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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think twice about Breast F I public after this?

143 replies

joric · 18/06/2011 17:44

Ok- just posted this on old thread..after reading one page of breast is best v formula mummies fighting - had enough... However, this is what happened to us last week and it made me think...
Out with friend who, after having several miscarriages had a still born two weeks ago. She is devastated. I have always thought each to their own with breastfeeding, can't stand the smuggies but do what you need to do. However, saw a different perspective last week when we were eating lunch and a woman came in with her DH and sat right next to us and openly breastfed her baby. My friend just couldn't speak and we had to leave. People have the right to feed their babies of course but this just made me think....

OP posts:
SugarPasteFrog · 18/06/2011 18:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

microserf · 18/06/2011 18:16

OP, i really don't understand your post. I am so sad Sad for your friend. But the other woman can't possibly have known of her loss. I am not trying to be mean, but I genuinely don't see how BF or not has anything to do with your friend. Surely it's simply very sad for her to see babies at all?

YABU to describe the BFing mums as "smuggies". I am a FFer, and I still think that's unfair.

exoticfruits · 18/06/2011 18:22

I wouldn't think twice. It is very sad for the friend but people will take babies out and they need to be fed. Can you honestly say that your friend would have not felt a thing if someone sat right next to her with a baby and bottle fed? I doubt it.Your friend doesn't want to see babies full stop and they are people and they do go out.

muffinflop · 18/06/2011 18:32

smashinghairday roll your neck in. The OP wasn't offended about seeing a breast. She was upset for a friend having to watch a baby being fed 2 weeks after losing her own baby. I've been there and it bloody hurts, but OP you can't expect people who have no idea what happened to your friend to walk on eggshells for her.

Life can be shit, she'll learn to deal with it one day

ndume · 18/06/2011 18:36

Sorry for your friend but the general public are not mind readers also (without sounding harsh) your friend knew she will come across babies. Would it have made a difference if the baby was bottle fed whether with breast milk in it or formula? Or if the baby wasn't fed at all? As for breast feeding, what is wrong with it? Travel around the world and see first hand how breast feeding is essential. Breast were given to FEMALES to FEED their YOUNGS. WHY DO YOU THINK MEN DON'T HAVE BREASTS?

MistressFrankly · 18/06/2011 18:37

YABU

Your friend probably cries at adverts, small shoes in shops and happy people ( i know i did). These things will not go away but her inability to cope will.

Be supportive but be realistic. The world does not, and should not, stop when bad things happen to you.

DuelingFanjo · 18/06/2011 18:38

sorry - but what is it about the breast wich caused particular upset to your friend? Are you saying that because a bottle is not natural it's less upsetting so OK?

waterrat · 18/06/2011 18:39

are you seriously saying that people should 'think twice' about feeding their baby when it is hungry is case a bereaved mother is nearby? that is absolutely bonkers

Sufi · 18/06/2011 18:53

i feel so sad for your friend, but, like everyone else here, think you are being unreasonable. how can i, as a mother of a 3 month old bf baby, possibly not feed my child just in case i upset someone?

we all have our private grief, whether that is for our loved & lost children, parents, granparents, partners or friends. we all want the world to stop & for the world to acknowledge our grief. but the world does not and cannot grind to a halt no matter how much pain we are in.

so while i feel so, so much for your dear friend, equally i cannot apologise for having a healthy baby and feeding her as i see fit.

(i'm ignoring the phrase 'openly breastfeeding' as that makes you sound very judgemental, plus the 'smuggie' thing is also a bit mean - many people, me included, bf for entirely practical, pragmatic reasons. i couldn't give a monkeys how anyone else feeds so long as they don't get in the way of my baby's next meal...)

chipmonkey · 18/06/2011 19:00

joric, I am very sorry for your friend but you are being ridiculous. And who are these "smuggies"? I have bfed all of my children, does that make me smug?

Do you honestly not see that your friend is feeling very raw right now and the sight of a baby doing anything at all is likely to make her feel upset? Surely all new mums can't be expected to stay indoors on the off chance that they might meet a newly bereaved Mum?

KatsMaw · 18/06/2011 19:12

Unless we live in a tiny village, life is going to make us bump into a heckuva lot of total strangers, all ages, all sizes, all circumstances, no crystal ball to tell them what tragedy we've just gone through.

The saying "Life goes on" sounds like a callous throwaway, but really it's a reminder that other folks' lives go on while ours are falling apart. It might add to the pain, but there's no blame involved. My condolences to your friend.

KatsMaw · 18/06/2011 19:14

P.S. ..And my congrats to the breast-feeding mum.

MissPenteuth · 18/06/2011 19:17

I don't think the OP means to say that all BFers are smug, she's saying she dislikes the subset of BFers who are smug about it. I've never encoutered anyone in RL who has been smug about BFing mind you, but that's how I'm interpreting the OP's comment anyway.

But I agree with the majority; what your friend has gone though is truly heartbreaking, but we can't ban BFing in public for fear of upsetting a bereaved mum.

unfitmother · 18/06/2011 19:18

Don't talk shite joric
When I lost DS2 what made me upset was not seeing Mums BFing but those ignroing their babies or smoking over their prams. That's what made me cry. I, however, am intelligent enough to realise that everyone is different.
Would your friend not have been bothered by a baby being FFed next to her? Hmm

LolaRennt · 18/06/2011 19:21

I suspect your breasts might still be full if you had just a term still born baby and bf is more intimate than ff so it probaby would be harder to watch...

but your friend has lost her child nothing will make her feel ok about it. everything will be painful and raw. But a baby's needs must come before an adults even a grieving one

MotherPanda · 18/06/2011 19:21

Hmm.. I don't think the OP really believes this was shocking behaviour.

Nobody can actually think like that, can they?

LotteryWinnersOnAcid · 18/06/2011 19:21

I don't understand why you call people who BF their babies "smuggies". Can you explain that please? How are BF mothers "smug" in any way? What a bizarre thing to say.

I am deeply sorry for your friend's loss, but YABU.

confuddledDOTcom · 18/06/2011 19:35

Lola usually they give you a pill to stop your milk coming in. The Drs were really discrete about it with me. They brought me some painkillers and said "here's some paracetamol and this one will stop your milk coming in" I didn't ask for it and they never asked me, they just brought it in. I know others that have had similar experiences too.

Original poster
joric · 18/06/2011 20:39

Obviously an emotive subject this one! I've only been out for an hour...! Here we go..

  1. I breastfed in public until my DD was 2. ( yes 2! ) my friend and I
I have absolutely no problem with breastfeeding.
  1. Yes, the 'smuggies' are the sub- group of women who sneer at women who feed babies formula. Many other women exist obviously .. They are women who do not judge others are doing.
Some have understood my point exactly- whilst others have got all het up and started shouting.... thinking that we are out to petition against breastfeeding incase we upset the bereaved- so I shall explain my point.... I am not thinking about the breastfeeding woman ( sorry) I am thinking about my friend's reaction. I used to get annoyed if I got dirty looks when I breastfed and ASSUMED that they were sneering at me. I saw a different perspective last week. I realised that sometimes people's reactions are not what they seem. My friend, who had breast milk still - did not want to be in that situation, she didn't want the woman to stop, or be a mindreader- my thought is that the woman next to us would have assumed that we had left in disgust at her...it made me stop and think about our reactions to things and how the scowling person in the corner may not be judging me but may just be heartbroken. People, including me can be egocentric and defensive. Funny how people on here jump on breastfeeding topics with such venom. very defensive.
OP posts:
onagar · 18/06/2011 20:49

OP that's not what you said the first time. You spoke of someone openly breastfeeding. the word 'openly' is redundant unless you are comparing it with some other way of breastfeeding.

Then you said "People have the right to feed their babies of course but this just made me think...." you left it unfinished knowing how it would be taken.

Nice try though.

Original poster
joric · 18/06/2011 20:52

Misspeteuth
Takemedrunimhome
Meditrina
Dilysprice
I think you got it....:)
Smashinghairday.... You assume a lot. What can I say?

OP posts:
realhousewifeofdevoncounty · 18/06/2011 20:53

Sorry, but I don't get it. Yes it is horrible what happened to your friend, but surely it would have been just as upsetting if she had bottle fed her baby next to her, or played with and smiled at her baby next to her, or just been with her baby next to her. I don't think the bfing was the issue, I think it was the fact that your friend will sadly find it hard to see women with their babies FULL STOP for a little while. Your poor friend, but sorry, YABU. It is not this lady's fault that your friend was upset.

Original poster
joric · 18/06/2011 20:56

Onagar- don't get it! Please exPlain what's offensive about the term openly? All babies are breastfed openly if you are in public.

OP posts:
Original poster
joric · 18/06/2011 21:02

Yes realhousewife.. I agree, she's upset at a lot of things.

OP posts:
Salmotrutta · 18/06/2011 21:05

joric - your OP read as a criticism of a nursing mother who may have caused unknown distress to your friend.
Even if the breastfeeding woman had known of your friend's loss she still had to feed her baby (BF or FF it doesn't matter and the feeding mechanism is irrelevant). She would still have cuddled it and interacted with it. She can't hide her baby away in case she hurts someone.
I'm very sorry for your friend but she will see babies all around and it will take time to heal.