yet another mil issue but not my fault (?)

[hayjon]

Hi, brief bit of background to start: dh and myself married very quietly a few months back (no dc's as yet). Anyway, mil (widowed) and his extended family all live at least 200 miles away from us and are basically scattered around country.
I don't have a close relationship with mil but she is allright and I neither hate or love her, she's OK.
About a month ago, she called dh to say that she wished to arrange a family gathering to celebrate our marriage, cue many phone calls between them to discuss the event. Mil very, very keen to do what we wished- must stress that I didn't really mind what happened- free meal, day out in nice surroundings, well I didn't care that much for the EXACT details so left it to dh to speak with his mum.

Anyway, basically a day before the gathering her and dh speak on phone and had a massive falling out because she didn't plan the event according to any of my dh's wishes and we didn't go after all. I tried to reason with dh to go but to no avail as I knew a lot of effort had been made. Although I kind of see why he is a bit peed off as she made such a fuss ringing all the time for no reason. He is not spoilt, either. Don't think he cared if she'd made a fuss or not-just hated having her ask him in depth what he wanted and then being ignored IYSWIM.

According to his brother, his mum is v. v. upset and we received a letter from her today saying that it was obvious to her that NEITHER of us wanted to go. This is simply not true; but what the heck could I have done? Gone by myself without dh? I am annoyed with her to be honest for this.
I don't know if I am BU or what or how to sort this.

Oh reading that, I´m even more for your MIL tbh.

So-he chose footie over a family celebration for his wedding.

Bloody hell!

DId your MIL only tell your DH about the plans for the day the day before? If your DH knew what about the venue, type of party it was then it was really unfair of him to declare he didn't want to go jst the day before. He should have mentioned it long ago as soon as he realised he didn't want to go.

Me and my DH eloped as we couldn't face having a party and if someone had offered us one like your MIL did for you I owuld have refused straight away. There is no way we would go along with it and then not turn up even if we weren't happy with the type of party, your husband has been very childish.

Wow, it's all about him isn't it? Maybe your MIL (rightly) didn't think that watching football was an appropriate way for invited guests to spend a wedding reception.

I think that he is totally wrong to be peed off.

He sounds childish tbh.

diddl I am supportive of him being pissed off with her not listening to a word he said when she made such a fuss. If somebody rang you every night and made a big show of insisting on doing what you wanted and then totally ignored you, would you be happy with them? Or would you think, 'Why ask me in first place?!'

This does NOT mean that I am supportive of his decision NOT to go. We should have bloody well gone to the do.

Sounds incredibly spoiled and entitled. Is his time so valuable that he felt he ought to punish his mother for wasting it, when she didnt follow instructions on watching footie in the pub??

Of course I would think "why did they ask"-but tbh, knowing what he wanted, I can totally see why she disregarded it.

I guess she was trying to do as close to a wedding reception as she could.

Unfortunately though, by not going, you did support his decision not to go.

Well, I hope that knowing how humiliating it would have been was worth it for him for the football.

He wanted to watch a football match on the day that his family travelled to see him and celebrate his wedding? I'm not surprised your MIL wanted to do something different. I'm all for men being able to support their team, but not on an occasion like this. He should have told MIL to do it on a different day.

I still think your dh is being an arse.

so basically, he didn't go because he'd have missed watching a football game?

sorry but he's behaving like a knob and I'd be furious with both of you if I were the MIL

clearly she thought that what she was doing was actually nicer - misguided, but well meant. his behaviour is incredibly selfish - and he has no right to be pissed off at all. He sounds like a stroppy child. So what if she disregarded their conversations, its hardly a big deal is it? Its a celebration that she went out of her way to organise, she probably had no idea he would be that bothered, given that what she was planning was really lovely.

Im surprised you support him in being pissed off - surely you can see how ungrateful he is being? Im astounded he didn't go - how big a deal is getting his own way over something so meaningless?

If he could cut his mother dead and publicly humiliate her for such a stupid reason...do you not worry how he'll treat you in the future OP?

Genuine question by the way. He just seems so cold hearted.

Well, to answer the original question, it´s not your fault, I guess she hoped you would have persuaded him though.

He is a nasty piece of work and you are a going to have a rotten shan life together unless you say to him- actually I am not going to give advice because you sound like a bit of a cold hearted cow an all so I will just say I hope his Mam cuts you out of the will and that I am please you two are wed to each other and not make another two canny people miserable.

DH and yourself have SHAMED HIS MAM in front of the whole family, I hope next time he plays football he ends up with a gammy leg THE SWINE!

I'm struggling to see what the "masses" of communication about the event was, if that is what he asked for. Did she lie about what she was doing until the last minute?

Also I have NEVER met a man who would care that much about a social event.

I'm with everyone else on this, what she dis was a bit irritating at most. Certainly not worth such an extreme reaction.

Beesimo...you have made me laugh, whereabouts are you from your 'accent' reminds me of home!

calm down Beesimo!

snice OK, what the hell could I have done? FORCED him to go? He would not go. Should I have gone by myself?! I agree that she was right to be furious with him, but me, what the have I done? I am not annoyed that she is furious with him, but to blame ME is unreasonable and YOU are being unreasonable!!

Gosh, that makes it even worse.

He wanted to have a casual do and she organised something swish.

What I don't understand is that he (and you) had your casual wedding, likely against the wishes of his family. So would it have been so hard to just accept that she wanted to organise the celebration as she preferred?

Well by not going it shows that you think he was right.

I don´t think she blames you for him not going, but obviously thinks that you should have gone.

But you are saying he was right to be pissed off with her.

If you, as his new wife, had pointed out that a woman might not like to celebrate her sons marriage with a football match, he might have been able to understand the ponit.

beesimo. Christ, you're obviously not a feminist are you? I mean obviously it is MY fault that I could not force my 13-stone, 6ft 3in husband out the door. Obviously MY fault that they argued. No wonder women give up the nuclear family if everything is THEIR bloody fault. Even when I was ready and willing to go to this do, not just willing but looking forward to it, I still get the bloody blame from other women.

That is possibly the first time on AIBU where the posters on the thread turn out to be the unreasonable ones, who'd a thunk?

Seriously, I'd have gone alone or I'd have phoned her and apologised profusely. She threw it for the both of you, neither of you turn up of course she thinks you're in cahoots - you're married now so you both get tarred with the shitty stick.

don't ask me love- I can't stand my MIL!!