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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

yet another mil issue but not my fault (?)

570 replies

hayjon · 01/06/2011 17:27

Hi, brief bit of background to start: dh and myself married very quietly a few months back (no dc's as yet). Anyway, mil (widowed) and his extended family all live at least 200 miles away from us and are basically scattered around country.
I don't have a close relationship with mil but she is allright and I neither hate or love her, she's OK.
About a month ago, she called dh to say that she wished to arrange a family gathering to celebrate our marriage, cue many phone calls between them to discuss the event. Mil very, very keen to do what we wished- must stress that I didn't really mind what happened- free meal, day out in nice surroundings, well I didn't care that much for the EXACT details so left it to dh to speak with his mum.

Anyway, basically a day before the gathering her and dh speak on phone and had a massive falling out because she didn't plan the event according to any of my dh's wishes and we didn't go after all. I tried to reason with dh to go but to no avail as I knew a lot of effort had been made. Although I kind of see why he is a bit peed off as she made such a fuss ringing all the time for no reason. He is not spoilt, either. Don't think he cared if she'd made a fuss or not-just hated having her ask him in depth what he wanted and then being ignored IYSWIM.

According to his brother, his mum is v. v. upset and we received a letter from her today saying that it was obvious to her that NEITHER of us wanted to go. This is simply not true; but what the heck could I have done? Gone by myself without dh? I am annoyed with her to be honest for this.
I don't know if I am BU or what or how to sort this.

OP posts:
MadamDeathstare · 01/06/2011 18:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AurraSing · 01/06/2011 18:34

I'd love to know what part of the arrangements your DH took a dislike to - was it strippers?
It seems to me he didn't want the party inthe first place but didn't speak up till it was far too late.

Original poster
hayjon · 01/06/2011 18:34

I won't bore anyone with the details other to say that what he wanted was not above her budget- in fact, it would have been cheaper for her to do it his way. My dh is pissed off because she insisted on knowing what he wished to do, he told her precisely what we wanted (well, what he wanted - like I said, I didn't have any great wishes), and she could/ would not do it the way he asked.
He didn't ask for this 'do', only agreed to it to please her.

I agree with him, frankly, if you're not going to do as somebody wishes for THEIR event you should not **ing ask She should have just gone ahead and organised everything, come back to us and said, 'I have organised this already' however...

Other people went out of their way to turn up and her not listening did not deserve our 'punishment' on her of not going.

OP posts:
scurryfunge · 01/06/2011 18:37

If someone organises, hosts and pays for a party in your honour and you do not turn up because you do not like the way it is organised, hosted. paid for then that is just rude and out of order. It smacks of control freakiness.

BluddyMoFo · 01/06/2011 18:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
hayjon · 01/06/2011 18:42

Yes I agree with you, scurryfunge, but with one caveat: you do not ask them time after time after time what THEY (the guest/s) want and totally ignore their wishes.
I realise finances can sometimes be a consideration but it would have been cheaper (and easier) for her to go along with my dh's wishes. Really it would have been.

OP posts:
UrsulaBuffay · 01/06/2011 18:44

You are being told that your DH has BU & you are getting more & more supportive of his view, from your OP when you had no opinion whatsoever.

You may as well both have told the poor cow from the start not to bother.

bubblecoral · 01/06/2011 18:47

I think it sounds like your dh is being an arse.

As you don't want to say what the wishes were that got ignored, or what happened in their place, it's hard to see how MIL might have been at fault.

Was it he wanted sausages but she served burgers, or something bigger. I can't see what she could have done that would be so drastically different to what dh wanted when we are only talking about a family gathering to celebrate a wedding.

And I pretty much always say it's mil's fault on these threads.

Original poster
hayjon · 01/06/2011 18:47

Anyway, I know now what I am going to do. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. They can make it up themselves in their own time. They are his family, after all, and they have known him for years. My mil knows deep down that this is down to me, and his immediate family are intelligent enough to know that this is not down to me. Thanks all.

I'm not going to be a whipping boy for her, though, if/when they make it up, I shall smile and say how sorry I was that dh did not wish to go if- and I do mean if-she brings this up again in front of me.

OP posts:
worraliberty · 01/06/2011 18:49

I won't bore anyone with the details

Oh please do, a lot of us are curious...I promise not to be bored, honest Grin

Original poster
hayjon · 01/06/2011 18:49

UrsulaBuffay. I am supportive in him being pissed off with her. I am not supportive of us not going because of it. The two are different things.

OP posts:
UrsulaBuffay · 01/06/2011 18:49

I wouldn't apologise for him either and I wouldn't defend myself I'd just keep out of it, you're right you don't want to get in the middle of it or seem to ally yourself with one or the other. What a shit thing to happen though when you should be celebrating.

UrsulaBuffay · 01/06/2011 18:50

I see what you mean, but you haven't explained much about why either of you are pissed off with her...must be a MN first for us all to be saying the MIL is NBU Grin

Original poster
hayjon · 01/06/2011 18:50

Sorry my mil knows deep down that this is Not down to me. Oops.

OP posts:
BluddyMoFo · 01/06/2011 18:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

7to25 · 01/06/2011 18:52

Unfortunately it is not a MIL issue. As stated by others, it is a husband issue.
Do not have children with this man.
Have the courage to tell her that this is not your decision and apologise for any inconvenience to her.

HappyMummyOfOne · 01/06/2011 18:54

Poor MIL, not only does it sound like she didnt see her son get married but she goes to the trouble of organising and paying for an event to celebrate and her son simply doesnt show.

What a horrible person to not show, he sounds like a spoilt child who didnt get the exact xmas present he wanted.

MrsCampbellBlack · 01/06/2011 18:54

Gosh - your poor mil.

I think you should have told your DH he was being a total knob - I just can't believe the rudeness.

Was mil out of pocket? I mean presumably she'd paid deposits or something . . .

Original poster
hayjon · 01/06/2011 18:55

He is a big football fan and he wished to go to a nice pub in a casual setting to watch the match, have a few drinks and have a relaxed meal with his family afterwards in a gastropub. You may not agree with what he wanted but we all have our own unique ways of wishing to celebrate.
She declared that she is not the sort of person to go into pubs, that it was beneath her and that she had organised somewhere a bit more 'upmarket'.

All this after masses of consultation on her part. Why did she not just say this in first place?

OP posts:
Original poster
hayjon · 01/06/2011 18:57

Anyway, this thread has clarified a few thoughts for me. He was right to be peed off, but totally WRONG not to go.

I am going to do nothing about this. Sometimes doing nothing is the best way. Thanks.

OP posts:
worraliberty · 01/06/2011 18:59

He wanted to watch the footie on TV?

ruddynorah · 01/06/2011 19:00

What was it about the event your dh didn't like? Is he a lentils weaving vegan and your mil wanted a hog roast?

diddl · 01/06/2011 19:00

Bloody hell, I wouldn´t be supporting him.

Yes I can see that what MIL did was wrong, but I think that most people would have gone & accepted it in the spirit it was intended tbh.

It was her only chance to celebrate your wedding.

And although she asked what he wanted, she was hosting it in your honour-not arranging it for you.

ruddynorah · 01/06/2011 19:01

Oh. Football. He is a massive twat.

UrsulaBuffay · 01/06/2011 19:01

He could do that anytime though!