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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

yet another mil issue but not my fault (?)

570 replies

hayjon · 01/06/2011 17:27

Hi, brief bit of background to start: dh and myself married very quietly a few months back (no dc's as yet). Anyway, mil (widowed) and his extended family all live at least 200 miles away from us and are basically scattered around country.
I don't have a close relationship with mil but she is allright and I neither hate or love her, she's OK.
About a month ago, she called dh to say that she wished to arrange a family gathering to celebrate our marriage, cue many phone calls between them to discuss the event. Mil very, very keen to do what we wished- must stress that I didn't really mind what happened- free meal, day out in nice surroundings, well I didn't care that much for the EXACT details so left it to dh to speak with his mum.

Anyway, basically a day before the gathering her and dh speak on phone and had a massive falling out because she didn't plan the event according to any of my dh's wishes and we didn't go after all. I tried to reason with dh to go but to no avail as I knew a lot of effort had been made. Although I kind of see why he is a bit peed off as she made such a fuss ringing all the time for no reason. He is not spoilt, either. Don't think he cared if she'd made a fuss or not-just hated having her ask him in depth what he wanted and then being ignored IYSWIM.

According to his brother, his mum is v. v. upset and we received a letter from her today saying that it was obvious to her that NEITHER of us wanted to go. This is simply not true; but what the heck could I have done? Gone by myself without dh? I am annoyed with her to be honest for this.
I don't know if I am BU or what or how to sort this.

OP posts:
CoffeeIsMyFriend · 01/06/2011 19:20

Do make absolutely sure that you always follow your husbands instructions to the letter, otherwise you will be on Relationship board quicker than your husband can chant his footie teams song.

Honestly, what a tosser for wanting to watch football. No consideration for anyone other than himself!

MadamMemoo · 01/06/2011 19:20

I agree with Bessimo.

Your poor Mil!

hairfullofsnakes · 01/06/2011 19:20

I don't often speak up for the MIL but bloody hell, what he did was nasty and childish and disrespectful

Original poster
hayjon · 01/06/2011 19:21

diddl, do you really think I should have gone by myself? For goodness sake, this would have been even MORE humiliating for her, not less.

OP posts:
pink4ever · 01/06/2011 19:21

Let me first state I am not a huge fan of mil but in this instance I actually feel sorry for your mil!!. She offered to host a family gettogether to celebrate your wedding and your dh was rude enough to suggest going to a pub to watch a footie match?! Really,you think that is acceptable?. Wow.

CoffeeIsMyFriend · 01/06/2011 19:22

MDS sometimes people get it wrong, but you can still have fun. You were not rude in the slightest. I think sometimes DHs through us a curve ball just to keep us on our toes... Grin

bubblecoral · 01/06/2011 19:22

I can't stand my MIL either snice, I haven't seen her since the day we got married. It takes A LOT for me to feel sorry for a MIL, but this thread has done it!

UrsulaBuffay · 01/06/2011 19:22

Would it heck, it'd have been humiliating for him to be the twat that didn't turn up.

CoffeeIsMyFriend · 01/06/2011 19:22

not through - throw! sorry, damn painkillers

diddl · 01/06/2011 19:24

Actually, yes, I do.

At least it would have shown that someone appreciated what she´d done.

WhoAteMySnickers · 01/06/2011 19:24

Well it looks like you have bagged yourself a prize specimen there.

For what it's worth, yes, I think you should have gone on your own. That way at least only your DH would have looked like a complete twat rather than both of you looking like complete twats.

Good luck for a long and shitty happy future together.

LoveBeingAbleToNamechange · 01/06/2011 19:25

Your mil felt shed missed out in a wedding by the sounds of it and that is why she ignored his suggestions. Do you know what he actually said to her for all you know he could well have laid some or all of the blame at your feet!

diddl · 01/06/2011 19:27

I think that you both need to apologise to her.

squeaver · 01/06/2011 19:27

I don't think anyone on here IS saying that this is your fault, OP.

And this is not a feminist issue. It's a MANNERS issue.

HushedTones · 01/06/2011 19:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

UrsulaBuffay · 01/06/2011 19:28

If it's about female solidarity how about sticking up for your bloody MIL?

Original poster
hayjon · 01/06/2011 19:28

Oh for goodness sake, anybody who thinks that my going alone would have made my mil less humiliated is being foolish.

It would have been MORE painful for her.

OP posts:
squeaver · 01/06/2011 19:30

yy you and MIL should have concocted some kind of "sudden mystery illness" excuse.

Happygomummy · 01/06/2011 19:30

Your husband is a huge pile of steaming horseshit.

You know it. Stop trying to justify his ridiculously spoilt behaviour.

NoelEdmondshair · 01/06/2011 19:30

Are you saying that you really couldn't persuade your Dh to go to the do?

Original poster
hayjon · 01/06/2011 19:30

'Ah let's cut the cake'. Oops. Can't do that because only the bride has shown up'. We both had to go or neither of us.

No doubt, though, if I HAD gone I'd have been accused of 'not standing by my man' So can't win really.

OP posts:
Thistledew · 01/06/2011 19:31

I think you do have a duty to make it up to your MIL. She is right, you acquiesced in the hurt and embarrassment that your husband caused to her and his other family members, and if you remain silent you are continuing to do so.

I do agree that there are occasions to support your spouse, even if you do not wholly agree with them. These occasions are when they are able to put forward a valid and rational argument for their view, not when they are behaving like a petulant, nasty child.

They may be your DH's family but they are also yours too, and the family of any future dc's you may have. In any event, you have a duty yourself to the people you have contact with. Would you be content to acquiesce in your husband causing hurt to random strangers?

You also need to take a stand on this for the health of your relationship. Let this one go and it will be easier for you to do nothing when your DH is horrible to your family, your children, you.

BluddyMoFo · 01/06/2011 19:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

beesimo · 01/06/2011 19:32

HAYJON

What do you mean you couldn't make him go! He's not a bucking horse he's your Man there is something radiacally wrong if you can't make he do sumat especially if 'it's the right thing'. Get him trained up or it will be like having a untrained ferret in the house.

Say after me 'you are in me power we are going to your Mams.' If he won't live happy and fairly with his family and indeed you it is because he don't love them/you. Sadly he might be one of those specimens that has got stuck at the stroppy teenager stage and would be quite happy with his football, computer games and a bimbo g/f who knows 'naggings' not allowed.

Fellas like him should not be allowed to marry up.

UrsulaBuffay · 01/06/2011 19:33

Did it go ahead then, this do? Cos you said other people made the effort to go. Did MIL cut the cake on her own??

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