To be upset with DH about the treatment of DD?

[Fionann]

It's DS's 3rd birthday so DH promised DD (5) the day off school, not something I would have done but I didn't feel I could say no after he's said yes as they were both so exited.

We got DD a few presents to open as well and for teh first hour everything was fine but then DH started to get in a really bad mood and kept telling DD of for taking the toys DS wanted to play with and generally not playing nicely & being grumpy.

Dh then told her off for the fourth time and said he was taking her into school, she cried and screamed and he made her go and put her uniform on, she then came downstairs and was crying and grabbing my legs and promising she would be good, it was really awful but he took her off to school....DD doesn't handle exitement well and can be bossy to DS but I think DH was overeacted.

AIBU?

Fgs of course the op's husband (and possibly the op) made some bad judgement calls but to say the op's husband was bullying without more information is frankly bonkers.

The dad gave some warnings regarding bad behaviour and offered a consequence. We can argue about the appropriateness of consequence he gave her but it was not an aggressive or abusive consequence in any way.

Of course the 5 year old cried and protested, what 5 year old wouldn't I would only say the dad was bullying if he behaved in an angry way towards the child. If he calmly insisted she get dressed, ignored her cries and took her to school, how on earth is that bullying?If on the other hand he grabbed the child , shouted at her and dragged her to school etc than maybe the behaviour was bullying.

The fact that the 5 year old was screaming does not tell us if the father was behaving inappropriately. Whether the behaviour was bullying depends on how the dad implemented his (admitedly slightly ill-judged) decision and not on how the 5 year old behaved.

Without more information from the OP about the way in which her husband implemented the consequence, I fail to see how it can be characterised as bullying.

Of course if your view of parenting is that children must never been coerced into doing anythign whatsover (and I know some parents agree with that) then I suppose you could say the father was bullying the child.

If you don't have that view (which I don't), I see nothing in the OP to tell me that the dad was bullying the child. That doesn't mean that he wasn't of course, just that I see no evidence of it from what the OP has posted.

Wow people are being really harsh to you OP! It sounds to me that things just escalated (which can happen to anyone) and your DH didn't stop for a minute to think about what he was doing which would have been a good idea. Sending her to her room to calm down would have done the trick.

It can be hard sometimes if one of you says what the punishment is going to be, sends child to naughty step etc for the other to step in and say actually no that's over the top, as then you are into undermining territory.

Sometimes we have that problem and I take my DH to one side and say that I think he is just stressed and wouldn't react that way if he wasn't or that maybe the punishment is a bit harsh. The problem is though is if the child sees you doing this or realises for themselves what is happening as then you end up with the child not seeing you as a united front and things one of you is the soft one/tries to play you against each other. It is a difficult juggling act which I don't think anyone is acknowledging on here.

the DH in this sounds a bit like the sort of father/person my dad is.

i clearly remember packing the car up for our annual holiday. teh holiday itself was always a bone of contention as my dad never wanted to take teh time off work but mum persuaded him to. so we would be all excited because we were going to the caravan park and then the packing would begin, and mum would warn us to stay out of his way. so we would go and sit away from the car and watch as his patience grew thinner, he'd start grumbling to himself, then cursing, then throwing things back out of teh boot of teh car because he couldn't get it all to fit, then mum woul dtell him to calm down and he would tell her to do it her fucking self. then he'd storm into the house. mum would follow him. short time later come back out and say "girls take your bags back into teh house. we're not going on holiday" all because he couldn't make a fucking bag fit in the car. my dad's an arsehole too.

i see a similarity in how the OP's DH didn't have things going as he planned so he overreacted and ruined the day for everyone else.

BTW not saying teh DH's recation was anywhere near the same scale as my dad's. just that the over reaction at things not going exactly his way and ruining teh whole day seemed familiar to me. a bit like throwing teh baby out with the bathwater.

I don't think anyone has set themselves up as the perfect parent, kerstina and I agree that it is important to follow through with warnings. But ffs, get the warnings in perspective!! To send a 5 year old into school as a punishment for getting grumpy is wrong on all sorts of levels.

BooyHoo

You mean he was serious and you actually didn't go on holiday that year?

Fuck that!

yes, we didn't go. this happened at least 3 times (3 separate years i mean)
one year mum took the initiative and booked a few nights in a BnB for herself, Dsis and I. that was quite enjoyable. no tension. it was good.

I totally agree with Feckwit-well said..
OP we all make mistakes and at sometime or other think "why didnt i say something" so give yourself a break and you know to say something next time,dont worry..

Bullying isn't always about being physical. Even if he didn't hit, grab or drag her around it doesn't mean that he wasn't a bully. Bullying can be defined as being cruel and overbearing which maybe the father was. Besides, you can be icely calm and controlled and still be a bully. I don't know if the guy was bullying, but if the DD was as upset as the OP made her sound and he still managed to get her to school I don't think he could have managed that without some sort of force, whether physical or psychological.

Anyway, that wasn't really what I wanted to say - it was a bad incident, there are lessons to be learnt and it must be upsetting for everybody but that has all been said many times.

I just wanted to say that I remember being given the day off for my brother's birthday when I was about 5. I doubt it was planned but I vaguely remember some minor ailment that I would normally have had to put up with but which was justification enough to stay home. Anyway, no big scenes or dramas and I still remember it nearly 40 years later. It was a one off which maybe why I remember but hopefully it will be a one off for this family too. I wouldn't expect the DD to forget this in a hurry.

Bloody hell! so sorry to hear that.

And I thought I was a grumpy dad sometimes!

It would appear that the consensus of opinion is that Reality has their feet firmly on the ground, while you and your DH are living in cloud cuckoo land.

Quite apart from 'education as punishment' and unwarranted absence from school, what message are you both sending your daughter when she doesn't get a day off school for her birthday but gets a day off for her brother's birthday?

From your account it seems that, regardless of what caused your DH's bad mood, your daughter was punished by being completely excluded from the family celebration for doing what comes naturally in wanting to play with her brother's toys.

What happens when your ds wants to play with your dd's toys - or is stereotypical behavour strictly enforced in your home?

There was no need for any of this to have happened given that your ds's birthday is, presumably, not being fully celebrated until his fancy dress party on Saturday.

Fortunately your DH won't be able to rely on school to pick up the pieces if your dd kicks off at the party, but my concern is that he has a short fuse coupled with an unrealistic expectation of the behavour of small children.

FTR, did your DH award himself a day off work for his son's birthday? Does he also take a day off for his daughter birthday?

I suggest you both take a long hard look at your parenting techniques because if you continue in this vein it won't be surprising if your dcs grow up to have less than fond memories of their childhoods.

Aw Booyhoo. That's awful pet.

How awfully sad for your little DD . I really hope she bounces back and forgets about it quickly, though I know if I were to do this to my 5 year old she'd remember it for a long time. I have to agree with Dittany, your H does seem to be a bully and needs to learn how to control his temper. Such a severe punishment for being 'over-excited' was certainly unfair and unwarranted.

god what a crazily unhelpful thread

OP I don't think letting a 5yo have a cheeky day off school for a special family outing is the end of the word - she has the rest of her life to be a slave to routine and obligations

and I don't think the little pressies were excessive either

you sound like a lovely little family to me

If I read you right, your dh was excited and keyed up himself about your ds's birthday, wanted it all to go perfectly and then got upset and lost his rag when it didn't

he probably feels awful now

and your dd will have been looked after by the teacher and her friends and will be OK in the long run

I think you need to have a big gruop cuddle and apology after school and maybe go out for pizza or something

nothing in your posts suggests to me that you are a passive wife, or your dh a bullying monster fgs

MN is just loopy at the moment

Cripes, BooyHoo

I've cancelled some things when, on reflection, I might have been overreacting a teensy bit - but nothing on that scale.

I do think occassionally losing the plot (and I don't mean in a way that is abusive) is no bad thing. If one acts utterly unreasonably then it follows that others might react unreasonably too - and that's a lesson in itself. Goes both ways though - and I wouldn't recommend it as an actual strategy.

YABU and so is your DH. What was your DD supposed to be doing when she was 'punished' by being taken to school? Yoou've said she was overexctied and snatching DS's toys? Did anyone tell her what she WAS supposed to do?

I guess you tell her most days that she must go to school and it's really important (as will school, with prizes for attendance etc). Then you change that rule for the day (or DH does, which you disagree with but dont have the backbone to say so).

How does she know which rules are important? Or which behaviour you really want? She was probably well aware of your difference of opinion (my DC can spot a cats bum face a mile off), and was even more confused.

Not sure why you posted as you clearly don't think YABU. But please have a conversation with your DH about how you will mae decisions in future.

"Dh then told her off for the fourth time and said he was taking her into school, she cried and screamed and he made her go and put her uniform on, she then came downstairs and was crying and grabbing my legs and promising she would be good, it was really awful but he took her off to school....DD doesn't handle exitement well and can be bossy to DS but I think DH was overeacted."

She doesn' handle excitment well - which you both knew - better to teach her how to than just punish her. I think DH did act in a bullying way - not saying he is always a bully but this was WAY OTT. Added to the fact it would have been a 'full scale row' to debate it with him doesn't bode well. Dittany has made some good points - you should be more interested in protecting your DC than being 'happy' with DH!

bul·lied, bul·ly·ing, bul·lies
v.tr.

1. To treat in an overbearing or intimidating manner. See Synonyms at intimidate.
2. To make (one's way) aggressively

HTH

The OP has said DH does not usually behave like this, so I think he has to be given the benefit of the doubt.

I think most little ones get a bit jealous over siblings birthdays. OP you said DD played nicely for an hour, so when she started misbehaving I would have distracted her. Maybe helping with breakfast or getting things ready to go out?

DS would have been left in peace and DD would have felt she was being helpful.

Can you both talk to her this afternoon? Let her know you made a mistake by offering that she could stay away from school, say it's easy to get carried away with the excitement of a birthday, get DH to apologise that he got so cross with her. And then all choose a new game you can play together and forget about it. Until next year when you won't make the same mistake again :)

Great advice better

Have just brought DD home from school, she was absolutely fine and said she had a really good afternoon and was glad she went in because they had golden time.

DH and I have talked and took DS out and DH and DD have spoken as well, DH explaining why he was cross.

The school were also absolutely fine and wished DS a happy birthday.

I however feel quite upset at being called an arsehole and a bully. I fully understand people are only giving their honest opinions as requested but names like that can be very hurtful, even when typed by strangers over the internet.

I'm glad it ended well and I agree that the name calling is distasteful and pointless. I do still think you dh's behaviour was strangely extreme though. It's something i would want to discourage.