversay and i plan to send everybody a postcard from our destination.