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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my DP should get over his disgust at changing shitty nappies?

209 replies

Melly20MummyToPoppy · 07/07/2011 23:03

seriously, our baby girl is 3 weeks old tomorrow and DP has changed ONE nappy. And that was only because she was wearing huggies and she weed and it leaked and i was at the post office. I keep asking/telling him to change her but he "just can't do it" as he "doesn't do shit" and it makes him feel sick. So AIBU to think he should just man up, grow a pair and get stuck in?

OP posts:
amyboo · 08/07/2011 07:58

My FIL is another one who is proud that he's never changed a nappy. He literally goes into panic mode and stresses the minute one of his grandsons needs changing. Drives me absolutely spare. And under no circumstances would I ever let DH get away with that kind of behaviour! (although thankfully he's a split-things-down-the-middle kind of husband/dad, which is good!).

If you let him start picking which tasks he does/doesn't want to do now, you can only imagine what he'll be like in a few year... Probably end up like my FIL. A royal PITA who only wants to do playing, won't do feeding, nappies, bathtime, getting dressed/undressed, crying, etc etc....

IvyAndGold · 08/07/2011 08:14

DP does this too. Starts retching and saying he can't do it, but seems to suddenly be ok when i take over and he's sitting close by. got so fed up of the fuss i just do them now. to be fair, he does change a lot of the just wet ones, but it still really irritates me. keeps saying 'when we have have another one' but he can piss off, i'm not having another few years of doing ALL the shitty nappies and ALL the night feeds and ALL the 5am mornings.

TalcAndTurnips · 08/07/2011 08:17

It would be interesting to investigate how many women claim that they cannot change a dirty nappy; how many women retch and throw up on being forced to do so; how many women wait until their partner returns home to hand over a long sat-on soiled bottom. I suspect the number would be extremely small.

The expectations have to be laid out from the very start - I think AlsoAvailableSober put it very succinctly - "tell him he can't cherry pick aspects of parenting" - so true; if you're a parent, it covers all aspects of being a parent, not just the ones you find palatable.

OP - if you allow this situation to persist, imagine the difficulties you will encounter over the next few years of parenting! How will you manage when you wish to go somewhere alone, with your DP taking over the childcare?

If my DH had shown any reluctance to perform this simple, daily task, he would have gone down in my estimation a long, long way. It simply wasn't an option.

Original poster
Melly20MummyToPoppy · 08/07/2011 08:22

He's brilliant in every way apart from this problem. He does get up in the night if i need him which i usually do for burping because she just won't burp for me. He does bathtime too. He does do what he can with her besides feeding and nappies. Which, admittedly isn't much, what else can you do with a 3 week old baby? What really gets me aswell, is the fact that he wants a dog yet he "doesn't do shit"

OP posts:
Lady1nTheRadiator · 08/07/2011 08:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dreamingbohemian · 08/07/2011 08:48

He wipes his own arse, right?

Tell your mum. Tell the whole family. Tell the postman, the binman, anyone who will give him a bollocking. I agree with Lady, he is not brilliant at all.

bruffin · 08/07/2011 08:50

"He is not brilliant at all if he cannot change a nappy"

Of course he is if he does all Melly says. We all have our weaknesses his may be nappies, like my DH. But DH compesates for that weakness in other areas ie cleaning up sick.

baddyfreckleface · 08/07/2011 08:50

My dh has done one dirty nappy in two years. He genuinely can't face them. He does everything else. We quickly came to the agreement that I do all dirty nappies, he will do any sick-cleaning-up until she leaves home. Fine with me!

dreamingbohemian · 08/07/2011 09:01

Bruffin and Baddy, do you never leave your DC with your husband then? What would he do if god forbid you were ill or had to go away for a bit?

If it works for you, that's great, but I'm genuinely amazed that a man can go years without changing a dirty nappy.

fernier · 08/07/2011 09:01

My DH hates nappies too - he would never leave one of ours in a dirty one when he is in charge but if I am home he tends to suddenly have other pressing matters to attend to.

We have reached a formal agreement though - he deals with all child sick (which i hate) and cat poo/litter trays and I do most of the nappies - works well.

WriterofDreams · 08/07/2011 09:04

Before DS was born I made a deal with DH that I was in charge of the "in" (food) and he was in charge of the "out" (wee and poo). Seemed fair as I was breastfeeding and that takes a hell of a lot longer than changing a nappy. So when DH is here I pretty much don't do any nappies unless DH is busy with something.

FWIW I've changed adult nappies in a care unit for people with disabilities. It was horrible at first and I retched a lot but I got used to it. I think if you don't feel capable of doing the basic tasks required to look after a child then don't have children. Simple as that. A friend of mine kept making excuses for her DH and the worst one was "he just doesn't do babies." I got sick of the whole things I just flipped one day and said "why did he bloody have one then? If you said you didn't do babies and just gave up your DD would die for fuck's sake!!" She was very taken aback but later said the same thing to her DH who finally (very very slowly) bucked up his ideas. He was miles better with the second baby.

happygilmore · 08/07/2011 09:06

FFS you need to stop this right now. After my DD was born I was really, really ill and DH had to do most of the care for her (including all the nappies) for weeks. I have a really sensitive gag reflex and when I did start doing her nappies I used to retch at every dirty one, but you just have to get on with it, and sure enough after a few days, I stopped retching. Practice makes perfect - wait til he sees them when they start solids!

He needs to man up.

Lady1nTheRadiator · 08/07/2011 09:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

flowery · 08/07/2011 09:06

Strange how all these men 'can't face' or 'don't do' dirty nappies. No biological reason for that as far as I know...?

Can't believe so many women put up with it tbh.

HeavyHeidi · 08/07/2011 09:08

So what if you died in a car accident tomorrow, he would put the child up for adoption as he is totally and absolutely physically incapable of changing nappies? Or would he be capable then and just prefers not to do it, as he knows you will?

ScarletOHaHa · 08/07/2011 09:08

'just can't do it' - aka look after his child. Leaving babies in dirty nappies makes them sore. By saying he doesn't do dirty nappies is like saying 'won't take the best care of my baby' or 'I think my DW should do dirty jobs I don't want to.

It is a horrible job but it must be done - why not by him? How you divide the parenting load is up to you at the end of the day. My LO pooed at least 4 times a day and potty trained just before 2. That is a lot of nappies.

I predict a lot of wee, poo, snot, vomit etc in your future...

fernier · 08/07/2011 09:08

all of my children had reflux - and the oldest e coli at one point plus with 4 a fair few bouts of randomized sickness, we also had 3 cats so my end of the deal is fairly good.

EricNorthmansMistress · 08/07/2011 09:09

Bruffin

It's not brilliant to refuse to change a dirty nappy. I don't care if your H cleans up the (very occasional, by your admission) vom, you have cleaned up 1-2 poos every day for 2-3 years per child

You're making excuses in order to feel ok about your own lazy husband. And WRT you and vomit - if you were a LP you would do the vomit. I have a friend who is an emetephobe and vomits at the sight/sound. She retches and throws up while she's doing it, but she still cleans up her DD's sick because she is her mum and she has to

motherinferior · 08/07/2011 09:11

There are quite a lot of bits of parenting I would like to be able to say I "don't do", from childbirth onwards. Strangely enough, I have not had an option.

(And nor, to be fair to him, has Mr Inferior. Well, apart from childbirth obviously, which left his perineum intact Envy.)

happygilmore · 08/07/2011 09:11

Exactly, I still retch at times when I do a particularly offensive one, but I can hardly opt out of doing them, or she'd be sat in shit all day. It's one of those things you have to deal with when you have kids.

happygilmore · 08/07/2011 09:12

Motherinferior - I wanted to opt out of that bit too!

memphis83 · 08/07/2011 09:16

He wants a dog!!! Oh dear, DS is one and his nappies can be shocking, but when he was small it was sweet smelling and not bad at all, the dog on the other hand makes me heave with the mountains of shit he produces! What if you refuse and say to him you have decided YOU dont do shit!? My DH didnt have a choice I was ill in hospital and had to sort DS out when he did his first one all over him! Tell him to man up and grow a pair!!

Tenacity · 08/07/2011 09:17

Reading through this, it appears they are a lot very spoilt men aroundHmm

The biggest question though, is why do some women put up with it??

More fool to you if you let your spouse shirk their responsibilities, you deserve everything you get.

ImperialBlether · 08/07/2011 09:23

YABU at calling them "shitty nappies." Sounds disgusting, tbh.

swallowedAfly · 08/07/2011 09:31

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