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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with DH about the treatment of DD?

204 replies

Fionann · 09/06/2011 10:43

It's DS's 3rd birthday so DH promised DD (5) the day off school, not something I would have done but I didn't feel I could say no after he's said yes as they were both so exited.

We got DD a few presents to open as well and for teh first hour everything was fine but then DH started to get in a really bad mood and kept telling DD of for taking the toys DS wanted to play with and generally not playing nicely & being grumpy.

Dh then told her off for the fourth time and said he was taking her into school, she cried and screamed and he made her go and put her uniform on, she then came downstairs and was crying and grabbing my legs and promising she would be good, it was really awful but he took her off to school....DD doesn't handle exitement well and can be bossy to DS but I think DH was overeacted.

AIBU?

OP posts:
IslaValargeone · 09/06/2011 12:13

She wasn't playing nicely.

Original poster
Fionann · 09/06/2011 12:20

She was snatching and being mean and had been repeatedaly asked to stop. She was just over exited really.

Please don't worry about the situation is respect of mine & DH's relationship, this is not a regular occurence and although it may seem so DH is not a bully, he just made some bad decisions (as did I) and reacted in an inappropriate way, we will be having a talk about it.

OP posts:
dittany · 09/06/2011 12:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BertieBotts · 09/06/2011 12:23

Okay :) Hope you get it sorted out.

dittany · 09/06/2011 12:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StealthPolarBear · 09/06/2011 12:24

I asked about my mum buying DS presents on DD's birthday as I thought it was unnecessary and was unanimously told IWBU!

jenrendo · 09/06/2011 12:24

Personally, as a teacher, I have kids off every week for various birthdays, getting a new TV delivered, taking the cat to the vet blah blah blah. It's not on but unfortunately happens more than you think. That doesn't make it ok though. However, OP needs to be given a break IMO. I don't think it will be happening again! Make sure you and DH are singing from the same hymn sheet and try to enjoy the rest of your day.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 09/06/2011 12:24

Hully has summed this up.

We all make mistakes and all make errors of judgment. Anyone who claims otherwise is lying. Or a freak.

YANBU to be upset, but YABU to go along with the day off thing anyway.

Ormirian · 09/06/2011 12:25

That is just cruel!

I'd struggle to forgive that TBH.

squeakytoy · 09/06/2011 12:25

Protect her from what Dittany ??Hmm ... he wasnt beating her, or verbally abusing her. He was carrying out a threat to take her back to school.

Parents shouldnt contradict each other in front of children, as it leads to the kids knowing they can play off mum and dad against each other. Sometimes you have to show a united front even if you disagree with the decision, as the Op did.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 09/06/2011 12:27

he can't expect his five year old daughter to exercise self control when he's exhibiting none himself

Indeed dittany - ds and I are fine examples Blush

I'm getting way, way better though (as is he). Nip this in the bud, OP.

dittany · 09/06/2011 12:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

razzlebathbone · 09/06/2011 12:32

Quite upsetting to read this OP. Poor little thing.

Rosebud05 · 09/06/2011 12:34

Well, day off school and presents on sibling's birthday isn't a decision I've made but each to their own.

Expecting your dd to 'play nicely' with new toys for her younger brother is a very unrealistic expectation. I don't know how you'd expect a 5 year old to behave in this situation, but her behaviour sounds exactly like I'd expect a 5 year old to behave.

Your dh's behaviour was awful. Your dd will remember this for the rest of her life and being punished by being taken into school when she had been promised the day off is awful.

Can't imagine that dd copping he end of your dh's temper will do much to enhance sibling relations either.

Anyway, big fuss of ds today. Big fuss of dd when she gets home from school. Debrief and best foot forward with dh this evening.

BalloonSlayer · 09/06/2011 12:34

" it stands to reason that if you make something a punishment, the child will associate that thing with feeling punished."

So if you take a child to a soft-play centre, or toddler group, or a party - you know, those sort of places you go to as a treat - and they misbehave, so after warnings, you take them home, what does that make home?

And anyone that thinks that kids go from reception to sixth form thinking that school is a wonderful nurturing place that they just can't wait to spring out of bed and rush to, is in cloud cuckoo land. My DCs adore school but by God you should have seen their joy when it was cancelled because it was closed.

FWIW I don't agree with taking DCs out of school for a day out. However, many parents do it.

It was obviously badly handled - lack of advance agreement by the OP and her DH - but nothing like the picture some of you have painted.

OP - I would say to me the issue is possibly your DH's rose tinted vision of the "perfect family day" which couldn't withstand reality.

squeakytoy · 09/06/2011 12:34

Five year olds are great at throwing tantrums.

My granddaughter cried, screamed and kicked because it was time to leave the soft play area.

Should I have just left her there?

He didnt lose his temper, he got annoyed with the child because she was being naughty, not listening to his warnings to behave, and therefore he carried out the threat to remove her treat.

If the op had then forced him to not take her to school, that sends out the message that Dad can be over-ridden by Mum, Mum lets me get my own way... not good.

BooyHoo · 09/06/2011 12:34

i dont know about your DH but if i had had to drag my (5 year old) son off someone's legs and into school i would feel wretched for teh rest of teh day. i would be feeling so guilty that i put him through that, especially as it was a result of my own quick temper.

what is he saying about it now OP?

dittany · 09/06/2011 12:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IslaValargeone · 09/06/2011 12:38

I don't think Hully has summed this up at all tbh.
I don't think anyone is claiming not to have made parenting mistakes, but the Op asked, and she got. Nobody was too harsh, people were concerned just as much about the relationship between her and her dh too. She has made reassurances that she is safe and will be discussing her issues with her dh.

dittany · 09/06/2011 12:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

likale · 09/06/2011 12:48

I don't see the big deal about this, she was given the day off school as a treat (not something I would ever do) but she misbehaved and so the treat was taken away from her so she had to go into school.

verytellytubby · 09/06/2011 12:49

Of course she was bloody over excited. You let her have a day off school and gave her presents.

We all make mistakes. Learn and move on.

youmeatsix · 09/06/2011 12:49

i dont see this as school being portrayed as punishment, OP says this happened after daughter had been told 4 times already, so by taking her to school it shows her that if you dont behave you have privalges taken away

i agree with everyone else who has said it was madness to give her the day off and presents as well though, clearly this wasnt a good idea all round

sons birthday is something he has had to share with his sister, and even thats been spoiled for him too now

LouMacca · 09/06/2011 12:50

OP this is shocking.

I personally wouldn't have given DD the day off school OR given her presents on her siblings birthday but you did so no point in going over it now. To tell her she had the day off to go out with you and then force her to go to school is just awfu and the fact that you see sending her to school as a punishment is even worse. Poor DD, please give her lots of cuddles when you pick her up. Btw your DH should be ashamed.

valiumredhead · 09/06/2011 12:51

My mum always bought a small present for me or my sister on each other's birthdays, don't think there is anything wrong with that.