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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think twice about Breast F I public after this?

143 replies

joric · 18/06/2011 17:44

Ok- just posted this on old thread..after reading one page of breast is best v formula mummies fighting - had enough... However, this is what happened to us last week and it made me think...
Out with friend who, after having several miscarriages had a still born two weeks ago. She is devastated. I have always thought each to their own with breastfeeding, can't stand the smuggies but do what you need to do. However, saw a different perspective last week when we were eating lunch and a woman came in with her DH and sat right next to us and openly breastfed her baby. My friend just couldn't speak and we had to leave. People have the right to feed their babies of course but this just made me think....

OP posts:
TrinityIsAShreddingFatRhino · 19/06/2011 09:15

it is ludicrous to think that people should bf in public incase a beareved parent gets upset

by that standing I should have banned all daddys being anywhere near my children because they have lost their dad....how dare other little children enjoy a hug from their daddy in my presence Hmm

Original poster
joric · 19/06/2011 09:16

Pagwatch- ' The BF mother has no idea about my friend's reaction or the reason for it - it's not her problem- she should have done nothing other than what she was doing. My thread is all about my understanding people's reactions to things that trigger emotion.'

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 19/06/2011 09:20

I am not sure what that has to do with what I wrote.
I haven't commented on the breastfeeding mother.

Original poster
joric · 19/06/2011 09:30

Your reply- 'But people can only operate within their normal and acceptable bounds of behaviour. We may be aware and sympathetic towards other peoples grief. But expecting anyone to curtail normal interaction would be ridiculous.'
Me ' The BF mother has no idea about my friend's reaction or the reason for it - it's not her problem- she should have done nothing other than what she was doing. My thread is all about my understanding people's reactions to things that trigger emotion.'

OP posts:
jugglingmug · 19/06/2011 09:32

It's lovely that you were concerned about how your friend felt. I can't help thinking that it would have been more upsetting if the woman had sat near you calmly drinking coffee while her baby screamed to be fed.

The world's an insensitive place, I find it upsetting when there are posts moaning about MIL who want to see 'too much' of their grandchildren - my MIL died when DC1 was 10 weeks old Unfortunately that's how life works...it's understandable to be sad, but not okay to take this out on other people. Especially when they don't have a clue why you're sad or angry.

Pagwatch · 19/06/2011 09:37

Your op said 'should we reconsider breastfeeding in public'

I said no because to expect people to curtail normal range behaviour etc etc.

I didn't reference the individual mother because my response was to your general premis. So what the particular mother knew or understood has nothing to do with my point.

So you can keep quoting it at me but it still has nothing to do with what I wrote.

smashinghairday · 19/06/2011 09:37

I'm still pondering how anyone can think it's acceptable to shoot a bfeeding mother filthy looks or not let a pregnant woman sit down.

Since when does bereavement entitle you to behave in such a vile way to a stranger?

  • I actually don't believe for one minute the reason a woman is being shot filthy looks is because the person doing it is bereaved, by the way but I would like whoever made that remark to back it up.
Original poster
joric · 19/06/2011 09:38

Jugglingmug- I agree entirely, that's why we just left without a fuss - she just needed to get away. it just made me think about all of the times I have jumped to conclusions about others seemingly strange behaviour- nobody knows what goes on in people's heads.

OP posts:
smashinghairday · 19/06/2011 09:41

If someone had ever shot me a filthy look when I was feeding my child ( no one ever did, as it happens) then I would have shot one back at best and opened my mouth at worst.

And I would not have given a shiny shit why they thought they were entitled to do that to me.

Original poster
joric · 19/06/2011 09:41

Please let me know smashing where this happened/ where it was said?
'I'm still pondering how anyone can think it's acceptable to shoot a bfeeding mother filthy looks or not let a pregnant woman sit down.'

OP posts:
Original poster
joric · 19/06/2011 09:43

Also - who gave dirty looks in my OP?
'If someone had ever shot me a filthy look when I was feeding my child ( no one ever did, as it happens) then I would have shot one back at best and opened my mouth at worst.'

OP posts:
reallytired · 19/06/2011 09:44

I feel sorry for your friend, but life has to go on.

How would you have felt if the baby had been bottlefed? Surely its the sight of a baby which is upsetting your friend, not the method its being fed.

I think that your friend needs to talk to her GP to see what kind of support is available in her area.

smashinghairday · 19/06/2011 09:46

Well, YOU said you've been given dirty looks and someone else later said that if a woman was given filthy looks maybe it was because they were bereaved. And you also said that we all need to rethink why a bfeeding woman might be getting these negative reactions.
No, I bloody wont re think. Anyone shooting me or any woman a filthy look for breastfeeding needs to do one.

It's never, ever, ever acceptable to shoot a bfeeding mother a filthy look. End Of.

Gastonladybird · 19/06/2011 09:48

I am very sorry for your friend - have had 3 mcs and lost a baby due to abnormalities at 22 weeks . Much as though I would rather have not seen pregnant woman or babies after the world doesn't stop Sad

Dilys - I had (have) therapy which helped me with my anger about that sort of reaction (not that I ever did drop doors etc but did have a general why me not someone else rage) . I think peer support / counselling/ therapy can be invaluable to help you cope.

Oh and yabu op- am at a loss as to what poor bf woman did wrong

Original poster
joric · 19/06/2011 09:48

Pagwatch - am I (I as in me) BU to think twice ( think about my opinion). Please don't mis quote.

OP posts:
Original poster
joric · 19/06/2011 09:59

Smashing- negative reaction to BF mum = something wrong with person giving negative reaction. I agree that it's wrong to take things out on other people , we didn't do that but others do. So I have decided to be a bit more understanding of those that can't control themselves and act unreasonably.

OP posts:
iggitwotimes · 19/06/2011 10:09

Joric you are being disingenuous - your OP is all about the bf (you reference the ff/bf debate in your post etc) and not about how we might misinterpret someone's negative reaction to seeing it. Otherwise you would just have talked about your friend's reaction to seeing a baby, not a bf baby.
Good grief two weeks post loss seeing a babygro in a shop could have set her off, anything at all could devastate you.

iggitwotimes · 19/06/2011 10:10

Joric you are being disingenuous - your OP is all about the bf (you reference the ff/bf debate in your post etc) and not about how we might misinterpret someone's negative reaction to seeing it. Otherwise you would just have talked about your friend's reaction to seeing a baby, not a bf baby.
Good grief two weeks post loss seeing a babygro in a shop could have set her off, anything at all could devastate you.

Pagwatch · 19/06/2011 10:12

Perhaps it would be a good idea to re read and re word your op.

You posted an op about whether it would be reasonable to reconsider breastfeeding. You asked people to comment.
People have responded to that on the face of it, in the usual manner of aibu.

If I posted "aibu to decide Joric is being a bit of a prat. She post an emotional ff vs bf and stuck it in aibu which could easily upset a range of people with personal issues around these things. Of course she has the right to do so but it just made me think...."

You would get some responses saying "well Joric could have done x or should have done y". But you will also get responses talking in general terms about emotive subjects posted in aibu. Not every post will be specific to the exact incident.
It is the nature of discussion.

dadof2ofthem · 19/06/2011 10:33

stop the vitriol, the womans situation was utterly tragic and i dont think anyone is suggesting the breast-feeding woman did anything wrong, like the OP said, it just made her think.
even if the woman who was breast-feeding new about her situation , she is still going to have to get used to the world going by and babies around her, infact she would have probably been equally upset if the baby was being bottle fed.

Pagwatch · 19/06/2011 10:38

Stop the viriol ? Grin

Original poster
joric · 19/06/2011 10:42

Agree with some points on last two posts. The BF is a big part of it due to friend still producing milk- yes anything baby related can upset her . pagwatch YAETYO - it made me think about how I (me) felt about BF in public tis all.

OP posts:
Original poster
joric · 19/06/2011 10:44

Posts overlapped- you've just said it for me dadoftwoofthem!

OP posts:
smashinghairday · 19/06/2011 10:48

And what did it make you think about breastfeeding in public, joric?

Original poster
joric · 19/06/2011 10:52

Iggitwottimes -disingenuous or have no agenda?! Re- thinking things?

OP posts:
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