To be annoyed by my sisters talk of sorting out my sons behaviour?

[twinklingfairy]

I have a 2.5 yr old son who is a wee monkey who is in a habit of saying no, then stepping forward to do what he just said he wouldn't.
When he is on the loo or wants to be naughty he says 'you go find granny/sister or daddy'

Sis tries to assert her authority over my children everytime she sees them, has done the same with DB girls too. To the point of ruining the enjoyment of dinner for them but being either unaware or unconcerned.

On Sunday she decided that my DS ought to tidy up the CDs that he scatters around Granny's music room everytime we go there to play (we normally tidy up when we leave)
She decided to tell him to do it just because she wanted him to. To which he replied No.
So she told him again, same response, so she tried threatening tones, he told her no, go find granny.
She then gives up realising that it was a pointless battle of wills she was only going to lose and anyway, was it that important? Not really.

So she comes through to me, with her smile, to tell me about what he had done (refusing to do as he was told) and that he had been cheeky to her.
She said that she would have had him on the naughty step for that and that his cheekiness would just not be accepted in her house.
I then end up in an hour long discussion with her over discipline styles during which she tells me she would have a stronger hand, that I have always been soft on my boy (much harder on my older girl), that if she had him for a week she would have him sorted out and that he will get bad reports in school for his cheek.
I said I preferred to think of his cheeky nature as a developing personality that I believe will be pleasant not rude.
And that, when she has children, she will not be saying what she is now and that if she does try to have a firmer hand, her children will be frightened to move for fear of a row. No one could keep up the level of intensity that she intends to have.

My boy will do as he is told (for the most part), he is not rude to strangers and if he is, come on he is 2!
If he doesn't you can normally do the 1, do that, 2 do that 3.... and he will do that for fear of the naughty step which I use regularly. As regularly as I feel in necessary.
Yes I probably am softer on him, but he is a different boy who would scream for hours if he felt inclined. There is only so far you can push it before he ends up spending all day on the step. So I pick my fights.

Arg, see, I am defending myself already!

[ohnororo]

HANG on a minute. The sister engaged in an hour long conversation where she basically told OP that she would parent her child better despite never havthat parented. She said that she'd "sort him out in a week". The sister has been disrespectful to the OP. I don't think it's about the mess, it's about control and judgement (and as I've said before I've BEEN the sister!)

The child needs to respect adults when he is ready to understand how to do so. The adult REALLY needs to respect the child and his parents.

[twinklingfairy]

haha hullygully. Far better put than I just attempted.
Last post looks far worse than I meant.

[Bucharest]

Cat98- why can't I? The aunt, like the teacher, is a disinterested and objective adult. Like we all are.

For me, in all honesty, the issue is less the cds and the sister, and more the fact that the OP seems to think that teaching her child respect for others and not to be cheeky has some age limit on it. Pray when is that magical day going to come? Isn't he going to be even more rebellious whn he's been allowed to diss every other adult around him, and then is suddenly, at this magical age of comprehension going to start behaving?

I think not.

[msbuggywinkle]

I agree with twinklingfairy. Her DS was playing in a way he is used to doing, that has never been a problem at his Granny's house before and suddenly his Aunt steps in with new, different rules (which seemed to me to be designed to piss off the OP) and he refused and asked for his Granny. Presumably he knew that Granny would explain that this is ok, its what he usually plays and she is fine with it.

twinklingfairy your sister seems to want to annoy you/show you up as not a good enough parent. She also is displaying a huge lack of respect for your DS. Of course he didn't reply 'but I usually do this, it is fine with Granny, just ask her', he's two. It will come with time. We learn respect by being respected, not by being ordered around.

[TidyDancer]

She probably isn't disciplining for the sake of it, OP, that's probably just how it looks to you. If she's seen him behave like this for a while, she's probably just frustrated and doing what she can. It might be misguided according to your rules, but that makes her neither malicious nor wrong.

If you find her ways unacceptable, then have a chat with her about what is acceptable, don't prevent her from disciplining your DS full stop. He does need to respect her, she is his aunt. You need to find a middle ground that is both acceptable to you and for the good of the child.

[twinklingfairy]

Thank you obnoro
Another poster who is better with the words

[Allinabinbag]

I hate all this 'your child is going down a bad path' stuff at such a young age, it's very judgemental and usually quite wrong. I was told by a childless relation when my daughter was three and had a bad afternoon of crying and not wanting to walk that she was hyperactive, we were very lax, needed to discipline her more and she would be a nightmare at school. She was three and tired, luckily we ignored these dire predictions, carried on with our usual fair but firm approach and she's now a model pupil and I get complimented a lot on her and her sister's behaviour.

And being childless doesn't mean you can't ever say anything, but you do often have less experience. Every time one of mine hit a new stage (like saying 'no' to everything) it took me a while to get to grips with it, try different things that worked. Pontificating about what you would do if you were a parent is just hot air most of the time. At least as a new mum I knew I was inexperienced and crap!

[Hullygully]

The bit I find so baffling is why people are so determined to BELIEVE THE SISTER WAS IN THE RIGHT.

Why? Why are you so determined that the 2 yr old is a nascent sociopath? Have you met any 2 yr olds?

I am genuinely, honestly and truly bewildred by this.

[ohnororo]

Bucharest -being an adult does not mean she is disinterested or objective. And the OP is right to think there is an age limit on manners. You have to understand the concept of 'other people' before you can show them manners!

[TidyDancer]

And all the while this is ongoing, the OP's DS will only be learning that to get his own way, he needs to go to granny and mummy who will let him do what he wants. You may not perceive this to be a problem now, but as Bucharest pointed out, there is no magical day when the understanding switch is flicked to on and your DS will suddenly change. You need to start as you mean to go on, not expect things to change.

[Bucharest]

ohnororo- no it doesn't. But much more likely to be so than the mother,no?

[thestringcheeseincident]

CDs etc no biggie in my eyes. If your mother is truly ok with it.

Being cheeky is not endearing at any age though. My sister/SIL are always welcome to discipline my children if they need to. I trust their judgement.

[LtEveDallas]

fairy,

I dont think your DS is badly parented, or naughty or any of the other things that have been said by some others.

If your DS is playing with something that he has previously been allowed to play with, and no-one else minds, then your sister has no right to tell him to stop.

If your mother (whose house it is) is happy that your DS plays, makes a mess and then you tidy that mess up before you leave, then your sister has no right to tell him to clear up there and then.

If your sister has a problem with your style of parenting then I would calmly say "Oh well, I disagree, still each to their own hey"

Your DS does not need to respect your sister. Respect is earned, not demanded.

A 2 year old acting like a 2 year old is hardly unusual is it? I think the comments about how this lad is being bought up, how he will have problems at school and how he sounds like a brat are bloody ridiculous. Some posters really are being quite bizarre.

[msbuggywinkle]

Tidydancer Is his Granny not capable of deciding what she is happy with in her own home? If she is happy for them to tidy away when they are leaving why does this show a lack of respect?

[TidyDancer]

Hully, no one has said that the child is a sociopath. :)

[Hullygully]

If I walked into a room where my 2 yr old was playing with the same toys he always did (in this case the wretched cds), and my sis was telling him to clear them up, I would be amazed, and I would stick up for him and say No, he has been taught that we do that at the end, not in the middle. It is senseless to do it now, he is playing.

If she then told me he was headed for borstal, I would cry with laughter.

[Hullygully]

But but but, as I said earlier

Have those of you harping on about the poor ignored sister never met any of these people who just love to disapprove and correct and wait to pounce at the slightest excuse?

They really do exist.

[twinklingfairy]

I don't see that a person can't respect another but not necessarily agree with them.
DS is respectful to adults, you are saying he is not. You are wrong.
Sis was at a loose end so decided to get DS to tidy up but he didn't want to yet.
She realised that it was pointless so left him to it.
There is no long term problem here that sis was being so kind as to help me rectify.

[TidyDancer]

I say again, I really don't think this is actually about the CDs. I think the OP needs to step away from that, and speak to her sister about finding a common ground for disciplining. But since you ask, it's because the granny wasn't in the room, therefore the sister was the by default adult in charge.

[usualsuspect]

I would tell your sister to butt out

I understand completely, pick your battles

who wants to spend all day sitting a 2 year old on the naughty step

If you mum was ok with him playing with the cds then I don't quite see your sisters problem

[DogsBestFriend]

""DS didn't agree, he wasn't finished playing".



Words fail me.

[Jjou]

This is all a bit harsh! I would be a bit annoyed if my sister arbitarily told my DS to tidy up something he was playing with. Fair enough if it's clear-up time and he was refusing to do it, but it sounds as though she just randomly told him to pick them up and expected him to do her bidding.
My kids have toys at their Grandparents, they scatter them around whilst they're playing and clear them up at the end.
The 'no' bit does sound a bit cheeky, and probably needs addressing, but YANBU to be irritated with your sister.

[twinklingfairy]

yes. respect is earned not demanded

[ohnororo]

Bucharest- not in this instance no. The sister had been commenting on the child's behaviour for a while, was obviously would up by it and was looking to make a point. I did the same to my sister. I wish I hadn't but she graciously laughs about it/at me now!

Tinydancer- the OP seems pretty clear that what is acceptable at 2 is not at 5 and the child will grow and develop gradually at his own pace. If every wilful cheeky two year old grew into a disrespectful, rude and horrible child the streets wouldnt be safe to walk! I think rude, wilful angry kids are usually those who are unhappy and don't feel safe. Not those who didn't get told off enough at two.

[Hullygully]

twinkling - one of the friends I have who does this (and I love her very dearly) makes it such a nightmare at the dinner table that we have had to stop having her round for evening meals with the kids. The fifty or so other adults that eat with my children on different occasions all find them well-mannered and charming btw, before I am accused of being blinkered.

They can't help themselves, they feel compelled to criticize. I think it is about their own unhappiness finding soft targets.