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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with DH about the treatment of DD?

204 replies

Fionann · 09/06/2011 10:43

It's DS's 3rd birthday so DH promised DD (5) the day off school, not something I would have done but I didn't feel I could say no after he's said yes as they were both so exited.

We got DD a few presents to open as well and for teh first hour everything was fine but then DH started to get in a really bad mood and kept telling DD of for taking the toys DS wanted to play with and generally not playing nicely & being grumpy.

Dh then told her off for the fourth time and said he was taking her into school, she cried and screamed and he made her go and put her uniform on, she then came downstairs and was crying and grabbing my legs and promising she would be good, it was really awful but he took her off to school....DD doesn't handle exitement well and can be bossy to DS but I think DH was overeacted.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Reality · 09/06/2011 11:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Irksome · 09/06/2011 11:00

he's being a right tit! Poor dd.

(although I admit I always give non-birthday child a small present, but that's probably another thread!)

snailoon · 09/06/2011 11:01

I don't think there's anything wrong with the occasional day off school. I know lots of people disagree, but I have always taken each child out several times a year, and done something fun, or just had a quiet day, and it has been wonderful. Our three kids have always done this, have never pretended to be sick hoping to stay home, and have always gone to school fairly happily or sometimes really happily.

How could he drag her in screaming after telling her she was staying home? That is awful, and you should have intervened.

GypsyMoth · 09/06/2011 11:01

Er,what reason for absence had you given the school??

MaxSchreck · 09/06/2011 11:02

Your DH sounds like a bully. Is he?

GypsyMoth · 09/06/2011 11:02

And then what did you tell them when she was taken in?

GeekCool · 09/06/2011 11:02

It was a really horrible situation but I didn't want to have a full scale row with him and say no she is not going to school.

You didn't need a full scale row. You take him away and tell him it's an horrendous thing to do. How can you go from telling off to that kind of 'punishment' so quickly is beyond me. A time out, a removal of a toy etc but I'm just gobsmacked you allowed this.
I think you need to stop blaming it all your OH and shoulder some responsibility too.

Hullygully · 09/06/2011 11:02

It was a mistake and a bad error of judgment.

Use it to learn from and move on in a slightly more rational fashion.

Original poster
Fionann · 09/06/2011 11:03

Reality - is it lonely up there on your ivory tower?

OP posts:
BooyHoo · 09/06/2011 11:04

i acn just imagine him rocking up at the school an hour late witha screaming 5 year old saying "sorry, we're late. i was going to take her out for her brother's birthday but she's doing my head in now so you can have her. see you at 2"

MIFLAW · 09/06/2011 11:05

A day off for a birthday? FFS. My daughter (3) is in full time (i.e. non-compulsory) nursery and, unless something special was happening (visit from grandparents etc), she wouldn't get a day off for her OWN birthday!

Also, unless a treat (like a day off) is explicitly promised as a reward for being good (e.g. behave and you can have a lolly) it shouldn't be taken away for being bad - the punishment should be something else (5 mins on naughty step, for example).

And, yeah, crap idea to make a punishment out of anything you really need to be perceived as positive later.

Mad, mad situation.

Just my opinion, of course.

DoMeDon · 09/06/2011 11:05

And what is his 'punishment' for losing his temper and being an arse? He is setting a terrible example and being a bully. Poor girl. Seems she is spoiled then punished - vicious circle you are creating there as parents. I would have had the full scale row with him - you should have protected her. YANBU to be angry with him but YABU in the way you behaved too.

Bramshott · 09/06/2011 11:05

Eeek. Okay, so it's happened now, what you need to work out is how to move on.

If I were you, I'd go all together to pick her up, try to get DH to apologise for over-reacting this morning, and then all go out for a lovely tea somewhere to celebrate DS's birthday.

Reality · 09/06/2011 11:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

buzzsore · 09/06/2011 11:06

You sound very passive. Do you usually give in to your DH in case he kicks off?

He sounds out of control and bullying, it's one thing if you let him do it to you, (which I suspect you do), but you're a mum. You have to stand up to be counted for your children's sake.

Original poster
Fionann · 09/06/2011 11:06

He told the school we were going out for the day for her brothers birthday, they were fine about it, it's not something we've done before

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 09/06/2011 11:06

Well, I'll make no comment on the whole day off, presents on someone else's birthday, everyone else has pretty well covered it.

What I would love to know is - what is your husband pplanning to say to the school when he turns up with your daughter well after the bell? What reason is he going to give for her being so late. Because the truth would go down like a lead balloon with the school. As it should. But on the plus side, should cure him of implementing this insane idea ever again.

Reality · 09/06/2011 11:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DoMeDon · 09/06/2011 11:07

Reality needs no back up - but 'ivory tower' - get a grip OP! It was arseholio behaviour on ALL counts!!

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/06/2011 11:07

X-post. Seriously surprised by the school's behaviour. But since you told them that in advance - what do you think they'll be thinking about the cancellation?

AnnieLobeseder · 09/06/2011 11:08

Wow. Can you say 'bully' (your DH) and 'spoiled brats' (your DCs). A few presents for her brother's birthday? My children only get a few when it's their actual birthday. And one, very small 'unbirthday' present for the sibling.

As for taking your DD out of school - totally irresponsible and unnecessary.

But the absolute worst bit was a) your DH taking her to school as a punishment and b) you letting him.

You both really need to re-think your parenting or you're going to have some seriously screwed-up children.

lisad123 · 09/06/2011 11:09

will you please grow something!! You are her parent too. So DH said she could have the day off, you dont do anything, he then says she has to go to school because his had enough, and you bloodly let him do it!!
Im all for parents doing the united front but clearly you shoudl have done something.
You are both wrong on both cases, and your poor kids are getting very mixed messages! She cant have a day off school every year for DB birthday so why start it.

squeakytoy · 09/06/2011 11:09

She shouldnt even have a day off for her own birthday, never mind her brothers.

You are going to end up with two bratty kids.

I dont see the father as being a bully though. The child was told off and warned, so he carried through the threat.

If she is aware that being allowed to miss school was a treat, then she will understand that by misbehaving, she lost out on the treat, but in all honesty, it shouldnt ever have been made a treat in the first place.

ooohyouareawfulbutilikeyou · 09/06/2011 11:10

another reason people should have compulsory parenting classes before they are allowed to be in charge of another human being

BooyHoo · 09/06/2011 11:10

the school were fine about? Shock so they really value your DD's education tehn? just what you want in a school isn't it.