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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my DP should get over his disgust at changing shitty nappies?

209 replies

Melly20MummyToPoppy · 07/07/2011 23:03

seriously, our baby girl is 3 weeks old tomorrow and DP has changed ONE nappy. And that was only because she was wearing huggies and she weed and it leaked and i was at the post office. I keep asking/telling him to change her but he "just can't do it" as he "doesn't do shit" and it makes him feel sick. So AIBU to think he should just man up, grow a pair and get stuck in?

OP posts:
swallowedAfly · 08/07/2011 11:24

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ipswichwitch · 08/07/2011 11:24

my OH has been in training for the nappy changing when our little ones arrive in about 15weeks by cleaning up the cats offerings in her litter tray. IME thats far worse than any poopy nappy i've ever had to deal with!! think he's finally starting to become immune, def a lot less gagging n face pulling than there use to be :)

anonacfr · 08/07/2011 11:28

Actually there is not a lot to parenting babies. Newborns spend their life eating sleeping and shitting quite frankly.

And if the OP's partner called her at the post office because he couldn't handle one wee-ey nappy that had leaked (which meant his DD would have been uncomfotable) than he's not being a supportive partner. Newborn pee doesn't even smell FGS.

He does do what he can with her besides feeding and nappies. Which, admittedly isn't much, what else can you do with a 3 week old baby?

This from the OP herself.

dreamingbohemian · 08/07/2011 11:28

Why pick on the one thing he won't do -- because it's the stinkiest bit and he's leaving it all for his partner. He's not saying, oh I won't do baths because I hate water, or oh I won't play with her because I hate laughing.

motherinferior · 08/07/2011 11:31

Nappies can be utterly revolting. I absolutely dreaded nappies before I had babies. I rather loved those weekends when I changed very few nappies.

But you can't 'not do nappies'. As a parent, you just can't, not and consider yourself a full hands-on partner. And not one single mother on this thread has said 'oh, I didn't do them'.

Scholes34 · 08/07/2011 11:36

Tell him to get over it. At three weeks, it's not even proper poo yet - just cheese.

baddyfreckleface · 08/07/2011 11:40

Wow! Maybe I should leave my lovely supportive, hard working husband. If he had to of course he would change her. He does wet nappies often. I am pretty sure that if I fell under a bus tomorrow he wouldn't put dd up for adoption because of the odd dirty nappy. Just as if he was out and my dd was sick I wouldn't leave her sitting in it until he came home.
Of course I go out, it's just that so far he has been very lucky!

We have an arrangement and it works for us

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 08/07/2011 11:41

at 'cheese'

Original poster
Melly20MummyToPoppy · 08/07/2011 11:42

I think the main reason I end up allowing him to get away with it is when she does a poo it's mean to argue over whose turn it is all the while poor poppy is sat there getting sore. Which isn't fair on her. He is a good dad despite the nappy changing. She even pooed on him in the bath last night, he just went 'ohh poppy!' and rinsed it off, he didn't actually seem that bothered Hmm

OP posts:
aliceliddell · 08/07/2011 11:45

Isn't it a marvellous aspect of Nature's plan for us that he process of giving birth automatically changes the perception of shit to one of lovely joyousness?

Original poster
Melly20MummyToPoppy · 08/07/2011 11:46

I don't recall saying he called me at the post office. He changed her, because she weed and it leaked out!

OP posts:
anonacfr · 08/07/2011 11:49

As mentioned before no-one's disputing the fact that he's a good dad.

It's about the support you don't get. You seem to know it too as you call him selfish and acknowledge you let him 'get away with it'.
If you actually ask him point blank why you're the one who ends up having to change the dirty nappies, what does he say? If you tell him that you hate changing nappies but it has to be done- what's his reaction?

biddysmama · 08/07/2011 11:58

lol my dh was like this with dd... then one day she had a tummy upsey and had a massive explosion all over him! he was covered in it! theres never been a nappy worse than that , he even changed ds2s newborn tar nappies, aybe he just needs time to get used to it?

swallowedAfly · 08/07/2011 12:14

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swallowedAfly · 08/07/2011 12:18

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superjobeespecs · 08/07/2011 12:27

OH and i have our roles sorted for when DS arrives, im getting up with bab thru the night (im a rubbish sleeper anyway and am used to being up half the night) and in the morning he is to take DD to school because there is no way im getting showered and dressed and fed with the kids before 9 am cos im a lazy sod :) he's to bath the baby as my back is fecked plus i remember from DD it kills to bend when you've just gave birth. we also decided that if bab was a boy he'd do the majority of the changing as the only boy baby ive changed in the last 10 yrs is my nephew and even then its been a while and im scared of their wee balls Blush i think your OH needs to man up and get a grip he cant 'not do poo' when you have a baby and as pps have mentioned its only gonna get worse when you start weaning your DD. he shouldve thought about his 'not doint poo' before making the decision to become a parent imo good luck giving him a kick up the arse and i think you should tell your mum!! my mums great at nagging to death reminding everyone of anything she feels they should be doing Grin

hester · 08/07/2011 12:40

We're back to broken windows theory: if you let him get away with this, you are opening the door to much bigger opt-outs in the future. It is not the same as a mutually agreed division of labour, because OP's dp did not negotiate a deal with her over this, he has just said that he won't do it. He is claiming the right to make those choices for himself, and not leaving her with any choice whatsoever. If he's said to her, "I know it's ridiculous, but I have a complete freaking horror of poo. I understand that there are times when I will have to do a nappy, but can you see any kind of deal where you take the lion's share of them in return for me doing something else - like, all the washing up?" But he hasn't, had he? He's just decided that his preferences are important and hers are not.

And, as MI points out, none of us knows any women who have done this. It is a male tactic, like doing washing up badly.

nocake · 08/07/2011 12:51

A bloke chipping in here.... My Mum told me that my Dad never changed a nappy, even going as far as taking 1 year old me to a neighbour when I needed changing. It seems like your DP is stuck in the early 70s. Tell him that real men now change nappies, sing nursery rhymes, carry the baby in a sling, push a buggy and 101 other things that are part of having a baby.

But of course if he hasn't got the balls for it...... Hmm

superjobeespecs · 08/07/2011 12:55

true, OP is there any chance of him agreeing to some sort of deal here? if his poo hatred is as strong as he makes out is there something he would do with DD or at home so you dont have to? its just bloody unfair when men do this my best friends man is like this he wont dress the baby because he's scared of hurting her (she is now almost 13 months old Hmm) he wont change her bum full stop because she's a girl (tho his little sister is 7 and he changed her arse when she was wee Confused) in fact all he ever did was make her bottles and play playstation but that is a whoooole other thing in itself

MotherPanda · 08/07/2011 12:55

Right - if your DP won't change nappies, then he needs to take on an extra job to pay for a live in nanny who will change nappies and potty train, and take care of any accidents later on.

He obviousley can't care for a dog, if he can't care for a baby.

I am shocked by those who think its cruel to force there partners to change nappies - it is cruel of your partners to neglect the basic needs of their children!

What do your partners do in the early days, if you are breastfeeding?

Grrrr! (Thanks the stars for her lovely DH)

DirtyMartini · 08/07/2011 13:08

Yet another manchild thread. I despair sometimes.

He is being selfish, childish and pathetic, and indicating a basic lack of willingness to share responsibility with you, as well as a sad inability to get over his dislike of poo for the sake of making his baby comfortable and happy in the most basic way. Nappies are his JOB as a parent, just as they are your job.

If he doesn't do nappies, then he is never fully responsible for care of the baby. Which is probably exactly what he wants, whether consciously or otherwise. Same goes for anyone else on this thread whose partner/husband "opted out" of nappies.

Original poster
Melly20MummyToPoppy · 08/07/2011 13:17

He does do a fair amount of housework, dusting, hoovering, we share the cooking and he usually does the washing up, plus he does all the DIY and gardening, and there's a lot of gardening, he grows all our own veg. He's also looking after my rabbit till I can get down onto the floor to clean her out.

OP posts:
Andrewofgg · 08/07/2011 13:19

My father did not change mine; but he was blind and could not. But in the absence of any such excuse OP must make her DP face up to his duties - shit and all.

MotherPanda · 08/07/2011 13:23

Andrewofgg, I think we would all say that your father had a reasonable excuse there.

Melly - I'm sure you could think of an equally long list of things you do around the house as well though. Just because your DP isn't completley useless doesn't mean he should be excused!

bruffin · 08/07/2011 13:27

"He does do a fair amount of housework, dusting, hoovering, we share the cooking and he usually does the washing up, plus he does all the DIY and gardening, and there's a lot of gardening, he grows all our own veg. He's also looking after my rabbit till I can get down onto the floor to clean her out."

See this what I hate about mumsnet, men can do no good. He obviously does his fair share but nobody will cut him slack on one thing.
I suspect in 20 years time you dd will know what sort of dad she has and it won't be based around whether he changed her nappy or not.

I suspect there is no perfect mums on this thread but they expect the fathers to beHmm

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