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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think twice about Breast F I public after this?

143 replies

joric · 18/06/2011 17:44

Ok- just posted this on old thread..after reading one page of breast is best v formula mummies fighting - had enough... However, this is what happened to us last week and it made me think...
Out with friend who, after having several miscarriages had a still born two weeks ago. She is devastated. I have always thought each to their own with breastfeeding, can't stand the smuggies but do what you need to do. However, saw a different perspective last week when we were eating lunch and a woman came in with her DH and sat right next to us and openly breastfed her baby. My friend just couldn't speak and we had to leave. People have the right to feed their babies of course but this just made me think....

OP posts:
TakeMeDrunkImHome · 18/06/2011 17:47

Your poor friend. People still have a right to feed their babies though and she will have to get used to it. I don't mean that in a heartless way at all but she can't expect people to somehow know about her horrible losses and she is going to see babies everywhere whether they are being fed or not.

lettinggo · 18/06/2011 17:47

But don't you think she would have been just as devastated seeing a baby being ff? Wasn't it the baby itself that would have caused her pain, not the mode of feeding the baby?

smashinghairday · 18/06/2011 17:48

OMG!!!!

You saw a bit of a breast! Jeesus Christ woman are you okay??? have you phoned the Samaritins??

God, you will be scarred for life.

How very DARE she FEED HER CHILD NEAR YOU !!

And she used a REAL BREAST???? A REAL one?? Not cows milk from a rubber tit ??

Jeez. No wonder you're traumatised.

I hope you stared at her to make her feel uncomfortable and embarrassed. Better still, did you complain loudly about the dirty bitch and maybe swear at her?? I hope so. You have to put these smuggies in their place.

OiYouThere · 18/06/2011 17:48

But I am so sorry for your friend. :(

DilysPrice · 18/06/2011 17:49

Oh don't be ludicrous. What if she'd snuggled her baby, sung it a song, played peekaboo, had it giggle adorably at her? Would that be inappropriate because it might make a bereaved parent want to die?

Being out and about when you've lost your own baby is always going to be hell. Your friends and family can be sensitive and not flaunt their babies but the rest of the world will not. It has fuck all to do with bf.

smashinghairday · 18/06/2011 17:50

I've had miscarriages and it's shit but I 1) Don't expect everyone who is pregnant or has a baby to stay inside for six months or 2) Women not to feed next to me.

RitaMorgan · 18/06/2011 17:50

What's your point - no one should bring their babies out on public in case it upsets women who have had stillbirths/miscarriages?

Should pregnant women hide their bumps for fear of upsetting infertile women too?

smashinghairday · 18/06/2011 17:51

Her point is that a " smuggie" dared to feed her baby using her breasts.

StewieGriffinsMom · 18/06/2011 17:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cutelittlecatlover · 18/06/2011 17:56

Sad for your friend but I think yabu. If the woman had not fed her baby he/she would most likely have screamed the place down which would also have upset your friend.

meditrina · 18/06/2011 17:58

I think she's pointing out what is easily forgotten - seeing the intimacy of breastfeeding (FF not the same) in the immediate aftermath of the death of a baby, when your body still has post-natal symptoms, is just devastating. It is an additional unique visceral pull - not like seeing a baby or a bump.

Seeing breastfeeding when you have just had a breast cancer diagnosis is also really, really tough.

People should feed their babies where and when necessary. But the unusually vulnerable do not come with a signpost pointing this out. That person reacting oddly might not be a bigot - they might be someone grieving and right on the edge.

darleneoconnor · 18/06/2011 17:58

I really fail to see how it is more upsetting seeing bfing as opposed to ffing Confused

emsyj · 18/06/2011 17:58

I don't know what your point is really. Your friend must be devastated, but I don't see that that has anything to do with bf in public.

twoboots · 18/06/2011 18:02

joric so sorry to hear about your friend, but this is obviously your issue, i'm very sorry that you can't stand the smugness of it all.

HeidiKat · 18/06/2011 18:04

YABU sorry, you said yourself that people have the right to feed their babies, what exactly did you expect the breastfeeding woman to do instead?

DilysPrice · 18/06/2011 18:04

I agree meditrina that it's useful to remember that the woman who doesn't give up her seat for you on the tube when you're pregnant, or who lets a door slam back rather than holding it open for your buggy, or gives you a filthy look when you bf may not just be a bitch, she may be in agony - maybe give her the benefit of the doubt.

Doesn't mean that your buggy/bump/bf are unreasonable though of course.

faverolles · 18/06/2011 18:05

Must be awful for your friend, but on that reasoning, maybe all women should hide away the moment they are visibly pregnant until the baby is walking. Maybe healthy people should stay at home in case they upset the ill people.
I'm sorry, but that is a ridiculous argument.

confuddledDOTcom · 18/06/2011 18:05

I've been there. I had miscarriages then my baby died in my arms at 3 hrs old, only 5 days after my niece was born. I took the decision that to b
e upset about someone else's baby was as logical as being upset at an adults existence. Wasn't always easy, I had my niece dumped on me a few times which was awful - first the casual dumping without regard to my feelings, I wasn't allowed to feel upset as SIL lost a baby at 6 weeks, then having to care for a baby days older than mine.

However I now have three living children and I still breastfeed in public. I won't make exceptions for some mythological bereaved mother anymore than I expected others to for me. I have all the empathy in the world for bereaved mothers but my babies need feeding.

DaisyDaresYOU · 18/06/2011 18:05

Are people supposed to be mind readers?? Yes it's sad for your friend but the breast feeding mum has a right to feed in public.She can't possibly know whats happened to your friend.I feel sorry for both women in the situation

MrsDimples · 18/06/2011 18:07

When my grandparents died I was horrendously offended & completely devastated every time I saw any old people, how very dare they be seen in public when I was dealing with my own grief!

scottishmummy · 18/06/2011 18:08

two separate issues
1.legitimately feeling sensitised about bereavement

  1. a mum innocuously feeding.she couldnt possibly have know
smashinghairday · 18/06/2011 18:08

I'm not sure when being in agony yourself was a reason to allow a pregnant woman to stand or shoot a bfeeding mother a filthy look.

I'm not easily shocked but I fond trying to justify that sort of behaviour towards another woman, quite shocking.

MoonGirl1981 · 18/06/2011 18:09

You could say the same about a bereaved dog owner seeing another dog owner playing 'fetch'.

It really can't be helped. Babies need feeding!!

peanutbutterkid · 18/06/2011 18:11

YABU

TheCrackFox · 18/06/2011 18:13

YABU

I am very sorry for your friend but other women aren't mind readers and you can't expect nursing mothers to stay indoor just in the off chance they upset someone.

Furthermore, why would a BF mother upset a bereaved mother more than a FF mother? Confused