To be annoyed by my sisters talk of sorting out my sons behaviour?

[twinklingfairy]

I have a 2.5 yr old son who is a wee monkey who is in a habit of saying no, then stepping forward to do what he just said he wouldn't.
When he is on the loo or wants to be naughty he says 'you go find granny/sister or daddy'

Sis tries to assert her authority over my children everytime she sees them, has done the same with DB girls too. To the point of ruining the enjoyment of dinner for them but being either unaware or unconcerned.

On Sunday she decided that my DS ought to tidy up the CDs that he scatters around Granny's music room everytime we go there to play (we normally tidy up when we leave)
She decided to tell him to do it just because she wanted him to. To which he replied No.
So she told him again, same response, so she tried threatening tones, he told her no, go find granny.
She then gives up realising that it was a pointless battle of wills she was only going to lose and anyway, was it that important? Not really.

So she comes through to me, with her smile, to tell me about what he had done (refusing to do as he was told) and that he had been cheeky to her.
She said that she would have had him on the naughty step for that and that his cheekiness would just not be accepted in her house.
I then end up in an hour long discussion with her over discipline styles during which she tells me she would have a stronger hand, that I have always been soft on my boy (much harder on my older girl), that if she had him for a week she would have him sorted out and that he will get bad reports in school for his cheek.
I said I preferred to think of his cheeky nature as a developing personality that I believe will be pleasant not rude.
And that, when she has children, she will not be saying what she is now and that if she does try to have a firmer hand, her children will be frightened to move for fear of a row. No one could keep up the level of intensity that she intends to have.

My boy will do as he is told (for the most part), he is not rude to strangers and if he is, come on he is 2!
If he doesn't you can normally do the 1, do that, 2 do that 3.... and he will do that for fear of the naughty step which I use regularly. As regularly as I feel in necessary.
Yes I probably am softer on him, but he is a different boy who would scream for hours if he felt inclined. There is only so far you can push it before he ends up spending all day on the step. So I pick my fights.

Arg, see, I am defending myself already!

YANBU to want your sister to back off.

I have no idea why everyone has decided to jump on you and decide that your DS is a brat and you are "one of those mothers".

Perhaps nobody else has ever had a 2-year old who will not instantly do as they are told.

I'm always the one where I'm usually saying that the problem isn't with the OP, it's with the busy bodies on threads like these.

But I honestly think the problem is with the OP here.

What a parent finds endearing, others find cheeky.

I said I preferred to think of his cheeky nature as a developing personality that I believe will be pleasant not rude

Other things tip me off into that frame of thinking too.

Your sister mentions starting school - I think she has a good point.

Whilst the OP has a problem with the fact that her sister has tried to dicipline her child, I think she is focusing too much on that fact. Instead, the real question should be: should I have been diciplining him sooner myself?

I genuinely think there sounds like there's a problem with OP's DC's behaviour here.

Ignoring it and focusing on the messenger isn't very helpful.

i strongly feel this way based on a lot of reading on how to deal with exactly this sort of behaviour. my ds sounds very similar to the op's ds and is also prone to screaming for hours as the op said in the 1st post, so the approach 'do it because i say so' doesn't always work with him, it can upset him and make him cry and scream because he doesn't always understand why. there are pletny of times when i put my foot down and tell him no because i say so - when the time and location are appropriate. running towards a road - yes, playing with items that have been set aside for him to play with - no.
i'm not sitting with him for hours reasoning and explaining things - he's 2. but i will tell him why/when he needs to do things so he understands why i am asking/telling him and then he co-operates. he tidies up when he knows it is time to tidy up because we are going out/home, not just because i feel like telling him like the op's sister did.

I agree with picking your fights wisely.
I agree that a lot of that is typical 2 year old behaviour - pushing boundaries etc.
I think people should not shudder in disbelief and horror about a 2 year old playing with a bunch of old cd's. 'Scattering' them around whilst playing with them is totally different to chucking them around disrespectfully.
I think tidying up at the end of a visit is fine - especially since granny is fine with this and it's her house.
I think your sister should not try and get him to tidy up just to prove a point - how childish.
You use the naughty step - and threatening him with this works for you. Great.

I think you have had a hard time on this post op.

But of course, everyone else has perfect children don't they........

I read your post thinking that sis was a pita but then realised that....she doesnt even have children of her own!!!! In which case she is a self righteous prig and needs to be told where to get off! Your ds is 2.5 and is just going through "that" stage - he will grow out of it...and into something else!! Dont fall out over it though - just look forward to laughing at her when her children are running rude rings around her!!

My sister's little girl was a cheeky, wilful disobedient two year old. I waded in several times with well intentioned advice - don't let her talk to you like that, naughty step, 'I'd never let my child do blah blah blah'. My sister politely (and occasionally not so politely!) ignored me. My niece grew out of the terrible twos, started playschool and is a sweet, charming, polite three and a half year old who is a joy to be around. I've since become a Mummy myself and I'm MORTIFIED at my pre-parenthood judging! I'd watched super nanny and thought 'how hard can it be?!' HA! Your sister thinks she knows best, ignore her and try not to throw it back in her face when she goes through it!

It's fine to have differing parenting views, of course, but it's troubling that a lot of people think that only they should discipline their child. I'm not talking about major behavioural decisions, like whether, for example, to smack or not, but those playing a role in a child's life should not have to stand back and witness poor behaviour and not be able to put it right. It's not even really about the CD's, that's a smokescreen when you consider what else the OP has said, it's the fact that she seems to consider her sister out of order for disciplining the child full stop. She's not. I have a cousin a bit like the OP, who has a six-year-old. She rarely disciplines, but at least does allow other people to correct her child when it is needed. It is not a good idea to impart on a child that they do not have to listen to or respect other adults.

OP... Your DS is your sister's nephew. Either you accept that relatives will have a different viewpoint to you regarding bringing up your child, or you do it in isolation. The thing is, what you allow in your house is one thing but if your DS does this in other people's homes it's not your call. I don't think it's ok and I doubt very much whether 'granny' likes it either. Perhaps she doesn't say anything to you because your sister already has.

You might think your son is adorable when he's cheeky but you would, you're his mother and wired up to think that. Other people will not find him so adorable and he's going to get some firm words spoken to him if you allow him to behave as he likes because he's 2, 3, 4 or 5 and onwards.

It doesn't really matter whether your sister has got children or not, anybody can have an opinion on a child's behaviour.

At the end of the day, you know your bubs, hun, eh?

Pixie, the sister not having children does not render her incapable of having a valid opinion. It is such a shame that is still believed by some people. Some of the best advice and assistance I have ever had is from my childless friends, because they can be objective yet caring.

YANBU. Sis should butt out. At that age it's too early to say if your little monkey is a brat or not. Kids are different and they change. As long as you know how to keep DS in check, it is your call.

Agree with TidyDancer that discipline shouldn't be the sole right of the parent.

Also realised my last post may have made it look like I felt that way.

I was referring to the idea of asking a child to tidy for no reason and wanting to sit near the DD just to correct her.

Oh, also agree with TD that non-parents can offer good advice!

I think your Dsis was and is probably sick to the backteeth of your DS running riot and back chatting.

What you see as cheeky is reading to me as rude and brattish.

Discipline your sons appropriately and give him boundaries. Scattering CD's? Repeatedly? OMG. Not in my house, thanks.

YABVU.

Wow, interesting to see the difference in styles! I think a lot of people either have forgotten what it was like to have a 2 year old or had temperamentally very different ones from mine.

At 2 I would only use the naughty step/removal for totally "unasseptable behaviour" like hitting, tantrumming. God- naughty step for making a mess? I'd be there most of the day myself.

I think the backchat thing is a more difficult line to draw but I personally would only make a battle of it if I felt it was nasty e.g. "stupid mummy" etc. I think it makes for a much nicer day together if you avoid situations where they want to say no e.g. tidying up races instead and all that shit.

Not really on for your sis to make him tidy up - he might have still been playing with the CDs - and you just need to ignore. My gut feeling is he's very young and discipline is a gradual thing while their language and reasoning skills are developing. Sounds like you and he are doing fine to me OP.

i agree too, and it's one of my priorities that my kids respect and respond to other adults and do as they're told.

i still fail to see how the sister was right to march in and tell the 2yr old to stop doing something he is routinely allowed to do and tidy up when there was no need, just to prove her point. i also fail to see how saying 'no' means he is a brat. i'd rather have my kids stand up for themselves and say no to an adult when they feel they need to, than meekly do whatever they're told, by any unreasonable busy body who thinks they have the right to.

And that's where this issue divides. The sister is not "any unreasonable busy body", she is the child's aunt, who is clearly seeing a problem and must be frustrated the child's parent is doing nothing about it. My gut reaction is that this is exactly why the OP thinks the sister is out of order, probably because she's exasperated with trying. Any reasonable person would be.

But the bigger problem is the OP's attitude towards the sister, not the specific incident that happened on this occasion. If another adult who is close to the family (or indeed in this case, is actually family) spots that there is a problem developing and tries their hardest to help, the reaction of the reasonable person would not be to automatically jump on the poor person who dares to tell off the little prince, it would be to wonder if they had a point.

The OP is running the risk that her child will not have a respect for other adults, and I suspect this may also be in her sister's mind.

rude and brattish???? he is 2yrs old! he's not backchatting, a 2yr oldhas a very basic command of the english language. since when do 2yr olds understand what it means, let alone how to do it? i have a 2yr old who 'backchats' all day long but he's just repeating phrases in a context he feels is appropriate (spending all day with his 3yr old brother). it just so happens his phrase of the moment is 'nope, no no no' because he has discovered the response he gets from it. he's certainly no hooligan.

That was what I thought Wolfhound and naturalbaby, that jumping in for no reason, where there was no need, was a tad pointless.
tdiydancer, it is more about the pompous, I wouldn't do it that way, I will do it better that gets me.
haha bamboostalks, it's my parents house, our old family home. We all moved out so they made an empty room into my dads music room another into the study/computer room. The do have a utility room too. yeah they are a bit posh
worraliberty nothing much happens. My DD (4.5 now) is a good girl. But sis will hound her to eat up, eat her meat etc. DD is a slow eater and struggles a little with meat. Just little things. tbh it has been a while since DD sat next to her aunty. But sis would just go at her when I felt that allowing her to enjoy food than fear the etiquette was more important at a young age. Not saying mine are savages, but...oh it is just little things. More about how I could see she was making DD feel than what she hounded her about.
Kinfu, if she wants to reprimand surely it is better to use the methods I employ. Like the 1,2,3. He prob would have done it then. Than to just expect him to do cos he is her aunt. Again, he is 2 so will not understand that he just has to.
peanutbutterkid, my mum is more inclined to tell me to 'just let it wash over me' and not to rise to the bait. She doesn't like arguments with sis (PLB)
Takeitonthechin, not sure really. Because sisters attitude to me in general is upsetting, to turn on my son when he didn't jump immediately to her command?
Daisyloves, she does know that they are his. And that that is where he is happy fiddling away. So why bother him then complain when she didn't get the desired result?

Tidydancer, but it is the way she did it. I am more inclined to work with them to tidy up than stand above barking orders.
Bark orders at me and yes, I too would probably, be taken aback and feel inclined Not to do it. Ask me reasonably and I am more than happy to oblige.

but given the one example of how the sister tried to discipline the 2 yr old i can't see how she was reasonable or fair to the child at all. she told him to stop doing something he was allowed to do then got all smug when he said no. how is that fair to the 2yr old? if that is just one, typical example of how the sister carries on then i fail to see why the child should listen to a word she says. i have no respect for the sister, given that one example so i don't see how the op or the op's child can either. she clearly has no respect for the child if she's trying to prove her point and 'discipline' him inappropriately.

hmm, even less respect for the op's siter now!

Thank you pixieonthemoor
just look forward to laughing at her when her children are running rude rings around her!!
That is more what I am getting at

but tidydancer, it is fine to reprimand, but it would be better to use the same methods as me and to check with me that I agree (I used to just catch my DBs eye if I was giving his girls a row, to make sure I had his ok to do it)
She jumps in before me and without my ok, even when I am stood next to her.
I think that is unreasonable.