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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with DH about the treatment of DD?

204 replies

Fionann · 09/06/2011 10:43

It's DS's 3rd birthday so DH promised DD (5) the day off school, not something I would have done but I didn't feel I could say no after he's said yes as they were both so exited.

We got DD a few presents to open as well and for teh first hour everything was fine but then DH started to get in a really bad mood and kept telling DD of for taking the toys DS wanted to play with and generally not playing nicely & being grumpy.

Dh then told her off for the fourth time and said he was taking her into school, she cried and screamed and he made her go and put her uniform on, she then came downstairs and was crying and grabbing my legs and promising she would be good, it was really awful but he took her off to school....DD doesn't handle exitement well and can be bossy to DS but I think DH was overeacted.

AIBU?

OP posts:
BooyHoo · 09/06/2011 12:54

"So if you take a child to a soft-play centre, or toddler group, or a party - you know, those sort of places you go to as a treat - and they misbehave, so after warnings, you take them home, what does that make home?"

'home' is completely different ballonslayer. home is the base of the family, it is where they live, relax, be. it's where mum/dad/brothers/sisters/granny etc live. it isn't an opt in/opt out of thing. home and school cannot be compared

squeakytoy · 09/06/2011 12:55

dittany Thu 09-Jun-11 12:44:27
I wonder how the OP's daughter is feeling at school right at this minute. I wonder how she's feeling about coming home from school and facing her dad, the big angry man who dragged her there.

Hmm, I am sure she will be just fine, as most other 5yr olds are once they calm down and will have forgotten all about it. She was naughty. She lost out on a treat. Stop painting the father as an abusing bully when he wasnt, he simply carried out what he warned he would do if she didnt behave.

SomekindofSpanish · 09/06/2011 12:55

As others have said, your DH has handle this badly, but it seems that if he had chosen a different threat, it may not have been so dramatic.

For example, as an earlier peron said, I would have done time out in this situation - gives him and her time to calm down and then go back to the business of celebrating.

He needs to apologise big time to DD and rethink his parenting strategies in these situations.

Oh, and I also agree with Hully about making mistakes. DS2 (6) told me off yesterday for raising my voice at him for not doing his homework immediately- I deserved it and I apologised

dittany · 09/06/2011 13:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WriterofDreams · 09/06/2011 13:03

No one seems to be focusing on the fact that the poor little boy's birthday has been ruined. IMO if you're going to do something special for a child's birthday you should go out of your way to make sure it is nice for them. Getting them excited about a special day and then ruining it by getting angry with and punishing a sibling is terrible. Poor boy. Couldn't your DH just have tried to keep things calm for your DS?

chicletteeth · 09/06/2011 13:03

Oh FGS dittany, kids forget about stuff like that pretty quickly.

Do you really think that his behaviour warrants her worrying about it at school and now being afraid of her father?

If it does and she is, there is a lot more than this one incident going on here

Allinabinbag · 09/06/2011 13:04

I don't agree parents should always back each other come what may. My husband doens't lose it very often, but if he does, I would certainly step in and remind him to calm down/back off (and have done so). He has done the same for me on those odd occasion's I've really lost it with the children. We are talking a handful of times in 7 years, not a regular thing, but what is so terrible about stepping in if you think your partner is really really out of order on this one occasion.

I do not see this at all the same as getting removed from soft play for being naughty. There's a big difference between going home because you can't behave, and this, where the child not only lost the treat to go out, but was humiliated by being returned, crying to school, having been dragged off her mothers' legs. I think most people feel the former is fine, the latter is quite unsettling, especially as the DH must have been pretty darn scary to get a little upset 5 year old upstairs dressing to go to school after being given the day off. People can't help being upset by this as it is NOT the normal way to handle an over-excited five year old, a 10 min spell in her bedroom would have been far preferable.

chicletteeth · 09/06/2011 13:05

p.s. for whats it's worth, I don't see school as being the punishment. The punishment is not having a treat that day, the alternative just happens to be school

dittany · 09/06/2011 13:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BertieBotts · 09/06/2011 13:07

I would feel bad if I caused DS to become that hysterical when removing him from somewhere, even if I was removing him because of his behaviour. You can get a point through without having to upset them to that degree. And DS is 2, he does get hysterical. However, sometimes it is a case of drag him away now, and calm him down when we get outside and away from other people. So we don't know if the OP's DH did this.

I think it's different as well taking a child home because they have misbehaved, to sending them back to school. Home is a safe place where although they might be in trouble, they know they are always loved. Sending them away from the home as a punishment sort of undermines that IMO. They can love school as much as they like, but it's not home.

ShirleyKnot · 09/06/2011 13:08

I agree with Dittany to some extent. I think the little girl will remember this. I know I would have done.

WOD - very good point as well.

BelieveInPink · 09/06/2011 13:09

"I agree that your DH set your daughter up. Giving her an inappropriate treat and then bullying her."

What the actual fuck? Have a word with yourself!

dittany · 09/06/2011 13:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Allinabinbag · 09/06/2011 13:14

I think it depends whether this is a common thing in the household (husband overreacting) or not. My dad's father was a very capricious and mentally troubled man, and one of the things he always remembers is that his dad would arrange a day out (only to the seaside or whatever), then there would be something wrong, like shoes not cleaned, he would go into a rage, and they would not go. He remembers this very clearly.

I don't think a one-off mishandling of a birthday will cause permanent damage, but yes, you do tend to remember disappointment as a child as a very strong emotion. Having said that, I think on occasion, withdrawing a treat is the right thing to do, for really really bad behaviour. This wasn't.

redwineformethanks · 09/06/2011 13:15

I have sympathy with the OP who didn't feel it was appropriate to intervene when the DH told DD to go back to school. As parents we don't always agree on what to do, but we don't undermine each other in front of the children. We talk about it later.

This doesn't make my DH a bully

MerylStrop · 09/06/2011 13:15

Your DH has behaved like an arse. She shouldn't be getting a day off school for her own birthday, let alone someone else's. School shouldn't have been a "punishment" for what seems to be a minor overexcitableness. Poor kid. I agree that she will probably remember this for a long time. Is you DH usually like this?

chicletteeth · 09/06/2011 13:16

FGS yourself chiclette? Am I missing something, what do you mean by this....

dittany, you are expressing your opinion and others are expressing theirs.

You can't (well I suppose you could but why on earth would you) argue with everyone who disagrees with you, no point getting in a fluff about it.

Irksome · 09/06/2011 13:16

I hated the way my mum backed my dad up - well, she did it tacitly, by not ever stepping in even if she agreed afterwards that he'd been too extreme. Presenting a 'united front' is, in my opinion, of less value than showing a child you care about them enough, and about what's right and wrong, to defend them.

One says that your parent will be on your side - unless the other side is the other parent's, in which case you're on your own.
The other says that if your parent believes you need someone batting for you, they'll do it, and the world isn't such an unfair place.

BooyHoo · 09/06/2011 13:16

"Oh FGS dittany, kids forget about stuff like that pretty quickly."

well if this is a regular occurence then of course it is possible that teh child is no longer surprised by her dad's 'parenting' so she may forget this particular incident more quickly. but if it is a one-off then i imagine she is quite shocked by what has happened and may be fearful of what she will face when she gets home. eitehr way. it's not a nice way to start you school day is it?

valiumredhead · 09/06/2011 13:17

I would have no problems telling dh he is being an arse about letting kids take days off for birthdays! And he'd tell me too, I don't agree with this 'united front thing come what may.'

TakeItOnTheChins · 09/06/2011 13:18

What a pair of arseholes you are. Poor little girl.

chicletteeth · 09/06/2011 13:19

BooyHoo no, it isn't a nice way to start your school day at all.
I'm not condoning the mans behaviour and DD will have been upset.
I think personal dittany's take on it is OTT

Pandemoniaa · 09/06/2011 13:21

Hindsight is a wonderful thing but actually, the OP and her DH do need to learn from this dismal incident. Firstly, if you insist on taking a child out of school in order to celebrate a sibling's birthday then that's it. They stay out of school and you don't use school as a punishment. Secondly, if you make an unrealistically big deal out of a birthday then it's inevitable that something will go pear-shaped and in this case, the birthday boy has hardly had the greatest time, has he? Of course you want your children to have a lovely birthday but it is worth getting these things into proportion.

As for not wanting a row with your DH I'm afraid that if you are married to someone who comes up with ridiculous plans then sometimes you will have to step in and say no. If they choose to argue with you then that's their problem. At least you know that you have commonsense on your side and haven't behaved like a doormat.

kerstina · 09/06/2011 13:22

Wow there are some perfect parents on here who are obviously super nannies who never make mistakes and who like to sit in judgement of others !
Don't agree in taking a day of school but think although it was very very tough I think your husband was right to follow through with the threat of not going on the day out. Perhaps she will behave better in future. I have been guilty of issuing threats but not following through and you don't do the child or yourself any favours I think you need to be consistent and follow through with what you say.

Hullygully · 09/06/2011 13:23

I thought about this while out walking, and what occured to me was that it was really a bit extreme - he had the idea to have a lovely family day together, even to the extent of getting her a couple of little presents too, and then utterly lost it to the extent she was stuffed into her uniform and wrestled off to school. And she's five. What did she do? Arson?

That is not flippant, I just worry that your dh has behavioural management difficulties.

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