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AIBU?

To be annoyed by my sisters talk of sorting out my sons behaviour?

240 replies

twinklingfairy · 14/06/2011 13:21

I have a 2.5 yr old son who is a wee monkey who is in a habit of saying no, then stepping forward to do what he just said he wouldn't.
When he is on the loo or wants to be naughty he says 'you go find granny/sister or daddy'

Sis tries to assert her authority over my children everytime she sees them, has done the same with DB girls too. To the point of ruining the enjoyment of dinner for them but being either unaware or unconcerned.

On Sunday she decided that my DS ought to tidy up the CDs that he scatters around Granny's music room everytime we go there to play (we normally tidy up when we leave)
She decided to tell him to do it just because she wanted him to. To which he replied No.
So she told him again, same response, so she tried threatening tones, he told her no, go find granny.
She then gives up realising that it was a pointless battle of wills she was only going to lose and anyway, was it that important? Not really.

So she comes through to me, with her smile, to tell me about what he had done (refusing to do as he was told) and that he had been cheeky to her.
She said that she would have had him on the naughty step for that and that his cheekiness would just not be accepted in her house.
I then end up in an hour long discussion with her over discipline styles during which she tells me she would have a stronger hand, that I have always been soft on my boy (much harder on my older girl), that if she had him for a week she would have him sorted out and that he will get bad reports in school for his cheek.
I said I preferred to think of his cheeky nature as a developing personality that I believe will be pleasant not rude.
And that, when she has children, she will not be saying what she is now and that if she does try to have a firmer hand, her children will be frightened to move for fear of a row. No one could keep up the level of intensity that she intends to have.

My boy will do as he is told (for the most part), he is not rude to strangers and if he is, come on he is 2!
If he doesn't you can normally do the 1, do that, 2 do that 3.... and he will do that for fear of the naughty step which I use regularly. As regularly as I feel in necessary.
Yes I probably am softer on him, but he is a different boy who would scream for hours if he felt inclined. There is only so far you can push it before he ends up spending all day on the step. So I pick my fights.

Arg, see, I am defending myself already!

OP posts:
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twinklingfairy · 14/06/2011 20:20

Yeah, your right but sis has none, for me.

OP posts:
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twinklingfairy · 14/06/2011 20:23

My eldest brother and I though.
No problem.
I was the same, before I had my own I would reprimand them but I would make sure that I was doing it for the same reasons I felt my brother would, using similar lines of communicating.
We understand each other better.

Sis and I?
Not so much.

Again, it is just about her knowing best and enforcing her will as opposed to backing up my methods or reasoning, sorry running out of words and I am sure I am falling short of expressing myself as I mean to.

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thatwasntverycleverwasit · 14/06/2011 20:34

I can't believe the flack the OP is taking here. My 2 year old has a habit of saying 'No' and not meaning it, as do many other toddlers I'm sure. If he usually does as he is told what's the problem? As the OP said he is only 2! I would not be making him clear up to make a point if it is usually done at the end of the visit.
YANBU - your sister will not be so smug when she has her own.

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amberleaf · 14/06/2011 20:37

but you have said that she asked him to tidy up before he was ready.....so at 2 years old he is allowed to anything as and when he pleases??

Thats not really the issue-It wasnt the sisters place to tell him to tidy up, she must have seen previously that the OP gets him to do it before they leave.

That is why the sister was unreasonable and interfering.

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thatwasntverycleverwasit · 14/06/2011 20:38

Oops. Put the wine down. Just realised I only read page one of a 10 page thread!

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Glitterknickaz · 14/06/2011 20:39

the OP's sis obviously gets some kind of weird power trip over bossing kids around until they're miserable..... lovely

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footballmum · 14/06/2011 20:59

You have my sympathies OP, my FIL's wife does exactly the same thing. She has no kids herself and yet is a self proclaimed child expert. Drives me bloody mad! If she plays with my DSs, she decides how the game must be played and if they get it wrong, they have to keep playing until they get it right! If they have a tantrum or falling out she wades in to sort it out. And a dinner table! Oh that is where she rules supreme, constantly telling DSs to shush or sit still or hold their fork this way-it goes on and on!! I fully agree that your sis was out of line. There was obviously no need for her to interfere and even if your DS was a little bit cheeky I find the best policy is to ignore that sort of behaviour and don't let them know they are getting a rise out of you.

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twinklingfairy · 14/06/2011 21:15

That has kinda been my thinking on the 'No's thus far Footballmum.
That it is not worth worrying over, it is just part of being 2.
Though I do think he says it rather a lot and although I can turn a blind eye because I understand him, he is going to start playgroup soon so I think summer will have to be about, no more 'no's. Or 'go finds'

Do you know though, glitter, I had to explain to my DH that in order to get his point across he didn't have to make a child cry.
It was serious stuff he was trying to tell DD about being safe but he kept hammering the point across until I intervened and said enough.
He said he wanted to be sure she understood.
By making her cry?
No! I didn't mean to do that.
I think he just couldn't see the line.
He sees it now.

But perhaps that is sis logic. That she has to be tough so they see she means business. But picking fights with no reason is just dumb.
She will learn that, hopefully.

In the meantime raising her sceptical eyebrow at me when I try to say how I think my way will work is just aggravating.
Well, I will have a firmer hand. I won't take any of that kind of cheek. I just won't. My child will know. I would use the naughty step more.

aye, at 2. On you go. Good luck with that.

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floyjoy · 14/06/2011 21:39

Isn't this pretty much about sibling rivalry between the OP and her sister? OP has kids, sister hasn't but just in case anyone thinks she feels lesser because she hasn't produced grandkids (thereby getting a fair bit of family attention and moving up the pecking order) she wants to point out how badly the OP is raising her DS and how she will be so much better when the time comes.

Don't families at least usually have some kind of informal rule about who can discipline? I always tread carefully with by sis's kids. Not my job, unless something really bad was happening. She does likewise. But you should speak to her if it's really a problem for you.

However, agree that you DS might only be so cute to you! Noticed your your description of DD as 'easygoing' and DS as 'characterful'. Easygoing kids have character. Unless one of your kids has SN, etc. that effects behaviour, you should be treating them equally when it comes to expectations about their behaviour. Don't let the boy away with behaving worse than the girl!

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ZhenXiang · 14/06/2011 21:49

"But for my sis to say that she could sort him out in a week, that he would be the problem child in the class, get bad reports and that I have always been too soft."

Twinkling - I think you know as a parent when your child needs to be told off or not and as you have just said now that DS is getting to nursery age you will start to have different expectations of his behaviour as he is getting older. Don't justify your choices to Sis, tell your Sis that you are not interested in her opinions and that you will no longer discuss it with her as she is unwilling to listen to your wishes regarding discipline of your own child. Sis (sorry got confused and said SIL earlier) clearly does not know what she is talking about, just because he is a bit cheeky now that does not indicate a behaviour problem, he is just asserting himself more as he grows older and it is for you not Sis to decide how far you are prepared to let him go with that. I have found that the slightly cheeky children in my family are often the brighter children who develop a mind of their own earlier, but go on to be good students and are well behaved at school.

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naturalbaby · 14/06/2011 22:12

Brew twinklingfairy, or is it Wine o'clock? good on you for sticking with the thread and the nonsense people are spouting about how your ds has behaviour issues because he stood up for himself and said no to your unreasonable sister's demands.

my 2yr old does know and understand that he can speak to people differently depending on who they are and how familiar they are with them, i'm sure yours is the same. saying no to your unreasonable sil is one thing but i'm sure he'll be a star at playgroup and do exactly what he is told, when he is asked to do it (with no 'backchat'!)

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Knax · 14/06/2011 22:17

Cheeky cow, tell her to butt out Grin

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BoneyBackJefferson · 14/06/2011 22:37

"DS didn't want to.
He said so."

Please home school

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Gooseberrybushes · 14/06/2011 22:40

He sounds like he is being a bit too naughty for "cheekiness" - but your sister's behaviour is counter-productive and highly typical of relatives who do not have children yet or who have grown children.

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merlincat · 14/06/2011 22:47

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