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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be annoyed my DH had a naked private dance

371 replies

maybunny · 03/07/2011 22:03

OK my DH wasnt naked, but the stripper in the stripclub in Los Angeles was :-(
He went to LA on business (PR - so mostly socialising rather than what I consider 'work'!) last month, and he has only just told me that a colleague paid for him to have a private dance after they all went to a strip club. I was most annoyed because he had kept it a secret from me for a few weeks, and that he had put 'saving dace' in front of colleagues before my feelings.
He said he thought I would be a bit annoyed about it which was why he hadnt told me about it at the time (esp as I was having huge sleep problems with DD - ie surviving on 2 hours a night!)
I am so upset about this and apart from apologising (which he has done now he knows how I feel) I dont know wht he can do to make me feel better. I am realy struggling to forgive him.
:-(

OP posts:
TheFarSideOfFuck · 04/07/2011 21:22

projection is what I would call it

mauricetinkler · 04/07/2011 21:23

I told the truth, nothing to hide.

mauricetinkler · 04/07/2011 21:24

That A'Level in psychology is serving you proud TheFarSideOfFuck

TheFarSideOfFuck · 04/07/2011 21:38

it's not rocket science, maurice Wink

smallwhitecat · 04/07/2011 21:52

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mauricetinkler · 04/07/2011 22:05

Let me clarify something SWC. I didnt do anything sordid in Amsterdam. If I'd been single, for sure. But I'm married with a small child.
However, I am only relating what I found out on the plane on the way home. They were nearly all at it (me and a really young lad were the only ones who werent from what I could gather). This confirmed what I have seen on countless such trips/hols over the years. So many blokes I have known...it's like they are completely different people when the wife/partner is not around. Hard to explain really. Have a go at me, call you names if you like, I am only telling it like it is.

smallwhitecat · 04/07/2011 22:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

mauricetinkler · 04/07/2011 22:11

How so SWC?

smallwhitecat · 04/07/2011 22:15

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ledkr · 04/07/2011 22:18

Sorry to but in but maurice you were fairly credible untill you started to suggest that mals dh was up to more than he was letting on.You say you have a young child which maybe incorrectly implys you are aslo fairly newly wed,mal speak svery openly on these boards about certain things and its alway obviousl to me that she has a very healthy marriage and of course knowws her dh better than anyone. My dh knows men like you have described but after many years together i know 100% he wouldnt do anything of this nature cos i just do.We have an intimacy and understanding of each other that comes from years of respect and trust,I am sorry if you have not experienced that yet,i hope you achieve it one day.

ledkr · 04/07/2011 22:19

oops typing in the dark, apologies.

TheFarSideOfFuck · 04/07/2011 22:28

led...have you had the leccy cut off Wink

this is AF, btw

ledkr · 04/07/2011 22:31

oh,i did wonder. Nah stupid baby still in with me and wakes up at the drop of a hat or the flick of a light switch.dh is reading his book with a pink princess clip on reading light Grin Glad to see you name changed to something less offensive [wink} where is Maurice?
Bbay will be evicted soon and normal mn service can be resumed,i miss the late night threads.

TheFarSideOfFuck · 04/07/2011 22:40

this is just a temporary name, led

it tickled my fancy Smile

mauricetinkler · 04/07/2011 22:43

You are right ledkr - I overstepped the mark with Malificence SORRY.
Just a point tho re your sentiments re your partner. Would you not agree that many women think exactly like you - ie he is my soul mate etc - right up until point said partner is unfaithful?

ledkr · 04/07/2011 22:47

Yes i do think about that when i see the cheating arseholes but they are also the ones who believe dh slept on a mates sofa,or needs his lads holidays.In my house if you cant find your way home then dont bother again and have your lads holidays before you are married.
Theres trust and then theres is being a see you next Tuesday imho Grin

ledkr · 04/07/2011 22:48

af,was it one of your well coined phrases or did you poach it?

ledkr · 04/07/2011 22:50

Maurice,my dh also knows that i would kick him out in a heartbeat cos ive done it before-not with him-he would do the same to me.

mauricetinkler · 04/07/2011 22:54

Ah well, good luck to ya ledkr

TheFarSideOfFuck · 04/07/2011 22:59

I pinched it, led, absolutely shamelessly Grin

maurice, my DH simply does not move in any circles where the sex-trade is utilised at all

I am well aware that going to strip clubs, lap dancing establishments and paying women to swallow their disgust of you is de rigeur in certain circles

but not in my circle, not in DH's circle and not in our life in any way at all

unless he is accessing these places in his lunch hour in our local backwater and popping into the neighbourhood brothel on his way home from work (while his car-share partner waits outside), it ain't happening

perhaps he is leading a double life but since we share finances, am not sure how he is paying for it

diotima · 04/07/2011 23:48

ledkr "We have an intimacy and understanding of each other that comes from years of respect and trust"

It is possible, and I'm very glad to hear it.

I hope you will agree, though, that while the demands and threats are necessary for understanding, they are insufficient for respect and trust. Put another way: you can't coerce someone to be respectful and trustworthy by stating that you insist upon it on pain of death, etc. But you can invite someone to enter freely into that kind of relationship and undertake to do the same. By saying you enter freely, the promise each of you makes is to yourself more than to the other. The respect and trust comes from knowing that the other person will attend to him/herself in order to fulfil that promise, so you don't have to. Such a person is worthy of respect and trust. Nothing else works.

I agree with your comment about cheating arseholes of both sexes (I gather they are pretty evenly split).

Tallulah1978 · 04/07/2011 23:56

Have been reading this thread with great interest and to be honest shock at the responses. I had no idea that what seems to be the majority of wives felt so strongly about their husbands visiting strip clubs, to the point of divorce. Really? I will tell you the side of the fence I am coming from. I have been with my DP for twelve years, we have a 3 yr old and one on the way. When we had been together for a year I list my job as a PA quite suddenly and to cut a long story short, I worked as a pole/lapdancer for 18 months. I am a respectable humanbeing and I do not consider that at any point did I work as a prostitute. Some of you who are shouting the loudest need to realise that a huge cross section of the male population visit lapdancing clubs, whether they tell you about it or not. Intelligent, self respecting, working class, middle stump anglican whatever. I think some of you should open your eyes a little wider as you peer out of your ivory towers.

Just to add, I do not loathe myself, nor do I have a drug addiction. I have gone on to have a successful career and now run my own family business. If any of you have any sensible questions about what actually goes on in a strip club, I will be happy to answer them.

Mare11bp · 05/07/2011 06:37

Well said Tallulah I agree with your sentiments entirely,tho have never worked in a lap dance club myself. I don't really like the thought of my man looking at another naked woman but I wouldn't consider it cheating or a slur on me or our relationship.
I too have been shocked at the responses on here I had no idea that partners or husbands going to a strip club wld be treated so seriously as far as the relationship was concerned.
And no lads holidays ledkr, why not? I am quite a jealous person but feel that the sustainability of my relationship is dependent on me allowing DP to spend time on his own with friends - he goes on a lads weekend annually and also has a stag do next year. I have a mate who is 40 next year and we are planning a trip to Vegas. DD (yet unborn) will be 10 months by then.
Honestly, I wonder if this is why (sometimes) men cheat, they feel trapped because they their other halves will kick off about this and other small things.

Ps in case anyone thinks I am mad yes I would finish with him for cheating on me.

ledkr · 05/07/2011 06:52

well we dont feel its necessary,we have 2 small children both work in stressfull jobs and save money all yr to have "big holidays"eg. next yr 3 months travelling around the world. I am off to dubai too in Feb to visit friends and took dd1 to paris 2 weeks ago,dh does similar things-has family abroad etc,we just dont feel the need to take separate piss ups,probably cos we had both done it all when we met and for a few yrs afterwards together.He doesnt even drink now and those types of holiday are his worst nightmare.I dont think you are mad at all what works for you is right its just not for everyone.

ledkr · 05/07/2011 06:55

I also think that cheating on your partner is about a whole lot more than not going on a stag do or lads holiday.