yet another mil issue but not my fault (?)

[hayjon]

Hi, brief bit of background to start: dh and myself married very quietly a few months back (no dc's as yet). Anyway, mil (widowed) and his extended family all live at least 200 miles away from us and are basically scattered around country.
I don't have a close relationship with mil but she is allright and I neither hate or love her, she's OK.
About a month ago, she called dh to say that she wished to arrange a family gathering to celebrate our marriage, cue many phone calls between them to discuss the event. Mil very, very keen to do what we wished- must stress that I didn't really mind what happened- free meal, day out in nice surroundings, well I didn't care that much for the EXACT details so left it to dh to speak with his mum.

Anyway, basically a day before the gathering her and dh speak on phone and had a massive falling out because she didn't plan the event according to any of my dh's wishes and we didn't go after all. I tried to reason with dh to go but to no avail as I knew a lot of effort had been made. Although I kind of see why he is a bit peed off as she made such a fuss ringing all the time for no reason. He is not spoilt, either. Don't think he cared if she'd made a fuss or not-just hated having her ask him in depth what he wanted and then being ignored IYSWIM.

According to his brother, his mum is v. v. upset and we received a letter from her today saying that it was obvious to her that NEITHER of us wanted to go. This is simply not true; but what the heck could I have done? Gone by myself without dh? I am annoyed with her to be honest for this.
I don't know if I am BU or what or how to sort this.

What, your husband expects everyone at the wedding celebration to sit down and watch football in a pub?!

Highly selfish of him AND horrible to snub his mother like that!

FGS, he must know that is not how she wants to spend it if that's not the kind of thing she does in her free time?!

Tell you one thing, if I was invited to a do watching football in the pub, I'd pass on it, thanks!

I think you would have got a resounding cheer for going alone & not standing by him tbh.

You've had a unanimous YABU. Take it on the chin, accept that you've been a total twat and grovel to your MIL.

BluddyMoFo You can call my dh a shit for not going. You know what? I AGREE with you. HE should have gone.

I will NOT accept that I am to blame, though, I simply could not have gone by myself and it is ridiculous to suggest it. Both him and his mother are stubborn, and I am going to do nothing as I have nothing to blame myself for.

I hate this 'you can control another person shit'. He's a grown man, for goodness sake. What on earth was I supposed to do? DRAG him into the car?

"I mean obviously it is MY fault that I could not force my 13-stone, 6ft 3in husband out the door. "

There are ways and means of getting men to do things you think they should.
And whilst it may have been slightly irritating that she wanted to do things differently, I'd say it wasn't worth more than a slight tut.
It was disgraceful that you didn't go. And, yes, that you allowed him to get away with such shitty behaviour.
I don't often quote my mother, but one of her sayings springs to mind: "Judge a man by the way he treats his mother." And I'd add to that, "particularly if she irritates him."
Sorry, but I think it would be a good bet you might be on the receiving end of such treatment one day.

Well, if you had thrown the party your DH wanted (note, you throw it, you want something that specific as a particular location, particular activities, then you should be the one doing the organising), then would your DH really have ignored family who'd travelled to see him to watch the match??? Wow he's a rude bloke.

It seems where your MIL went wrong was when your DH told her want he wanted her to organise for him (and checky shit - she's not his PA!), when it was clear that wasn't appropriate (which it wasn't) she should have told him why that wasn't on, quite frankly you should have told him that would be a hidiously rude way to behave to your family.

If your MIL has organised something in a hotel or restaurant, then she'll have had to pay a deposit, and that close to the event, she'll have probably had to pay for the full do anyway, or at least 50% of the costs, for a party that didn't happen because it was too nice??? What a twat.

WhoAteMySnickers. So I am a twat because my husband would not go?! Thanks a fucking bunch! Sorry, that I could not force him into it. Jesus.

Did the party go ahead without you? Or did she cancel at expense to herself?

I think your DH has behaved really badly. I think it's fairly exceptional to exclude your own parents from your wedding day but if that's what you wanted, then it's what you wanted.

It sounds like all your MIL wanted to do was to have a little part of the day for herself, and for people to celebrate it nicely.

If I was invited to a party to celebrate someone's marriage that centred around watching football which I am not REMOTELY interested in then I would think that they were a selfish tosser.

Was it really so hard for him to go to the bloody party and skyplus the football? He sounds like a real child. If my toddler behaved like that I would discipline him, I can't believe you have to ask who is BU!

I think this is one of the most ungrateful things I have ever heard. I feel so sorry for your mil.

Did you at least tell your dh that he was being a huge twat or did you just say " yes dear I know nasty mil not letting you have your own way you are absolutely right to be "punishing" her for not doing everything as you would of liked" ?

No you are a twat for not going, then absolving yourself of any responsibility for any of this. Keep telling yourself your MIL's upset, shame and devastation is nothing to do with you if it makes you feel better. Disgraceful.

Oh yes, the old 'ways and means' line. Perhaps I should have worn a pretty frock and fixed him a martini. He is a grown man with a mind of his own, I don't object if people here call him all the names under the sun, or even give grim warnings, but I can't be held responsible for HIS behaviour!

I assume you like and wanted to watch the football too, OP? Otherwise it would be very weird to have a party to celebrate a marriage that represented only one of the people in that marriage.

WhoAteMySnickers is right, you should have shamed your DH into it by going, or at least calling your MIL and appologising.

And while you can't force your DH to go, did you tell him you thought he was wrong? Did you tell him his behaviour wan't acceptable? did you tell him he was making himself look like a twat to his whole family and making you wonder what sort of shit you'd married? Or did you just agree with him? If you agreed with him, then you are telling him that's an OK way to behave, you have no right to then complain if he acts with similar disregard to your feelings in the future.

Exactly how hard did you try to persuade him to go? What did you say to him?

And of course you should have gone by yourself if he wouldn't go with you. At least then you could have partially saved her feelings in front of her guests by saying he was ill or something. To say it would have been more embarrassing for her is ridiculous. You are every bit as much at fault as him for not going.

but you said you supported him in being pissed off - yet everyone here thinks that is ridiculous.

WhoAteMySnickers
OK.
So you think I should have gone by myself then? Don't you think that this would have made things worse? Because I do.

I am NOT repeat-NOT responsible for the behaviour of somebody else. My dh is an adult. And her upset, shame and devastation is down to her SON. NOT ME.

When a woman is being hit by her spouse, (OK, totally off topic) do you somehow blame HER for it or do you say, 'Your dh is responsible for his own behaviour?' If this is what you say, then accept that my dh is responsible for his own behaviour here.

But you didn't go either.

So you're as bad as him.

That's why she's written a letter saying she's disappointed in BOTH of you.

I explained that we really should go and people were waiting and even though mil was a bit out of order, not going was still wrong of us and that he could have it out with her later.
Perhaps I should have drugged him and put him in boot of car or put on a pretty petticoat to persuade him to go. Used my feminine wiles or something.

hayjon

This is a turning point in your marraige because your husband has revealed a nasty nasty personality triate you can either brush it under the carpet and say to yourself well MIL did this that or the other or you can face the truth.

Your Mil has been mistreated and badly let down by her son and you, you can't say oh well I opted out, be truthful you didn't get involved because you saw which way the wind was blowing.

Do you want to say its ok DH you carry on trampling over people or do you call him on it. That is your choice but remember when he has fallen out with everybody else it will be your neck he is putting his boot on.

Or worse much much worse your DCs

"I didn't really mind what happened- free meal, day out in nice surroundings"

The essence of this whole thing, is that your DH excluded his own MOTHER from his wedding, then accepted her offer of a free meal but turned it down when it wasn't exactly on his own terms.

That's horrible. So bloody grasping.

You are both twats.