To be annoyed by my sisters talk of sorting out my sons behaviour?

[twinklingfairy]

I have a 2.5 yr old son who is a wee monkey who is in a habit of saying no, then stepping forward to do what he just said he wouldn't.
When he is on the loo or wants to be naughty he says 'you go find granny/sister or daddy'

Sis tries to assert her authority over my children everytime she sees them, has done the same with DB girls too. To the point of ruining the enjoyment of dinner for them but being either unaware or unconcerned.

On Sunday she decided that my DS ought to tidy up the CDs that he scatters around Granny's music room everytime we go there to play (we normally tidy up when we leave)
She decided to tell him to do it just because she wanted him to. To which he replied No.
So she told him again, same response, so she tried threatening tones, he told her no, go find granny.
She then gives up realising that it was a pointless battle of wills she was only going to lose and anyway, was it that important? Not really.

So she comes through to me, with her smile, to tell me about what he had done (refusing to do as he was told) and that he had been cheeky to her.
She said that she would have had him on the naughty step for that and that his cheekiness would just not be accepted in her house.
I then end up in an hour long discussion with her over discipline styles during which she tells me she would have a stronger hand, that I have always been soft on my boy (much harder on my older girl), that if she had him for a week she would have him sorted out and that he will get bad reports in school for his cheek.
I said I preferred to think of his cheeky nature as a developing personality that I believe will be pleasant not rude.
And that, when she has children, she will not be saying what she is now and that if she does try to have a firmer hand, her children will be frightened to move for fear of a row. No one could keep up the level of intensity that she intends to have.

My boy will do as he is told (for the most part), he is not rude to strangers and if he is, come on he is 2!
If he doesn't you can normally do the 1, do that, 2 do that 3.... and he will do that for fear of the naughty step which I use regularly. As regularly as I feel in necessary.
Yes I probably am softer on him, but he is a different boy who would scream for hours if he felt inclined. There is only so far you can push it before he ends up spending all day on the step. So I pick my fights.

Arg, see, I am defending myself already!

[twinklingfairy]

And what is wrong with him wondering why?
Why did she feel the need to tell him to tidy if it wasn't a chance to be authoritative for no particular reason.
Then bring it uyp to me as bad behaviour

[BitOfFun]

Gwendoline- by that standard nobody could offer comment on anything ever on mumsnet, could they? I'm sure this little boy is the apple of his mother's eye- but enough has been said to lead people to the assumption that some others aren't finding his behaviour especially charming. It's easy enough to remedy, thankfully, and then the rest of the world will be able to appreciate him like his mother does.

[naturalbaby]

your ds sounds just like mine. he does have a "cheeky personality" and he knows how "charming" he is but I am his mum and it is my job to discipline him. he is a cheeky monkey but when it really counts he does as he's told, tidies up and behaves perfectly in public. it doesn't sound like the op's ds is going to turn into a hooligan - he's 2yrs old fgs!! my mum lets my ds make a mess in her house - a bit like the op's cd's, but he has his own things to mess with and we all tidy up after so what's the big deal? granny is happy, ds is happy, i'm sitting in the corner drinking tea with one ear open to step in. op said granny was fine with the cd's so sil was being unreasonable trying to exert her authority when she didn't have the right or the need to.

op - tell all your 'critics' he's your son, you'll discipline him. don't discuss/argue/explain - repeat till they get bored of wittering on about how they would deal with him. he's not theirs to deal with.

[wolfhound]

I knew everyone would jump on your post and tell you your child was a badly behaved brat! That's MN. Personally, when I read your OP, I thought your sister was being out of order. It's not her job to assert authority over your son, and if your parents are happy with what he's doing (certainly mine are very happy for my 2 yr old to strew toys about when he visits) then that's no-one else's business. Jumping into direct confrontation with a 2 yr old is silly and pointless (but I think it's hard to understand that until you have one of your own) - it's about directing behaviour rather than issuing orders.

Obviously it's impossible for anyone to tell from a post whether your DS is allowed to run riot or simply being a normal toddler. But I tend to think the latter, and that your sister will learn her lessons when she has her own DC!

[harverina]

Maybe I am missing something but I cant see anything from the OP's post that indicates that her DS as major problems with his behaviour the way some of you are suggesting!

Also, I really cant see why it was a big deal for him to play with CD's that he has previously been told he is allowed to play with? As long as he is clear that these are the only CD's he is allowed to play with then I see no big deal. Some of you are suggesting that because an adult was asking him to clear up he automatically had to do it...does a 2 year old really understand that???

At 2 some challenging behaviour is normal. It doesnt mean its problematic.

OP I would just politely ask your Dsis to not talk about the way you parent your children if it upsets you. I dont think anyone trully knows how they will parent until you have your own children. Most parents are guilty of having a list of things that they never planned to do but end up doing!

[TidyDancer]

The biggest mistake you can make here is assuming your sister has no grounds for saying anything because she doesn't have children. That is utter shite. You do not have to have children to recognise behaviour that crosses the line, nor understand that children require boundaries and correction sometimes.

[bamboostalks]

He sounds totally normal to me....you must be well posh to have a music room! Have you also a library, morning roon and boot room? Ignore your sister.

[worraliberty]

How old is your DD and what goes on at the dinner table to make our Sister feel the need to step in?

[worraliberty]

Your sister I mean

We're not related, honest!

[TandB]

I think your sister is being a bit overbearing - perhaps have a word with her about the age-old parenting practice of "picking your battles". The CD thing doesn't sound like it needed to turn into one of those battles.

BUT (and it is a big but) it does sound like there is an important issue to tackle with your DS and that is the issue of the cheekiness/refusing to obey an adult family member/demanding the presence of another adult. This would annoy me if it wasn't dealt with by the parents.

My DS is not quite 2 and is going through the "no" phase. It is annoying, particularly when he wants something and then has a hissy fit and shouts 'no' when it is offered to him. But it is challenged when it happens. He has an aunt who still lives at home with her parents and if she tells him to do something then he is expected to do it, just the same as he is expected to do what his grandparents tell him to do.

You really can't have a situation where a small child thinks that some adults can be ignored or spoken to rudely.

[peanutbutterkid]

Aw come on, OP & her mother are indulging the boy as they see fit with items (junk CDs) that might as well be cheap plastic toys, in granny's house (not even the sister's).
OP: Sister is an interfering cow. I'd be telling her to butt out if she were my sis. Can you not recruit your mother to back you up a bit?

[LDNmummy]

BTW, my take on this stems from a different cultural idea of how children should behave. Chucking CD's around no matter who's they are is totally unacceptable. Plus if aunty say's tidy up, you tidy up and that is it.

Its not extreme parenting, just not the same as parenting generally is in the UK.

Just clearing that up. But from the looks of things, I'm not the only one who feels that way anyway.

I don't think OP's child is a hooligan, just not that well behaved either. No one's child is perfect, I think it just comes across almost as if OP thinks hers is and people are jumping on it.

My opinion anyway.

[naturalbaby]

omg people, get off your high horses and put down your judgy pants. the child is 2 years old terrible 2's, testing boundries, discovering their independance. ring any bells to those of you with kids??

[TakeItOnTheChins]

Why did you bother asking?

[Bucharest]

My child is cheeky and cute with it......your child is a divilspawn brat who is out of control....

He does sound quite badly behaved tbh. And "cheeky" is nothing to be boastful of. In a short while he's going to be in school, and you're heading for a fall if you don't teach him common respect of other people and their things.

[BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack]

op - tell all your 'critics' he's your son, you'll discipline him. don't discuss/argue/explain - repeat till they get bored of wittering on about how they would deal with him. he's not theirs to deal with.

But an opinion was asked for....is this not AIBU????? Or are we just supposed to agree to save any arguements

[TidyDancer]

If he is testing boundaries, now is the perfect time to reinforce them. Not get annoyed with the only person who is attempting it.

[DaisyLovesMetronidazole]

Having read the thread, YANBU for the most part (I say for the most part because I don't know how you are tackling the cheekiness).

However, had I only read the original post, I would say YABU - ownership of CDs and the like was not clarified, and it did give the impression that rude behaviour went unpunished.

I reacted, and I suspect some others may have too, to the implied description of cheek as something good (reference to pleasant, wee monkey etc.). To be honest, I can't stand cheek from my own children or from others.

If your SIL was aware that those CDs sort of belong to DS, then she is BU. If she didn't, she did the right thing in that situation.

That said, she does sound like a busybody. And I'm a strict parent.

[Bucharest]

I'd be less bothered about the not tidying up tbh (heck,my dd is nearly 8 and still an untidy so and so) but the cheek and smart comments, at 2? I wouldn't be having that. But the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, so I'm guessing you gob off at each other like that in the family as well.

[DogsBestFriend]

DSis shouldn't be taking over the parenting of your child but then again maybe she wouldn't feel the need to if he were better behaved. Scattering people's things around the floor is disrespectful and shouldn't be allowed in the first place, telling an adult no when asked/told to pick them up isn't 'cheeky' (or cute or adorable) it's plain rude.

You're condoning and enabling that rudeness so YABU. And BTW, you certainly can keep up a high level of intensity with regard to expectations of behaviour and discipline even in teenaged years.

[naturalbaby]

i meant the sis and anyone else in RL who thinks it's their job to discipline the op's child. of course he's not going to respond to her marching in and telling him to do something when she's, by all account, rude and bossy about it. if any of my family tried to speak to any of my kids in that way they'd look blankly at them then carry on making a mess playing. my kids don't respond well to 'do it because i say so' parenting because they are very young. it's rude and unfair at this age. i get a lot more co-operation from my kids and any other kids this age by taking a more age appropriate, child friendly approach i.e speaking to them with respect for their age and understanding.

[Bucharest]

If another adult disciplined my child, she'd be mortified. And she'd do it quicksharp. (I've always quite welcomed other people stepping in!)

[naturalbaby]

ds1 would say 'yes' to anyone and everyone at that age - it was his standard response to pretty much everything. it didn't always mean he meant yes.

ds2 says 'no' to anyone and everyone at this age. it is his standard response to pretty much everything. it doesn't always mean he actually means no. his favourite activity is to get a container of well tidies toys and tip them all over the floor them move onto the next container. he is not being naughty, he is exploring cause and effect.

[TidyDancer]

It's really sad you feel that way naturalbaby. My DS listens to and respects his parents and the rest of his family. He would never "look blankly" at them when they told him off, because he knows better. It's not rude and unfair to teach children "do it because I say so", that is the first way they learn, later comes the reasoning. Children need to respect the word of more than just their parents, and the OP's response to her sister (who, btw, does not sound rude and bossy, just caring and responsible) will not help this.

[towardsZero]

These CD sound more like toys. If your mother - his grandmother was fine with him having his toys everywhere and he was playing quietly why was you sis getting involved? I'd have asked here what she was playing at TBH.

Thing most people posting here and I include myself have had deeply unpleasant encounters with badly disciplined DC in desperate need of boundaries. The parents I know like this often get very upset when anyone does say anything - and they tend to blame that person rather than look at their DC behaviour - few days/weeks later same thing again but they make no connections. Then they wonder why their DC are not invited/avoided like the plague and wonder why their DC teachers often have words with them.

Guesses everyone is saying be careful you?re not one of those parents - though why those parents never realise .