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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

yet another mil issue but not my fault (?)

570 replies

hayjon · 01/06/2011 17:27

Hi, brief bit of background to start: dh and myself married very quietly a few months back (no dc's as yet). Anyway, mil (widowed) and his extended family all live at least 200 miles away from us and are basically scattered around country.
I don't have a close relationship with mil but she is allright and I neither hate or love her, she's OK.
About a month ago, she called dh to say that she wished to arrange a family gathering to celebrate our marriage, cue many phone calls between them to discuss the event. Mil very, very keen to do what we wished- must stress that I didn't really mind what happened- free meal, day out in nice surroundings, well I didn't care that much for the EXACT details so left it to dh to speak with his mum.

Anyway, basically a day before the gathering her and dh speak on phone and had a massive falling out because she didn't plan the event according to any of my dh's wishes and we didn't go after all. I tried to reason with dh to go but to no avail as I knew a lot of effort had been made. Although I kind of see why he is a bit peed off as she made such a fuss ringing all the time for no reason. He is not spoilt, either. Don't think he cared if she'd made a fuss or not-just hated having her ask him in depth what he wanted and then being ignored IYSWIM.

According to his brother, his mum is v. v. upset and we received a letter from her today saying that it was obvious to her that NEITHER of us wanted to go. This is simply not true; but what the heck could I have done? Gone by myself without dh? I am annoyed with her to be honest for this.
I don't know if I am BU or what or how to sort this.

OP posts:

lettinggo · 01/06/2011 17:37

He should have gone. If he agreed to her organising it in the first place, he should have turned up no matter how much she was annoying him. She was hosting the event and was probably just consulting with him for the sake of manners rather than requesting unput. It must have been horrible for her to have to cancel it at the last minute, a real airing of dirty laundry.

But that's not your fault that he wouldn't go. Where's your DH's head about it now? Does he regret not going? If it was me, I think I would ask DH to phone her, sort it out and let it be known that it was his decision not to go, not yours. I wouldn't get involved at this stage - you weren't involved before so stay out of it now. Regardless of whether your DH was wrong not to go, I wouldn't undermine him with his mother.

Not a nice position for you to be in. They'll get over it though because they're family, if you get involved you might say or do something that may be held against you.

millie30 · 01/06/2011 17:42

I think your DH was really wrong not to go. I can appreciate that you don't want to be blamed or accused of not wanting to go, but it must have been awful and embarrassing for your MIL when neither of you turned up. I think your DH needs to apologise and put this right. What was so awful about her arrangements that made your DH behave like that?

SmethwickBelle · 01/06/2011 17:43

It sounds like you would have gone to the gathering and taken the gesture in the spirit it sounds like it was intended however off-piste the details had become.

Given that it doesn't sound like he will apologise or anything I'd call and /or write to her explaining that you had disageed with him and that you didn't think the argument she and he had was sufficient reason enough not to attend. And thank her.

I do think it is normally decent to present a united front when one spouse is peed off or offended or whatever but but if my husband did something similar, and in my gut I thought he was unreasonable (which is what I am getting from your post) I would say so to him and anyone else involved and offer an apology for what it was worth.

SmethwickBelle · 01/06/2011 17:44

I realise I have written "sounds like" about a hundred times - must stop multitasking and put my baby in the bath!

MonstaMunch · 01/06/2011 17:45

aww poor old MIL

she enjoyed making a fuss and organising the event and the guests of honour didnt turn up - how humiliating for her in front of all her family

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 01/06/2011 17:45

Welcome to being a DIL! It's easier to think that it's the fault of someone who married in than accept that their own grown up child is wholly responsible for not doing what they want them too. Agree with Lettingitgo. Stay out of it. They'll eventually sort it out.

UrsulaBuffay · 01/06/2011 17:47

How wrong did she get it?

Seems like there are wider issues in his family.

SarkyLady · 01/06/2011 17:47

From how you describe it it sounds like your Dh had behaved very badly. Not surprising that you mil is trying to pass off the blame onto you - easier than blaming her own son.

My advice? Leave well alone but encourage you Dh to start building bridges.

TyNobdieJigz · 01/06/2011 17:48

Your poor MIL, if it was me, id ring her and tell her how upset you were at not going, and how you tried to reason with dh. I wouldnt care if dh didnt want me to ring, you are involved now so may as well use your own voice IYKWIM. She may of not used his idea's which is annoying but to not turn up seems very extreme when she has tried to do such a lovely gesture. :(

MollyMurphy · 01/06/2011 17:50

You guys should have gone regardless - it was her event to plan and pay for so she did it her way - just as you guys presumably got married how you chose to (did she get to come at least?). In the end she was trying to do something nice. Was not going really worth all the hurt feelings and family drama? This was not a hill I would have chosen to die on.

I hope you can mend fences for everyones sake

AurraSing · 01/06/2011 17:51

Mark my words - it will be totally your fault by the end of the week! You could give her a call to try and smooth things over, but if yor DH doesn't want you to, I'd stay out of it!

barbie007 · 01/06/2011 17:56

Oh dear! You probably shouldn't have agreed to it in the first place, but once you did you should have gone.

I think your DH has been selfish and probably childish too

I would try to get him to call and talk to her

NoelEdmondshair · 01/06/2011 17:58

Your husband sounds like a nasty piece of work to treat his mother that way. You'll have your work cut out with him.

Original poster

hayjon · 01/06/2011 18:01

Oh, yes, there are definitely wider issues, I think. I would have gone certainly, even if I did think mil to be in the wrong ( which I am kind of thinking that she is, she knows that my dh is a typical man in that when someone asks for his opinion/desires he believes that they will actually do what they want him to do or why ask in first place IYSWIM) there were still other people who had made effort to attend and it would have been thoroughly humiliating for her when we did not go.

They've always had tempestuous relationship- I have had to sit out some terrible arguments between them and are both stubborn, so I think, deep down, she must know that this is down to dh and not me.

OP posts:

Reality · 01/06/2011 18:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scurryfunge · 01/06/2011 18:01

Your DH has behaved badly here.

EggyAllenPoe · 01/06/2011 18:17

so, have i understood right: she organised a party in your honour. it looked not to be as he wished. He decided not to go - thus forcing her to cancel (and therefore putting an awful lot of people out)

He was a prick - he pissed other people off just because of some detail not being as he would wish. selfish. Petty.

why did you have a small wedding to begin with?

Original poster

hayjon · 01/06/2011 18:21

We just both wanted a small wedding. I don't really see why this has anything to do with this issue, though.

OP posts:

millie30 · 01/06/2011 18:25

OP, what was wrong with MIL's plans for the party? Is it possible that she couldn't afford your DH's suggestions or that they didn't suit the needs of the guests? Tbh I'm struggling to understand what would make a grown man behave in such a spoilt and ungrateful way.

worraliberty · 01/06/2011 18:26

I'm sorry but I think that's just utterly nasty of your DH...I'm really gobsmacked that he could do that to his own mother

Genuinely I couldn't look my Husband in the eye if he was that rotten.

MmeLindor. · 01/06/2011 18:26

Your husband is in the wrong here, totally and utterly.

If he was unhappy with the preparations he had plenty of time to say so. To strop off in a huff the day before the party was ill-mannered and plain mean.

I feel very sorry for your MIL. She must have been mortified before her friends.

xkittyx · 01/06/2011 18:28

My husband is a man too. That behaviour certainly wouldn't have been typical of him so doesn't excuse AT ALL.

MumblingRagDoll · 01/06/2011 18:29

I think if it were me, I would tell DH that I was going to send a card and flowers...to MIL and on the card I was going to put my apologies...and offer to iclude DH and show him what you write. If he refuses then that's up to him....but you wont have gone behind his back and MIL cant say you did not try.

Dont take the blame though. Put something ambiguous.

UrsulaBuffay · 01/06/2011 18:30

I'd like to know what he asked for & what she organised, cos if he asked for a quiet meal & she organised a rave then he may NHBU!

EggyAllenPoe · 01/06/2011 18:30

because one reason to have a small wedding is if you can't be bothered wih your family and a big event.

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