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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think twice about Breast F I public after this?

143 replies

joric · 18/06/2011 17:44

Ok- just posted this on old thread..after reading one page of breast is best v formula mummies fighting - had enough... However, this is what happened to us last week and it made me think...
Out with friend who, after having several miscarriages had a still born two weeks ago. She is devastated. I have always thought each to their own with breastfeeding, can't stand the smuggies but do what you need to do. However, saw a different perspective last week when we were eating lunch and a woman came in with her DH and sat right next to us and openly breastfed her baby. My friend just couldn't speak and we had to leave. People have the right to feed their babies of course but this just made me think....

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 19/06/2011 10:54

If you are just contemplating your own decision, it is interesting that you felt the need to express that contemplation as question on a forum that invites discussion. And then be indignant that people discuss that same issue.

Do you not get the whole discussion board thing?

Perhaps if you have a thought that you don't want people to comment upon, an open forum is not the best place? Just a thought Grin

Longtime · 19/06/2011 10:58

Wow! You've had quite some reactions to your OP joric. I also read between the lines but immediately came to the conclusion that she was more upset about the breastfeeding because she would still be producing milk (shame you hadn't spelt that out in the OP for some posters as they may have been more understanding on the bf/ff issue) so can understand where you're coming from.

I agree 100% with Lunaticfringe's reply though. Around my due date (miscarriage at 12 weeks), I got upset if I saw very pregnant women. I couldn't ask them all to hide though and if you want to breastfeed in public, then do so. I'm sure you'll be able to distinguish between the cat's bum face of those who disapprove and the face of those who are upset.

Original poster
joric · 19/06/2011 11:06

No, I agree and disagree with points made- no discussion if everyone agrees on everything.
Smashing- my thoughts are -A BF mother has (and should not be expected to have) any idea about other's situation or the reasons for reactions to a situation - it's not her problem- a BFmother should do nothing other than what she has to do. Equally, a BF mother should not automatically assume that everyone has a problem with BF if they don't want to be around when it's happening - that their choice to remove themselves can often be due to other circumstances and not just because they are a bitch.

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Original poster
joric · 19/06/2011 11:08

Longtime :)

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WidowWadman · 19/06/2011 11:17

Is breastfeeding really that much more intimate than ff? Most of the time I usually just plug my baby in in the least obvious manner (unless I'm at home without visitors where I let them swing freely) and then keep on doing whatever I was doing anyway, so I don't think that is any more close or whatever than using a bottle.

Original poster
joric · 19/06/2011 11:31

Both intimate- BF for 2 years - bottle top up for last 6 mths.

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Original poster
joric · 19/06/2011 11:32

Me that is :)

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confuddledDOTcom · 19/06/2011 12:24

I'm impressed and I think you may be owed an award! A BF thread in AIBU that's got a unanimous response!

Tell your friend to ask her GP or midwife for the medication to dry up her milk. I can't find what it's called, they don't give it out to everyone who chooses not to breastfeed from what I know but a bereaved mum should get it.

Even though I took the pill when my baby was born I had such an overwhelming desire to put her to the breast it hurt not to - although she was alive we knew she would die because she was too young and it would have been like trying to breastfeed a Barbie doll as that's about the right size. Honestly everything hurt, as others have said people not appreciating their babies most. People bottle feeding, throwing away what I'd been so desperate to do. Even a block of cheese made me cry because it was exactly the same weight as her. Milk or no milk I'd just lost my baby.

So if you think twice next time what do you hope to achieve? Are you going to not feed your baby in case it upsets someone? Where does it end though? Others have given lots of examples of things that could potentially upset other people can we avoid it all?

Original poster
joric · 19/06/2011 13:49

:) confuddled.. It still got me thinking though!

OP posts:
smashinghairday · 19/06/2011 17:34

Thinking what?

iggitwotimes · 19/06/2011 17:46

Of how to wind people up on aibu, Smashing.

iggitwotimes · 19/06/2011 17:46

Of how to wind people up on aibu, Smashing.

SauvignonBlanche · 19/06/2011 17:49

They don't automatically prescribe medication to dry up milk, I was very badly engorged and leaking after my stillbirth but was advised to try and do without drugs if possible due to increased risk of DVT. The breast pain was the least of it.
Joric I'm finding this highly contrived thead to be most distasteful.

confuddledDOTcom · 19/06/2011 18:06

My hospital did and I'm thrombophiliac, I had a TIA after the birth too. I know others in different hospitals who've had it. I thought it was just done, seems the right thing to do for someone in that situation :(

Totally agree with your last sentence!

MeantToStopAtTwo · 19/06/2011 18:14

My heart goes out to your friend. Yet I don't personally see why seeing a baby being BF would be more upsetting than seeing a baby being FF.

TheBigJessie · 19/06/2011 19:22

Oh. Kay. Just to check I've understood you correctly, would you say that you feel the incident with your friend gave you a different, new insight into what might have happened in all the interminable "I was breastfeeding and a woman gave me a funny look in the cafe" threads? And caused you to wonder whether much of the time, maybe the person who gave the "funny look" had no desire to make the breastfeeder feel self-conscious? And that you wondered whether the customer, who was breastfeeding her baby, would think you'd left because she'd offended you?

I (Jessica, speaking for myself) personally think our little corner of the world would probably be nicer if people thought more generously of others, and were less quick to jump to the conclusion that a stranger who seemed ill-at-ease was thinking "I hate you and everything you stand for. Bottle-feed/stop using jarred food/pull your top down".

TheBigJessie · 19/06/2011 19:22

Oh. Kay. Just to check I've understood you correctly, would you say that you feel the incident with your friend gave you a different, new insight into what might have happened in all the interminable "I was breastfeeding and a woman gave me a funny look in the cafe" threads? And caused you to wonder whether much of the time, maybe the person who gave the "funny look" had no desire to make the breastfeeder feel self-conscious? And that you wondered whether the customer, who was breastfeeding her baby, would think you'd left because she'd offended you?

I (Jessica, speaking for myself) personally think our little corner of the world would probably be nicer if people thought more generously of others, and were less quick to jump to the conclusion that a stranger who seemed ill-at-ease was thinking "I hate you and everything you stand for. Bottle-feed/stop using jarred food/pull your top down".

TheBigJessie · 19/06/2011 19:22

Oh. Kay. Just to check I've understood you correctly, would you say that you feel the incident with your friend gave you a different, new insight into what might have happened in all the interminable "I was breastfeeding and a woman gave me a funny look in the cafe" threads? And caused you to wonder whether much of the time, maybe the person who gave the "funny look" had no desire to make the breastfeeder feel self-conscious? And that you wondered whether the customer, who was breastfeeding her baby, would think you'd left because she'd offended you?

I (Jessica, speaking for myself) personally think our little corner of the world would probably be nicer if people thought more generously of others, and were less quick to jump to the conclusion that a stranger who seemed ill-at-ease was thinking "I hate you and everything you stand for. Bottle-feed/stop using jarred food/pull your top down".

Original poster
joric · 19/06/2011 19:53

The big Jessie - yes, thanks- you have understood me completely. Thank you.
I am starting to feel like a troll

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TheBigJessie · 19/06/2011 19:57

Sorry about the triple post.

smashinghairday · 19/06/2011 19:59

So, just to be clear.

It's okay to shoot a bfeeding mother a filthy look if you have recently been bereaved but not for any other reason?

And the mother, who now feels like shit, needs to get a grip and realise that the woman looking at her as if she's something she's stepped in isn't being a nasty bitch but needs to be understood and made allowances for. The bfeeding mother must adjust her own thinking and always smile when this happens in case the filthy looker is a bereaved parent.

Bonkers. Stark raving.

Original poster
joric · 19/06/2011 20:07

You are still talking about a filthy look that never happened! Yes, when I BF in public I got a few funny looks - but to quote TBJessie who has said it far better than me it would be good if -"people thought more generously of others, and were less quick to jump to the conclusion that a stranger who seemed ill-at-ease was thinking "I hate you and everything you stand for. Bottle-feed/stop using jarred food/pull your top down".

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realhousewifeofdevoncounty · 19/06/2011 20:07

I think in lots of situations where people behave in a way that could be construed as unreasonable, there may be other issues that you don't know about. For example, someone may be rude to me. I am well within my moral "rights" to be just as rude back in a tit for tat fashion, until it escalates in a full row, or I could just turn the other cheek and get on with it and ignore. That person may have had bad news, may be in pain, or may have just had a bad day. Doesn't make their behaviour right, but noone, including me, behaves perfectly all the time, for a variety of reasons. Maybe that was the point that was trying to be made? I do however think that people should still be able to go around and perform perfectly acceptable behaviours such as breastfeeding without fear of upsetting people.

Original poster
joric · 19/06/2011 20:09

" adjust our own thinking" yes!

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Original poster
joric · 19/06/2011 20:10

I agree with everything you have just said realhousewife!

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