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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be annoyed my DH had a naked private dance

371 replies

maybunny · 03/07/2011 22:03

OK my DH wasnt naked, but the stripper in the stripclub in Los Angeles was :-(
He went to LA on business (PR - so mostly socialising rather than what I consider 'work'!) last month, and he has only just told me that a colleague paid for him to have a private dance after they all went to a strip club. I was most annoyed because he had kept it a secret from me for a few weeks, and that he had put 'saving dace' in front of colleagues before my feelings.
He said he thought I would be a bit annoyed about it which was why he hadnt told me about it at the time (esp as I was having huge sleep problems with DD - ie surviving on 2 hours a night!)
I am so upset about this and apart from apologising (which he has done now he knows how I feel) I dont know wht he can do to make me feel better. I am realy struggling to forgive him.
:-(

OP posts:
diotima · 04/07/2011 19:13

Takeresponsibility You are a very smart person.

TheFarSideOfFuck · 04/07/2011 19:30

that is strange, TR because it was the Op who was seeking advice, not the people here answering her

when you are sure in yourself, you shouldn't need to ask a question such as this one

unfortunately some women do buy into the "you just have to suck it up and pretend to be cool about strip clubs" (which seems to be the kind of pressure that OP is coming under in RL)

well, I say "fuck that" and I will carry on telling every woman that I ever see asking this question the same thing

then you get people like terby telling her "she will just have to come to terms with it"

well, I say, you don't have to do anything you are not comfortable with, and many women are not comfortable with this

so "fuck that" too

TheFarSideOfFuck · 04/07/2011 19:33

maurice, there is nothing "snobbish" about having contempt for groups of unmarried and married men who go to Amsterdam to shag prostitutes

I would say that was a perfectly reasonable intellectual and emotional response to that fact

aliceliddell · 04/07/2011 19:40

Maurice - I am not a man, I have never been on a stag trip to Amsterdam. However, I am immediately aware of what the two words 'Stag' and 'amsterdam' imply. I presume you had some idea of what might ensue? You still chose to go and collude with the situation. Are you seriously suggesting you never heard about trafficking into Amsterdam? That you would instinctively know whic h women were doing it willingly?

Malificence · 04/07/2011 19:53

I wonder why Maurice is denying that men are unable to withstand peer pressure? It must make him feel better when he lies to his wife's face about what he did in Amsterdam.

"it is always the quiet, dedicated family man types"
I doubt it somehow, for one thing those men don't tend to go on stag weekends because they prefer being with their families.

MoreBeta · 04/07/2011 19:55

Malificence - to be fair to Maurice, I think all he is pointing out is that not all the men in these places are single men without a girlfriend. Not all of them go home and tell their DP/DW/GF what they have been up to either.

Mare11bp · 04/07/2011 19:57

I consider myself quite a jealous person, but OP I think every situation can be risk assessed if you catch my drift.

It wasn't an affair, the men are not allowed to touch, he may have been embarrassed, and must have had guts to tell you (which arguably he didn't have to do).

I wouldn't spend too much time dwelling on this and just see it for what it is, bit of flesh with no extras.

Far more worrying and risky in my opinion is the bloke chatting away with old female friends on Facebook, or getting pally with a female at work for instance. It's this type of thing that I wouldn't stand for.

smallwhitecat · 04/07/2011 20:01

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TheFarSideOfFuck · 04/07/2011 20:03

me too, swc

Mare11bp · 04/07/2011 20:04

I ended up drunk once with a male friend in a strip joint and we had a private dance. Can't remember much of it but think it was ok. I think good luck to the girls who do it as they art working in a proper licensed establishment and of their own free will.

terby · 04/07/2011 20:05

Very sorry TheFarSideOfFuck, I should have been more clear. She will just have to come to terms with it if she doesnt want to end/ruin the relationship over it. It seems pretty obvious to me. Lets look at the positive here. He was honest about it. Many many men and women lie in these situations. I say dont beat him about the head with it forever. In time, I hope you will feel easier about it. It may be that like me, you will need to see it to take the sting out of it.

Original poster
maybunny · 04/07/2011 20:06

Morebeta - you pretty much hit tha nail on the head with your original post, as this is what DH has pretty much said to me about it (in fact, you not actually by DH in disguise are you???! Only joking)
We have talked and talked about it (I am quite persistant when Im upset) and have asked all the why did you do it, why not say no etc... and he just says he 'doesnt really know' he 'felt rebellious' and was 'a bit drunk'.
He says he 'thought he could handle it' but found it all seedy and felt bad afterwards and couldnt talk to his 'friend' in the taxi on the way back to the hotel as he felt so awkward.
Still dont have much sympathy for him, as all of this sounds so pathetic to me. He has promised not to go again, and all I can do is trust him, and hope that it doesnt turn out that he goes, but just doesnt tell me that time to avoid the fallout! I do believe he wont do it again though, as he isnt normally like this. I think he is having a midlife crisis (at 34?!) and I wont be letting him forget this for a long time. He knows he has some major work to do to get things back on track.
Thank you everyone for your replies - very interesting reading!

OP posts:
smallwhitecat · 04/07/2011 20:07

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TheFarSideOfFuck · 04/07/2011 20:17

ok, terby, it sounds better when you finish the sentence

although I reckon the "confession" was a coerced one...perhaps he spilled because he thought someone else would ?

OP...what will he do next time he is a "bit drunk" and "feels rebellious" ??

rebellious against what ? what does he need to rebel against, exactly, and how does have a naked young lady dance for him assuage that "rebellious" feeling ?

who was he figuratively sticking two fingers up to ?

you ? women in general ? not sure how that makes him look any better at all...

do you know what, sometimes the things people say in an attempt at mitigation, just make them look worse not better

OP...have you shown him this thread ? What would he say in response to it ?

Malificence · 04/07/2011 20:29

"I know the sort of men who frequent these places and I wouldn't let them empty my bins, much less live in my house"

Amen to that SWC.

My DH thinks the men who brag about going to strip clubs are sad and pathetic and funnily enough they are not quiet, dedicated family men, they are prats who are either terminally inadequate single or divorced ( I wonder why? Wink ).

smallwhitecat · 04/07/2011 20:32

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MoreBeta · 04/07/2011 20:41

maybunny - well I'm glad you managed to wring the truth out of him. Just one final thing, try not to bring it up again every time you have a disagreement. He feels bad and so he should but don't hold it over him for ever. Work out what he should do/say next time he is faced with this situation, get a firm promise and a solid agreement with him, then bury the hatchet and move on.

TheFarSideOfFuck · 04/07/2011 20:45

yes, OP, you have to help him be a better man and coach him how to resist peer pressure Hmm

hang on a minute, I do that with my 11yo ds

'nuff said

mauricetinkler · 04/07/2011 21:04

Malificence My DH thinks the men who brag about going to strip clubs are sad and pathetic and funnily enough they are not quiet, dedicated family men, they are prats who are either terminally inadequate single or divorced ( I wonder why? ).
I wouldn't be so cock-sure about the trustworthiness of your own fella Malificence. He he may well be trying to put you off the scent with such bluster.

TheFarSideOfFuck · 04/07/2011 21:10

house!!!!

I claim my sex-trade bingo prize

"Your husband is a liar and probably has a whole other life you know nothing about"

yep

I could retire on my bingo winnings from sad fucks like you, maurice Smile

Malificence · 04/07/2011 21:15

Here we go again, if I had a tenner for every sad git who has tried to tell me the way it really is, ooh, I'd have at least 50 quid.

Are you all off the same production line? it's almost word for word every time.

I've got more faith in my knowledge of my husband of 26 years than in your musings matey boy. Wink

Malificence · 04/07/2011 21:17

Aww shucks, farside - you beat me to it! Grin

So predictable, sad really.

mauricetinkler · 04/07/2011 21:17

I always get suspicious when a women says, "well my [insert hub's name] says..." blah blah. As if what hub says is fecking gospel or whatever.

HellBunny · 04/07/2011 21:18

YANBU. He knew you'd be pissed and did it anyway. Seriusly shitty behaviour...

Malificence · 04/07/2011 21:20

That'll be because you lied to your wife's face when you told her all
nothing about the Amsterdam stag do then?

Liars are always suspicious.