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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with DH about the treatment of DD?

204 replies

Fionann · 09/06/2011 10:43

It's DS's 3rd birthday so DH promised DD (5) the day off school, not something I would have done but I didn't feel I could say no after he's said yes as they were both so exited.

We got DD a few presents to open as well and for teh first hour everything was fine but then DH started to get in a really bad mood and kept telling DD of for taking the toys DS wanted to play with and generally not playing nicely & being grumpy.

Dh then told her off for the fourth time and said he was taking her into school, she cried and screamed and he made her go and put her uniform on, she then came downstairs and was crying and grabbing my legs and promising she would be good, it was really awful but he took her off to school....DD doesn't handle exitement well and can be bossy to DS but I think DH was overeacted.

AIBU?

OP posts:
saffy85 · 09/06/2011 11:11

Doubt Reality is the only one thinking your DCs have arsehole parents- bet your DD's teacher wont be thinking very highly of you either. Giving your DD the day off(!), taking it away again, using school as punishment and probably your DickheadHusband leaving the school staff to deal with his very upset DD.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 09/06/2011 11:12
Themumsnot · 09/06/2011 11:13

OK - you both screwed up as I think should be obvious from the reactions of various posters. Grin
First of all - your DH should not have promised your DD a day off school.
Having done that he should certainly not have then taken her in. As other posters have said it is unkind to her, it is fostering the idea that school is bad and being there a punishment and it has turned a day that should have been a happy one for your family into a very unhappy event. And your DH is certainly wrong to say you could have overruled him once he had actually made this promise to her - that would be making you into the bad cop, which I assume you have already pointed out to him.
However Fionann - you are falling into the trap of taking a passive-aggressive approach to your DH's behaviour, rather than try to actually find some solutions here. It is easy to take the moral high ground, but actually you have both screwed up and you need to fix this.
So, first of all you need to establish some parenting ground rules here. I suggest number one should be that you don't unilaterally promise your DC something (like a day off school) without consulting the other parent first. That was the first mistake.
Second, when he lost it with your DD, you should have stepped in, taken him aside, out of his hearing and reasoned with him rather than taking the very passive-aggressive stance that you did. It should be about your DD's needs, not about point scoring, which is what you turned it into.
Parenting isn't easy, you do make it up as you go along, but if you can treat this incident as a learning point for both of you and talk it over calmly, rather than get into a blame situation, it will be more helpful for you as a family.

BooyHoo · 09/06/2011 11:13

she wasn't warned squeaky. he just said he was taking her back and then told her to put her uniform on.

GypsyMoth · 09/06/2011 11:13

School were fine about her being taken in upset as well were they??

LadyThumb · 09/06/2011 11:13

Shouldn't have had the day off, and certainly shouldn't have had presents. School is a punishment now, eh?

Merrylegs · 09/06/2011 11:13

Are you OK, OP?

Where is your voice?

squeezemebakingpowder · 09/06/2011 11:16

I never understand giving a gift to the child who's birthday it isn't! But that aside, how dreadful for your dd! If your dh said she could have a day off, and you didn't dispute the fact, then the poor child shouldn't be dragged back to school, because she got a bit giddy over the presents you and your dh bought her on her brother's birthday! Hmm
As another poster has said, she may now associate school as a place of punishment!

itisnearlysummer · 09/06/2011 11:16

My DD is the same age as yours. I do actually find this quite upsetting, I can't imagine putting her through this. What an awful experience for her.

The school won't have been 'fine' with it. And your cards will be marked. That means that every time your DD has an issue at school, they will wonder what has happened at home...

MadamMemoo · 09/06/2011 11:18

I think we need to lay of the OP a little. She fucked up, haven't we all fucked up at times?? She needs advice not a public flogging.

exhausted2011 · 09/06/2011 11:18

you know he's unreasonable.
I feel very sad for your DD.

your DH sounds very mean.
Coming from someone who has a very mean husband, it sounds like the balance is not right here. Are you usually afraid of your husband? not wanting to cause a row?
Does he usually do stuff like this?

exhausted2011 · 09/06/2011 11:19

MadamMemoo, I agree.

Original poster
Fionann · 09/06/2011 11:19

Well I'm just reading the posts, I think the general consensus is that we are arsehole parents who are emotionally abusing our children Hmm

OP posts:
BelieveInPink · 09/06/2011 11:20

Wow, that is some cruel behaviour. That poor girl.

I could never go through with something like that, or stand aside and watch DH do it to my daughter.

itisnearlysummer · 09/06/2011 11:20

I think it was probably just a very bad call on this occasion and the general consensus is that you should go with your gut feelings as a mum. If you think your DH is wrong, you need to challenge it.

exhausted2011 · 09/06/2011 11:21

Fionann.
It's his birthday, you wanted it to be a happy occasion for both your children, now it's gone wrong.
It's not the end of the world, but if this is a pattern, then best you sort it our now

Give yourself a break.

allhailtheaubergine · 09/06/2011 11:21

Fionann you sound very passive in all of this.

You didn't want her to have a day off in the first place - so why didn't you say something. You have said you realise now you should have, but I am wondering what stopped you at the time?

And you didn't intervene when your husband was dragging your screaming child out of the house. Even when she was grabbing your legs?

It all sounds rather physical - I'm not sure I could wrestle my fighting 5-yo into her uniform against her will without hurting her.

What is your husband's general role in the family? It's interesting that you say it was your dh starting to get grumpy after the first house, rather than your dd starting to misbehave.

Your husband doesn't sound like a very nice man from what you have said here :(

BooyHoo · 09/06/2011 11:22

"I think the general consensus is that we are arsehole parents who are emotionally abusing our children "

ok OP well what is your opinion of teh effect this will have on yoru DD? you posted about your annoyance with your DH, why are you annoyed with him if you dont think he has done any harm?

ElizabethDarcy · 09/06/2011 11:22

  • Giving a child the day of school for their/sibling's birthday?
  • Giving a child gifts for sibling's birthday?
  • Re-nagging on the 'no school' and taking her to school in that state
  • Using school as a 'punishment'... school should be a place of enjoyment, learning and discovery... never a negative.

As a childminder I find the whole episode odd and very confusing for the children involved Hmm

SuePurblybilt · 09/06/2011 11:22

I don't think you're arseholes. But it reads like a list of mistakes and I think a lot of posters are upset at the image of your 5yo dragged confused and crying into school. As are you, obviously.
No long-term harm done, go for a treat with the whole family after school, learn from this and fgs have a big discussion with your DH about your future strategies. To be honest what worries me the most is that you didn't feel able to challenge him when your child was crying and you thought he was wrong. I think you need to address that.

itisnearlysummer · 09/06/2011 11:23

I think you're just getting a bit of an insight into the minds of lots of mums who are putting themselves in your position and their children in your DDs position and you are getting very genuine emotional reactions.

Take it on the chin, discuss with DH and don't let it happen again. Smile

I do think the school will be slow to forget it though.

Original poster
Fionann · 09/06/2011 11:23

He has warned he twice that if she didn't start to behave she wouldn't be coming on the trip and would be going to school, it was the third time he actually told her to get her uniform on, this (rightly or wrongly) made me hesitant to say hang on a minute, she's staying put.

OP posts:
atswimtwolengths · 09/06/2011 11:24

This is just a classic example of bad parenting from both of you.

Merrylegs · 09/06/2011 11:24

Sad you all sound very cross with each other.

atswimtwolengths · 09/06/2011 11:26

So your daughter behaves badly (after being spoiled with presents on someone else's birthday) and you faced a full scale row.

Is there ever any peace and quiet and proper communication in your house?

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