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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset with DH about the treatment of DD?

204 replies

Fionann · 09/06/2011 10:43

It's DS's 3rd birthday so DH promised DD (5) the day off school, not something I would have done but I didn't feel I could say no after he's said yes as they were both so exited.

We got DD a few presents to open as well and for teh first hour everything was fine but then DH started to get in a really bad mood and kept telling DD of for taking the toys DS wanted to play with and generally not playing nicely & being grumpy.

Dh then told her off for the fourth time and said he was taking her into school, she cried and screamed and he made her go and put her uniform on, she then came downstairs and was crying and grabbing my legs and promising she would be good, it was really awful but he took her off to school....DD doesn't handle exitement well and can be bossy to DS but I think DH was overeacted.

AIBU?

OP posts:

chicletteeth · 09/06/2011 11:44

Why does she get the day off school.
And why on earth is she getting presents for her brothers birthday.

itisnearlysummer · 09/06/2011 11:45

However, feckwit I think that for a lot of posters the issue is that the OP didn't intervene when she disagreed with what her DH was doing.

We all make mistakes, we all over react and feel dreadful for it afterwards, we all misjudge a situation and vow to never do it again.

OP, if this is a one off, then I don't think it will have very long term effects for your DD, but if it is a pattern then that is a worry.

IslaValargeone · 09/06/2011 11:46

Whilst I'm sure the dd will get over it etc etc and everybody can all go out for tea and make 'nice' I am concerned at the passivenes of the OP from the very start, and am desperately hoping this isn't symptomatic of controlling issues and other problems? Maybe I've just read more into it? I don't know.

bamboostalks · 09/06/2011 11:46

Just pick her up from school and go to Pizza Hut or something for a treat and put it all behind you. No more days off school....get your partner's agreement on that.

Original poster

Fionann · 09/06/2011 11:47

She's never even had her own birthday off school so don't think this is a regular thing. DD loves school and I sincerely believe today's events will not change that.

Yes we got it wrong, it happens but thank you for all the positive advice

OP posts:

LovingBeingAMummy · 09/06/2011 11:48

Just wanted to add my thoughts. Please move on and help DS enjoy his special day. Hope he doesn't get too caught up the tension. Happy birthday Wishes to him

chicletteeth · 09/06/2011 11:50

I notice there's a focus on your DH's behaviour and the day off school thing, and that's fair enought.

But please somebody (OP) tell me about present for DD on DS birthday?

What's this all about? You've not commented on this aspect of it once.

Why did you buy her presents?

chicletteeth · 09/06/2011 11:50

Oh yeah, and happy birthday to DS.

I really hope his day hasn't been ruined by his sister being so spoiled by her parents.

feckwit · 09/06/2011 11:52

itisnearlysummer I think Fionann did the right thing by not confronting him. If he was angry, it would likely lead to arguments. My DH and I disagree on parenting at times but we would always raise our grievances out of earshot of the child. I'm assuming fionann isn't scared of her husband and will communicate her misgivings later?

However of course, if she is fearful, that's a whole different scenario. But it sounded like things were quite emotional and it was best to let it calm down withut undermining one another, they cn discuss it later and then draw a line under it.

Marne · 09/06/2011 11:53

I think some of you are being a bit harsh re 'the day off and presants', a day off school is not gong to harm her (unless she's 15 and doing exams), our school is ok about taking kids out for a treat (day out ect..) as long as the childs not off every week. I always give my dd's a preseant if its the other ones birthday (something very small), we all make mistakes and we learn by them, there are no rules to being a parent.

I do think your dh did the wrong thing by dragging her to school and i hope he feels guilty and in future maybe you could step in and disagree with what he is doing?

SuePurblybilt · 09/06/2011 11:55

Your point is ohyouareawful? Why shouldn't they have a nice afternoon now? At least try to make the best of it? And there is likely to be no long term harm done - it was a unpleasant experience for the whole family I imagine but it's neither irreversibly damaging or likely to scar the child for life. What would you like her to do, wear hair shirts for the next thirty years and start saving for the therapy bills now?

So your solution is to imply that there is significant harm done and infer that you hope they don't have a nice afternoon. Lovely.

Original poster

Fionann · 09/06/2011 11:56

She got a packet of chocolate buttons, her and DS got matching costumes for his fancy dress party on saturday (as she's outgrown her old ones) and DS got a farmyard with a load of little animals so we got DD a minature cat to put in the farm

OP posts:

itisnearlysummer · 09/06/2011 11:56

feckwit you're probably right about not confronting there and then. I usually invite my husband into the kitchen to help me with the washing up if I disagree with his parenting so that we can discuss in private. I, of course, never get it wrong....

It is really difficult when the disagreement is so immediate.

IslaValargeone · 09/06/2011 11:57

There's a line though isn't there between undermining the discipline/parenting style of the other parent in front of your children, and taking it up later, or intervening when things get too heated.

oldraver · 09/06/2011 11:57

I agree with all thats been said re your DD having the day off and presents but I also feel sorry for your DS. Why cant he have one day thats 'his', thats not very fair on him. Hopefully he is too young to realise

itisnearlysummer · 09/06/2011 11:58

Fionann those presents don't sound OTT.

I hope you do enjoy the rest of the day.

I take it DH is back from school now. What has he said?

ExitPursuedByAKitten · 09/06/2011 11:59

What Euphemia said.

MIFLAW · 09/06/2011 12:02

"He has warned he twice that if she didn't start to behave she wouldn't be coming on the trip and would be going to school, it was the third time he actually told her to get her uniform on, this (rightly or wrongly) made me hesitant to say hang on a minute, she's staying put."

Well, to be fair, you could maybe have had a word with him after the FIRST warning and said, "that's not an appropriate punsihment, best not to threaten it, eh?"

as far as I understand the "treat" of a day off (whether or not that was something you should have given her) was not to reward good behaviour but because it was her bro's birthday - so removing it for BAD behaviour was a bad idea.

BertieBotts · 09/06/2011 12:04

YANBU to be upset with him.

I think this is getting clouded by the ridiculousness of the whole thing (really, what was he thinking??) but I'm also worried about why you felt you couldn't say anything. Please don't think I'm criticising, because I'm not - but you clearly don't agree with how your DH behaved over this issue. Is this a regular kind of thing, does he overrule you a lot on discipline issues and/or impose punishments which are a lot stricter than you agree with? It almost seems as though he was setting her up to fail, with presents and a day off school, she's bound to be excitable. (Was your DS not also excited?) And then it seemed that he overreacted because he was in a bad mood. So really, it seems he has caused all of this situation, and that can't be fun to live with if it happens a lot. Especially if you are worried about rows making everything more stressful - you should both be able to air your opinions, on any issue, but especially one like this.

Maybe I'm completely wrong and he was just having a bad day and his judgement was lacking. I just wanted to check you were okay and to say if this kind of thing is happening a lot, it's not normal and you don't have to put up with it. But perhaps post elsewhere than AIBU next time

dittany · 09/06/2011 12:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squeakytoy · 09/06/2011 12:06

I must be missing something, but where is the bullying?

madonnawhore · 09/06/2011 12:07

And now your son has had his birthday ruined by seeing his sister desperately upset and clinging to mum to get away from their dad. Nice one.

IslaValargeone · 09/06/2011 12:08

Yes Bertie I too am worried about the OP's general situation.

sue52 · 09/06/2011 12:09

Your daughter should not have been given the day off school, school attendance is not a matter of choice. Now your daughter sees school as somewhere you go as a punishment not a daily duty and a pleasure. Your DH has not behaved well.

GypsyMoth · 09/06/2011 12:10

Op...... What did your dd actually do wrong? Have I missed it?

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