Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think twice about Breast F I public after this?

143 replies

joric · 18/06/2011 17:44

Ok- just posted this on old thread..after reading one page of breast is best v formula mummies fighting - had enough... However, this is what happened to us last week and it made me think...
Out with friend who, after having several miscarriages had a still born two weeks ago. She is devastated. I have always thought each to their own with breastfeeding, can't stand the smuggies but do what you need to do. However, saw a different perspective last week when we were eating lunch and a woman came in with her DH and sat right next to us and openly breastfed her baby. My friend just couldn't speak and we had to leave. People have the right to feed their babies of course but this just made me think....

OP posts:
NiceShoes · 18/06/2011 21:06

I don't think you have been unfairly jumped upon Joric,your post was provocative.As everyone else is saying bereavement is really hard and many things can trigger it.Not necessarily a mum breastfeeding a baby.

Original poster
joric · 18/06/2011 21:07

Onogar - Also- people fill in the gaps and assume a lot . We are not all out to attack each other.

OP posts:
Original poster
joric · 18/06/2011 21:11

I understand if it is seen as provocative- if I am honest, I did expect the shouting having read a recent tread.

OP posts:
Original poster
joric · 18/06/2011 21:13

Salmotrutta- yes, I see that totally. Not what I meant though! :)

OP posts:
MrsTittleMouse · 18/06/2011 21:46

Your poor friend. :(

Openly breastfeeding is a very loaded comment though, and as salmotrutta said, even if the other woman had known about your friend, she would have had no choice but to feed her baby. If we didn't ever feed babies in public for fear of upsetting bereaved (or infertile) women, we are condemning BFing mothers to months (or years) of banishment from society.

However, I was on a thread the other day and I commented that I'd appreciate a return to "official" mourning again. We seem to expect the bereaved to hide away nowadays, and not bother us with their suffering. If there was some way of telling that someone had been through such a dreadful experience then at least it would allow us to make some allowances.

LunaticFringe · 18/06/2011 21:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
joric · 18/06/2011 22:03

Mrs mouse, I agree , nobody should hide away- it just made me think that's all - would I have behaved differently when my DD was a baby if I had thought about it? I don't think I would have stopped BF in public but I may have been a little more sympathetic towards those who reacted badly towards me.

OP posts:
Original poster
joric · 18/06/2011 22:12

No lunaticfringe- i tried to ask an open question - AIBU to think twice about BFIP after this.. Its obvious that a lot of people think I am BU to question BFIP full stop.
I'm so sorry you have been there.

OP posts:
Original poster
joric · 18/06/2011 22:14

That made no sense- I'm tired now :)

OP posts:
LunaticFringe · 18/06/2011 22:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

biddysmama · 18/06/2011 22:32

sorry but it was the baby that upset your friend not the breastfeeding, no matter wgat they baby was doing the same thing would have happened

WibblyBibble · 18/06/2011 22:33

It's very sad for your friend, but: one of my best friends lost her brother in extremely traumatic circumstances. No one in the world would suggest that other people shouldn't go out for lunch with their brothers because it might upset her/remind her of the trauma (and it was severe- she was diagnosed with PTSD afterwards). It's horribly sad when people lose a child, but it's not the fault of everyone else in the world, and they do need to find ways to process that which aren't incompatible with everyone else behaving as normal.

iggitwotimes · 18/06/2011 22:41

What Unfitmother said. Having had several miscarriages what really upsets me are pregnant women smoking in front of me. I would avert eyes/move away if someone sat near me bf, but I wouldn't expect them to be responsible for my feelings. Odd sentiments in your OP, really.

iggitwotimes · 18/06/2011 22:41

What Unfitmother said. Having had several miscarriages what really upsets me are pregnant women smoking in front of me. I would avert eyes/move away if someone sat near me bf, but I wouldn't expect them to be responsible for my feelings. Odd sentiments in your OP, really.

foreverondiet · 18/06/2011 23:14

YABU.

Whilst I am sad for your friend, she could have been just as upset if someone was bottlefeeding, or if a baby was giggling or babbling etc. Fact is if you go out at lunchtime, its likely that there will be babies there, and one might need feeding.

LadyWithNoManors · 18/06/2011 23:21

YABU.

kaid100 · 18/06/2011 23:48

Breastfeeding a baby in public is perfectly acceptable now, it's a great great shame - a tragedy - for your friend that she just lost a baby. Seeing a breastfeeding mother probably rubbed it in, but she was just a stranger and she wasn't to know what happened to your friend. Banning breastfeeding in public would mean either that some babies wouldn't be able to "eat", or that mothers wouldn't be able to got out for more than a couple of hours in the day. That isn't acceptable, babies do need to eat and their mothers do need to spend time out of the house. Anything we see around us could potentially remind someone of a recent tragedy, so banning things that remind people of tragedies wouldn't work either. I think you would be fine to breastfeed in public, just maybe don't talk in great detail to your friend about your own baby until your friend is ready to.

Original poster
joric · 19/06/2011 08:41

As I said before, Nobody is out to ban breastfeeding in public, nor expect nursing mum to have the an idea what was happening - this reply answered my question!

LunaticFringe Sat 18-Jun-11 22:26:53
OK based on that, yabu to think twice. Well maybe not unreasonable, but you can't cater for all our problems. You'll drive yourself mad. I bf ds1 in public now.

OP posts:
Original poster
joric · 19/06/2011 08:44

Kaid100 :)

OP posts:
smashinghairday · 19/06/2011 08:45

What should the bfeeding mother have done and how do you think all mothers should behave in public?

Original poster
joric · 19/06/2011 08:53

Oh hello smashing! The BF mother has no idea about my friend's reaction or the reason for it - it's not her problem- she should have done nothing other than what she was doing. My thread is all about my understanding people's reactions to things that trigger emotion.
Are you disappointed that I don't want to stop the world from BF? Or is your argument with the fact that when someone has an unexpected reaction to something I take time to think about it?

OP posts:
Original poster
joric · 19/06/2011 09:02
  • and consider my own actions past and present
OP posts:
Original poster
joric · 19/06/2011 09:03
  • and consider my own actions AND REACTIONS past and present
OP posts:
Pagwatch · 19/06/2011 09:07

Is this actually just a bf vs ff under a more emotional guise?

A bereaved parent seeing a whole raft of things may trigger an emotional response. Which is quite understandable.

But people can only operate within their normal and acceptable bounds of behaviour. We may be aware and sympathetic towards other peoples grief. But expecting anyone to curtail normal interaction would be ridiculous. Completely ridiculous. I am finding it difficult to understand why any faintly rational person would even question whether anyone should not feed their baby in public because of the vague possibility that someone may happen in that environment who is unusually sensitive to such a thing.

I think the ff / bf discussions can be hurtful enough and destructive enough without bringing in bereavement to ratchet up the distress.

exoticfruits · 19/06/2011 09:08

People have sad experiences, but they have to cope. I was a widow, ideally I would have liked all young families with DHs to stay out of sight! It was my problem-other DCs had days out with fathers-and so they should. Obviously if you know circumstances you try to ease it-but the general public don't know the circumstances.