To be annoyed by my sisters talk of sorting out my sons behaviour?

[twinklingfairy]

I have a 2.5 yr old son who is a wee monkey who is in a habit of saying no, then stepping forward to do what he just said he wouldn't.
When he is on the loo or wants to be naughty he says 'you go find granny/sister or daddy'

Sis tries to assert her authority over my children everytime she sees them, has done the same with DB girls too. To the point of ruining the enjoyment of dinner for them but being either unaware or unconcerned.

On Sunday she decided that my DS ought to tidy up the CDs that he scatters around Granny's music room everytime we go there to play (we normally tidy up when we leave)
She decided to tell him to do it just because she wanted him to. To which he replied No.
So she told him again, same response, so she tried threatening tones, he told her no, go find granny.
She then gives up realising that it was a pointless battle of wills she was only going to lose and anyway, was it that important? Not really.

So she comes through to me, with her smile, to tell me about what he had done (refusing to do as he was told) and that he had been cheeky to her.
She said that she would have had him on the naughty step for that and that his cheekiness would just not be accepted in her house.
I then end up in an hour long discussion with her over discipline styles during which she tells me she would have a stronger hand, that I have always been soft on my boy (much harder on my older girl), that if she had him for a week she would have him sorted out and that he will get bad reports in school for his cheek.
I said I preferred to think of his cheeky nature as a developing personality that I believe will be pleasant not rude.
And that, when she has children, she will not be saying what she is now and that if she does try to have a firmer hand, her children will be frightened to move for fear of a row. No one could keep up the level of intensity that she intends to have.

My boy will do as he is told (for the most part), he is not rude to strangers and if he is, come on he is 2!
If he doesn't you can normally do the 1, do that, 2 do that 3.... and he will do that for fear of the naughty step which I use regularly. As regularly as I feel in necessary.
Yes I probably am softer on him, but he is a different boy who would scream for hours if he felt inclined. There is only so far you can push it before he ends up spending all day on the step. So I pick my fights.

Arg, see, I am defending myself already!

[Bucharest]

If said 2 yr old is just, as naturalbaby asserts lacking the communicative skills to backchat, and is in fact, simply repeating what's been said to him....shouldn't he be saying "oooh you cheeky wee monkey, let's put those cds away" rather than "no,no,no".

I love the assumption that those of us not condoning the child's behaviour are either childless, or have forgotten what it was like.

I've set my bingo marker ready,just for the inevitable "oh you must have perfect children then".

[ohnororo]

He's TWO, he's barely more than a baby! It's far far too early to worry about running the risk of child not respecting adults. He can't understand what it means to respect anyone yet, his little world revolves around him. You could scare or train him into obedience to avoid offending grownups but the OP doesn't seem to find her sisters desire to be obeyed by a toddler reasonable so why not let the child learn empathy and manners at his own pace? A six year old running amok is very different.

[twinklingfairy]

Lyingwitch, you can doubt my mothers feelings on the matter, but you would be wrong. We agree on most things, I discuss most things with her.
It is sis who is wading in so heavily and insisting on having her nephew do as she tells him regardless of my opinion, because 'she knows better'.

[Allinabinbag]

I think it is your sister who is in the wrong. If he is normally allowed to play with these CD's and they were scattered about, so what? I can't understand why she said anything, and I think it's hilarious that everyone thinks she has a 'right' to tell your child off when there are so many posts saying 'how dare anyone else touch/speak to/discipline my child'.

Saying 'no' is what little two year olds do, they then often throw themselves on the floor or refuse to do something. This is normal and should be dealt with firmly by the parent who is there, not some other family member.

I only interfere with other people's parenting if their child is in danger or hurting mine. Constantly chivvying them to eat up/put things away just isn't necessary, the speed your child eats is up to them (and you).

I think you are entirely reasonable and your sister is looking to score points off you about your 'badly brought up' children. If the nursery say he is delightful and have no behavioural issues, and you are normally complemented on their behaviour, she is just creating trouble and you are best ignoring her (and having a good laugh if she tries to put a two year old on the naughty step every time they say 'no' which could be 20 times a day).

It seems on MN at the moment that more discipline and 'coming down hard' on every tiny infraction is good. Whatever happened to 'don't sweat the small stuff' and 'minding your own business'?

[Bucharest]

I do hope you're going to insist on your child's teachers only reprimanding him in the way you you see fit OP.....can't wait for the AIBU when that starts.

[TidyDancer]

Looking forward to laughing at your sister? Nice.

Perhaps you should sit down and talk to her, because it seems like you're going to have a massive go at her before long, and that's certainly not going to be nice for the children.

Using the same methods might be a good idea. Though it didn't seem clear that you had methods of discipline, so you might want to have a think about what is acceptable to you. If you really feel that you need to change the way your sister speaks to the children, do it with the children in mind, not having a go at your sister solely because she dared to correct what she saw to be naughty behaviour.

You also need to realise that what might be cute and cheeky to you is bloody annoying and naughty in the eyes of others. It is valuable to see how other people view your DCs behaviour, since we as parents are often clouded by our love for the little buggers.

[twinklingfairy]

tidydancer how was there a problem developing with him playing quietly in the way he always does at grannys house?
There was no problem to be sorted. She decided to go and see him and decided that an impromtu tidy up was called for. DS didn't agree, he wasn't finished playing.
She realised the futility of the fight and gave in, only to come find me and say that my son was heading down a bad path.
I agree with naturalbaby that I would rather he stood up for himself than simply followed an order simply because she said so.
She expects that she has the right to reprimand but only if I agree with it otherwise it is just trouble for trouble sake.

[TidyDancer]

Quite, Bucharest. That's an excellent point.

[TidyDancer]

As I said before, I think the CDs issue is a smokescreen, and what you actually need to deal with is how you feel about other adults disciplining your DS.

"DS didn't agree, he wasn't finished playing".

I can see the future threads on here already....

Your DS does need to respect your sister, and you don't seem to want him to.

[Bucharest]

"I would rather he stood up for himself than simply followed an order because she said so"

Oh my. You are going to be such a hit at school.

[twinklingfairy]

oh honestly.
He is 2.
Right now there are ways to work around his cheeky behaviour.
Sis herself said, oh yes I had forgotten about the 1,2 ,3 thing. That probably would have worked.
That is what I meant.

His behaviour now will not be his behaviour when he is 5.
Obviously I will not accept cheeky/rude behaviour, answering back etc when he is old enough to understand.
How he is now does not mean he will still be acting in this way at school.

[Cat98]

Why don't people answer the question? The op has already said granny doesn't mind. Just with regards to the question about your sister, yanbu. Also some people sound a bit strict and intolerant of a 2 year old to me, but that's your call. I just hate it on aibu when it goes off on a tangent!

[Hullygully]

I don't know why everyone has decided that the op is TOTALLY WRONG AND THE CHILD IS A MONSTER AND WHAT ABOUT THE DAMN CDS?

He sounds like a perfectly normal 2 yr old, with a nice Granny who lets him play at her house rather than screaming with boredom, and your sister sounds like an old cow.

I have a couple of (childless) friends who are very big on What They Would Do and I have had to tell them to butt out on more than one occasion over the years. And my dc are lovely and well-mannered etc etc

[wolfhound]

ha ha at all these imaginary 2 year olds who respect all adult authority and instantly obey any order from any grown up at all times. i have never met one. i mean, really! what is going on in people's minds?

[Cat98]

Bucharest, you can't compare the op's sister to the child's future teacher! Come on everyone, the sister is butting in when she shouldn't be. Regardless of what you would do as a parent. That's irrelevant!

[wolfhound]

Oh, and I remember when DS1 was 9 months old, and a lovely but childless family friend in his 50s looked askance at DS1 reaching out and fiddling with my plate while he was sitting on my lap at the table. Family friend said 'you'll have to teach him not to do that.' I just smiled and nodded. There is a time for everything. I don't suppose DS1 will be doing that when he's 15. Doesn't do it now he's 3 to be honest.

[Cat98]

Absolutely hullygully.

[twinklingfairy]

I expect him to respect adults but if sis is just a twit disciplining my children for the sake of it, then no I probably don't expect my DS to.
Though, in the future when he is old enough to understand her ways or she has calmed down trying to parent my children just for the sake of feeling she is in control, then perhaps.
But for now, I think she was out of order, even she realised she was fighting a pointless battle, so the point is moot.

[TidyDancer]

A two-year-old who understands 'no' and can send someone away because he wants to do something without being watched, is also capable of being steered towards listening to adults other than his parents.

[syrupfairy]

oh how sad that your sister feel she has to do your job for you and not have the fun relationship an aunty should be able to have!! my nephew used to be "cheeky!" and i couldnt play with him either darn near breaks your heart actually hes now 8 and disliked by everyone even sadder.

[Hullygully]

My are old enough now to understand when I whisper to them, just smile and take no notice he/she is bats. Some people are bats, why pretend otherwise?

[Hullygully]

My dc

[twinklingfairy]

haha hullygully. Far better put than I just attempted.
Last post looks far worse than I meant.

[upsylazy]

Jesus, I really can't believe how judgemental everyone is being. The child is 2 ffs. 2 year olds cannot "backchat", they're just not capable. The OP has said that her DS does mostly do as he is told and is disciplined eg naughty step. She also said that he is not rude to other people. Everyone seems to be making an assumption, with no evidence whatsoever, that the OP is one of those parents who lets her child run amok without ever intervening. She's clearly said that this isn't the case and that her mum is fine with her GS playing with a few old CDs which are picked up before he leaves. 2 year olds do scatter things on the floor as they walk around, he's not throwing them across the room.
DS1, who is now 11 and the sweetest gentlest most well behaved child you could meet, was the toddler from hell. If I'd put him on the naughty step every time he said no or threw something or didn't do as he was told, he would have been on it practically permanently.
It's not called the terrible 2s for nothing - toddlers are programmed to push boundaries, have tantrums etc. Nearly all of them grow out of it. And calling the OP's child a brat on the basis of one post is just plain nasty.

[Hullygully]

Have those of you harping on about the poor ignored sister never met any of these people who just love to disapprove and correct and wait to pounce at the slightest excuse?

How lucky you are.