AIBU to think that 11 year old primary school children do not need this level of sex education?

[ZhenXiang]

Friends DS came home with a leaflet that had been handed out at school (aimed at girls, but he took it because of the content). It contained:

-Advice telling the girls to get a mirror and examine their genital area plus -picture of said area
-Information about discharge and STI's
-Information about going further with your boyfriend and masturbation
-Advice about contraception
-Advice and information about homosexual relationships
-Pictures of people in fairly intimate positions
-Information telling children that if they tell a doctor or a teacher that they are having sex that they are not allowed to tell their parents

Given that the law is that children should not be having sex until 16 and that this is a primary school I was a bit shocked that this information was being handed out without the parents knowledge. I would expect that this sort of content would be dealt with in secondary school in year 8 or 9 (that was when we had it when I was at school).

What do you think?

DS1 is in a well regarded church school, and in year 6. There's already an 'out' kid, several of the girls have hit puberty (one at 8) and a cople of the boys could likley get served in a bar.

Not only that, but they will be less supervised so more vulnerable in some ways to abuse..... they need to know about sex, the good and bad sides, and have confidence to believe in themselves and their own morality.

I don;t for one minute think how much info a child is given influences much; DH and I were both children of extremly open minded and informative parents. I had a decent active and healthy sex life from about 18, Dh 'saved' himself' for his fiancee aged 28. We both had our own ideas about how to build our lives and followed them through, neither of us with regret.

MoreBeta how an 11 year old defines a boyfriend or girlfriend varoies hugely; both mine in Juniors have been 'engaged' for years (!), one has kissed rather chastely, the other not even held hands. Whilst having a boyfriend at school was a rarity in my cohort, a chaste version seems normal now. Of course a few kids go further but their peers deal with that- one poor girl was caught givcing her boyfriend a solitary kiss in the cloakroom, bet she regretted that as she was spotted! the sort of peer pressure that works far better than anything us oldies can hand out

I'm afraid I did use the phrase 'special cuddle' last week, when DS asked me exactly how babies start to grow in women's wombs. On a packed commuter train. .
DS is six so I do rather think 'special cuddle' wasn't too patronizing for the moment....

I intend to make sure (as he gets older), whatever the school teaches him, that he learns the following:
Sex is supposed to be enjoyable, so if you don't think the person you are having sex with is enjoying it as much as you, stop IMMEDIATELY and check.
PIV is the sort of sex that makes a baby, a lot of other sexual activity is less likely to make a baby and generally more fun to do.
There is nothing wrong with having lots of sex and lots of sexual partners as long as you treat them all with courtesy and kindness and expect the same from them. Nor is there anything wrong with not liking sex at all and never wishing to engage in it. What people do sexually is up to them as long as it is Safe Sane and Consensual.

'There is nothing wrong with having lots of sexual partners ' --sorry but i don't think this is a great way to inform our kids ?

What IS wrong with having lots of sexual partners in your opinion dust?

I think that "lots of sexual partners" does need to v

I'd like to know when these children are getting the opportunity to get pregnant in their early teens, mine simply will not have the time or privacy even if the desire is there.

Oops, bloody iPhone.
...needs to come with the caveat "as long as you are being particularly careful about STDs"

I also worry that a girl (or boy) having sex with lots of men is increasing their chances of getting involved a wrong-un - there's some bastards out there and I'd want my children to be a bit discriminating. But I know that that's my own prejudices talking, it's also pretty sexist.

'lots of sexual partners' - certainly needs definition! having said that, looking back from the vista of long and very happy monogamy, I rather wish I'd had more sexual partners - and earlier (but I'm gay and didn't come out until I was 24) - and good sex education that acknowledged my identity might have helped with that. But promiscuity per se is not a good thing, nor is the attitude to people that it implies (e.g. that they are simply objects that help fulfill someone else's desire)...but I suspect that's not what dust meant!

seeker - thanks for your clarification btw. It's good to know that 5 year olds are not, in point of fact, being taught about doggy style and how to hire a hooker.

Wouldn't it be a good idea if it was set out in a crystal clear way and given to parents?

At age 5, your child will be told x,y,z
at age 6, they will be taught this concept
at 7 they will begin to learn about such and such

and how it will be taught, what the aims will be, words used etc etc

Why isn't it? Do you know?

When my eldest was at primary school, they were starting sex ed and I watched the video and refused to let him participate because I felt it was inappropriate for his age and level of understanding. I bought a couple of books that I felt were more appropriate and went through it all myself.

What I saw in that video felt to me like the wrong approach. Which is probably why it was so easy for me to believe that it had gone further, and was indeed as all the papers and articles are reporting.

tbh, I am much more comfortable educating them about it myself. I can do it in the way that I think best and most appropriate for their level of understanding.

However, my eldest is now 12 and dies a thousand deaths if I try to discuss anything about sex He walks away.

It doesn't stop him boasting how big his penis is getting now, though

him "I'm having puberty. My penis is getting big. Look"
me "That's nice for you dear. Now put it away and come and have your breakfast."

Erm doesn't lots of sexual partners, no matter how protected, increase the occurrence of cervical cancer? (I may be completely wrong, genuine question)

Well I am only 21 and remember being 11 well. We all knew about sex by this point. The bit that was missing from our sex education was serious advice on relationships and how they can hurt/ feel as well as the physical factual information. We, I now strongly believe, should have also been taught about the realities of having children. Difficulties, loneliness of being young parents. I seriously think it would have benefited us to have a young mum come in and tell us straight what it is really like. Might have saved the high % of the girls in my year group that now have children. (and I come from a 'nice' area!!)

meltedchocolate....great post.

From my experience of working in sexual health the best advice I can give any parent is to ensure your child has excellent self esteem, if they do, generally they will stay on the right path for them be that 1 partner or 10.

Ishani they find away, if your too heavy handed with them IME they come away to University and they shag every thing that moves

I could tell you stories of what peoples precious children get up to at University that would make you want to lock them in their bedroom and never let them out, these are incredibly bright, academic teens but the common theme is always insecurity and poor self esteem.

Ishani - you think? My friend was having sex with her boyfriend after school when she was 'at a friend's house' and staying at his house when his parents were away (but they thought she was having a sleepover with a friend). Do not underestimate how devious teenagers can be. But tbh, wouldn't you prefer that your children were being open with you than sneaking around behind your back? Operating a family home like a gulag is unlikely to lead to happy family relations.

If more and more explicit sex education is deemed to be such a good thing as in the posts saying the more advice the better then why is the underage pregnancy rate going up still! We concentrate too much on the mechanics and not enough on the emotions and the responsiblity of having kids. until you have a child no matter how old you are when you do it you have no idea how tough it is to bring them up, how tiring and how your life changes in ways you didnt think it would. i was an older mum heaven only knows how girls under 16 cope. My kids knew about the mechanics really early on - they see our animals doing it and it isnt a big leap between chickens and humans! However what they get now is the discussion on relationships, self respect, diseases, mutual support etc. I hate the crap they give out at school and wish i could veto it completely.

Agree with ChristinedePizan. My mum never let me out past 7.30pm until I was 16...I still managed to sleep with boys though. Teenagers are very devious when they want to be!

Bullet lol - I think parents often make the mistake of assuming that sex only happens at night...

and in bed

Drivingmisscazy- An assumption I won't be making with my own!

magicmelons- Parks, garages, cars...the list is endless!

mummymeister [http://media.education.gov.uk/assets/files/pdf/e/england%20under%2018%20and%20under%2016%20conception%20statistics%201998-2009%20feb%202011.pdf actually teen pregnancy rates are going down]] not up this is in small part to better sex education but realistically more likely due to better acces to emergency contraception and the fact that teenage girls no longer need parents permission to go on the pill so long as the are deemed gillick competent. They are still having sex.

media.education.gov.uk/assets/files/pdf/e/england%20under%2018%20and%20under%2016%20conception%20statistics%201998-2009%20feb%202011.pdf Apologies here it again!

There is nothing wrong with promiscuity if you treat partners with kindness and courtesy and expect the same for yourself. Sex is fun, it doesn't need to be a big deal. What's wrong is teaching children that the less sex they have and the fewer partners they have, the more moral they are. One of the most harmful mundane viewpoints is this idea that it's possible to have too many sexual partners and if you cross this arbitrary line then you are damaged/bad/have lost the right to say no to rapists and abusers because you have already had 'too much' sex.
There is also nothing wrong with not wanting to have sex at all. Education about relationships really needs to emphasis kindness, courtesy and fair dealings, rather than banging on about heteromonogamy as the superior option, because people (including young people) want different things out of life.

SGB Whilst there maybe nothing with many sexual partners I'm not sure explicit attitudes need expressing at 11. I also think the sort of person that would think they couldn't say no because of too many sexual partners is likely to be having lots of sex because of poor self esteem.

I also think sex for pleasure at 15/16, with multiple partners, is pretty risky socially and emotionally. Boys that fuck anything that moves usually have no respect for the girls they're sleeping with and the girls that do it certainly earn a reputation and lower self esteem. When teens are nearer adulthood this may be more likely to be balanced and true choice.