yet another mil issue but not my fault (?)

[hayjon]

Hi, brief bit of background to start: dh and myself married very quietly a few months back (no dc's as yet). Anyway, mil (widowed) and his extended family all live at least 200 miles away from us and are basically scattered around country.
I don't have a close relationship with mil but she is allright and I neither hate or love her, she's OK.
About a month ago, she called dh to say that she wished to arrange a family gathering to celebrate our marriage, cue many phone calls between them to discuss the event. Mil very, very keen to do what we wished- must stress that I didn't really mind what happened- free meal, day out in nice surroundings, well I didn't care that much for the EXACT details so left it to dh to speak with his mum.

Anyway, basically a day before the gathering her and dh speak on phone and had a massive falling out because she didn't plan the event according to any of my dh's wishes and we didn't go after all. I tried to reason with dh to go but to no avail as I knew a lot of effort had been made. Although I kind of see why he is a bit peed off as she made such a fuss ringing all the time for no reason. He is not spoilt, either. Don't think he cared if she'd made a fuss or not-just hated having her ask him in depth what he wanted and then being ignored IYSWIM.

According to his brother, his mum is v. v. upset and we received a letter from her today saying that it was obvious to her that NEITHER of us wanted to go. This is simply not true; but what the heck could I have done? Gone by myself without dh? I am annoyed with her to be honest for this.
I don't know if I am BU or what or how to sort this.

Thanks PrivateParts. I've been watching from the start and almost posted a few times yesterday but it was all getting a bit nasty so kept out. But then I was worried the OP was getting a bit of an unfair pasting so decided to stick my two penneth in after all.

It takes years to build a good relationship with in-laws and for many of us it's not without problems. Yes, we should all do our best to make our mothers and mother in laws happy, but respect and consideration works both ways. This MIL/DIL relationship hasn't got off to the best start which is why a heartfelt apology is in order to try and get things back on track regardless of it being DH's decision not to go. Communication is what is needed for any future potential fall-outs before it gets as bad as this again but the OP knows that now.

scarletfingernail sense at last!

absolutely.

Well I have an update regarding all of this but, firstly, I am going to apologise to the person (she knows who she is) who I WRONGLY accused of the Jeremy Kyle business. My mistake and sorry if gave offence.

Anyway, mil called last night while dh was out.
I answered phone and it was her. I got in first and I said that I was sorry that things had gone tits up (yes, I realise that this is NOT the same as my taking blame. Some very wise people here pointed this out to me).

She said that she realised that it was now clear to her (having calmed down a bit) that I could not be expected to control my dh at this early stage in the marriage and that she did not blame me for it.
Out of politeness and curiosity, I asked her what controlling measures she would recommend.
She said that she found the withholding of sex to be a good place to start in getting them (dh's) to see error of their ways and that there was nothing wrong in doing this if it gets them what you want. She also said that my dh hated to be ignored and that it really wound him up and it worked for her so it would probably work for me, too.

I was a bit taken aback by all of this but decided that saying nothing in response to her comments was the best option.

I had to ask her, though, because it HAS been bugging me, would she have preferred it if I had turned up alone. She got a bit annoyed with me at this point and said words to the effect that 'of course she bloody wouldn't' and that this would have made her look an 'even bigger idiot' and turned an awful situation into a farcical one.
I quickly turned subject onto more mundane, safe matters.

Anyway, we chatted politely for a few minutes, and then I made my excuses and said goodnight because I found the whole thing a bit unsettling- even though it had turned out OK IYSWIM.

My dh is yet to talk to her but that is his business. End of it as far as I am concerned.

He's been putting off calling her but I told him best to do it this evening and get it out of the way.

maybe MIL had been trying to book the footy pub but some pubs/restaurants dont take reservations and its not on to just turn up with 20+ people and expect to be able to sit down for a meal, so she had to go elsewhere

"She said that she found the withholding of sex to be a good place to start in getting them (dh's) to see error of their ways and that there was nothing wrong in doing this if it gets them what you want. She also said that my dh hated to be ignored and that it really wound him up and it worked for her so it would probably work for me, too."

Well, yes, that is was my reaction, too. But I wasn't going to agree/disagree, either. If I disagreed, it would have cause In her mind, it seems that I am forgiven-excused any wrongdoing (my dh can sort out his side with her) and, to be honest, all I want for now with her at this time is civility. I think that is reasonable.

Sorry, typo, that should be: If I disagreed it would have caused another argument- which I can do without, frankly- and if I had agreed with her, I would be lying and doing my dh a disservice. So I said nothing.

I must leave this thread now. It's turned out kind of OK and I suspect that dh and mil will make it up eventually. So thanks all and I won't be posting on this thread anymore.

glad things have worked out ok with MIL. I am a bit at her 'with holding sex' advice!

"that I could not be expected to control my dh at this early stage"

Blimey-nobody should be controlling anyone, should they?

So, nearly a week ago, you humiliated this woman in front of family & friends.
You did not contact her.
She wrote you a letter.
You did not contact her.
Eventually, she had to call you.
Her son couldn't come to the phone because he was out, doing something more important than placating this mother.

But miraculously, you managed to quickly smooth it all over, despite telling us that you are a timid little wallflower who cannot talk her DH into doing the right thing.
Yeah, right.

My mil IS a controlling, manipulative woman. Some people do use sex as a bargaining tool and Nuttychic, I wish you well on your path because you seem to think that they don't.
My mil is OK, though, in her own way, she has many good qualities and I try to treat her well generally and focus upon those good qualities she possesses and I am glad-absolutely glad- that things have been sorted out between us. I'm proud that I got in there first with the grovelling apology and acknowledged her pain, glad that I realised that saying sorry did not mean accepting blame. Thanks to some really insightful mn-ers!!
Glad that the woman saw my point of view, and I am absolutely glad, that I was correct in her eyes not to go by myself.
So, here's a message for those here out to pour bile on my gladness- I don't care! And thanks to all those who genuinely helped.

hayjon So did she apologise to YOU for lying about the plans for the reception and misleading you and DH into thinking it was going to be how he wanted it? I think she should have.

I would give up with the "nasties" on here . . . if an OP refuses to be "corrected" by them (whether or not that is relevant, necessary, appropriate etc) they go for the jugular. They don't like their judgement questioned and I think some actually think they are God

I think that explanation post is a lot of nonsense. You are just making it up as you go along now.

Thank you for the well wishes hayjon. DH and I just celebrated our 18th wedding anniversary so I am no youngster who has no understanding of how the world works. I to have a MIL and she can be a bit pedantic just as I know I can be. To expect her to have all the answers, never err and always put my wants first? I would need to do/be that to expect it, which I cant/wont do.

TotallyLovely, no she did not, but then, as I did not really care how plans went, I think it would have been a bit hypocritical of me to want an apology, and, to be honest, it is up to my dh to thrash things out with her now.

He better ring her tonight, though; I don't want to be in at the time because I know it's going to be unpleasant to listen to. I think a lot of the flak I've had here is down to fear- fear by mums that their ds's could do something like this to them one day. If they don't bring their ds's up right, it could happen to them and let us be honest here, I don't think anybody has asked where my husband gets his personality from-nobody seems to have made the connection that him and his mum are very, very much alike (if some have, sorry I've not noticed).
Still, I've done MY bit; think the key part for me is the wise folks who said that saying sorry about how things had gone wrong was not the same as admitting guilt. Such wise words.

Absolutely it is Scarlett. Just sad as hayjon came on here asking for opinions (AIBU is surely opinions and they wont always be what you want to hear) and at no point did anybody even get a thank you for taking the time and thought to advise her on HER problem - even if she didnt like their opinions!

I didn't think you would expect the apology but if I were in her position I would give one.

I think some of the "nastiest" comments on here have been from hayjon herself. She's called people childish, ridiculous, wrong and worse... and that's not counting whatever it was she said that has since been deleted by MNHQ.

She and her H deserve each other, quite frankly.

Nuttychic actually she said this - And thanks to all those who genuinely helped. and I'm pretty sure that wasn't the first time. Not sure I would be saying thanks to people who attacked in such an unjustified way.