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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with DH about the treatment of DD?

204 replies

Fionann · 09/06/2011 10:43

It's DS's 3rd birthday so DH promised DD (5) the day off school, not something I would have done but I didn't feel I could say no after he's said yes as they were both so exited.

We got DD a few presents to open as well and for teh first hour everything was fine but then DH started to get in a really bad mood and kept telling DD of for taking the toys DS wanted to play with and generally not playing nicely & being grumpy.

Dh then told her off for the fourth time and said he was taking her into school, she cried and screamed and he made her go and put her uniform on, she then came downstairs and was crying and grabbing my legs and promising she would be good, it was really awful but he took her off to school....DD doesn't handle exitement well and can be bossy to DS but I think DH was overeacted.

AIBU?

OP posts:
superjobeespecs · 09/06/2011 11:26

i feel sick to my stomach for your poor kids!! what an awful thing to do!! giving her the day off was wrong giving her presents on her bros birthday is something i would maybe consider for a 2 yr old NOT a 5 year old then to punish the poor wee girl by sending her to school?!! that is just god awful you and your DH need to seriously sort out your parenting strategies my god!!!!!!!

itisnearlysummer · 09/06/2011 11:27

The problem is OP, that once it had got to the warnings/going into school after all stage, it had all gone too far anyway and there wasn't really an ideal solution to the situation.

It sounds a little bit like (assuming DH isn't an overbearing bully) that daddy got a little bit over excited at the notion of having the whole family spend the day together, then when it wasn't going quite how he imagined it would, he over reacted and punished DD because his own unrealistic expectations hadn't been met.

DH was perhaps a little over excited which was why he suggested it, then punished DD for being a bit over excited... Just a very sad day.

meltedchocolate · 09/06/2011 11:27

This situation was not good, from both of you. You can't just sit by and let your husband mistreat your daughter. Learn from it and move on. Do not push blame solely onto your husband.

nickelbabe · 09/06/2011 11:28
  1. your DH shouldn't have told you and her and the school that she was having the day off for her brother's birthday (and especially not before he asked you to discuss it with him!)
  2. she shouldn't have got presents at 5yo for someone else's birthday - she is old enough to know it's his special day.
  3. your DH should not have used going to school as a punishment for getting over-excited
  4. he souldn't have lost his patience with her in the first place
  5. you both need to help her learn not to get so over-excited in the first place (this one's tricky, though!)
  6. the school wouldn't have been expecting her so that would be confusing for them and just annoying.
  7. you should have put your foot down in the first place
  8. this isn't a 3 times and you're out situation - he's made school look like a bad place to be - you can have the day off as a special treat, but you'll lose that special treat if you don't do exactly what I say - he's given her conflicting messages.
  9. I agree with Reality. you were both way wrong about the whole situation.
Themumsnot · 09/06/2011 11:29

I did actually attempt to give you some advice, Fionann.
To summarise:
Discuss decisions together before communicating them to your DC.
Agree appropriate sanctions between you.
When one parent is getting it wrong, step in and help sort it out, don't passively criticise from the sidelines.

ooohyouareawfulbutilikeyou · 09/06/2011 11:29

No long-term harm done,

Hmm

hope you all, well the three of you, had a lovely afternoon out Hmm

ReindeerBollocks · 09/06/2011 11:30

Why threaten her with school on the first place though?

I completely with carrying out punishments but once you both made the decision to keep her off, she should stay off. Plus you said she wasn't being overly naughty but excitable. Surely down time of 5 minutes would have been far more effective than this.

The fact that you didn't agree with any of your DH's behaviour but let him carry on regardless is concerning. Please don't start defending his actions just because posters have been harsh with you. You know his behaviour wasn't right in the first place, hence you posting.

I would have a word with your DH and I'd probably allow DD to come to whatever you were planning, after school. Don't punish her further for both yours and your DH's mistake in dealing with this incident correctly.

meltedchocolate · 09/06/2011 11:30

and totally agree with super with regards to presents for a 5 year old. A FEW presents? I get giving a bag of sweets so they have a very small thing to enjoy but surely at five years old they can appreciate this day is about their sibling? Spoil her then punish her? Mixed messages.

scarletfingernail · 09/06/2011 11:31

How horrible of him to have punished her in this way. I too think this will be something she'll remember forever, if not a very long time. I'm also shocked about the day off school in the first place and getting presents for her brother's birthday.

And now your DS's birthday has now been ruined for him as you are all in a bad mood.

ReindeerBollocks · 09/06/2011 11:31

*in the first place.

Maryz · 09/06/2011 11:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IslaValargeone · 09/06/2011 11:34

Presents for siblings and days off from school aside, and then using school as a punishment?? wtf I am Shock and :( at the picture you have described of the screaming 5 year old. On one hand I don't want to make you feel bad, but by the same token, I wonder at what point you say to yourself that you have a responsibility to intervene? The fact that you didn't step in to protect your dd I find quite worrying. There is a nasty imbalance in your relationship where you can't stand up for yourself or your children, and this needs addressing pronto.

squeakytoy · 09/06/2011 11:35

I am going against the majority here.

I doubt this is going to start a lifelong battle with getting the child to go to school, or make school traumatic for her.

She was told she could have the day off. (wrong, but there we go and the Op agrees with that too)

She was told to behave of she would have to forgo the treat and go to school. (Op has confirmed the child was warned).

Children get sent to bed all the time for being naughty, or miss out on treats. It doesnt make school look like a bad place to be, and will not have any long lasting impact on her. Of course she was going to cry, that is what 5yo's do when they are not getting their own way.

BooyHoo · 09/06/2011 11:35

Maryz, plenty of posters have been giving advice on how to move on from this Hmm

kitbit · 09/06/2011 11:36

Now that it's done you need to fix it. It's ok to admit to your kids that you got it wrong sometimes, so I think a calm chat with DD to explain what happened would go some way to building that bridge again.
Explain that she wasn't behaving well, but equally the punishment was a bit strong and you understand that.

Then tell your dh to control his temper and not to be such a bully. ffs what was he thinking, massive overreaction Angry

BooyHoo · 09/06/2011 11:38

"It doesnt make school look like a bad place to be, and will not have any long lasting impact on her."

squeaky how can you know what way this will affect the little girl? it stands to reason that if you make something a punishment, the child will associate that thing with feeling punished.

Maryz · 09/06/2011 11:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lovecat · 09/06/2011 11:40

Face. Palm.

That poor little girl :(

feckwit · 09/06/2011 11:40

I think this has been blown completely out of hand and is getting ridiculous.

No, I wouldn't have given my child presents on their sibling's birthday but plenty of people do, I am certain that in isolation will not lead to your child beng a spoilt brat.

No, I wouldn't let my child stay off school but everyone takes their chidlren out for differeing reasons on occaion and again, I doubt it will do any harm.

Your child misbehaved, your husband threatened her with school. Not the wisest move but easily done in anger. He then carried it through after more warnings? Well yes he should, if he threatened it, he had to do it surely?

Tonight I would collect your daughter and say you re sorry the morning got angry, you are proud of her for going to shool nd now you are all going out for tea.

Comments that you are crap parents, will produce mixed up kids, are bullies etc are daft.

You just got it wrong - don't we all?

Have a nice day!

Lovecat · 09/06/2011 11:41

Sorry for bandwagon jumping, there, maryz, but I don't think the OP does know it, not by the use of the Hmm on her last post.

I'm with Reality on this one.

squeakytoy · 09/06/2011 11:41

BooyHoo, she was old enough to know that being allowed to stay off school was a special treat. Therefore by misbehaving, she lost out on the special treat, and had to just carry on as normal.

She has just gone back to school, and back to her normal routine.

valiumredhead · 09/06/2011 11:42

I am utterly stunned.......in fact speechless.....which doesn't happen often I can tell you! Grin

LindyHemming · 09/06/2011 11:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LetThereBeCake · 09/06/2011 11:42

OP: hope you have a better day tomorrow :)

Maryz · 09/06/2011 11:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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