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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my DP should get over his disgust at changing shitty nappies?

209 replies

Melly20MummyToPoppy · 07/07/2011 23:03

seriously, our baby girl is 3 weeks old tomorrow and DP has changed ONE nappy. And that was only because she was wearing huggies and she weed and it leaked and i was at the post office. I keep asking/telling him to change her but he "just can't do it" as he "doesn't do shit" and it makes him feel sick. So AIBU to think he should just man up, grow a pair and get stuck in?

OP posts:
MotherPanda · 08/07/2011 13:31

NOBODY CUTS ME ANY SLACK!

Bruffin, Women, in general, can not choose to opt out of certain jobs in the house. So why is it that so many men can - and expect to be given a trophy for the jobs they do do.

Its True - just look at the posts on this thread.

Oh DH, I don't do laundry anymore... yeah... I'm just so useless at it... no its no use teaching me, I'll just forget...

flowery · 08/07/2011 13:32

But bruffin as far as I can tell the main problem is that Melly's DP has announced that he 'doesn't' do it, despite her frequently asking. It's not as if he's said he would really prefer not to and she's agreed to that arrangement. She hasn't and he is refusing to help with a basic childcare task. The fact that he does lots else round the house doesn't entitle him to unilaterally opt out of whatever unpleasant tasks he fancies.

bruffin · 08/07/2011 13:35

There is plenty DH can't opt out of. Ie working full time, so I can work part time. He drives I don't, so gets up a 5 in the morning to take DS to his school trip or goes out at 12 at night to pick up DS.

Andrewofgg · 08/07/2011 13:37

Bruffin: come off it. He should take his share of the rough with the smooth.

BumWiper · 08/07/2011 13:39

Wow he helps around the house he also lives in.Must have missed the memo that we were now living in the 1950,s.

Andrewofgg · 08/07/2011 13:41

Hit send too soon. Obviously if at the time of any particular change he is driving DS which OP is unable to do or of course is working then OP must do it, but he should take his share of the unpleasant jobs at other times.

And as every conscientious parent on this site knows, there is pleasure to be had in turning a wet, smelly, uncomfortable squealer into a warm, dry, comfortable and contented bundle of joy. If he would jsut do it he would learn that.

DirtyMartini · 08/07/2011 13:43

Bruffin, you are missing the point. I can only imagine you are doing it on purpose because the consensus of opinion would suggest that your dh isn't coming out of this very well either.

Totally disingenuous to make out that MNers think men have to be perfect. The opinion on this thread says no such thing. How is expecting a man not to announce he is opting out of a basic parenting task - laughably basic - expecting perfection?

It reads to me as if you are misrepresenting the argument most people are using, twisting it and derailing it with talk of all the other chores a man can/does do; those are beside the point.

The point is that any father who simply flat-out refuses to do something totally essential like changing a nappy is creating a situation in which he can never be left "holding the baby"; there must always be someone else around to perform the basic, kind and necessary task of keeping his baby free of its own soiled nappy. He just won't do it. That is, frankly, pretty screwed up.

MotherPanda · 08/07/2011 13:46

I suppose its all down to role models... women grew up probably seeing their mothers do everything to do with childcare/housework - wheras a lot of men grew up seeing their fathers work, and come home to relax.

So we need to teach this generation of men that there are no specific gender roles (other than those physically - ie women breastfeed).

if you allow menfolk to opt out of key roles, then your children will grow up to think that menfolk don't do those kind of jobs, and the cycle will continue.

EggyAllenPoe · 08/07/2011 13:47

that's it dirty martini...that last paragraph.

grovel · 08/07/2011 13:48

My DH gagged when he first started on nappies. On one occasion he was actually sick over DS. But he got there.

MotherPanda · 08/07/2011 13:49

Sorry - I realise that actually a large majority of men are fantastic fathers who do share the load (and relish in the warm fuzzy just cleaned bum cuddles) and get on with it without expecting a reward.

I was just shocked at posters who seemed to think that men who changed nappies were going above and beyond.

BumWiper · 08/07/2011 13:57

Thats it Panda like they deserve some sort of medal and national holiday for wiping poo.

IRCL · 08/07/2011 13:58

YANBU, It is basic care of your child which is a shared responsibility.

It says a lot about him if he cannot change his own child's nappy.

When me and Ex were together (wasn't DD's dad) he had no problem changing my DD, So your OH's excuse is weak.

DD's dad on the other hand, hasn't ever changed her. Prick. I think he thinks he is just there to entertain her. Hmm

Disclaime: I am aware I had a baby with an absolute arse. Sad

Original poster
Melly20MummyToPoppy · 08/07/2011 14:00

He actually does more housework than me Blush:o
I mainly clean the bathrooms, do my share of the cooking and I put the washing machine on.

OP posts:
BumWiper · 08/07/2011 14:02

Eh,hello you've just had a baby.

Bogeyface · 08/07/2011 14:03

So those who think its ok to opt out of those aspects of parenting that one finds difficult or disgusting, can I opt out weaning please?

Its messy and time consuming and I would much rather skip it and get involved again when DD has got it sorted and can feed herself. Can I do that? I know it means that she will only eat solid food when DH is here and it means that he wont be able to go anywhere without her or leave me with her, but thats ok isnt it? Because I do so much other stuff, including changing nappies, that I dont have to do weaning if I dont want to do I?

Dorje · 08/07/2011 14:04

My DH never ever changed a nappy.

He really is useless at it and tbh he is good at other things - like carrying her and playing with her at the playground and swinging her so I let it go.

Life is too short to force people to do things they're no good at just to be vindictive. Be more imaginative. Don't listen to the posters who are having a laugh at you and your situation. The Ho Ho Ho just wait until she's on solids posts are not helpful.

People have different abilities, and if he says he doesn't do shit, then it's up to you to do it, or your DD will suffer.

My Dh got up with our DD at night and did his best, but he's not very dexterous - he drops things and is a bit klutzy, and I could see that he was being honest when he said he'd rather not change her nappy.

Be flexible. your relationship isn't based on perfect equal treatment, but equality. Use your brains and quit grinding your axe.

DirtyMartini · 08/07/2011 14:06

Being a good father is not a trading system though, you can't just be like "I will do the following household tasks, the ones I get a lot of points for because they are seen as "extra" for men, but I won't do the ONE thing that would allow me to be in sole charge of my child for any length of time".

oohjarWhatsit · 08/07/2011 14:09

he is good at other things - like carrying her and playing with her at the playground and swinging her

Hmm

runs off laughing

MotherPanda · 08/07/2011 14:10

and if he says he doesn't do shit, then it's up to you to do it, or your DD will suffer.

Shock Shock Shock Shock

RitaMorgan · 08/07/2011 14:10

Isn't it amazing how there are so many men out there who are just no good at nappy changing/washing up/cooking/cleaning - and yet women are just naturally able to do these simple tasks? Evolution is a funny thing.

IRCL · 08/07/2011 14:11

He is good at carrying her? And playing with her? So basically all the nice bits, whilst you get the shit? Hmm

Seriously it is basic care of your child. Confused

I mean I know my Ex is a knob, not about to call him a good father to try and excuse his knob like behaviour.

DirtyMartini · 08/07/2011 14:11

"if he says he doesn't do shit, then it's up to you to do it, or your DD will suffer."

So if he flat-out refuses to do a basic part of baby care, and the baby suffers, it's the mother's fault? How ridiculous, Dorje. It's not "grinding an axe" to disagree with such a blatantly silly notion.

I can't believe you think it is reasonable for a father to basically never be able to have sole charge of his child until the child is out of nappies, because he "doesn't do shit" Hmm.

Like many others on this thread, I am oh so glad I'm not with one of these lame-ass sexist passive-aggressive poo-fearing men.

MotherPanda · 08/07/2011 14:13

Rita - it is amazing how we have evolved to understand nappies, something that isn't exactly natural.

People who claim to be no good at simple skills like washing up, nappy changing or laundry need to be taught how, and they need to practice.

BumWiper · 08/07/2011 14:14

Oh good idea BF.
I would like to opt out of ages 2 to 5.Cause the tantrums do my nut in.And also the teen years.

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